Elections begin, unrelated jokes occur
        "Elections are like school all talk, no facts."

      STar-Fleet's second WeBB-wide voting election began on February 1st.  Nominations will commence this week and will conclude on the 8th. Current campaigns that have been approved by the Election Coordinator are the Bob Spurlin and Colin Wyers campaign, the Greg Hertzsch and Alan Felts race, Mark Loganbach and Bill Gunty connection and last but in every single regard least, USS Constellation's mascot, Bob the Blob. Bob's Veep is Dr. Evil (which in that case can apply for Spurlin and Blob)

Still waiting for the joke? (or news?)
      "A duck and a cow walk into a bar..."

So are we, dear god, so are we.

OOC Zone linked to bad jokes
      "The Missing Link"

      In a report released by the University of Too Much Free Time on Our Hands, facts were found to support the ever growing theory that all of STF's bad jokes are somehow related to the OOC Zone.  In the past months, the OOC Zone has been used as a place of evil, a place of complete chaos, a place similar to Canada. But, with the help of Voyager's terrible episodes, people's even worse choice of Jellos, and the excommunication of Pope Mike Seamus II, OOC has gone from evil to not humorous and dog gone it, we want to know how WeBBSights transmitted its not funny disease. OOC Zone is no longer a place of jokes that start off like "How many interns does it take to screw in a light bulb." No, OOC Zone is now a place of  jokes that not only don't make any sense, they are also not funny, Sort of like PUN but a whole ship is devoted to it.

Ben Wisniewski
       "Did I win anything?"

Congratulations, you have the coolest last name.

Quote War leaves us wanting More
      "It was a splendid little war."

        When you think Quote War you think _________. Exactly. You think nothing, the quote war is and has been dead for over a month now, all ships still participating in it are either foolish or WeBBSights readers.

Randy McCullick returns
       "Quick, lock the doors!"

In a surprising event yesterday, former Veep, Randy McCullick or R.E. McCullick as he likes to be called returned to STF.  Randy was quickly beaten for no good reason by people who only called themselves, "Friends of Mike Ballway."  When ask to comment on this, Mr. Ballway said that he is glad that randy is back and regrets the incident of his beating. Mike was later overheard singing the lyrics to everyone's favorite Violent Femmes song, "Death to all VPs but me."

Dr. Seuss invades STF
"I do not read PUN, I wish I had a freakin' gun, then Seamus' paper would be some real fun."

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek:  the Next Generation...

   Picard:    Sigma Indri, that's the star,
              So Data, please, how far?  How far?

   Data:      Our ship can get there very fast
              But still the trip will last and last
              We'll have two days till we arrive
              But can the Indrans there survive?

   Picard:    LaForge, please give us factor nine.

   LaForge:   But sir, the engines are off-line!

   Picard:    Off-line:  But why?  I want to go!
              Please make it so, please make it so!

   Riker:     But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
              We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
              The danger here is far too great!

   Picard:    But surely we must not be late!

   Troi:      I'm sensing anger and great ire.

   Computer:  Alert!  Alert!  The ship's on fire!

   Picard:    The ship's on fire?  How could this be?
              Who lit the fire?

   Riker:     Not me.

   Worf:      Not me.

   Picard:   Computer, how long till we die?

  Computer:  Eight minutes left to say good-bye.

   Data:   May I suggest a course to take?
              We could, I think, quite safely make
              Extinguishers from tractor beams
              And stop the fire, or so it seems...

   Geordi: Hurray!  Hurray!  You've saved the day!
                Again I say, Hurray!  Hurray!

   Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
               You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

   Troi:      We still must save the Indran planet --

   Data:      Which (by the way) is made of granite...

   Picard:    Enough, you android.  Please desist.
              We understand -- we get your gist.
              But can we get our ship to go?
              Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

   Geordi:    There's sabotage among the wires
              And that's what started all the fires.

   Riker:     We have a saboteur?  Oh, no!
              We need to go!  We need to go!

   Troi:      We must seek out the traitor spy
              And lock him up and ask him, "Why?"

   Worf:      Ask him why?  How sentimental.
              I say give him problems dental.

   Troi:      Are any Romulan ships around?
              Have scanners said that they've been found?
              Or is it Borg or some new threat
              We haven't even heard of yet?
              I sense no malice in this crew.
              Now what are we supposed to do?

   Crusher:   Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
              They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
              I can't just sit and let them die!
              A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

   Picard:    Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

   Crusher:   They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

   *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
   HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

   Worf:  The saboteur is in the brig.
              He's very strong and very big.
              I had my phaser set on stun.
              A zzzip!  A zzzap!  Another one!
              He would not budge, he would not fall,
              He would not stun, no, not at all!
              He changed into a stranger form
              All soft and purple, round and warm.

