On a separate note, certain of you may have noticed, already, a resemblance in this issue to the style of our sister publication SNN Headline News. Don't worry; it gets worse. We have decided to jettison our hoity-toity, holier-than-thou WeBBsights aloofness for one issue, in the spirit of the recent foolishness documented above, and we will even -- this brings tears to News Poo-bah Larry "No! That's not true! That's impossible!" Garfield's eyes -- break down and use QuoteGags™. Yes, QuoteGags™. We have sunk that low. It's a good thing he's not dead, because if he were, Mark "Can I call you Dadoo?" Wilson would be spinning in his grave. As it is, he's probably spinning in a swivel chair at his computer.

Meanwhile, please enjoy the issue as we make a Mentor [get it? --Ed.] out of Mark and learn from STF's current reigning comedy-newsletter master.

Tell us what you think, at snn@star-fleet.com.

Well, we promised Mark we wouldn't comment on his new format, but we never said that we wouldn't quote cartoons' comments on it.

We asked The Tick what he thought, but all he had for us was a kitchen utensil. We then went to the World's Oldest Woman for advice, but she was out in some other time period (?). Freakazoid offered the first real review: "Cosgrove said it was funny, but I dunno, I prefer that Aye on the WeBB #7 myself." Joe the Announcer had a few choice words for this, before Ricardo "Gutierrez" Montalban broke in, telling us about serving directions for revenge. Zan and Jaina said they were impressed at how HN took the "form of . . . something different!" before they [the Wonder Twins] were tortured and agonizingly snuffed out of existence by an international cadre of cartoon fans with good taste. Brain inquired as to how it would aid him in taking over the world, while Pinky NARFed away contentedly, stopping only to add, "I think so Brain, but if we hired NickServ to write H. Simon Gregory's column, then who would keep Seamus from impersonating Bob?"

Speed Racer got into the Mach-5 and drove away from us as fast as possible, leaving us with that inscrutable Sprytle and his annoying pet Chim-Chim. Dexter, however, was nicer, inviting us into his Laboratory and revealing, "I haff been studyink zhees Headline Neews for a very long time. I only fear that DeeDee weell get her hands on it." We assumed he meant Deanne "J.P." Morgan. Space Ghost struck a pose and, before he could answer our question, got into a fight with Zorak. Ren said "What eeees it, mon? That Mark Wilson is out of hees miiind!" Stimpy warned us not to whizz on the electric fence (always good advice).

Rounding out our fact-finding mission with a trip to Springfield, we discovered that Diamond Joe "The, ah, Mayah" Quimby was 60% in favor of the new format, saying "I, uh, cahn't see anything wrong with the, ah, fohmaht!" Chief Clancy "Better start the search in Greektown!" Wiggum volunteered, "yeah, that's some good formatting there, Mark." Apu "Ny Mets" Nahasapeemapetilon, asked whether he could live with the new HN, remarked: "[it] is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god . . . but okay!" All in all, animated non-STFers seem to agree that the new Headline News background and text styles are a Good Thing. Jay "The Critic" Sherman, unfortunately, did not return our calls.

 

Of the SuperFriends, Batman and Superman led the pack with four votes each, proving that STFers will go for the comic-book mainstream whenever possible (or, that they could not remember the names of the other SuperFriends). This reporter's mental image of SNN founder Genesun "Glurgle-cheep-cheep" Han, former STF Prez Randy "Gee, I guess I don't know everything about being a super hero!" McCullick, and random Titania person Nathan "Shape of . . . a daily poster!" Miller was shattered when he found out that they cast their votes for the annoying "Superhero-in-Training" characters that marred the show's worse years: Gleek the monkey, Marvin the teenage idiot, and the Wonder Twins, respectively. At least nobody mentioned Marvin's girlfriend, Wendy, or "Wonder Dog," which had more brains than the two of them put together, yet still wore an ugly cape (for that oh-so-marketable "Scooby-Doo from Krypton" look). On the plus side, look at the interview in this issue and you'll see why I'm so proud of Seamus.

What does this say about the future of STF? Not much, really. Scientologists such as Dr. Oreh Repus "The check's in the mail" Toidi of Pakled University are trying to isolate a trend in "What's your favorite SuperFriend" answers, but until he can secure that government grant, this article just exists to take up space. Howabout that Tribe, eh?

 

Well, Mr. Wilson got sick of living in the SNN cardboard box. I offered him a cardboard box and a paper plate. He was sold.

If we were on a 20 story building, I'd jump off. If we were on a 2 story building, I'd ask for back allowance that you would owe me.

By 2 AM I'm usually *in* the gutter.

Oh, that's easy. The Cage.

SNN: Not your dad?

I did say my dad... Mike "Da Cage" Bourdaa.

No, Mom is busy as it is. Besides, why would I turn STF into a dictatorship and then make my mom ruler? I'm as greedy and egotiscal as the next physcho dictator. I should rule STF with a Steel Fist (Iron is too expensive)

They were both crappy. Give me a makeshift model of a ship hanging on a string over a cheesy looking computer animated ship any day.

Oh man . . . whatever I say I'm going to get hate mail for huh? No comment.

Well, according to my girlfriend's book. I'm from Mars. She's from Venus.

It's only a tint of purp-- hey! Wait . . . that was some joke about my girlfriend being alien . . . No comment.

