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YOUR #1 SOURCE FOR WeBB MISINFORMATION
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Saturday, 21 August 1999 - Issue #28 - A ZMP Newspaper Distributed By SNN
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Ship shuffle shakeup
Why’s everybody always Picting on me?
#STAR-FLEET, IRC.DAL.NET -- On, of all days, Friday 13 August, IRC got just a little weird. In recent weeks, several people have voiced their objection to Elana Rubin's choice of ship names for the replacement for the USS Ares. Jason Lee has been one of the most vocal of the people picting on Rubin in the Command Ship, but even he didn't have the hunger for punnery to attempt what the Friday the 13th IRC crowd did. In a rapidfire pun-meet, several STFers did moor to discredit the entire Visigoth class than even Jason Brocklesby could have achieved. The repeated bad puns about every possible ship name goth out of hand within 15 minutes, stretching the creative inuition of the chatters. Although Owen Townes insisted that "Neither me nor mongolfriend like the name Pict" [by that time the puns were getting rather incaherent --Ed.], even Rubin herself joined in the fray to make a few franck comments about the Visigoth naming scheme. Alan Felts was present for the weirdness, although he was rather unamused. He was even quoted as saying "You-you stop-a making fun a' maya ship, or else-a I'm-a gonna sioux all of ya!" All discussion ceased when Mike Bourdaa laid down the law. "I really hopi you vandals are done slaving away over these gaulling puns," he said.
Hughes reveals a Fleet without a Futura
USS REVELATION, FLEET SIX -- "I am the moist towelette of progress that dabs away the fast-food grease of old names and cleans the fingertips of today's ships," Seamus Hughes proclaimed last week as he presided over the changing of two (count 'em, two) ship names in his "Fleet Sixth." Owen Townes' USS Ares made way for Elana Rubin's USS Pict, adopting the much-maligned name that remains the favorite of its new CO. And with the retirement of the Futura class from ED consideration, the ship of the same name has been axed from the Frontierward lineup, replaced by the Genesis-class USS Revelation. "It's the end of the world as we know it," said FCpt. Hughes as he broke open the first of the seven seals on his new ship's airlock. This reporter resisted the temptation to mumble "and I feel fine," but did in fact keep an eye out for the four horsemen. It is expected that FCpt. Hughes will reign over the Revvie for a thousand years, after which the Devil (or Colin Wyers) will be released to wreak havoc upon the ship. And then a new club will be created, like the old one, but pristine and fit for Bourdaa. And then Bourdaa will say, "Behold, I make all things new. I am the alpha and the omega." And the Son of Bourdaa will sit at his right hand.
Foremost Fleet gets an ‘Owie’
USS OGAWA, FLEET ONE -- For the past fortnight, Stuart Coll has been pushing a plan to comission a McCoy-class Medical Cruiser in STF, and with STF President Bob Spurlin's Edict #19, he has succeeded. The McCoy, designed by Deanne Ashton (nee Morgan) and Larry Garfield, is intended as a second-character-only ship. An attempt was made to commission a McCoy shortly after it was passed in April, but that plan never materialized. This time, however, the movement rapidly gained over a dozen supporters, including both designers. In light of the recent complaint that the new USS Pict has no good nicknames, designer Larry Garfield suggested the ship name USS Ogawa, which could be nickamed the "Owie." In light of the growing movement, however, Spurlin agreed, and on 13 August comissioned the Ogawa in Fleet One. In a surprise move, however, he gave command of the new ship to Co-Designer "Deanne Morgan." Most have agreed to overlook the technicality that Deanne Morgan is no longer a member of STF but is now Deanne Ashton (Prez Spurlin corrected his mistake in Edict #20). Ashton herself accepted the position on the provision that the ship not become hyper-paced. So far, in its first week of roleplaying, a dispute has already broken out regarding the nickname controversy. While most new crewmembers have stuck with the suggestion to call the ship "Owie," FComm-1 Mark Wilson steadfastly refuses to accept such an injury and instead calls the new ship the "Yogi." Plans to name one of the two included runabouts the "Boo Boo" have been met with extreme hostility.
