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Calloway's Quarters - A shoulder to lean on? Someone to vent to?

Posted Sept. 22, 2021, 11:40 a.m. by Commander Siadra Enai (Executive Officer) (Silke Fahl)

Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Calloway’s Quarters - A shoulder to lean on? Someone to vent to?

Posted by Commander Siadra Enai (Executive Officer) in Calloway’s Quarters - A shoulder to lean on? Someone to vent to?

Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Calloway’s Quarters - A shoulder to lean on? Someone to vent to?
Posted by… suppressed (3) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“And you have every right to be angry. I’m angry too and I know other’s are as well. And I, too, feel bound by my sense of duty to stay here. Not that that changes anything or makes it easier. But speaking for myself: It helps a little knowing that I’m not the only one feeling this way,” Siadra replied grimly. Turning her gaze away from Shara for a brief moment, she refilled her glass again and took a small sip. She rarely had more than a glass of wine or two. And even that didn’t happen often. So she was sure that she was going to regret this in the morning, but right now she just didn’t care. Lowering her glass onto her lap, she added, “I guess the first thing we both have to answer is: What are we going to do with that anger?”

~Cmdr. Enai, XO

“Stuff it down somewhere deep so I can keep a clear head. Micah’s here, so that probably won’t work entirely, but I’m sixty-five years old Sidara. I’m not some young rookie who doesn’t know better. And the work I’ve done before? There are exactly two people on this ship currently who even have a clue. I know this whole shtick. I’ve done more difficult missions. I can’t speak for others, but tucking the emotions away and compartmentalizing is the only way that I can maintain a sense of objectivity. It’s the only way I did it with my daughter, and yes, it means I can seem cold and heartless. But better that than falling to pieces at a terrible time.” But those where the things she could control. The rest? Shara had no idea.

~Commander Calloway, CIO

Siadra nodded thoughtfully and silently. She wanted to say something. Felt like she should say something. But she didn’t know what. It was almost as if her mind had gone blank. Or maybe she was just to wrapped up in her own concerns and worries, her own emotions to say and do what she should; both as a First Officer and a trained psychologist with years of experience. So she remained silent, lost in her own mind, while staring at the glass in her hand.

~Cmdr. Enai, XO

As the silence filled the room, Shara thought back to the meeting, to these people who she was entrusting her life with. It had been a long time, and back then they had been on this seemingly impossible journey to get home. They were all they had. It was no less true now. The people who chose to stay on this ship had mettle, maybe more they didn’t even know, and Shara was determined to make the best of this, even as she struggled with the immense weight of her previous trauma rearing its ugly head. :Did it make sense? What I said in the meeting. I didn’t want to seem like I was preaching or something, but I was hoping to make it all make sense, and maybe give people a reason why their presence is necessary, why yours is necessary, Siadra. We all don’t know each other. We have no reason to trust each other other than we all swore the same oath to Starfleet. All I can say is I’m a rebel who was once deemed guilty of treason. If I can find my way in this organization and keep the reasons why I stay clear as we do this insane mission, I have to believe you all can too.”

~Shara Calloway, CIO

“I think so,” Siadra nodded and then turned her head to look at Shara. “At least it made sense to me. So hopefully it did to the others as well.” While still looking at Shara, she fell silent again for a few moments. “That’s my problem, though. Between knowing that I’m needed here and the oath I swore I can’t leave. If it was just me I had to think about, I would probably still be worried, but I wouldn’t be so afraid. I would be worried that maybe not everyone makes it back. That maybe none of us will. But I’m also a mother. And yes, I know I made the decision to serve on a starship and have my daughter here with me. That is solely on me. And till now that has never really been a problem. Sure, we have been in dangerous situations more than once while I was on the Four Winds, but that felt different.” She sighed softly and shook her head. “I can only see two options right now and both make me feel like a terrible mother. Either I keep Liara here and risk her life. Or I send her to her grandparents where she will learn that I’m a criminal or that I died. And even if we come back and our records are cleared … it would take a long time for her to recover from that trauma. Though of course staying here with me leaves her at risk for trauma as well.” Dropping her gaze, she finished, “It’s been six years and I still miss my wife every day. And right now I wish even more that she was still here and we could handle this together…”

~Cmdr. Enai, XO

Shara nodded slowly. She understood all too well, sadly. Drunk as she was, her mind still felt clear to her and she was grateful she wasn’t drinking moonshine this time. “Look, I get it. It’s been twenty-six years since the Dominion killed my husband and twenty-three since I learned about his fate. It destroyed me for a little while, so I’m not going to say what I’m gonna lightly. Of course you want to keep your daughter safe. Of course you fear something happening to her. And it’s harder without your spouse there, but, and you might hate me for this, Liara isn’t more safe elsewhere than she is here. Is there danger present here more overtly? Sure. But your daughter could trip and fall while playing and get a serious head injury. She could be playing outside in a forest and run through some poisonous bushes. Your job Siadra isn’t to wrap her in a bubble and protect her form life. Your job is to demonstrate through your own actions how to stay within your integrity. And what do you want her to see? A mother who is so distraught between two choices she really doesn’t have to make that she is an ineffective leader and possibly puts others in jeopardy? Or do you want her to see a strong woman who has to make sometimes really difficult choices under less than ideal circumstances, is willing to face whatever consequences come her way, and faces it all not with lightness but trust in herself and those she’s with. Because, I gotta be honest here, if you are going to wages this internal war every time the red alert goes on this battleship, then you might a well retire your pips and uniform and go settle somewhere quiet. But I trust my gut about you ad I know that wouldn’t make you happy, and it wouldn’t make Liara happy to see you give up like that. Kids damn well see more than we ever give them credit for, so.. something to keep in mind.”

~Commander Calloway, CIO

Turning her head to look at Shara again, Siadra nodded slightly here and there. “I’m not going to hate you for pointing out the truth and reminding me of something I already know,” she replied. “That’s not who I am. And you are right, I don’t think I’d be happy settling down on some planet. Not in the foreseeable future anyway.” She sighed softly and then continued, “I know I can’t and shouldn’t wrap her in bubble wrap and protect her from everything. And I know that life is dangerous. Period. I also know I can be over-protective when I am struggling. And this mission … it caught me by surprise and triggered me. I don’t want her to see me like this.” She gestured at herself with the hand that was still holding the glass. “I want to be a positiv role model for her so that she grows up to be a strong, smart and courageous woman. Someone who trusts and loves themself and isn’t afraid to ask for help or show her vulnerability around people she feels safe with. And I know I’m a mess right now and am the opposite of who I need to be. And I know I’m worrying too much and that I should just get a grip on myself. And I will. I just need a little time to process everything. And no, I won’t be like this every time we go to red alert. I’m usually highly focused in those situations and don’t worry about Liara. But I also knew that she was with other people, people who could protect her if need be when we went to red alert or when I was on an away mission or something. And of course I know this crew will take care of her as well if, when I can’t. I just need to get to know everyone better to feel more at ease. And what’s more she needs to get to know the crew and feel more at ease again as well.”

~Cmdr. Enai, XO


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