   Picard:    Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
                  Did you see this creature morph?

   Worf:      I did and then I beat him fairly.
                  Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

   Riker:     My commendations, Klingon friend!
                   Our troubles now are at an end!

   Crusher:   Now let's get our ship to fly
                     And orbit yonder Indran sky!

   Picard:    LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

   Geordi:    Yes, sir, we can.

   Picard:    Then make it so!
 
 

Consumer Report
      "Smart buys for Smart people."

    The whole Pun family works hard round the clock to give you the update on all your favorite products. The things you just can't live without. But there is no need to buy a faulty product when there are others out there, Plus some offer gifts with your purchase. Our reporter, Aye Seemore gives you the lowdown on General Motors' revolutionary new selling practice....
 
   With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

   The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1999 cars.

    "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

   Though it does not officially begin until July 1, 1997, the airbag  promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

   "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

   "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still  haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

   GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.

     Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.  According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you  factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each  time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

    Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broad sided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

Deep Thought for this issue
      "It's a thinking man's subject."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A Closer Look...
        "Don't be reading my mind between 4 and 5, that's Willie's time!"

      This is our interview section, our thanks to Aye on the WeBB for allowing us to publish Jim Midyette interview, it helps newer members learn more about STF's past. Genesun Han's interview will appear in the next issue.

My name is Jim Midyette and I'm 22 years old.  I was born and raised in   Jacksonville, Florida.  I received my undergraduate degree in political  science and I am now a first year law student at the Florida State University
 College of Law.  I am the president of my school's chapter of the National  Lawyers Guild (nlg.org), a progressive bar association.  I'm gay, and since  leaving STF I've been involved in numerous civil rights organizations.

When and Why did you join STF? 

    It must have been during either September or October of 1991, when I was 14.  My parent's bought me a computer and a free trial on Prodigy was  included.  I stumbled around the service becoming familiar with the ins and outs.

Eventually I encountered The Club and their TV/FILM/VIDEO topic.  It  basically was chaos.  I could tell that there were several "camps," including  90210, Mickey Mouse Club, Tiny Toons, and ST(F).  Because of Prodigy's organization, I first encountered 90210.  My first thought was, "well, it's an okay show... but I can't imagine why people would want to sit around and talk  about it."  I was amazed they could organize a "war," let alone wage decent  campaigns.

    For my part, I began to post notes in the ST section.  I don't remember what the big topic of the day was, but I recall many debates about which was better, TOS or TNG.  Also, Gene Roddenburry had recently passed away, so there was some discussion around that.  I began to sign off with a rank and a ship (I randomly chose to call myself an Admiral).  I was emailed by someone --  either Mike Bertsch or Jose Monroy -- and explained that I just couldn't make  myself into an admiral.  So, for a while, I was a captain.  The order came down to attack 90210, and all I wanted to do was talk about the upcoming Star Trek Six.  So, I briefly left ST proper to work as an Ambassador with Joe Bergstrom and the UFP.

Could you give us a little background of STF back then? 

     I think maybe I began to answer this above.  There were a few of us  uninterested in fighting and all that madness.  We understood that 90210  shouldn't be posting crazy stuff in our ST subjects, but there was surely a  better way to go about asking them to stop than attacking them.  I always used  to wonder what Polly Corman, Prodigy's "leader" of The Club section was thinking as she returned note-after-note of war posts that were off-topic.  I  apologized to her more than once in my role as Ambassador.

     Mike Bertsch left STF as I was incoming and left the club to Franco.  I  could tell immediately that I liked Franco and I hoped that we could become friends.  Franco's number two guy seemed to be Jose Monroy.  They really called the shots.  But ignoring the war stuff, we talked about the raging ST topics of the day.  Only after the war (and Prodigy's relaxation on the prohibition of role-playing online) did RPG's begin as part of the club.

Who were the Platts? 

     David Platt and his twin brother Mike joined STF somewhere around Halloween, 1991.  This was not too long after I began to settle in.  I can't say much more about the Platts now than I did in No Regrets.  They joined as captains and waged war on 90210 with vehemence.  After the first peace was brokered, a third Platt was suddenly spotted.  A little sister, Lisa, started trashing ST and generally fanning the flames of conflict.  ST reacted by attacking 90210 again.  As a result of their valiant efforts in the new war,  the Platts were awarded with (several) promotions.  For the record, I still believe that one or both of the Platts used their sister's ID (if she existed)  in order to pave the way for their further promotions.  My impression of the Platts is well-recorded.
 
In Franco Torres' interview in Aye on the WeBB, he stated that a few of your facts were  misleading or wrong, how would you like to respond to those comments? 

