the starfleet news network | snn update archive | s.u. issue no. 49
Tuesday, 23 December 1997 -- Mike Ballway
=/\= SNN UPDATE =/\=
=/\= Stardate 97122.3 =/\=
"The only thing we have to fear is SNN UPDATE itself"
"We choose to write this newsletter not because it is the easy thing to do, but because it is strange"
"I am not an editor"
Welcome back once again to Our Nation's Capital as we-- no, seriously, this is SNN UPDATE, and I guarantee you, read my lips, that none of those quotes was spoken by respectable Presidents, nor by Richard Nixon either.
=/\= THE NEWS
Before we begin with our scheduled newscast this afternoon, we'd just like to point out, for the benefit of certain individuals, Becca "Back from Chicago" Juarez, that the McParty VI is dead. To quote our favorite Christmas author, it is dead as a doornail.
Our lead story today, which somehow got lost in a pile of oily rags so we weren't able to report it until now, concerns certain inflammatory remarks made by certain members of the WeBB leadership (note to Jeff, Mike, Colin, and Owen: aren't you glad I'm protecting your anonymity?) regarding the proposed "RC," er, proposal. "RC," which stands for "Royal Crown," had been slated by STF President Greg "I rent my cars from" Hertzsch to replace Coca-Cola as the STF-Standard beverage, until this plan was made public on the WeBB, whereupon Mike "Look, it's MY newspaper, I'll give it slant if I want to" Ballway teamed up with Larry "The Liquid-aider" Garfield to push for more public disclosure on what the RC actually meant . . . oh, I give up. The real debate, which was conducted primarily by Email, concerns the Representative Council, Greg's answer to the Officer's Council, which has yet to be defined adequately but will, the Prez assures us, be composed of elected officials from each fleet and each ship. Why this is necessary, or at the very least why this deserves this many inches in this newsletter, confuses such STF thinkers as Mike "The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this" Ballway, Larry "Don't mind me, I'm a WeBBster" Garfield, and Jeff "OK, so I changed my mind. What's the big deal?" Field.
Owen "The Wily Scotsman" Townes, in the tradition of past Vice-President Nick "What, exactly, does 'outsourced' mean again?" Oven, has decided to make enemies quickly in this new administration by imposing his iron fist upon the formerly-democratic ED, insisting that temper-tantrums were his God-given right, and killing Bambi's mother, later explaining that he thought she was standing in the way of "progress." Townes recently demanded engineering specs from each ship designer in the ED on the WeBB, a move that garnered the popular support of at least one (1) nameless ensign. STF President Greg "So he's a homicidal psychopathic xenophobic antisocial axe-wielder. So what? It's his department" Hertzsch will reportedly "not chastise" the Veep. Rumors abound on the Command Email circuit that the RC controversey was actually a result of Owen's actions, which ticked off certain high-profile WeBBsters (see, Jeff [Field] and Mike [Bourdaa]? I'm protecting your anonymity again! I'm just a nice guy!).
=/\= SNN UPDATE #49
is our last hurrah for 1997, thank goodness, and wishes you all a merry Christmas, a chappy Chanukah, a kickin' Kwanzaa, a dynamite Dwali, a relaxing Ramadan . . . all that and a happy New Year. And a partridge in a pear tree. While you are out there celebrating the holidays, though, take some time to think of SNN UPDATE, which will still broadcast, come 1998, on the same old Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF Events." Send any complaints, especially those about holidays we left out, to SNN UPDATE, c/o Santa Claus, North Pole, Earth.
--Cdre. Mike "bwsc65c" Ballway, Executive Editor, CNN of STF
Page Created on 23 December 1997 -- Last Updated on 10 July 1998
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