STF

Questions for the Candidates - I'm a ... not a cat

Posted March 6, 2021, 11:45 p.m. by Fleet Captain Matt Evans (Presidential Candidate) (Matt Evans)

Posted by Captain Jennifer Ward (Presidential Candidate) in Questions for the Candidates - I’m a … not a cat

Posted by Vice Admiral Daniel Lerner (Presidential Candidate) in Questions for the Candidates - I’m a … not a cat

Posted by Russell Watt in Questions for the Candidates - I’m a … not a cat
Good morning from beautiful Aussie land,

I refer to the I’m a lawyer not a cat zoom meeting that hit international news channels and social media platforms such as Youtube earlier this year, for reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGOofzZOyl8 if you are unaware of it, or need a refresher. I have a series of questions. Please keep answers to each one no more than 30 words … I don’t want to read essays, thanks :)

1) To all candidates: You’ve turned up to an important STF meeting with your colleagues in cabinet and you’ve decided to do it via zoom. So there is no confusion, those of you with animal nicknames have had an avatar of your animal appear on the screen instead of your human self and those of you without an animal nickname has a highly stylized stick figure of a person. Unfortunately, your ‘assistant’ has been on your zoom account has have changed your avatar to that of a cat. Without changing the avatar to either your animal avatar or your stylized stick figure, how would you prove to your fellow that you are your fine animal self (and yes, technically humans are animals too) and not in fact a member of the genus Felis?

Assuming we are not talking of the eagle or bumblebee variety of cats, I would point out how amazing fish are. (Wait, that doesn’t solve the problem at all…)

I would proceed to drag my assistant, Jake (with permission), and my partner in crime, Brian, to create an extremely lengthy and quality thread at record speeds

I wouldn’t attempt to prove my identity but instead I would lean into the misunderstanding. How much fun would it be to be an undercover kitty and learn the scoop on how they truly feel. To sidestep any suspicion I would claim to be Dave’s representative to the meeting and use a voice changer to complete the subterfuge.

2) To all tickets: Given the confusion created by the lawyer in the above Youtube Clip, I was shocked to discover that there is no requirement on the joining form for someone to indicate that they are indeed a human and not some other member of one of the current 7 kingdoms recognised in taxonomy. Also, many many years ago, I was Personnel Director, on at least one occasion, an individual claiming to be an alien wanted to join the club. Is your ticket concerned that cats and other species of the animalia kingdom, or indeed the other kingdoms of bacteria, archaea, protoa, chromista, plantae or fungi (Cavalier-Smith et al, 2015) and/or extra-terrestrials may be posing as humans and attempt to join our fine club?

No.

No.

I normally hold an Earth first policy and shun the xeno infiltration of everything sacred to humans. However… I would be a hypocrite to bar entry to the club when I intend on disguising myself as a cat. So I would welcome the various xeno races as that gives me more options to choose from when needing to use a disguise. In this case I welcome all of the Caitians to join us as they are fine fellows!

2a) If so, what will you do to safeguard our club against such an occurrence?
2b) If not, why not?

In the case of Joly v. Pelletier, [1999] O.J. No. 1728 (S.C.J.), it was determined that a Martian is not a “person” and cannot sue anyone in Ontario’s courts (it’s a real case). However, STF isn’t governed by Ontario’s legal rules, so I say, let ‘em all in!.

No because we know from Star Trek that until a species achieves warp it’s better to pretend to be one of them.

Answered above.

2c) If it depends, what does it depend on?

3) To Mr Lerner: Given that the judge could not in fact see that the lawyer was indeed the lawyer his cat persona claimed himself to be, was he actually being truthful when he claimed in response to that ‘lawyer’ saying I’m a lawyer not cat “I cam see that”? Please explain your answer.

What does “see” mean? I could mean seeing something with your eyes. Or a general awareness. The Urq’alias of Elden IV “see” by strange mathematics. And due to a minor programming error of the UT that hasn’t been fixed yet, to “see” for the native species of Gamma Plencon I seems to refer eating their small cake-like delicacies that taste amazing but are incredibly fatal to anyone who isn’t comfortable in climates below -101C.

Or the judge knew that cat filters don’t work on actual cats? :P

4) To Ms Ward: Are you at all concerned that real live aliens may be trying to join the club, but they don’t identify themselves as such? Why/why not? Please explain your answer.

No, I am not because we are here to seek out new life and new civilizations. If they beat us to the punch, I commend them.

Thank you all very much in anticipation of your thoughtful (and brief) answers to my most important questions above.

Russell Watt, Tribble
Public Nuisance of STF since … well years ago

You’re not a cat in disguise, are you Russ?

Daniel

-Jennifer

There was no 5th question directed to me as I only recently entered the race. So instead I wish you a glorious day of cat memes Russ.

Matt


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