| WeBBsights |
-- YOUR
#1 SOURCE FOR WEBB MISINFORMATION
--
Issue 3 - Saturday, 8 November
1997 - A Publication of CNN of STF and ZMP Limited |
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Newspaper out of headlines
Industry analysts say this could
hurt circulation
A new study has shown that a lack of "relevant" material can have adverse
effects on newspaper headline availability. The study, conducted
by graduate students at Pakled University, concluded that this month's
shortage of "newsworthy" material, in the words of Pakled professor Dr.
Cimedaca Toidi, Ph.D., "is not enough to make us go. We want our
papers to be strong. Can you help us be strong?"
A spokesman for the Nameless Ensigns' Weekly Standard denied
any shortage of material. "Why, just this week we're running a story
on the dangers of Tribble reproduction," pronounced Professional Printer
Peter Peterson (the Ensign in charge of the N.E.W.S.) when asked
by a WeBBsights reporter.
WeBBsights, incidentally, also denies any shortage.
Link discovered between AWOLs,
activity
Investigations by Starfleet Intelligence have found a possible link
between the recent lack of news and mysterious disappearances on the WeBB.
Several ships have experienced strange temporal anomalies which have resulted
in crews going AWOL en-masse. The hardest-hit is the Fleet Three
flagship, the Athena, which experienced nearly 72 hours of inactivity.
The USS Dresden was also affected, with most members of her crew
phasing in and out of the space-time continuum about every four days.
Scientists at the Krenim Institute of Temporal Physics have speculated
that these random disappearances are a direct result of certain WeBBsters
trying to be in more than one place at one time. It is commonly known
that being in more than one place at once causes quantum fluctuations,
annoying temporal anomalies, and severe migraine headaches. As numerous
crew members on both of the affected ships also reported cranial discomfort,
the KITP has speculated that the existance of numerous characters with
the same name and personality is adversely straining the fabric of space.
The Stafleet Office of Duplicate Officers (SOD-Off) has denied any responsibilty
for the recent increase in skull pain. |
| THE
NEWS |
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Franco, former STF
dictator, returns from Spain
In years past, one man came to symbolize absolute government in STF:
Jim Midyette. But closely behind him on the Scale of Despots was
one Franco Torres, leader of STF from September 1991 to September 1992.
Torres was a founding member of the club, back when it was solely on the
Prodigy online service, and was its second President (a position then called
"Flag Admiral"), after Mike Bertsch. Torres was in command during
the infamous Platt Scandal, before leaving the club in the hands of Jim
Midyette.
Now, Torres has returned to STF via the WeBB, where he has been relegated
to the menial task of Executive Officer on the Montgomery.
The former Flag Admiral is now a Commander. Welcome back, Franco!
GORBI joins the Party
Recent reports of a new Party forming under STF President Greg Hertzsch
have resulted in a large moral dilemma. GORBI_Montgomery, the computer
system on the USS Montgomery, has asked for membership in the Party,
declaring that it is a result of class warfare that pocket calculators
aren't given the same rights as mainframes. Many parts of STF have
entered the debate on the equality of computer systems. Designers
of the GORBI system at Nyetscape Miscommunications have stated that
"The GORBI system is fully capable of emulating the emotional state of
biological organisms, so it is not unreasonable to expect it to have human-like
opinions." Ares COS Ensign Kam Jahla, a recent Party recruit,
responded to the issue with the words "War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery.
Ignorance is Strength." Other STFer comments include "Computers are
people too, man!" "Computers. We don't need no steenking computers,"
and "Microsoft has tried to develop thinking computers in the past, but
how can we create artificial intelligence witthout having any human intelligence
to base it on?" STF President Greg Hertzsch's party, last time SNN
checked, was the Don't Rock The Boat Party. What this has to do with
anything else is unknown at this time. Remember to turn to the SNN network
for any information on communist revolutions that may or may not be happening
in STF.
Constitution proposed
The STF Charter,
a proposed set of laws from Commodore Mike "Insert
Quote Here" Ballway of STF*Prodigy, is still on the ZMP/STF homepage
awaiting your (yes, your!) perusal. Read it! Comment on it!
Love it!
B.J. Phillips
B.J. paid us to see his name in the paper. Hi there, B.J.!
Hicks' chicks nix six flicks
pics
In other news today . . . well, to tell you the truth, we've lost the
article that goes here. But we liked the headline so much, we decided
to run the story anyway. We are sorry about any confusion this may
have caused. |
| REGULAR
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STF*Prodigy News-in-Brief
Believe me, nothing's happening.
Fleet Three -- The Coreward Fleet
USS Athena, NCC-71819:
The Athena is still en route to Alpha Centauri for Patrell's funeral,
since the entire crew has been AWOL for the last few days.
USS Brooklyn, NCC-84706:
The Brooklyn is the newest of
the Trafalgar-Class ships in STF. Commissioned to fill the
void left in Fleet Three when the Montgomery left to command Four,
the Brooklyn is led by RPG characters of Rick Passero (CO) and Amit
Zuckerstein (XO).
