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Klingon ship goes down in line of duty
by Larry Garfield, chunDab Assassin
FLEET FOUR, BETA QUADRANT -- Besides the command shuffling, another major change is taking place.  The IKC chunDab, the "Klingon Ship" of Fleet Four, has been nearly dead for some time now.  Faced with waning interest in the ship, and mass defections from the crew, President Bourdaa and FComm-4 Fleet Captain Larry Garfield agreed that the ship was ready to retire.  A radiation leak on the ship on 17 October caused an instability in the warp core, which exploded taking the ship and crew with it.  The new Trafalgar-class USS Brandywine has been commissioned in Fleet Six, and the disembodied souls of the chunDab crew have been guaranteed positions, should they so desire.

It's not easy being mean
by Larry Garfield, WeBBsights Editorial Editor
The decision to replace a CO or decommission a ship is never an easy one.  But in some cases, it is an unfortunate necessity.  The chunDab was suffering from the worst case of lethargy yet seen on the WeBB (though common to Prodigy in recent years).  It was due partly, but not entirely, to the ship's Klingon focus, yet that was not the only cause.  The unfortunate loss of its CO to computer problems and the lack of subsequent action on the part of the XO also contributed to the ship's demise.  In the end, only five people were considered active on the ship, and all but one of them was in favor of letting the chunDab go boom.  Hopefully, the new energy sparked by the move to a new mainstream ship and the addition of fresh blood will make the Brandywine shine.  The decision to replace not one but three COs was similarly painful yet necessary.  B.J. Phillips was on the verge of burn out, as he himself stated in IRC.  Burnout is a major problem for a great many people, and has in the past resulted in the loss of some of the great members of STF.  Jeff Field, the first person to ever hold the position of FComm-4, left STF after managing his over a dozen characters made STF a chore rather than a relaxation.  Deanne Morgan, who currently holds more positions than any other active STFer, nearly left STF several times from burnout, and it was only the work of many of her closest friends that kept one of the best RPers the WeBB has ever seen in the club.  Franco Torres and Andrew Zbikowski were replaced not because of burnout, but because of simple lack of appearance.  It is not uncommon for a CO to be forced to take a sudden and unannounced Leave Of Absence due to Real Life, I have done that myself.  But Franco had been completely silent in all media for nearly a month, and Zibby had been almost lethargic for his entire command.  It is ironic that he became active immediately following his replacement.  It demonstrates that the problem was not a lack of skill, but of commitment, and it is for this reason that WeBBsights officially endorses moving Zibby to the head of the CO list, to try his hand again.

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STF's first RL marriage begins with heartbreak
by Elliot Carver, Insensitive Correspondent
STARBASE 202, FLEET FOUR -- Another STF romance recently did not go as well, however.  STFers John Stoer II and Faith Ann Bronsing, who live near each other but met through STF, announced a few weeks ago that they were not only engaged, but Faith was expecting.  Their marriage is currently planned for 26 June.  This was perhaps the first documented case of STFers actually marrying in Real Life.  Unfortunately, John announced on 20 October that Faith suffered a miscarriage eight weeks into her pregnancy.  Despite this tragic loss, the couple still plan to marry.  WeBBsights offers its deepest sympathies for the couple-to-be, and wishes them the best together.

Fast ship takes slow road to space
by Larry Garfield, Who Is Already Tired of Coming Up With These Stupid Titles
STF HQ, SAN FRANCISCO -- The proposed "USS Speedy," a ship intended for daily loggers only, was approved recently by STF President Mike Bourdaa.  The USS Titania, Titania class, is slated for launch any day now.  Under the command of new FComm-5 Captain Nathan Miller, the USS Titania will operate on the principle of "if you're not posting right now, you're not fast enough." One consideration for its first mission includes contact with a Pakled ship.  When asked about this potential mission, Pakled University Professor Nomed "Deeps" Toidi was reported as saying "Our species is not enough to make the Titania go.  They need a species with an IQ to make them fast.  Can you help them be fast?"

Yet another church emerges
by Larry Cardinal Garfield, Archbishop of Crell for the Church of Sisko
IRC, DAL NET -- The latest in a string of obscure, pointless, unSisko-ly religions, Bourdaaism reemerged on IRC on 14 October.  Loosely based on the ancient STC religion of the same name and founded by Randy McCullick, Bourdaaist fanatics such as Colin Wyers have refounded the Church with its central theme of "Bring back the USS Bourdaa."  Other key concepts in this reborn religion include Sacrificial Virgin Thursday and the crashing of member's computers.  Archbishop Colin Wyers has also called for large cash donations to be sent to the Bourdaa, c/o him, to appease the Bourdaa for bad jokes.  Given that its icon, Mike Bourdaa, is mounting a holy crusade to destroy Bourdaaism before it goes too far, the future of this fledgling religion is uncertain.

