the starfleet news network | snn update archive | s.u. issue no. 55
Wednesday, 11 March 1998 -- Mike Ballway
=/\= SNN UPDATE =/\=
=/\= Stardate 98031.1 =/\=
Hi! I'm Lieutenant Troy McClure. You may remember me from such SNN specials as "Christmas in Fleet Zero" and "AOL: What is it About Graphical Interface and Online Multitasking that has everyone switching?"
Welcome back once again to SNN's Western Branch Office in Springfield . . . um . . . er . . . , Springfield, EARTH. SNN Center in Chicago is closed due to asbestos removal. D'oh!
=/\= YE OLDE NEWS
"So late-breaking that the Prez won't admit it yet . . ."
"So fundamental that it'll change the way you think . . ."
"So controversial that it'll shock you to the core . . ."
. . . all of those are perfectly good adjective phrases.
In real news, Mark "Dos huevos, por favor . . . ay, no me gusta" Wilson has published his latest SNN Headline News, continuing the streak of madness that began when he published his first one.
On 9 March, a CHAT meet was held on Prodigy, one that came fairly close to eclipsing the one in late February. Attendees included Flubbs (Nick O.), CptnREM (Randy E.M.), The Road Man (Greg H.), Cocoa152 (Paula K.), Kavox (Mike B.) and Cray Z (SNN UPDATE). There were 5 STFers CHATting simultaneously at one point, and at other points two non-STFers who once were STFers showed up.
In what probably ought to have been our top story, STF President Greg "'Manifest Destiny.' Look it up in your encyclopedia" Hertzsch has authorized the commissioning of a new fleet on the WeBB, tentatively called "The Fifth Fleet," a name that so far is favored over other popular suggestions, including "Fleet Five" and "Fleetvs Qvintvs." The small but vocal Abstract Artists organization in Fleet One is trying to sway Greg toward "Fleet Asparagus."
Real issues such as those abovestated have been given short shrift in favor of such unimportant tasks as appointing the new Fleet Commanders. For the first time in STF history, the job of FComm is going to go to a crewmember who is not on Prodigy. Captain B.J. "The Man With Two Initials" Phillips will reportedly become the inaugural FComm-5; Captain Larry "I have an objection!" Garfield is rumored to be B.J.'s choice for AFComm-5. Such notable ships as the USS Olympic (F3) and the USS Alliance (F4) are transferring to the new Fleet; rumor has it that the USS Andorian, missing since the STC Defection of 1992, will be recommissioned for Fifth Fleet use.
The Jello Wars have, of course, become a staple of STF existence by now. Although the conflict has lost some of its velocity in the last week, a note on 10 March by an ex-STFer, Casey "Ghent" Jones, ought to jump-start the conflict. "Ghent" entered the Wars as a freelance Blue Jello-er, and was quickly joined by former Blue Jello crusader Mike "Sisko Freak" Ballway's Siskoism Holy Navy. Casey has repeatedly invoked the name of the only comedian regarded with reverence by Siskoists, Bill "The Jello Man" Cosby. No word yet on how Casey has responded to the Siskoists' overtures, nor on how any of the current Jello Warriors have responded to this latest entry.
=/\= SNN UPDATE #55
did not have a cow, does not work at a nuclear power plant, has never been known to possess blue hair, does not suck on pacifiers, and by all means has never played a saxophone. SNN UPDATE has, however, been known to subscribe to both the Springfield Shopper and the Journalistic Motto "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF Events." SNN UPDATE is written by Mike Ballway, not Kent Brockman, but asks that all complaints be sent to C. Montgomery Burns, Burns Manor, Springfield. Any awards can be sent to SNN via its attorney, Mr. Lionel Hutz.
--Commodore Mike "bwsc65c" Ballway, Executive Editor, SNN
Page Created on 12 March 1998 -- Last Updated on 10 July 1998
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