     I read that interview with Franco with a lot of interest.  And I must say,  I don't think the question asked by Aye was especially fair.  I didn't consider him to be the "villain" of STF during the period of his reign.  Only in times where he became synonymous with the Platts did I feel any real animosity toward him.  But I would like to use this forum to respond to Franco's comments.
 
     Over time some memories have faded... the ones that remain are clouded with our own perceptions of what was happening at the time.  I still feel that the Platts held an uncommon sway over Franco, especially with the Platts calling him so often to discuss STF policy.  I've read several other recorded memoirs of the Platt era in STF, and each author seems to remember some degree of manipulation.  I know that's not a particularly rosy way for one to be described, but in Franco's defense, we were all a lot younger then.  I mean, we were 14, 15, and 16. While the Platts were winning his war, Franco was in their corner.  When the Platts had followers (in the war and) in their various departments, it was politically necessary for Franco to be in their good graces.  But when the tide turned, and the truth was exposed (and the Fleet and Senior Admirals stood ready to remove him from office and impose a new Fleet Admiral), Franco was not as supportive of the Platts' positions.  At this time, our leader was  not elected, but he was sensitive to the shifting winds.

    Maybe Franco wasn't used or manipulated.  Thought of in terms of our "real-life" political system, perhaps Franco was just lobbied heavily by certain special interests with a large and powerful constituency.  They had numbers and power which gave them influence.  When viewed like this, it's not impossible to see how most of Franco's contemporaries believed there was manipulation.  Not a villain at all, I still feel that Franco was a good and  trusted friend and in many ways an effective leader.  He and I enjoyed several phone conversations ourselves.  I was especially proud when he selected me to succeed him.  I harbor no ill-will.

If you could have changed one thing that you did in STF back then, one action, anything, what would it be?

     I named my memoir No Regrets for a reason...  I really don't regret anything that I did along the way.  STF wasn't life or death, it was a club and we were (mostly) having fun.  Although, I must say...  I was not proud of the way I handled my (electoral) defeat at the hands of Jerry Phelps.  Rightly or wrongly, I behaved badly during the election.  I didn't have the foresight to realize that STF was an institution and could survive a bad presidency, if Jerry's was to be one.  Of course, since it was, I was handily reelected later and it was an exercise in pointlessness.  I just think I could have handled it differently.

Having viewed STF from the WeBB and looking back at the past, do you like STF's changes? If so why, if no, why not? 

     I am absolutely in awe of where STF is going.  To put it mildly, I like STF's changes.  The WeBB is amazing and I think it is truly befitting of the destiny of this club.  In the beginning, when we were all working on this stuff, this club, we didn't have a clear picture of where it was going.  We knew it was going somewhere big.  Here it is.
 
     I know that STF helped many people in it's Prodigy days.  More than once I got email from people telling me that they had considered suicide before they found friendship in STF.  Relationships (both romantic and otherwise) formed and people really came together.  For a few of us, STF was a catalyst to help  us come out and be more comfortable with who we are.  People of all ages, races, genders, sexual orientations, and etc. came together seamlessly to work  together.

     I think the reason, then, that I'm so excited about STF on the WeBB is that here the club has the potential to reach countless more people who just NEED to connect with an organization like STF.  It makes me proud of my place in  STF's history.

Do you have any future plans to rejoin STF? 

     With law school in full swing and living a very active life with my partner, I don't have a great deal of time right now.  I keep meaning the check out the OOC areas of the WeBB and maybe just "talk Trek."  As for  joining a ship...  no immediate plans, but who knows what the future might hold?

You have been the prez many times over, did you ever think to yourself, more interns, less Platts? 

     Yes!  A million times yes.  What I wouldn't have given for scandals involving interns rather than the Platts...  Of course, the nightmare of my existence would have been if young Lisa Platt showed up in my office "reporting for duty" as a presidential intern.  Yikes!

Alternates Take Over News Market
       "Only good can come from this. Right?!?"

      While browsing through the WeBB I noticed a few things. First, Aye on the WeBB was canceled for some reasons Next, a new paper,  IveSTFya was started by Colin Wyers. After reading this, I thought to myself, "IveWannaSeeMe" but alas, no new issues in a long while.  Things do not look all bad for upstart papers everywhere, for one, you have PUN, which can only go up from here.  Also, there is rumors of Jim Armstrong's The Tangled WeBB We Weave and somewhere scribbled on a bar napkin, is the rumor that current STF prez will start a paper.

      Is that the only thing WeBB readers have to look forward too? Isn't there that crazy WeBBSights out there? This reporter would advise against it, as humorous as some of the stories were, did anyone else feel like they were stretching for a story. Kindof like how PUN is stretching for a joke. Fear not STFers for PUN will try its hardest to make you laugh, no matter how much we have to pay you.