Golf interest on upswing (OK, that was bad, I know)
by Larry Garfield, Non-Golfer
DA'ARIN GOLF COURSE, BAJOR -- Recent OOC activity has included not only an attack of Jello jokes, but a compare-and-contrast session between Genesun Han and Jeff Roberts regarding the nature of DS9 golf.  The consensus so far is that Bashir is the worst opponent, due to his superior genetically engineered abilities.  Sisko's connection to the Prophets makes him difficult to beat, while Dax's 7 lifetimes of experience make her a challenge.  Further study has revealed that tribbles are considered a natural hazard if live, forcing the ball to be played as it lands.  A dead tribble is considered a man-made hazard and therefore removable, unless it was killed by a Klingon, in which case it is still a natural hazard.  Sand traps are considered a natural habitat for tribbles only if they are relieving themselves, in which case they are a natural hazard, otherwise they are man-made and may be removed.  Tribbles being used as toupees are considered natural hazards. 

New IDir take charge during crisis
by Larry Garfield, Anonymous Informant (Oops!  Uh, you didn't read that.)
STF HQ, SAN FRANCISCO -- On 25 October STF President Mike Bourdaa issued a statement that IDir Nick Oven was removed from his position and replaced by his former AIDir, Chris Healey.  According to Bourdaa, Oven has demonstrated lately an unwillingness to work as part of a team as well as a lack of commitment and dedication.  Healey takes charge during a tenuous situation, while the government debates the fundamental power of the ID to regulate pages stored on the STF server.  At one end of the spectrum is the opinion that all pages are the intellectual property of the author, and any form of standardization is unacceptable.  At the other end is the view that pages about STF on the STF server are STF property, and therefore subject to format and content regulation.  Following a discussion in the STF Governmental Mailing List, the controversy continues in the OOC HQ Area.  Current proposals include a uniform header/footer and sidebar, and the use of a uniform STF logo.  Meanwhile, Healey has formed a new STF Web Development Team, consisting of Owen Ashcroft, Jason Becker, Bill Gunty, and Mark Loganbach, and of course Healey himself.  The new WDT replaced the single AIDir position, and it is hoped will be more effective in maintaining the site.

Family Feud not just a game
by Larry Garfield, Undercover Operative
MADISON, WISCONSIN -- Recent weeks saw a series of personal attacks against STFer Israel Harris in OOC by one Willy Davis, followed by a stunning revelation:  Willy Davis was Israel's brother in disguise.  Apparently, Max Harris, 17, had decided to make life difficult for his older brother Israel, 21, by joining STF and harassing him and revealing personal information.  Then one day, Israel happened to catch his brother logging in and turning white, which was as good a tip-off as he needed.  After a brief exchange of physical contact, Max agreed to avoid STF, especially under the name "Willy Davis."  Although he is angry, Israel has gone on record that he would we willing to allow his brother back on STF if he uses his real name.  Since this incident occurred, the Harris boys have managed to patch up many of their differences, although not all.  Stay tuned for more details. 

MicroNews
by Peter Peterson, SNN Humor Editor

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On 14 January 1997, Mark published his first edition of SNN Headline News, a "feeble attempt to emulate Mike Ballway, who is, in my opinion, the funniest man alive, next to Jesse Helms."  As a side note, Ballway said the same thing about Mark, aside from Bill Clinton.  In actuality, Headline News was based on its predecessor Inside Edition from 27 December 1997.  (Don't ask.  OK, HN #1 was in January 1998.)  In August 1998, Mark expanded to the WeBB with HN vol. II, the WeBB Edition, which has since become a source of complete lunacy and irrelevant information.  Headline News also continues to carry the torch of SNN UPDATE with its motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" and its usage of quotes in names.

Mark, 16, is currently a sophomore at Mentor High School, the largest high school in Ohio.  He works as a writer for this school newspaper, the Mentor Inkwell, and is also active in Mentor Theater.  Despite rumors, he is not involved in the conspiracy to take over STF with misinformation, preferring to leave that to WeBBsights, nor is there any truth to the death threats he has received from Jason Y. Lee for misspelling his name.

RPG: RANDOM PLOT GEMS
Stork sues STF for overtime pay
by Deanne Morgan and the WeBBsights Staff

