Alright, we don't all like the way Deep Space Nine ended. Some of us hated it. But nevertheless, it's what happened. But it's not all bad. By special arangement, WeBBsights was able to track down the entire cast of Star Trek's starbase series, and force them into our studio for a special recording session. Let's go meet the Prophets, with Starbase Deep Space Nine! Brought to you by honorary STFer Denise Garfield, with assistance from her sons Larry and James.

 

However, it actually takes wrong mathematics to make it work out. Six times nine is 54 in the base 10, or decimal, number system. However, in the base-13 number system, 6*9=42 evaluates as true (10, in the decimal number system, can be decomposed to mean one unit of tens, and zero units of ones, as everyone was probably taught in grammar school. In the base 13 system, 10 would break down as one unit of 13 and zero units of ones. Wake up, you! No, really, wake up, you're drooling on the keyboard! WAKE UP!).

That is not the final word on the subject, however. Douglas Adams himself has actually remarked upon the subject, and his words on the subject are thus: "The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought '42 will do.' I typed it out. End of story." Actually, the story will proceed to ramble on for several more sentences, but that's another story altogether [one which the WS editorial staff may find someone more qualified to do, I'm sure you're all hoping. --C.W.].

It has probably become quite clear that this sort of editorial nonsense cannot be allowed to propagate any further [and I mean SNNHN, not this story. --C.W.]. So, all dedicated to the pursuit of journalistic integrity can throw their copies of the story out an airlock, as well as Wilson, if we're all lucky.
 

Welcome to Greenbelt, Maryland, a small but growing town about twenty minutes from Washington, D.C. Enter Seamus Hughes, a 15-year-old sophomore in High School, crazy about life. Enter Oster Toaster Oven, the source of all evil in the universe. Enter April or May of 1999, now known as the Month the Toaster Oven Died.

What started out as a simple easy way to cook a pizza in a toaster oven quickly turned into a simple easy way to burn down the house (man, that was a great song . . . "burning down the house!"). Seamus Hughes, the fun-loving 15-year-old (see also, above paragraph) had decided that he was hungry. He placed his small pizza in the toaster oven and went back downstairs to finish posting. 15 minutes later, all hell had broken loose. Smoke had filled the entire house from top to bottom. The smoke alarm was going off. A cow jumped over the moon. Et cetera, all the stuff described in the Book of Revelation. Seamus quickly raced upstairs only to see Satan dancing with delight on top on his toaster. A fire in the toaster! A Satan dancing! It couldn't get much worse!

[Enter cheesy 'danger' music. Screen fades out. Commerical Break.]

Seamus, quickly ran straight at Satan. Satan disappeared and Seamus ended up ramming his head on the wall (see also, Sarah Black). One evil down, one to go. Hughes looked at the toaster oven. It's either you or me, he thought to himself. He got a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water (it's amazing he found a cup in all that smoke). He then proceeded to pour the water on the toaster oven to kill the fire (please note, the toaster oven was NOT unplugged). Luckily, he wasn't electrocuted (or should we say unluckily?). The toaster was crispy and dead. But one thing lingered on. The damned annoying noise that the smoke alarm made. Seamus throw his glass at the smoke alarm. The Noise stopped. Now, the real emerancy was at hand. How to clean up all the mess before his mother came home in 5 minutes. He opened all the windows, cleaned up the broken glass, and scrubbed the oven. It still smelled like smoke, the oven didn't work and the smoke alarm would never buzz again. It was time to lay on the scared routine.

His mother came home. After telling the tale of how he was almost killed with tears in his eyes, his mother replied. "That's fine, Seamus. Just good thing you weren't hurt." Seamus gave a sigh of relief. "Oh, but you do know you're paying for the smoke detector, the oven, and the broken glass."

"NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Screen fades out]

Exit Greenbelt Maryland. Enter the moral of the story: Oven don't kill People. People kill Ovens (see also, Nick).
 

Normal, God-fearing U.S. citizens have sucessfully repelled the followers of Tony Blair, and in the case of Ashton even managed to convert one, dangers lurk form other enclaves of Queen supporters. Canadian forces led by Captain Jaret Hargreaves made an unsucessful attempt to sieze control of OOC earlier this year, falling back to a secret base on the USS Constellation. They have even established a propaganda machine right under the nose of Starfleet Command, in the form of Jim Armstrong's so-called newsletter The Tangled WeBB We Weave, which only accepts Kanooks as writers. Undercover SNN reporters inside the Canadian forces were able to learn these and many more important facts from the Headquarters of Canadian World Domination, which SNN strongly suggests all loyal Americans read [for criticism purposes, of course --Ed.].

