SNN UPDATE #49

Tuesday, 23 December 1997

                    =/\= SNN UPDATE =/\=                    
                 =/\= Stardate 97122.3 =/\=                 
                                                            
"The only thing we have to fear is SNN UPDATE itself"       
"We choose to write this newsletter not because it is the   
 easy thing to do, but because it is strange"               
"I am not an editor"                                        
                                                            
Welcome back once again to Our Nation's Capital as we-- no, 
seriously, this is SNN UPDATE, and I guarantee you, read my 
lips, that none of those quotes was spoken by respectable   
Presidents, nor by Richard Nixon either.                    
=/\= THE NEWS                                               
* Before we begin with our scheduled newscast this after-   
 noon, we'd just like to point out, for the benefit of cer- 
 tain individuals, BECCA "BACK FROM CHICAGO" JUAREZ, that   
 the McParty VI is dead.  To quote our favorite Christmas   
 author, it is DEAD AS A DOORNAIL.                          
* Our lead story today, which somehow got lost in a pile of 
 oily rags so we weren't able to report it until now, con-  
 cerns certain inflammatory remarks made by certain members 
 of the WeBB leadership (note to Jeff, Mike, Colin, and     
 Owen: aren't you glad I'm protecting your anonymity?)      
 regarding the proposed "RC," er, proposal.  "RC," which    
 stands for "Royal Crown," had been slated by STF President 
 Greg "I rent my cars from" Hertzsch to replace Coca-Cola   
 as the STF-Standard beverage, until this plan was made     
 public on the WeBB, whereupon Mike "Look, it's MY news-    
 paper, I'll give it slant if I want to" Ballway teamed up  
 with Larry "The Liquid-aider" Garfield to push for more    
 public disclosure on what the RC actually meant... oh, I   
 give up.  The real debate, which was conducted primarily   
 by Email, concerns the Representative Council, Greg's ans- 
 wer to the Officer's Council, which HAS YET TO BE DEFINED  
 ADEQUATELY but will, the Prez assures us, be composed of   
 elected officials from each fleet and each ship.  Why this 
 is necessary, or at the very least why this deserves this  
 many inches in this newsletter, confuses such STF thinkers 
 as Mike "The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this"  
 Ballway, Larry "Don't mind me, I'm a WeBBster" Garfield,   
 and Jeff "OK, so I changed my mind.  What's the big deal?" 
 Field.                                                     
* Owen "The Wily Scotsman" Townes, in the tradition of past 
 Vice-President Nick "What, exactly, does 'outsourced' mean 
 again?" Oven, has decided to make enemies quickly in this  
 new administration by imposing his iron fist upon the for- 
 mely-democratic ED, insisting that temper-tantrums were    
 his God-given right, and killing Bambi's mother, later     
 explaining that he thought she was standing in the way of  
 "progress."  Townes recently demanded engineering specs    
 from each ship designer in the ED on the WeBB, a move that 
 garnered the popular support of at least one (1) nameless  
 ensign.  STF President Greg "So he's a homicidal psycho-   
 pathic xenophobic antisocial axe-wielder.  So what?  It's  
 his department" Hertzsch will reportedly "not chastise"    
 the Veep.  Rumors abound on the Command Email circuit that 
 the RC controversey was actually a result of Owen's        
 actions, which ticked off certain high-profile WeBBsters   
 (see, Jeff [Field] and Mike [Bourdaa]?  I'm protecting     
 your anonymity again! I'm just a nice guy!).               
=/\= SNN UPDATE #49                                         
is our last hurrah for 1997, thank goodness, and wishes you 
all a merry Christmas, a chappy Chanukah, a kickin' Kwan-   
zaa, a dynamite Dwali, a relaxing Ramadan... all that and a 
happy New Year.  And a partridge in a pear tree.  While you 
are out there celebrating the holidays, though, take some   
time to think of SNN UPDATE, which will still broadcast,    
come 1998, on the same old Journalistic Motto of "Quick,    
Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF Events."  Send 
any complaints, especially those about holidays we left     
out, to SNN UPDATE, c/o Santa Claus, North Pole, Earth.     
--Cdre. Mike "bwsc65c" Ballway, Executive Editor, CNN of STF