Worse yet, the PDir was an orange creature that voted Democrat and found innuendos in every word of the English language. Experts believe that such an entity could only survive in the rolling hills of Kentucky. Though brave people in white lab coats tried to subdue the creature with all forms of ghab'ghalosh (and plenty of crab juice), it was ultimately futile, and the two scientists were given jobs as dash-18s on the USS Futura.

The media, instead of doing the prudent thing and ducking for cover, ran to the nearest telephone booth to call their editors and report the story. None survived. GMs from around the galaxy tried to use their powers of note-cancellation, but only three realized that their powers of GMing didn't apply to real life. Those three were treated to dinner at Hardee's courtesy of the Starfleet News Network.

At last, the monsters were subdued using a unique chemical mixture of calcium carbonate and Pepsi ONE, which drove the monsters into a state of utter disgust and revulsion that allowed farmers to stick the blobs with cattle prods. In all, seventeen people (and three unpersons) were killed and injured during the massacre, known as Globular Thursday. Unruly waterfowl were quick to point out that creatures looked and tasted like various forms of Jell-O, indicating that perhaps whatever home-world Jell-O comes from is displeased with the state of Jell-O affairs in STF.

Though it is too early to speculate, experts have speculated that Jell-O creatures like these would soon terrorize STF more and more, until one day when all of STF would consist of creatures made of Jell-O. On this day, when the last human is killed, SKYNET would . . . ooh, sorry wrong story. On this day, Jell-O would become the sole inhabitant of the galaxy and no one would be left to battle it. Frightening, isn't it?
 

What role does politics play in STF? Historically, STF was born of politics. Originally a fan club without roleplaying, the political nature of personal relationships developed long before the codified rank structures and GM regulations that we know today. Even after roleplaying began, petty squabbling continued in the form of the brothers David and Mike Platt, whose names to this day are used to scare little Ensigns at slumber parties. They were not alone, however; President Franco Torres, Flag Admiral Jim Midyette, and a dozen others were "in" on the happenings of the upper-echelons, and each of these officers had his own biases and loyalties (though not as destructive as the Platts').

The Platts were eventually removed from STF by court-martial in June of 1992. Orchestrated by Jim Midyette, Mike Bourdaa, and others no longer with us, the Platt Trial was in a way a positive use of politics. Backdoors dealings, telephone calls, e-mail conversations carried out by use of the "Underground Garden" (the effective predecessor of today's closed IRC meetings), all of these were required to remove from STF two people who were using it as their own personal playground. The Platts had used their influence to twist the arms of other members into doing their bidding. It took an "enlightened conspiracy" to bring them down. The only way to stop power-hungry political hacks proved to be out-politicking them.

STF would be quieter after the departure of the Platts for some time, but politics was still alive and well. More ego-based wars were almost declared, President Jim Midyette went in and out of the presidency, and was dethroned by his own right-hand man, Jerry Phelps (better known as "Admiral ~Z~"), in July of 1994. Midyette accused Phelps of making bad policy decisions and foolish cabinet appointments, all without giving him the benefit of being heard. In his STF memoirs, published that year, Midyette swore that he would retake the Presidency.

The 1996 Command Crisis perhaps even better demonstrates the extent to which politics is inextricably tied with STF. In December of 1995, President Mike Cathcart (at the time Editor-in-Chief of SNN) and his Vice-President, Mike Barclay, both went AWOL. Den Hannigan took over, only to vanish himself in January of 1996, and be replaced by Ken Marklan. Marklan, however, also disappeared, and on 5 March 1996 Mike Ballway became acting acting acting President. It was at this time that the current form of the STF Government really took shape. Just as Marxism was modified and implemented by Lenin, the Midyetteian ideal of a strong, despotic President was modified, elaborated upon, and brought to fruition by the new generation of STF leaders, including FComm-2 Mike Ballway, new President Randy McCullick, and FComm-1 Aaron Holland. The President, who was elected along with his Vice-President and then appointed Directors to the standard Departments, remained the prime mover in STF, but with a greater openness (a move away from back-doors politicking). At the time, though, FAdm. McCullick and Cdre. Ballway disbanded the ineffective legislative body known as the Officers' Council (OC), which dated back to the days of Midyette, and made the United States Congress appear professional, nonpartisan, and amazingly efficient by comparison. Their method of doing so included much closed-doors discussion, fighting, and recrimination -- Cdre. Holland was notoriously pro-OC at this time -- but in the end the STF Government has proven to be more stable under an executive rather than legislative system.

