STF

STF Zoo - Animal Naming Ceremony

Posted Nov. 24, 2020, 12:41 p.m. by Sharon Miller

Raven: This is a special book.
Kiwi: A book?
Raven: That’s right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I’m gonna read it to you.
Kiwi: Has it got any sports in it?
Raven: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…
Kiwi: Doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake.
Raven: Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

Let us begin…

The night was dark and full of terrors…particularly if you were a small bird and found yourself now wandering along the uneven shores of a great and fathomless loch. Which is precisely where the poor Raven and the Kiwi found themselves at that very moment.
Picking their way slowly along the jagged and rocky path, the ink-black water churning and lapping near their feet like a thousand feral tongues, this curious pair made nervous conversation.

“Be careful,” the Kiwi whispered. “It might be a trap.”
“Why would you think it’s a trap?” the Raven asked, uneasily.
“I always think everything could be a trap…which is why I’m still alive.”

The Raven cawed in response, then flapped a wing to halt their steps. Peering over the edge of the bank and into the impenetrable waters below, she whispered nervously, “Do you…do you think she’s really in there?”
At her side the Kiwi, who was more than done with this nocturnal adventure and longed for nothing more than to return to his home and a nice, bacon roll, scoffed. “Of course she is. Now drop the invitation and let us get out of here before we get eaten!”

And so it was that, as the two birds made their hasty retreat, a single, gilded card would sink to the bottom of the lake, diminishing strands of moonlight catching the ornate letters and illuminating them in brilliant, glowing silver…

“Jennifer. It is finally time. You have been summoned to the Great Hall for a most important ceremony.”

-*-

The next evening found the Raven and the Kiwi once more on a long journey, although this one was far more pleasant. As they approached the Great Hall, a procession of dazzling torchlight lighting their way, a tiny yet hardy being scurried out to meet them.

“Good evening, Brother Roach,” the Raven greeted him. “Is everything ready?”
“Yes,” the Roach nodded, “the animals are all gathered. We are now just awaiting our guest of honour.”
“Do you think she received the invitation?” the Raven turned towards the Kiwi, her beak wrinkling anxiously.
“I know she did,” the Kiwi nodded sagely.

Inside the hall, the excitement was slowly building. For every zoo animal knows what an important and cherished occasion this is - when the talent and the dedication of one of our own is recognised - even if, on occasion, that recognition arrives a few years late. And anyway, there was also the promise of a party, and food, and drinks, and maybe dancing. But before any of that, there was the ceremony.

At the left aisle, the Giraffe was making great use of his elevated viewpoint to usher animals into their seats. At the right aisle, the T-Rex preferred to use a deafening roar to terrify others into theirs. Finally, everyone was seated and not a moment too soon as, from the main door, the Panda called out, “She’s here!”

The Raven and the Kiwi made their way up onto the stage, the Roach deciding to hitch a ride on the Raven’s left wing. Approaching the microphone, she called out:

“My dear zoo members, welcome one and all to this most special occasion. The regular restocking of our zoo has, over the years, developed into a wonderful tradition. And yet there remain those whose promotion to Captain preceded the zoo’s existence and, for them, it may seem that the invitation to join our menagerie has been missed. But it has not been missed, only delayed. And so tonight, we wish to honour that belated invitation, for a fantastic new-old member.

Since her return, Jennifer Ward has settled back into STF as if she never went away at all. Her enthusiasm for the club and its ships is boundless, her talent and creativity in every single one of her posts is exceptional, her characters are legendary and her overall attitude is one that makes every player she interacts with feel like an old and dear friend.”

At this point, the Raven lifted her wing and, from beneath it, the tiny Roach drew out a gigantic, glittering sword.
“Jennifer Ward,” the Kiwi called out, beckoning her onto the stage, “Please come and join us.”

And then, as the sword was placed first on Jennifer’s left shoulder and then on her right, the trio of Raven, Roach and Kiwi, spoke as one:
“Jennifer, for your strength and courage both on the boards and off; for your warmth and generosity to others; for your skill with the written word and your love of fiction and mythology; for your affinity with horses - we hereby christen you - KELPIE.”

And so it was that the infamous STF zoo welcomed another into their midst - a creature of legend, of magic and mystery, such as all great tales are made. And as the crowd drew around the Kelpie to welcome her into the fold, the Raven and the Kiwi made their way off the stage and towards the buffet, the Kiwi remarking to the Raven as they went:

“I mean, I really do think that love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. But I also have to say, for the umpty-umpth time, that life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all…”

THE END

  • Raven (with help from the Kiwi and the Roach)

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