Mike Cathcart's Column

CNN of STF - 26 July 1994

SNN -- The Hunt for Red-Blue Jello
7/26/94

Hi, I . . . am Mike Cathcart . . . and you have absolutely NO idea . . . how screwed up this is . . .

  • Even after STF's third anniversary the McParty rages on. Now members are looking for new ways to wage jello warfare and some think they've found the answer: Red-Blue Jello. Headed by ex-convict and jello smuggler Grace (a.k.a. "Sunshine") Larsen, a team of officers executed a raid on a Romulan jello base. The new red-blue jello (commonly referred to as 'gluck') is lighter than blue jello, easier to throw, has a deadly cloaking device that makes it impossible to detect, hits harder than it's counterparts, and smells like Kempec on a bad day. Truly a lethal weapon, quantities are scarcer than funny jokes in STF's Command cabinet, get yours today.
  • This week the McParty prepares for the traditional games between the Command members and the officers (baseball, volleyball, ponderball, etc). This week, the period during which both teams begin choosing their teams, is also know as "McParty Week Three: The Search For Jocks."
  • Well, we're closing in on the one month mark on the time until the next STF elections. Right now President Phelps is serving a three month term but under OC Bill 004-94, the winner of September's election will hold the rank of Flag Admiral for six months. Early tickets include Jerry Phelps-Matt Wolff, Jim Midyette-(unannounced), and the Hi-C guy-Tang spokesman.
  • Ryan Lucas.
  • STF Medical warns members to watch out for Michael Ballway who is believed to be carrying a new virus, SNN-postatosis. People infected with the virus begin to post SNN articles wildly in randomly selected STF subjects and sing the theme song to the Jackson Fife cartoon show.
  • Continuing with our McParty coverage, SNN will try to give some of you a better idea of the goings-on at said party with a list of the top five things overheard by secret SNN agents . . .
      Top Five Things Overheard At The McParty:
    1. "Hey Kempec! Honor this!"
    2. "Save the Schloz!"
    3. "Huh huh huh, this party sucks, let's go to IKE, huh huh huh."
    4. "I know, let's get an overhead camera view of the party room and play 'Where's Westerfeld'."
    5. "I'm Jerry Galezkiewicz. You mean President Galezkiewicz? Yes I am."
  • In a surprise move, temporary owner and caretaker of the famed Rebel's Bar, Noah Garland, gave up the bar to the same group who owns Midyette's Place for a Klondike bar.

    "SNN. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Because on Prodigy, nobody can hear you scream."

    --Editor In Chief Michael J. Cathcart
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