In truth, the WeBB has shown itself to be, on average, a relatively apolitical era in STF history. The major crises of the WeBB have been the ED Crisis of January 1998, the IRC Crisis of November 1998, and the Spurlin-Morgan Crisis of March 1999. Each time, there were calls of "it's only a game" and "STF isn't about politics." Yet, fellow STFers, to deny the role that politics plays in STF is to deny STF. The politics was the first thing to bring STF together, and it was for the majority of STF's history a central foundation of the club. The push to make STF all about RPing -- to take out the politics -- is still relatively young.

For some, it is the politics that attracts them to STF. For every member who joins because he wants to have fun, there is a member who joins because he wants to be a captain. Many don't even discover their latent ambition until after they have joined. Who doesn't enjoy the feeling of getting a promotion, or being given the responsibility of command? There is hardly a member who does not have his own ideas about how STF should be run, and the only way to make those changes come about is by getting involved in the government. That is true of real world government and of STF government equally. Whether the changes are "what's best for STF" or "what's best for me," change, for better or worse, does not come without politics. For politics is that which happens when two people have differing goals and need each other to achive either one. Dirty politics is what happens when one of those people then stabs the other in the back one he has gotten what he wanted. For better or worse, STF has had more than its share of both forms in its seven and a half year history, and in all likelyhood will continue to involve Crises, clashes of personality, fallouts, and tremendous rebirths, all due to the constant influence of politics.
 

The so-called Seamus Hughes, hiding out in his secret Capital Region bunker, has once again collaborated with SNN turncoat "Benedict" Wilson to hock together an Aye on the WeBB. Although this technically happened on 8 April, a month ago, we here at SNN Center couldn't suppress our shock until now.

The new Aye -- number eight, although Issue #7 is not available for perusal -- lacks the writing of Jim Armstrong or any of the other old columnists (save for Mr. Wilson). What it lacks in personality, though, it makes up in . . . well, to be honest, it doesn't make up.

The "headlines" section was, to judge Seamus' newest issue on AOTW/PUN standards, better than average. This reviewer even may have laughed, although the pain of reading through the "Letters to the Editor" section obscured any such bouyant feelings. "Who we Are," [falsely] attributed to Roberto "Life is Beautiful" Begnini, was none other than a cheap ripoff of Chris Kattan's "Mango" speeches from Saturday Night Live, and the "Interview with Bill Gates" didn't seem to have a point.

The columns were little better. Mark Wilson's "Fleet One: The Untold Story" was only a little worse than the stuff he puts in SNN Headline News. Seamus' column, "Aye Wish Aye Was Somewhere Else," had a mildly humorous Top Ten list, but as usual it was the clipped-from-Email "Jokes" section that had to carry the paper. As a regurgitator of joke-of-the-day list material, Aye on the WeBB #8 excels; in other exploits, not so much.

Apparently the AOTW guestbook has not been signed since last year, which is too bad. This reviewer also noted that the email links for "H. Simon Gregory" and "Lance Eddington," both noms-de-plume of Mark Wilson, lead to the mailboxes of FComm-4 Larry Garfield and Yours Truly, respectively. Nice work there, Seamus.

A quick summary of the rest of the pack . . . Ginger Johnson's Intergalactic Times literary magazine seems to have fizzled out despite an advertisement on the USS Montgomery MOTD . . . Veep Colin Wyers' promised STF opinion mag, Star-Fleet Review, also seems to have been pushed to the wayside by other concerns . . . GIN has been placed, officially, on hiatus by editor Mike Bourdaa . . . The Tangled WeBB We Weave, Jim Armstrong's attempt at Canadian-based humo[u]r, is AWOL since its fifth issue on 13 April, eh . . . and FNN, we can safely assume, is down for the count. This means that SNN appears to have a strong monopoly on the STF newsmedia front.

There, I've just made my day.