I would have to go with Green Lantern. He was the only one of the bunch that didn't sell out and do Nike commericals.

There has been considerable discussion on the subject, and fortunately many people do see it for what it is. FComm-6 Seamus Hughes was quoted as saying "This is the most inane idea Bob has ever had. We need my dad Mike back." He was joined by SNN Headline News chairman Mark Wilson, who threatened to resign from STF should it ever go into operation.

Unfortunately, Vice-President Colin Wyers sided with his boss, endorsing the Mass Initiative as the best way to insure STF's future past the milennium. FComm-5 Nikolle Burchett also joined with the President. She suggested extending the implementation period from two months to four months, but otherwise considered the plan to be sound.

As a member of STF since 21 August 1997, I have seen many plans proposed for making STF more fun, more interesting, reducing the fighting in Command, and every other possible reorganization plan. But this is by far the worst ever. The Mass Initiative would not only make it harder for people to get promotions that they deserve, it would effectively reward people who go AWOL frequently. Even ship captains would be more limited in their power and abilities.

STF turns eight years old this week. In all that time, it has undergone many changes, some good, some bad. But there have always been constants that have kept STF alive and afloat during every crisis. The Mass Initiative would in one fell swoop remove all of those things which has made STF possibly the largest non-corporate RPG club on the Internet, certainly the largest non-corporate Star Trek RPG club. Spurlin would have us throw all of that away, however, for the sake of this plan.

Why are people endorsing this idea? How could anyone not see the destructive effect it would have? Many of them are people who would benefit by it. They are supporting it for purely selfish reasons. This Editor is not one of them. We cannot allow STF to be destroyed by the Mass Initiative, no matter what. All those who agree are encouraged to post their support in the "Starfleet Command" ship in the "Command Area" fleet. Do not press down upon the brow of STF this crown of thorns. Do not crucify this club on a cross of HTML.
 

Where is the humor-oriented STFer who has not been decried as Central HQ-istic by his opponents in the Cabinet? Where the "respectable" member who has not hurled back the branding reproach of Central HQ, against the more advanced proponents of Fun, as well as against the real insurgents?

Two things result from this fact.
I. Central HQ is already acknowledged by all the Cabinet to be itself a Power.
II. It is high time that Central HQ-ists should openly, in the face of the whole club, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the Spectre [sic] of Central HQ with a Manifesto of the party itself.

To this end, Central HQ-ists of various nationalities assembled at Starbase 277 and sketched the Seamus Manifesto, which was published in the Standard, Klingon, Spanish, Romulan, Cardassian, and Pig Latin languages.

The history of all hitherto existing WeBB society is a history of rank struggle. Director and President, Captain and Admiral, Junior Officer and Department Head, Nameless Ensign and unspeakably cruel GM, in a word, oppressed and oppressor [actually, that's three words, but Marx couldn't count it correctly either --Ed.], stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary re-constitution of the Fleets (e.g. expansion and everyone moves up a notch) or in the common ruin of the contending classes (e.g. letting Izzy Harris post in the OOC Zone -- what were we thinking?).

Skipping a bit because this Manifesto gets boring quickly, we have the chief tenets of the revolutionary Central HQ-istic Party. Chief among them is "Central HQ" regaining its rightful name, a nod to the personality of the proletariat over the impersonal "Starfleet Command." In the same vein, noted bourgeois running-dog Libertarian Mike "No, el Comunismo no es una cosa buena!" Bourdaa is encouraged to stop worrying about the progressive encroachment of Government and crack a smile now and then, if not for the Party, then at least for his poor son who has now resorted to writing half-baked manifestoes just to get dad's attention. A major selling point for enlightened bourgeois such as Admiral Mike "Sí, es un cambio total de mis opiniones politicos, pero, es para un articulo de SNN, entonces todo es bien" Ballway is the plank advocating the right for Fleet Commanders to decide how best to serve the People through the ministry of the OOC Starbases, rather than hearing their options dictated to them by some Capitalist pig-dog President.

A Civil War or two is inevitable with a revolutionary plan such as this going against the established Powers, but Herr Seamus has pushed to spare workingmen's lives by re-enacting old wars, and (just for added safety) using monkeys as warriors instead. We think we saw this fail on The Simpsons, but it's a good idea anyway and I doubt the Bosses have anything better to spend their money on (Vanderbilt University, yeah right!). Skipping the planks that have to do solely with exploding sheep, we come to the all-important recognition for our wage-earning fairies, who must be encouraged by clapping whenever the word "twinkle" is uttered. Incidentally, this should help bring STFers of all ranks together. Similarly unifying will be the "all-dessert-inclusion" plank. For years, the petty bourgeois class has exploited the Jello and other dessert-food differences among lower-ranked STFers to keep us fighting amongst ourselves and unable to challenge them. The prospect of a united Ensignry is scary to them, as well it should be, because it means an end to their oppression of us.

Four Wheel Drive. This should require no more explanation. And, of course, Fun. After all, that's what a proletarian revolution is all about.

The Central HQ-ists disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that all their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions, or possibly the change of "Starfleet Command" to "Central HQ" on the MOTD; the jury's out on this one. Let the ruling Cabinet tremble at a Central HQ-ist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their ranks. They have a pointless war to win.