While loyal Americans were defending Fleet Two from the Northern Agressors, however, a more sinister plot was brewing Down Under. STF's most notorious Australian, FComm-5 Nikolle Burchett, recently took it upon herself to advertise STF in a local Australian newspaper's list of readers' favorite websites. This massive act of recruiting and impressment into the Queen's army resulted in a sudden influx of new members from Earth's smallest continent, rapidly filling ships to capacity and even reinstating the forgotten position of dash-4 in some cases. Personnel Director Greg Hertzsch has declared a state of emergency ["New Jersey" --Ed.], and at his suggestion STF President Bob Spurlin has commissioned a new ship in Fleet One to house the overflow of Australian Invaders. Loyal American STFers worldwide are encouraged to do their part, and keep their activity up and their Red, White, and Blue waving, lest an unwanted 'u' find its way into your next "humo[u]rous" and "colo[u]rful" post.
 

Jason Brocklesby.

I know what those two collections of consonants and vowels mean. The very mention of that name conjures up grand images in my mind of a dedicated officer who involved himself in STF government, whose political career in this club -- and back then, political careers really were political -- paralleled mine for a while. An officer who rose to the ranks of Captain. An officer whose ship was decommissioned what only seemed like seconds after he'd recieved that fourth pip. An officer whose dedication to the USS Apparition prompted him to resign in protest, despite numerous counsels to the contrary. An officer who wrote what still remains in my mind one of the most vicious resignation letters in the history of this club, replete with "you don't care," "what did I ever to do deserve this," and similar sentiments. An officer whose name came to stand, in that generation of STFers, for unnecessary sniping, for pouting and childish ultimatums, and for unacceptance of change. In my mind, the name Jason Brocklesby stands for a moment in STF's history and a personality that you can see echoed in many of the standoffs that have prompted resignations in recent news.

Only one other person in STF has the vaguest inkling of what Jason Brocklesby means, and that person is Mark Wilson, the author of both mentions. The Brocklesby episode became a joke in SNN UPDATE, that every time we decommissioned a ship, we'd have Brocklesby pop up and complain that the Prez was contemplating decommissioning the Apparition. But few, if any, STF*Pers got the joke; and virtually none of the WeBB's readership, largely newbies, will understand the Brocklesby story.

It's a trend toward the esoteric in STF humor. Nearly all the jokes in any given HN or AOTW, or in the recent WS #26, hinge on knowledge of American pop culture, specifically a narrow range of comedy shows including The Simpsons, The Daily Show, Saturday Night Live, Freakazoid, Pinky and the Brain, SuperFriends, and Animaniacs. Every time I read one of Capt. Wilson's or FCpt. Hughes' articles, I am taken aback by the number of jokes I wouldn't understand if I hadn't seen the shows of Comedy Central and Kids' WB. The current issue of SNN Headline News begins with one of my favorite Simpsons quotes: "Aye, the hot pants." Is everyone going to get this joke? Will a majority get it? Well, what about Brocklesby?

Of course, it all matters what the audience is. When I was writing SNN UPDATE, my target audience was me. Capt. Wilson has indicated to me that his target audience, also, is himself. This tends to negate any complaints about esoteric jokes, since Mark's audience of one will get any joke that his editorial staff of one can cook up. Of course, that doesn't make it any easier for the rest of us to understand. And some of Mark's best jokes are the most esoteric. When you take an STF event and write it in parallel with the plotline of a Simpsons episode -- or place a character from Saturday Night Live into the Star Trek universe -- or have an STF member start speaking in Freakazoid quotes -- you've created the potential for a very funny situation. If your readers have the correct cultural frame of reference.

There's nothing to do about esoteric writing in STF newsletters. It's here to stay because all humor is, to some degree, esoteric, and the easiest and funniest humor is the most exclusive. All we can do is bow to the mighty gods of comedy and watch as much TV as possible. Or we can throw a fit, resign from the club in protest, and have jokes made about the parallels between us and . . . you know who.

The Tangled WeBB We Weave folks have been busy, with Capt. Jim Armstrong adding the second voice of Capt. Moe Younis to aid in the reporting. TW3 is up to Issue #7 and has made the switch to IDir Mike Bourdaa's STF template. The mostly-serious articles included an obligatory Spurlin/Townes piece and a formal dressing-down of this webpaper for its "Mass Initiative" hoax published in WS #26. Sorry for any confusion that may have caused. There's also a song. Listen for it on MuchMusic. It's based on a song by Fastball and it's about Nameless Ensigns. I couldn't get "The Way" out of my head after reading TW3. Thanks a lot for the mental anguish, Jim.

SNN Headline News has also been publishing lately. Have they ever! Up to 39 issues already with four of those in the last month. Capt. Wilson's switched to a new format but the quality's the same. HN is still your safest bet in the humorous newsletter world. Can we have our check now, Mark?