Posted Jan. 27, 2021, 12:50 p.m. by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) (Lindsay B)
Posted by Lieutenant Kiama Naim (Chief Science Officer) in Side Sim: Friends and good food -what else does one need?
Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Side Sim: Friends and good food -what else does one need?
Posted by Lieutenant Kiama Naim (Chief Science Officer) in Side Sim: Friends and good food -what else does one need?
(snip)
“The curry should take about the same time, maybe a few minutes longer. But that shouldn’t be a problem, I think,” Kiama nodded and then fell silent again, getting lost in her thoughts once again.
Looking up and turning slightly to face Faye, Kiama suddenly said, “You know, I thought about leaving as well. I’m really glad I didn’t, but … I know it’s silly. When the Captain told me that there was going to be a new Chief Science Officer … it really hurt and made me doubt myself so much. It felt like I wasn’t good enough. I know that there was no malicious intent or anything and that it had nothing to do with me or at least not with my capabilities as a scientist. I think I already told you that day, but I could hear my mother’s voice so clearly in my head telling me ‘I told you so’ and ‘You never should have left Betazed and your family’.” Her brows pulled together, she looked straight at Faye, but her gaze seemed unfocused. As if she wasn’t actually seeing her surroundings or Faye. “I only stayed because I didn’t want to let any of you down and because I’m too proud and too stubborn to give up. No matter how miserable I am.” Shaking her head and blinking a few times, she added, “And I’m glad about it. It all turned out okay and I even got my old position back; including a very surprising promotion. Not to mention and more importantly, we got to know each other even better. Yet at the same time I still have moments where I wonder how quickly I might be replaced again. It’s silly and my stupid insecurity talking. I know that.” With a soft sigh Kiama shook her head again and added, “I’m sorry. I’m being a silly, emotional idiot. I didn’t mean to complain and drag the mood down. It was such a small and silly incident compared to everything else that has happened.”
~Lt. Naim, CSO
Faye stepped closer and tilted her head slightly so she could look directly at Kiama. “Hey, I had to fire a phaser at the captain, first officer and my mother, pretend to be a fugitive and spend two days in the brig after having been a prisoner for nine months before. You’ll get no judgment from me for being emotional, and it doesn’t make it any less impactful on you.” this time she was glad for Kiama’s abilities, because then she knew her friend would know she was being sincere.
~Faye Calloway
Even though she could clearly sense Faye’s sincerity, Kiama found herself unable not to be hard on herself. Of course she knew that because things were worse for someone else, that didn’t mean one’s own experience and feelings weren’t valid or inaccurate. Yet still here she was, feeling like that was exactly the case. With her brows pulled together, she looked back at Faye and said softly, “See, but that’s exactly how I feel. There are things like the occupation, my grandmother’s death when she fought off the Jem’Hadar with many other adults and my parents behaviour; especially since then that haven’t been easy and shaped me. Yet at the same time I grew up with a ridiculous amount of privileges. With the exception of the occupation I’ve always been safe and probably fairly sheltered. Which is probably exactly why such a silly little thing impacted me that much.” Tension was almost radiating from her and Kiama felt tears of anger well up in her eyes. “I’m so angry and annoyed with myself.” She was still looking straight at Faye while stirring the curry a little. As good as it felt to have her feeling validated by her friend, a part of her wished that Faye would tell her to just get a grip on herself, that she had nothing to complain about.
~Lt. Naim, CSO
“Oh, Kiama, I don’t quite think you know who you’re talking to here. I’m the queen of screwups and bad choices. And part of the time I can blame trauma, part of the time I can blame a mental disorder that makes normal interactions with people so damn complicated. The rest of the time I’m just a collections of sad story with often low-self-esteem. And at any given time one of those is playing a role. And while all of that is starting to get better, don’t take that shiny medal I got as some sort of sign that I’ve got things together, because I really don’t. So, I can empathize with being angry and annoyed at oneself. There’s plenty of anger to go around.”
Faye reached out to slightly lift the lid on the rice to check how close it was, but there was still water bubbling away gently above the rice, so she simply set the lid down. “I can distract you with my own stupidity, if you like? Guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself,” Faye said with a knowing nod.
~Faye Calloway
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