GWF vows vengeance as F1 gains Aries
USS ARIES, FLEET ONE -- FComm-2, GWF partisan, and religious zealot Mike Ballway, reacting to news of an unprecedented fifth ship in Fleet One, posted incendiary comments on the GWF MOTD (or "MOTDOOL") on 19 August. Although the original impetus for the move was the 13 August commissioning of the Ogawa, which brought the Foremost Fleet up to a tie with the Great White Fleet (at four ships apiece), the hotheaded FComm quickly changed the page a day later to reflect the 19 August commissioning of the Andromeda-class cruiser USS Aries, under the command of Captain Cordell Garrett (CO) and LtC. Ari Herbstman (XO). GWFers fear an invasion by Fleet One-ers is in the works, with an advance party consisting of Victorious CO/Constellation XO Mark Wilson leading the way. The MOTD lists Capt. Wilson as Public Enemy No. 1 (an honor for which the Headline News editor edged out former Admiral Mike Barclay, no small feat). Officials such as Fleet One functionary Adam Kent bemoaned the lack of communication between the two Fleets: "If only the FComm-1 had made clear the fact that his rapid expansion and mobilization efforts, recent Coca-Cola support, and pronounced Red Jello tendencies were not in any way to be construed as prologues to anti-GWF aggression, then we wouldn't have this crisis today." USS Arleigh Burke nameless doctor Miguel Medieros, speaking on a condition of anonymity, agreed with FCpt. Kent's analysis and added, "unfortunately, it looks as though these two Fleets, which share so much in common, could be headed down the path of mutual destruction, much to the delight, no doubt, of oft-neglected Fleet Three." As usual, Fleet Three was screening its subspace radio calls and could not be reached to comment, even when SNN tried masquerading as a long-distance company that could save them two cents a minute on calls up to twenty minutes, and then three cents a minute thereafter.
With Wyers gone, ED becomes classier
ENGINEERING R&D, SAN FRANCISCO -- While EDir Owen Townes took a brief one-week LOA, the department he left behind suddenly became hyperactive. Despite the absence of all three members of the ED staff -- EDir Wyers, AEDir Nathan Miller, and Dockmaster Randy McCullick -- no less than three different ship specs made an appearance, including some first timers. Alan Felt's Monolith freighter, intended as an NPC ship for GMs to shoot at, has been one of the most sucessful, and looks as if it will be approved in the not too distant future. Mark Wilson has also made a contribution, in the form of the Andromeda-class General Cruiser, intended to replace the now defunct Aurora class as STF's close copy of the Galaxy. The Andromeda, a nod to the flagship of the now-defunct Prodigy club STNG, is one of the most technologically precise specs ever posted in the ED, with more description of component output and function that any other design. Of course, as most of the terms are invented for Star Trek use anyway, they are of little use. The Andromeda has been approved for use (and entered into service with the new ship USS Aries), and the Monolith appears on the fast track to approval, with computer giant Nyetscape Communications of Novsibirsk, Russia designing computer systems for both ships. The Monolith is slated to recieve a dedicated non-AI system, while the Andromeda comes equipped with Nyetscape's first venture into bio-neural AI systems. The new design, code-named PSY101, focuses on the development of a new AI OS named SIGMUND. Nyetscape CEO Larry Garfield would not comment further, except to say that SIGMUND would not use the Russian-accented interface of previous systems. "SIGMUND will have its own AI interface system," he said, "and its own set of idosyncracies." The ED's other proposed design, the Concordia-class Diplomatic Cruiser, has met with little success. Its failure is due in part to its lack of a niche to fill, and in part to the fact that it sports more weapons than the Nimitz-class Dreadnaught, yet claims it is intended for missions which would be a waste of the Nimitz' weapons.
Comments on the Pict? The Owie? The other new ships? Tell us what you think, at snn@star-fleet.com. | ||||||
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‘Spurlinated’ REM resigns -- temporarily
#STAR-FLEET, IRC.DAL.NET -- Hopes for a resignationless final 2 months of STF President Bob Spurlin's term were destroyed last week when former Captain Randy McCullick and Prez Spurlin rammed heads in IRC. McCullick, the former USS Ark Angel CO, asked Spurlin, "Bob, You have about five minutes to explain to me why replaced me as CO while I was on an emergancy LOA?" Spurlin, while having the chance to stop an potential huge argument, opted for the "I will be happy to give you reasons but NOT under threat or demand. Now would you care to ask politely?" approach. Needless to say, it didn't go over well. One thing led to another, questions on why President Spurlin didn't e-mail Randy informing him that he was removed were brought up in which Bob responded, "You had no internet access, it would have been pointless." Bob went on to say that "it was not personal. A ship has to have a CO."
Randy, fed up with the entire discussion, merely responded, "I, Randy McCullick, do hereby resign all active commissions from STF until such time that the current STF administration and policies are changed. I do regret this action, but the current administration has left me no other choice." Luckily, a few hours later, Brian Moss and Seamus Hughes were able to talk Mr. McCullick into taking an extended Leave of Absence until Spurlin's term concluded. The question now remains, When will this madness stop?
