Posted Sept. 11, 2021, 2:40 a.m. by Commander Siadra Enai (Executive Officer) (Silke Fahl)
Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Calloway’s Quarters - A shoulder to lean on? Someone to vent to?
Posted by Commander Siadra Enai (Executive Officer) in Calloway’s Quarters - A shoulder to lean on? Someone to vent to?
Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Calloway’s Quarters - A shoulder to lean on? Someone to vent to?
Posted by… suppressed (6) by the Post Ghost! 👻(snip)
So much to say and so little she wanted to. It was the usual dilemma. She had gone through both flight and fight and now was sitting at freeze. Pale grey-blue eyes gazed down into her glass. “Too much is being asked of me and there’s no way to say no.” Micah’s words in the conference room rolled around in her head and it just made her angrier. She knocked back the liquor easily and poured herself another glass.
Commander Calloway, CIO
Siadra felt the anger rise again in the older woman and took a deep breath before downing the rest of her drink and refilling her glass once more as well. Fixing her eyes on Shara, her gaze intent, almost piercing though in a strange way full of compassion, she simply asked, “Why?”
~Cmdr. Enai, XO
“Because I swore an oath, just like everyone else, and my sense of duty won’t let me. I can walk away, but I’d hate myself for it, but staying means…” She shook her head and met the intense gaze of Enai’s. “I can tell I’m affecting you and I hate myself for it. I’ve lost my composure and that can get myself and others killed. I’m almost useless to you right now because my symptoms are flaring and it’s not going to get better. But… I’m the best damn agent for this mission. I know it. The Gents know it. And Intelligence knows it. So the way I see it, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and just have to suck it up no matter what it costs me.”
Commander Calloway, CIO
She wasn’t usually one to touch people without their explicit permission, but this was one of those moments where that rule went right out the window, so to speak. Letting go of her glass, Siadra placed her hand lightly on top of one of Shara’s hands. “I’m a grown woman and I have been able to sense people’s emotions for most of my life. And I don’t want to say that we are feeling the same way at the moment as our situations - while in some ways similar - are different. But we are both upset and angry. So don’t hate yourself for affecting me. This is not your fault. And yes, I know that is much easier said then done.” She smiled wryly. “There are very few things I currently care about. And whether or not I’m a little angrier in this very moment because my mental shields aren’t as strong as they used to be isn’t one of them. Not right now any way. What I do care about is to make sure that we all make it back in one piece. And not only physically, but mentally as well.” Lifting her glass with her other hand, Siadra took a small sip and then continued, “I know a lot about PTSD and as you probably read in my file: I come with my own trauma and mental health problems. So while I don’t know what exactly you feel like, what it triggers in you and how it affects you, I do have at least a bit of an idea. That means what I want to know is: What can we do to make sure you make it through this okay? Not because it might put the mission and or the crew at risk, but because you matter and I want you to be okay.”
~Cmdr. Enai, XO
Shara shook her head slowly and knocked back her third glass of liquor. It felt good and she was at the point where some thing were lessened and other things came into sharper focus. The sweet spot of drinking. “What I need no one can promise, and we can’t guarantee much of anything. That’s the nature of this kind of work, Commander, and the sooner people get comfortable with that reality, the better. Including me. The possibility of success in our mission has to outweigh the negative consequences, because that’s what devoting yourself to a higher ideal requires. I just… I’ve already given so much much of myself. I naively thought that by asking for a regular duty assignment, I would finally be allowed to keep something for myself, for those I love.”
Commander Calloway, CIO
Giving Shara’s hand a gentle squeeze, Siadra replied, “I understand that. I understand that no one can make any promises about how this will go. I understand that all any of us can do is give our best and then some. But within parameters what can we do to help you? Even with so much out of our control, there are always things we can control. Things that will help us stay grounded and help us to not get lost within our own mind. What are those things for you? And what can I do for you when I see that you’re struggling?” Without moving her gaze from Shara’s, she managed to refill her glass one-handed and then knocked the drink back in one go.
~Cmdr. Enai, XO
She shook her head slowly. “I don’t know. The flashbacks were bad after I returned to Federation space after rescuing my daughter, but they got better after all the therapy and meds and we started tackling my symptoms. We’ve already increased my meds and unless you can make it so I feel safe the entire time, I’m not sure we can avoid triggers. The nightmares I am used to dealing with, but I do worry about getting increasingly exhausted if I’m not sleeping, but I already told Doctor Senek that I’m not comfortable taking sleep aids because of the real need to be fully functioning at a moment’s notice.” Shara eyed her empty glass and though the desire to refill it was rather strong, she set it down and tilted her head back, face to the ceiling and eyes closed. “Micah’s here. The first night we spent together I had a terrible nightmare I couldn’t wake myself from and it suddenly got better. It was him. When he’s around, most things get easier. But now he’s all tied to the thing that is triggering me and it’s… hard.”
Commander Calloway, CIO
Siadra nodded here and there, her eyes never leaving Shara’s face, as she listened intently. Even though she was an empath and could feel what Shara was feeling right now, she’d never fully understand what the other woman was experiencing. But she could listen. Truly listen to understand and validate what she was feeling, what she was sharing with her. “Yes that is hard. Are you worried about how all of this going to affect your relationship with your husband?” she asked gently.
~Cmdr. Enai, XO
Shara dropped her chin and gazed at Siadra intently. “Of course. I’ve known him all of three months,” she said with a laugh. “I’ve been married three weeks. I love that man more than I ever thought I could love another person. But it’s been a really long time since I’ve had a partner in this life. Micah is amazing and he gets it, he gets that Edward was and still is an integral piece of my story. He’s not going away. And he’s willing to share my heart space with a man whose long dead. But this is… a lot. A lot to ask of me, or Micah, of us as a couple. We’ve worked together before, yes, but this is vastly different than before. I guess. The stakes are just as high but…” She was rambling but in a way it felt good. Was being nonsensical some sort of release? It was probably the alcohol. “I’m angry, Siadra. At him, for not warning me, at that damn Admiral for thinking this was a fabulous idea for this ship, at myself for not being able to stand up for myself. I mean I just… sat there. And I’m angry at myself because I know I can’t walk away. My sense of duty and honour is too strong and I can’t leave you all to face this. You need me and I hate that too.” She was glad the glass was no longer in her hand as there was a high probability it would have ended up in pieces below the wall.
Commander Calloway, Drunk and Pissed off CIO
“And you have every right to be angry. I’m angry too and I know other’s are as well. And I, too, feel bound by my sense of duty to stay here. Not that that changes anything or makes it easier. But speaking for myself: It helps a little knowing that I’m not the only one feeling this way,” Siadra replied grimly. Turning her gaze away from Shara for a brief moment, she refilled her glass again and took a small sip. She rarely had more than a glass of wine or two. And even that didn’t happen often. So she was sure that she was going to regret this in the morning, but right now she just didn’t care. Lowering her glass onto her lap, she added, “I guess the first thing we both have to answer is: What are we going to do with that anger?”
~Cmdr. Enai, XO
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