Posted Sept. 17, 2021, 4:04 p.m. by Lieutenant Commander Si'Rek (Chief Operations Officer) (James Sinclair)
Posted by Commander Siadra Enai (Executive Officer) in Side Sim - Questions and Concerns
Posted by Lieutenant Commander Si’Rek (Chief Operations Officer) in Side Sim - Questions and Concerns
Posted by Commander Siadra Enai (Executive Officer) in Side Sim - Questions and Concerns
Posted by… suppressed (8) by the Post Ghost! 👻
Siadra shook her head. “I know we are doing this for the greater good. Which is why I can’t walk away. But we are still lying or pretending anyways. We aren’t really going to be missing. We will just make people believe that we are. And then pretend to be completely different people while the rest of us pretend to be criminals, mutineers. It feels like lying to me and it makes me sick to the stomach.” Clenching the glass in her hand as hard as she could, she dropped her gaze and whispered, “Everything about this makes me feel like I’m a horrible officer. A horrible mother. A horrible person. And no matter what I decide, I’ll still feel that way.”
Si’Rek looked at Siadra and took a breath. “Except if we are caught by Star Fleet during this mission… we really will go to prison. Or at least lose everything we have worked for. The records, as far as the Federation knows, will be genuine. At least… thats what the agents said. So I would have to assume the penalties would be the same. And we really will be missing… it’s just intentional, not accidental.” He fixed her with a stare.
For a moment Siadra held his gaze. But when she nodded, she looked down and fixed her eyes on her lap.
“But if nothing you decide will change how you feel, then you should leave. If staying or going won’t make you feel any different, then you should take your child and go. If no decision you make makes a difference to you, then you should assume the least amount of risk for you and your daughter. The logic is straightforward, and you know it Siadra. You should go. No sense risking everything for no change… right?”
Siadra felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. Without even noticing it, her hand unclenched and the glass slipped from her fingers. Her head started to spin and she pushed herself to her feet. Stumbling backwards, she tried to put some distance between herself and Si’Rek. Leave his quarters even. But all she manged to do was trip over her own feet and land on her behind on the floor of his quarters.
Si’Rek was on his feet and by her side in a moment. “Easy… easy… I’ve got you.” he said as he knelt down and put his arms under her and lifted her off the floor. He carried her over and laid her on the bed. “Easy, Siadra… easy… breathe… just breathe for a moment… did you know Kialeni got panic attacks? She did… first time really caught me off guard. But she managed them really well… but even the most robust will succumb when the pressure is just too much. Just like the hull of a ship. Oh, it will take a beating… but too much all at once? She’ll pop open faster than a corset on a Rigelian burlesque dancer.” and he looked at her and smiled slightly. The mere thought of Si’Rek at a burlesque show would bring tears of laughter to anyone who knew the polite and fastidious Engineer.
At first Siadra tried to struggle, but she quickly gave up and let Si’Rek carry her to the bed. The moment he put her down, she sat up and hugged her knees as tightly to her chest she could. To hold herself together and also to protect herself. Her ears were ringing and she felt suddenly numb. Of course she knew that Leni got panic attacks sometimes and that she had been able to handle them very well. How could she not know? They had been married after all! Part of her was angry with Si’Rek. For asking that question and for what he had said before. At the same time his words had hit home. Amplified the negative opinion she had of herself and the emotions that came with it. Shame and guilty mostly. But also fear. And then there was this tiny, barely audible voice inside her head that whispered that he was only trying to help. Among all that his comment about the burlesque dancer hadn’t even registered. Instead she was rocking slightly backwards and forwards while she tried to calm down and find her voice again.
Si’rek sat with her in silence… just as he had that time with Kialeni inside the Jeffries Tube for over three hours. He didn’t touch her, didn’t try to force her to relax… he just let her be. Let her ride through the turmoil until her inner sea of emotions and thought stopped roiling and tossing her ship of self about and she could find her footing again.
After a very long time tears started to roll silently down her cheeks and it was several long minutes later that Siadra finally spoke. “I can’t leave Si’Rek, even though it probably would be the best choice with regard to Liara. But I swore an oath and everyone on board is counting on me. What kind of role model would I be for my daughter if I just up and left? That leaves me with two choices. Both make me feel anxious and so sick to the stomach. I wish so much that Leni was here and we could find a solution together,” she whispered, her voice quivering and barely audible while her gaze was fixed on the covers of his bed.
Si’Rek let her cry for some time before gently taking her chin in his blue-green-gray fingers and lifting her head up to face him. “I know you do… but she isn’t. And you cannot let your past determine your present anymore, Siadra. The time for overwhelming sadness is over, I’m afraid. You are correct… you swore an oath. And you are correct that you are role model for your daughter. But you simply must stop thinking in such limited terms. You are now the role model for this entire ship. You are the one we will all look to if something happens to the Captain. You are the one we have to rely on. I know you hurt, sweet one… I know. But you do not have the luxury to let that pain direct all you do anymore. You cannot get lost in your grief and push everything and everyone away again. You do not get to sit and think and wax sadly for a lost love. You don’t get to spend hours getting drunk and feeling anxious. Because if you do that? That is what this crew will see and do. I did not expect this talk to go this way, honestly.... but I care for you, Siadra. Deeply. And I want you to be the best you that you can be. For you and for little tor’qe. And right now? Right now you have a job to do and that job must be done. And it must be done with confidence and resolve. And if you don’t have that… then you need to find it. I know it is there inside you. I know because I have seen it. Now it is imperative you see it again, too. Otherwise…” and his voice trailed off.
“Otherwise I’ll get myself and possibly everybody else killed. I know,” Siadra finished his sentence softly. It was only then that she turned her head around. Though she had already averted her eyes after the first few words he Si’Rek had said. Slipping off the bed, she began to pace. Slowly though as she wasn’t as steady on her legs as she liked. “I know all that Si’Rek. I’m not stupid. And it’s not like I enjoy being sad. Even if it seems otherwise,” she said with a hint of frustration in her voice. “I had been doing better, you know. I have worked through my grief. And sometimes everything still gets too much anyways. Right now is one of those moments. And yes, I know, drinking wasn’t a smart choice. I know I have to do better from now on,” she continued and then added in her mind, ‘I just don’t know if that will be enough.’
“Not from now on, Siadra… you just have to do better period. For you.” He watched her pace, and while his face showed concern, there was a tinge of reprimand in his voice. “You have to do better for you, Siadra… because you don’t deserve the pain you feel. You are a wonderful woman and a more than capable officer. I think it’s time you let those qualities steer you… to let us see that at the fore.” Si’Rek stood up and looked down at her. “Its time to be the Commander, Commander.” and he nodded once at her.
Even though she could not only see the concern on his face, but also feel it, Siadra still flinched slightly at his words and the tone of his voice. But she didn’t say anything.
“Do you know what I first felt when you stepped off that shuttle on that planet we were trapped on? Do you?”
“Of course I do,” Siadra replied as she stopped, turned around to look straight at Si’Rek and leaned against the wall, arms crossed in front of her chest. “The perks of being half-Betazoid. And I know you, so it was easy to separate your emotions from those of the others.” The hint of a smile started to tug at the corners of her lips and eyes as she continued, “If I remember correctly, I sensed worry, compassion and affection from you in that moment.”
Si’Rek nodded. “Yes… and all of those things added up to relief. I saw you, and I immediately knew it was going to be alright. That, Siadra… that is what this ship needs from you. The security of knowing that ‘The XO is here. It’s going to be okay.’ And they can’t have that if you are walking through the ship in an emotional crisis… correct?”
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