PepsiMan exposes Cokeheads’ fallacies
McPARTY BALLROOM, RISA -- Cola War '99 continues in the McParty VIII, overshadowing all other McParty action as the "Coke Response Team," led by LOA FComm-4 Larry Garfield, continues to badger Pepsi drinkers and fabricate stories of hard luck aimed at earning sympathy from McPartygoers. The group's first pack of lies, centered around the allegation that Pepsi had been enthroned as the preferred drink of the McParty and Coke had been outlawed, was blown out of the water by McParty Coordinator and PepsiMan Mike Ballway earlier this month; yet the CRT propoganda machine, headed by "Real Thing" demogogue Charley Marschall, continues to spew forth spurious insinuations and bald-faced untruths. Stories of Gestapo-like guards continually pop up in CRT posts (Pepsi Freedom Fighters don't employ guards); the Marschall fantasy world imagines Pepsi as an addiction (it is only a soft drink preference, folks!); and outlandish tales of oppression stemming from the "unavailability" of Coke aim at cloaking the CRT in the fabric of the equality movement (Freedom Fighters note that if you don't bring anything to drink, you can't drink anything). Yet no matter how often their claims are denounced as false, the Cokeheads invariably return with the same tired old ammunition to use against the Pepsi Freedom Fighters. "Always Coca-Cola" has turned into "Always the same discredited strategy."
Vending Machine seen as CRT Holy Grail
McPARTY HOTEL, RISA -- As propogandists fought the battle of words in the McParty ballroom, Coke leader Larry Garfield, searching for a Coke vending machine, mysteriously disappeared. Lacking any evidence at all, Cokeheads such as Charley Marschall and Stuart Coll immediately blamed Pepsi for "kidnapping" and attempting to "brainwash" the CRT guru. Pepsiite leader Mike Ballway bared his group's financial records, showing that the Freedom Fighters (a guerrilla movement) lacked the resources to buy even a headquarters, much less guards and brainwashing equipment, although they had been given a few small contributions (such as their mascot dog, Checkers). Ignoring the evidence, Coke immediately asked Mark Wilson to find an archaeologist suitable for the task of tracking down the vending machine (which has become a high priority for the CRT) and the lost leader. In swooped Professor Illinois Smith (played by Harrison Oldsmobile), who is currently leading the expedition while his father, Pepsi fan Heinrich Smith (Sean Helmery), follows behind and antagonizes him, calling him "Junior" at every turn. This sim marks the return of nonunionized Mexican director Steven Spielbergo to the holoscreen alongside Executive Producer George Lucas, who is taking a break from a top-secret Fleet Four sequel project code-named Blue Jello Harvest.
Kiloquad code cracked; coders cackle
NYETSCAPE COMMUNICATIONS, NOVOSIBIRSK -- "The quadernary code is the key to understanding the kiloquad." So wrote Mark Wilson in his breakthrough 28 May treatise on Star Trek computer science. Since this scientific principle was expounded, researchers at Nyetscape Communications here in Russia have worked day and night, and then day again (joke, not to mention article concept, shamelessly stolen from Headline News; sorry, Mark), to find the four operations needed to make a base-four system such as the kQ work. Capt. Wilson framed the challenge with the sentence "we're not sure what the four operations are, but there are four of them." Computer geeks at Nyetscape, working with a delegation of CS majors from Pakled University, announced on Tuesday that they had found the four missing operations (earning them a $500 reward from the Fulton County police, who had started the official manhunt at the request of one of the operations' wives). The four operations, which until recently scientists had identified as "X," "Y," "Z," and "Bob," were revealed in a stunning press conference to be: John, Paul, George, and Ringo. As stunned media representatives quickly started wiring the story back to their editors, the scientists doubled over in laughter and pointed at the crowd. "Ha, ha, you guys actually fell for it," they screamed. "You press folks are really gullible! I can't believe you actually fell for the old phony-press-conference trick!" The scientist spokesman's demeanor then sobered up and he said "Cripes, this means I lose that $10 bet. Yeeks!" What he meant by this is still under investigation by a posse of Red Jello maniacs and Fulton County sheriffs. Rumors persist that indeed the kiloquad code has been cracked, but as far as SNN is concerned we haven't heard of any real progress yet, though we were able to write an article about nothing (and that's progress, isn't it?).
Journalists to judge WeBB MOTDs
SNN CENTER, CHICAGO -- The Starfleet News Network today announced STF's first-ever MOTD contest. The competition will be called MOTDOTY 1999 (Messages-of-the-Day of the Year, 1999). SNN journalists and guest judges will review each of the MOTDs in STF and rate them on a fixed scale, balancing such categories as usefulness (how relevant the MOTD is), size (whether the MOTD is too short or too long), and aesthetics (the level of beauty and readability of the MOTD). The judges will be exempt from judging their own designs, of course. The winner of the MOTD contest will have his ship proclaimed to be the most beautiful in STF. Get cracking on those editors, STF!
