the starfleet news network | snn headline news archive | issue no. 6
Monday, 9 March 1998 -- Mark Wilson
<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>

"The nighttime sleeping, aching, resting, dying, mauling, stuffy-head, fever, radioactive so-you-can-rest newspaper."

  • ENTONCES . . .
    Former STNG Admiral Emily A. Braunstein has sprouted up from one of her trips through a bizarre subspace anomaly. Upon returning, she said that "nothing's changed," then added, "Ballway -- have you lost weight?" Emily A. Braunstein showed in, of all things, the Jell-O® Wars. And speaking of Jell-O . . .

  • URGENT!!
    The General Foods Corp. plant in nearby Fumf-sig Prime has annouced today that it is shutting down its doors. Yes, the makers of Jell-O for the entire tri-sector area said that "the recent Wars have exhausted our supply of Jell-O." Residents of sectors 002922, 002923, and 002924 will be affected.

  • NEW MOVIE IN THE WORKS
    Filmmaker William T. Riker, Jr. announced yesterday that his new film, "Trinitron," will begin filming next week. "Trinitron," based on the horrible demise of the once mighty STF vessel, is expected to cost 200 billion dollars (boy has inflation gotten bad!) and will star Antonio Banderas VIII as "Cap'n Nick" and Robert Redford IX will play his brainy, quick-witted XO, "Commander Mark". SNN Headline News has donated several million dollars to the project.

  • SNN HEADLINE NEWS NO. (It's anyone's guess)
    was quite small today. There is no news, no scandal, and our dogs are quite tired. We'd like to remind you to eat your peas, and always depend upon the kindness of strangers.

    © 2373 Zaphod Beeblebrox Productions, Inc. No rights reserved.

  • EDIOTR-IN-CHIEF:
    SNN Network Associate Editor Mark Wilson

  • PROFFREADEER:
    Mr. Henry Shasta
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