USS Dresden, NCC-1837-B:
With the hijacking attempt prevented and the perpetrators executed by drawing-and-quartering,
the Dresden returned to looking for the Genesis. They
were temporarily diverted by a Crag attack, before it was discovered that
the GM had left a battle sim running and that it was all fake. When
they reached the last known coordinates of the Genesis, nowhere
near the Mutara sector, they were informed by the local Maquis colony that
they were in Maquis territory and were to leave, yesterday.
USS Olympic, NCC-80000:
An exporation mission to systems in Grid K has turned up a surprise.
One new species, which is on the verge of warp technology, has contacted
the Olympic, and, taking a cue from legendary captain James T. Kirk,
the Olympic has violated the Prime Directive and responded.
First Contact has been relatively amiable, execpt for one teeny-tiny problem,
that being that the new species' prototype warp ship is set, unbeknownst
to them, to fly straight into Federation space.
Outpost 42: The Geneve
was indeed carrying stolen goods, specifically the Sacred Chalice of Rixx,
recently stolen from the Fifth House of Betazed. The Hughes
was working undercover for SF Intelligence and had mangaged to reclaim
the Chalice, which was impounded at OP42. Guest Star Mr. Homm agreed
to send a representative to the station to recieve the Chalice. Meanwhile,
the captain of the Geneve is under interrogation to determine to
whom she was planning to deliver her cargo.
Starbase 117: Jello hostilities
continued today, with rival factions from the Red and Blue Jello camps
refusing to even come to the same table. The table does have both
flavors of jello on it, but an anonymous letter, published yesterday, from
Red Jello spokesman Fleet Captain Adam Kent, revealed that Red Jello's
main concern was the inadequate kumquat allotment offered. Blue Jello-ers
have refused to speak to reporters from respectable newspapers, and this
one also.
Fleet Four -- The "Fourmost"
Fleet
USS Alliance, NCC-82396:
The Alliance has taken a cue from the Montgomery and taken
on a fairly destructive first mission. Ordered to take out a Crag
millitary base, the Alliance proceeded to beat its way through the
Crag lines to the planet Iggy X. Two passes on the base destroyed
the installation, but not without destroying the port warp nacelle and
just about every other system on the ship. They tried hiding in a
nebula, but were persued by a Crag ship which was disabled by, can you
belive it, a Romulan ship which had heard the sounds of battle. It
also appears that Starfleet Intel has Intel inside; the REAL base is on
Iggy V (Thanks, guys.) The captured Crag vessel, now renamed the
Crouge, will be staffed and set out as a decoy so the Alliance
can effect repairs and wait for Romulan reinforcements, and then make for
DS19 as fast as its little Crag engine can carry it.
USS Ares, NCC-I know-something-you-don't-know:
The Ares finally made it to the anomaly, despite a near-mutiny over
the captain's treatment of Lovok, where it was discovered that the anomaly
took up the entire Paramount special effects budget and also appeared to
be a doorway to "another place," in which Earth was visible. In unrelated
news, a riot broke out in Sickbay when the CMO tried to give a proctological
exam to a Klingon NPC and shape-shifting COS Kam Jahla refused to have
a physical. What these two have to do with each other is still under
investigation.
USS Montgomery, NCC-84704:
Starfleet has decided that the Montgomery is a danger to the Federation
and has again worked to plot its demise. A relitively simple mission
to find the missing USS Concord found the Concord, an Aurora-class
vessel, adrift and missing half its saucer section. An away team
found the ship salvageable, as well as a Crag corpse, which confirms the
theory that the Crag are indeed five-foot-tall-Ewoks. The team was
stranded when the Monty was called away to rescue the USS Boston,
but was able to repair the ship with the help of a very convenient Klingon
warship which had decided to pay a friendly visit. The Monty, meanwhile,
lost yet another bridge as well as the Boston to the Crag, and is
in pretty bad shape. Fortunately for them, the away team on the Concord
had decided that it would look good on their records if they were able
to save the Monty with a jerry-rigged, half-working Aurora.
Deep Space 19: A pair
of Crag ships, along with a Crag troop transport, have broken through the
front lines and are heading for Vulcan. The senior officers of the
station have comandeered the USS Independence and taken after the
Crag, while the USS Tokyo has reported in from the front that nearly
30 Crag vessels are en route to DS19 with orders to severely damage Starfleet's
repairs budget.
|
WEBBsights
#3
"To transpose ourselves, in
a fashion normally classified as 'bold,' to a location
that has not, to the best of
our knowledge, been previously explored."
WeBBsights welcomes any and all comments and criticisms
from its readers -- yes, both of you.
Direct any messages to either of the Editors.
* * *
Commodore Michael
J. Ballway, Executive Editor
Captain Laurence
O. Garfield, Associate Editor
Commander Seamus
Hughes, Chief Correspondant, Fleet Three
* * *
© 1997 Zygweebil
Mufasa Productions and CNN
of STF.
The WeBBsights management
will not be held responsible if any of the above information is true. |