the starfleet news network | snn update archive | s.u. issue no. 53
Sunday, 1 February 1998 -- Mike Ballway
=/\= SNN UPDATE =/\=
=/\= Stardate 98020.1 =/\=
Welcome back once again to a more thoughtful edition of SNN UPDATE. As we sit here talking about galactic federations and other such science-fiction, it's easy to forget about what it is that really moves this great nation of ours forward. It's the little people, like the dairy farmers, who toil day after day to put fresh milk on our tables. To those the hundreds who work out in the Nation's Dairyland, we at SNN have just one thing to say --
BRONCOS WIN! Elway, Elway, Elway! 31-24, baby!
=/\= THE "MOOOOOOS"
STF President Greg "Why yes, I am the kind of person who writes at least one letter to the editor a week, why do you ask?" Hertzsch, who informs us that his name rhymes with "church," has officially adopted the "Stand By Your Vice, er, Vice-President" line as his governmental policy. Assaults on V.P. and EDir Owen "Bread Mold, Licorice, and Jell-O, oh my" Townes continued last week, as Aaron "Wait! Don't drink that! We haven't held the referendum on coffee yet!" Holland alleges that Townes has been acting more like an Engineering Dictator than an E-Director.
In Jello Wars news, the copious referencing to "South Park" continues in the subect [STF JELLO WARS]. Rumor has it that, in response to STF President Greg "Herr Hankey" Hertzsch's continued devotion to the show, a coalition called the Thoughtful Humans Who Understand Nice Kenny (THWUNK) has issued a position paper in which it retracts its support of the Hertzsch Administration and announces that, in June, it will run a candidate against Greg. The THWUNK ticket will campaign on a platform of charity toward unfairly persecuted cartoons and STFers; it is expected to be led by Wiley E. Coyote and, although this is not yet confirmed, Brian Misamore.
And yes, as STF President Greg "Señor Hankey" Hertzsch has pointed out, SNN UPDATE did indeed omit the names of Alan "Wait, I should have been in that last Kenny article too" Felts and Owen "Now that I have a job at a jello restaurant, I can finally say things like 'The Booth Is Out There!'" Townes. Three days after our last UPDATE, Emily "Howdy y'all . . . did I miss anything?" Braunstein rejoined the Jello conflict, and although her sense of timing prevented us from reporting this before it happened, STF President Greg "'Einstein says so' is not an excuse!" Hertzsch yelled at us for it anyway. Typical. <j/k>
Wow. Engineering Department, Jello Wars, Jello Wars. Slow news week, eh?
Mark "Has manejado un Ford, recientemente?" Wilson continued his reign of terror in the-- no, wait, that's wrong.
Try again: Mark "Alguien dijo, 'McDonald's'?" Wilson was sighted on multiple ships-- no, that's wrong too.
Mark "Muda a la velocidad de la vida" Wilson issued an executive order today-- no, no, no.
Aha! This is it: Mark "Mas STFeros obtienen sus noticias desde SNN que obtienen de ningun otro fuente" Wilson has, while we weren't looking, published two more SNN Headline News articles in [STF - CNN OF STF], both of them must-sees.
And that's all the news here at SNN Center as of 1 Fb 1998.
=/\= SNN UPDATE #53
was rooting for the Denver Broncos throughout, and would like to take this moment to personally say "ha-ha!" to any Wisconsinites in the listening audience, especially those with last names like Bishop and Oven ("ha-ha!"). SNN would like to reiterate at this moment that the sheer number of commercials during the Big Game did not affect its primary anchor in any way. SNN UPDATE is published somewhat biweekly by Mike "Sopa Campbell's -- Mmm, Mmm, bueno!" Ballway and subscribes to the Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF Events."
--Commodore Mike "bwsc65c" Ballway, Executive Editor, SNN
Page Created on 3 February 1998 -- Last Updated on 15 June 1998
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