MicroNews
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PERSONALITY FOCUS ™
Brian Moss, GM, drafter, cat owner
SWAINSBORO, GEORGIA -- Brian Moss is one of the many STFers who found STF through Yahoo! while RPG hunting. Since joining STF on 17 April, he has gone on to serve on the Olympic, Futura, Genesis, and Independence. In his spare time, he also terrorizes the crews of the Alliance and Futura as GM, and will soon be adding his special brand of mayhem to the newly-comissioned USS Ogawa.
Brian, 22, is a Computer Aided Drafting operator for a wood manufacturing company. "Translated, that means I sit in front of a computer 8 hours a day," he says. Unfortunately, his workplace does not have Internet access, which means STF places him in front of an electron gun several more hours each day. What little time he has left gets split between his significant other, one Julie of Tennessee (the two are able to meet in person only twice a year, which may explain that after 5 years nothing serious has happened), and a certain feline by the name of Ivory. "She does some of my posting for me," he tells SNN, which may explain some of his odder moments. Brian hopes to go back to college at some point to get a degree in Psychology and abandon the technology field, but will "stick with [STF] for as long as it's still fun."
THIS MONTH IN STF HISTORY
McNews from three years of SNN UPDATE
STF ARCHIVES, MEMORY PRIME -- SNN UPDATE was retired from service one year ago this month, on 26 August 1998. For SNN, it marked the end of an era where the focus was on Prodigy. Herewith, the top stories of the last three years of SNN UPDATE:
ARDRA'S ADVOCATE
Bob made the right call on AA CO sub
CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO -- STF President Bob Spurlin has had his share of crises in the past. Although his term started off strong, a personal conflict with a member of his own Cabinet, combined with his poor handling of the situation, gave him a bad aura almost from the start of his term. His diplomatic abilities have been shown many times to be less than one would hope for, and many have disagreed with his decisions on many occations. Yet, in the most recent controversy, an objective look at the issue shows that Spurlin was acting as best he could, and did the right thing.
Recently, longtime STF member Randy McCullick, former CO of the USS Ark Angel in Fleet One, took an emergency LOA without any notification, other that setting the LOA flag in the WeBB software. It was later learned that his mother had ussurped the computer to take to her office, leaving McCullick only enough time to declare LOA and leave. Two days after his LOA expired, Spurlin replaced him as CO on the Angel. When McCullick returned a few days later, he was furious at losing yet another captaincy to RL connection problems, and resigned from all government and RPG positions until the end of Spurlin's term. Many people supported McCullick, and said that Spurlin should have spoken to him before replacing him. Others sided with Spurlin, saying that while his methodology needed work, replacing McCullick was the right thing to do. In actuallity, Spurlin acted properly across the board. It has been said that Spurlin should not have replaced McCullick at all. But the ship was dying, especially as its XO is also on an extended LOA and may not return to STF at all. McCullick had not given any reason for his LOA, nor had he informed anyone directly. It was not his fault that he made such an abrupt exit, but that doesn't change the fact that it left the AA in a very bad situation. He needed to be replaced. It has also been said that Spurlin should have contacted McCullick before replacing him, to go over his intentions. But McCullick was at that point AWOL. He was out of contact, and Spurlin couldn't contact him. McCullick also has a history of loosing contact with STF suddenly for long periods of time. While most of them are the result of computer failure, personal problems, and freak auto accidents, the fact remains that previous McCullick absences have stretched into months. Had Spurlin left the Angel CO-less for months waiting for McCullick to return, that would have been gross negligence. Instead, he did the only thing he could do; he gave the ship a new CO and told it to carry on. In particular, he gave the job to Greg Hertzsch, who has served STF for years in many capacities, and has over a year's experience as a CO, without any significant breaks (save for the normal vacation LOA and the like). His presence should help to bring the Angel back to life.
Spurlin's decision was certainly not an easy one. It has made him at least one enemy in the form of Randy McCullick, who is attemting to start a revolt of sorts against Spurlin, even resorting to derogatory nicknames and IRC nicks. Others, while not as flagrantly anti-Spurlin as McCullick, have expressed mild displeasure with Spurlin's actions. While a more complete public statement of his reasons may have been a good idea, it was not required. Spurlin's actions were both necessary and appropriate.
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WeBBsights
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| Issue #28 - THE STARFLEET NEWS NETWORK - 21 Ag ’99 | |||||||
| “To boldly commission ships where no ship had reason to be commissioned before (hi, Fleet One!)”
WeBBsights welcomes any and all comments and criticisms from its readers -- yes, both of you
Direct any messages to the Editors
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© 1999
Zygweebil Mufasa Productions -- distributed by The Starfleet News Network
BE SURE TO VISIT The WeBBsights Index FOR BACK ISSUES
The WeBBsights management will not be held responsible if any of the above information is true.
No Visigoth-class ships were commissioned during the making of this newspaper.
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