Kent's Corner Issn. 3

7 March 1997

Kent's Corner-------------------------------Stardate 97030.7
                    The Special Edition                     
                                                            
  Don't let anyone tell you that Star Trek and Star Wars    
are not related, becuase they are.                          
  Not only do the Star Trek movies and the spinoff series   
use ILM for the special effects (that is, the company that  
Lucas founded to do the SFX in SW), but it is said that the 
success of SW is what convinced Paramount and GR that ST    
could be successfully translated onto the Big Screen (jud-  
ging by STTMP, though, it really wasn't.  Kinda.)           
  Now, though, in 1997, the 20-year anniversary of Star     
Wars, the movies are being re-released.  Not only do they   
feature revamped SFX and digital sound, but these 90s       
versions of A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, and (in    
one week!) Return of the Jedi offer new footage, stuff      
we've never even seen before.  For example, a whole seq-    
uence in SW4:ANH, the one where Jabba the Hutt meets with   
Han Solo in Docking Bay 94, has been added.  In SW5:ESB,    
striking new shots of Bespin were shown, and the Battle of  
Hoth was retouched.  And then in SW6:RJ (SPOILER ALERT!),   
expect to see a new music scene at Jabba's Palace and some  
neat interplanetary celebration scenes at the end.          
  Lucas timed all of this to coincide with the 20th         
anniversary of SW4's release and the premiere releases of   
his prequels -- Episodes 1, 2, and 3 -- in 1998.            
  No doubt some of you remember the fanfare that accom-     
panied the 20th, 25th, and 30th anniversaries of Star       
Trek's 1966 premiere.  Why then, don't we celebrate Star    
Trek's dawn on the Big Screen?                              
  Now, we have to do this right.  There's  a lot that went  
wrong with Star Trek in the movies, and just as Lucas fixed 
up his SW trilogy, we're going to have to fix up the six    
"original series" movies a bit.  And we need to modernize   
them.   To that end, here's my proposal for a 1999 re-      
release of "STAR TREK: SPECIAL EDITION"                     
* IXNAY ON THE SFX, MAN:  The S.E. of ST:TMP will delete    
 most of those special effects that make the movie a slow   
 one.  Instead, the "workbees" will be outfitted with phas- 
 ers for space dogfighting scenes.  It will be a lucky tor- 
 pedo launch from one of the 'bees that destroys V'Ger.     
* THE MODERN ARMY:  In ST5:TFF, SE, Sybok's army is rep-    
 laced by the Michigan Militia.                             
* RADIO MADNESS:  In the infamous bus scene from ST4:TVH,   
 the obnoxious 80s music that the Punk is listening to, now 
 out of date, is replaced with a Howard Stern broadcast.    
* WORDS OF WISDOM:  Instead of recieving "A Tale of Two     
 Cities" for his birthday in ST2:TWOK, Kirk recieves a      
 self-help book of the type that is increasingly popular    
 these days.                                                
* HAIRDO[N'T]:  Throughout all of the new movies, Uhura     
 wears her hair in the Earmuff-cinnamon bun fashion popul-  
 arized by Princess Leia.  Carol Marcus opts for the Marge  
 Simpson beehive look.                                      
* SAVE THE WHALES:  Ever since "Free Willy," it has become  
 a bit passe to go on and on about Whales, so the revamped  
 ST4:TVH features the crew looking for a Spotted Owl so the 
 Earth won't be remolded into one giant Sequoia forest.     
* HAN, ME BOOKI:  The cut ending of ST5:TFF will be         
 restored, depicting a fatherly God walking with Kirk.  His 
 first words are "Kirk, my boy, you're the best;"  Kirk,    
 however, says "Look, God, if you want to talk to me, do it 
 yourself," while pointing to Sybok, "don't send one of     
 these twerps"                                              
* MERCHANDISING!:  In preparation for ST3:TSFS's re-rel-    
 ease, Paramount will work with Taco Bell on a "Feel the    
 Katra" promotion, wherein people will touch a card to      
 their foreheads, trying to find out whose "marbles they're 
 carrying."  The rare Spock-McCoy combination wins.         
                                                            
                                                            
Flt. Cpt. Adam Kent----------------------ZMP Ltd./CNN of STF