the starfleet news network | snn update archive | s.u. issue no. 52
Monday, 19 January 1998 -- Mike Ballway
=/\= SNN UPDATE =/\=
=/\= Stardate 98011.9 =/\=
Welcome back once again to the Starfleet News Network, where we hold dear to our hearts our Programming Slogan: "If it were any more irrelevant, it'd be P.U.N."
This last week has seen the publication of yet another Wilson SNN, labor unrest at P.U.N., the restarting of the Jello Wars, and very little of real news.
And you . . . are . . . there!
=/\= AND NOW FOR THE FAKE NEWS:
FComm-4 and multimillionaire Jeff "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you" Field held a press conference today where he denied, in front of all of Starfleet's respectable newspapers (good thing we were able to eavesdrop!) that his incredibly-far-flung network of RPG characters was in no way related to any plot of his to plant subliminal Pro-Jeff messages in STFers minds. Millions of STFers reported not being influenced by Jeff's actions.
Millions (okay, dozens . . . alright, alright, couples) of STFers were shocked on 29 December when Den "Dennis" Hannigan, confessed leader of the Plumber's Union Network, announced that popular Vulcan anchorman Commander Sraek, who has been with P.U.N. News Hour since 1995, was seeking other employment in response to PUN's unwillingness to renegotiate his contract. The Commander began his tenure with P.U.N. in 1994 as host of the "UPN Logic Hour," a cult show that is still re-run at 2 a.m. in some places and has a large following in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Sraek is still in talks with the Network, although KNST Radio (93.33333 on your subspace dial) is reportedly also courting him for their new morning show, alongside an exploding barnyard animal yet to be named.
In other irrelevant news, Mark "Tengo un periodico. Tengo poder!" Wilson has written his latest SNN column, entitlted "SNN Headline News." What this means is still being investigated by a crack team of psychologists, sociologists, and Purple Jello makers.
From the SNN War Desk: Rumor has it that STF President Greg "Mr. Hankey" Hertzsch, whose name was not punned this time, and his cohorts at JelloSoft are releasing a new conflict this year, code-named "Cosby" but expected to be renamed "Jello Wars '98" when debugging is finished. Jel98 will incorporate new features, including a new one-package view with regards to desktop/web integration. In related news, STF Justice Department officials are continuing their prosecution of JelloSoft on the grounds that Greg's Jel95 system unfairly discriminates against previous Jello champion Blue Jello Navigator in favor of its product, Brown Jello Explorer.
In other Jello Wars news, Phil "#00ff00" Bishop has enlisted the support of the Borg in his Green Jello campaign; Jeff "A Purple Panda from Planet Purple walks into your office and explodes" Field mans the grape-flavored squad; Mark "Que es negro y blanco y rojo en todo?" Wilson takes the Cherry squad; and STF President Greg "1997 Starfleet Academy 'El Grosso' Award" Hertzsch leads a Brown team. Mike "Blueie Kablooie" Ballway is on the periphery.
=/\= SNN UPDATE #52
is completely free of the influence of Jeff "You are getting sleepy . . . you are getting sleepy . . . when I snap my fingers, you will wake up and a wolf will walk into your office and explode" Field. SNN UPDATE is written and published by Jello Wars veteran Mike "I'll enter when I'm good and ready" Ballway and follows the Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF Events." If you have any complaints, comments, questions, or collections of crimson jello, respond to this publication by email reply to its author, your friend and mine,
--Cdre. Mike "bwsc65c" Ballway, Executive Editor, SNN
Page Created on 19 January 1998 -- Last Updated on 15 June 1998
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