COMMENTARY
Genesun Han returns to reconquer SNN
by Genesun Han , WeBBsights Senior Columnist
STANFORD UNIVERSITY, CALIFORNIA -- For three weeks weary eyes have been scanning the horizon, searching in vain for Franco Torres. The former leader of STF and current Fleet Three Commander disappeared under mysterious circumstances, having returned briefly from a scheduled leave of absence. Despite the turmoil caused by the leadership absence, Fleet Three insiders report that no formal inquiry has been formed to investigate Franco's disappearance, feeding rumors of possible foul play. Leading STF conspiracy theorists point toward the seemingly coincidental fact that the daughters of Independent Prosecutor Kenneth Starr and President Clinton were present at the last known location of Franco, Stanford University. The White House refused to answer any questions, but unnamed sources close to the President conceded that members of the Secret Service were indeed present at Stanford. The Office of the Independent Counsel, and the Treasury Department also refused to comment, citing privacy concerns. In a preemptive strike, STF President Mike Bourdaa released a press statement denying any involvement in a possible cover-up, instead blaming "certain media publications who feel a need to create scandals to sell papers". Political analysts attributed Bourdaa's attack as an attempt to deflect attention away from the poor progress in solving the STF's stardate Y2K problem. President Bourdaa's press secretary denied that such political considerations were made, stressing that the Franco Watch was still in effect for Fleet Three, and a Franco Warning in effect for the Dresden. With the increasing possibility that Franco's disappearance has become permanent, the Starfleet Environmental Council once again blasted President Bourdaa's administration as being too careless of environmental issues. Contending that their plan, to breed Franco in captivity or even to clone him, would have prevented the possible extinction of the venerable species from the STF system, the Council once again challenged Bourdaa to present a sound environmental policy, specifically on the issue of Blue Jello over harvesting.  Meanwhile, devout followers, proclaiming this to be the interregnum before the prophesied Third Coming of Franco, were granted cult status by the lower Siskoian court, pending a formal hearing.  What any of this has to do with this headline is still under investigation.

Aye on the Competition:  SNN reporters seal the show
by Michael J. Ballway, SNN Executive Editor
GREENBELT, MARYLAND -- The so-called Seamus Hughes and his outlaw band of countercultural "journalists" once again cobbled together another Aye on the WeBB issue on 20 October, defying all odds and standards.

Although SNN realizes that a well-informed, thoughtful, educated, literate, socially acceptable, hygienic person such as yourself -- the WeBBsights reader -- would never deign to cast an eye toward Aye, we also realize that there are only so many things in STF to make fun of these days and to pass up the opportunity to take a few cuts at AOTW would be a violation of one of our basic journalistic tenets ("When preparing to play tenets, don't forget your tenets shoes").

The "Headlines" section of Aye on the WeBB, once a ragtag group of ill-formatted poorly-spelled tidbits with mildly amusing titles edited by Seamus Hughes, is now edited by Andrew Zbikowski, to much the same effect.  The fact that the last two stories concern the USS Montgomery is prophetic and fitting; whole segments of the section explode in their writer's face and fail unexpectedly.

The interview -- with Larry Garfield and Colin Wyers -- missed an obvious chance to play off those two's well-known political differences, but was still entertaining, despite the poor caliber of two Serious Questions (one per interviewee).  This reviewer was disappointed that as of this writing (29 October) neither Jim Armstrong's nor Nathan Miller's columns have been uploaded to the Aye site, and the Ship Sims section is likewise nonexistent.  Additionally, the Jokes section is empty.

Once again, it is the guestbook letters that carry the paper, with such diverse elements as Mark Wilson, Jeremy Friedman, Andrew Zbikowski, Mike Bourdaa, and even yours truly penning missives to the AOTW misfits.  Seamus' editor's answers evoked quite a few chuckles here at 1 SNN Center (including an instance where one of our interns had to be taken to Holy Sisko General Hospital for, as those in the medical profession say, "laughing his a** off."  It was later revealed that the intern in question had been watching "Holotubbies" at the time, but that didn't stop us from forwarding his medical bills to the AOTW legal department.  By the way, Seamus, your check bounced.).

Unsurprisingly, the two best articles of AOTW #5 are Mark Wilson's "Aye's Incompetence," the Convert from ST:TNG at his irrelevant best, and Genesun Han's "Larimda's Just a Little Note from ME."  Unfortunately, we can only award half-credit to Mr. Han's opus, due to wild factual inaccuracies, viz.:
 

Who knows, maybe we're being a little harsh (a little harsh?).  Yes, we at SNN Center did laugh at the headlines, and yes, the Genesun Han article was classic Han (as our Han article, located in this section of today's WeBBsights, is also).

Now, it's not like SNN doesn't enjoy letting AOTW tell the jokes and operate with fewer facts on file than even SNN Headline News.  We somewhat enjoy being the respectable one and actually reporting a minimum of important events.  One might even wonder, what difference does it make if the coverage on Aye is spotty?  Nobody at the SNN Headline News party was able to give us a coherent opinion on this matter, especially after the second keg arrived.  Thus, the voice of STF has spoken, and it says that the future of AOTW is up in the clouds, unbeknownst to all.

One thing is for sure:  Nobody knows where Aye on the WeBB is going next.  And nobody knows whether we want to know.  And certainly nobody knows if Seamus wants us to know, or if he wants us to know that he wants us to know.  All we know is that knowledge of the future of Aye may be too much knowledge, or at least knowledge that no man is supposed to know now.  Who knows?  Quien sabe?  Knowing is half the battle, and those who know Aye best are knowledgeably running for cover.