STF

Deck 4 Garden- Sowing Seeds

Posted Feb. 20, 2021, 2:06 p.m. by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) (Lindsay Bayes)

Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Deck 4 Garden- Sowing Seeds

Posted by Lieutenant Luke Wyatt (Chief of Security) in Deck 4 Garden- Sowing Seeds

Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Deck 4 Garden- Sowing Seeds
Posted by… suppressed (4) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Looking up, Faye steadied her breath so she could keep everything calm. She had expected to see him sooner rather than later, but still she wasn’t prepared. Mostly because she didn’t know what to say exactly. Sorry, I think you’re a lovely person but I’m too messed up for you to be around right now? Well, actually that wasn’t too far off the mark and might actually work. “Hey,” she said, sitting back on her heels.

Most of what she was thinking, at least her emotions were written in her expressions and how she was having to calm her breathing. He sat down next to her, his legs crossed and smiling. The smile mostly fake, it seemed he wasn’t the only person fighting their inner demons it was as if the previous few weeks hadn’t happened and they were back to square one. Damn you Cochrane!

She was back in cargo pants, but was sporting a black t-shirt that said: I garden so I don’t choke people | Save a Life |Send Mulch and had leaves around the text. Her hair was pulled back in her usual tidy french braid. “I’m just transplanting some seedlings. You can help with that? It’s pretty easy. One plant every fifteen centimetres or so and dig the hole only as deep as the plant cell you’re pulling the plant from. These particular flowers only get planted to the soil line.”

~Faye Calloway

“Sure, sounds simple enough,” He said noting the words on t-shirt. Were the beds deep enough to hide a body he thought knowing what he came here to talk about. He hadn’t realised how much he thought Cochrane was wrong until that moment. For now, though Luke pushed up and tucked his legs under him until he was kneeling over the flower bed. He began digging the holes to plant. It was easy, he’d had plenty of practice since their last chat. A silence hung between them.

At least for a moment Faye was content to pull soil away enough to tuck the little plants in and press soil around them securely.

“I spoke to Cochrane,” He said all most in a whisper not looking to her. “He things were bad for each other, probably even toxic” he dug another hole. “He thinks I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself for wanting to spend time with you and that I am falling in love with you, he thinks that whatever I do is for me and that I have zero interest in protecting you.” He stabbed another finger into the dirt. “He’s wrong.”

  • Luke Wyatt

An audible exhale sounded from Faye as she continued planting. But her movements did slow and given what she had said about her mind working in multiple directions at once, it wasn’t a stretch to think she was trying to figure out how to reply. “What do you think the truth is?” was her eventual answer. Establishing where he was at would be the most useful place to star with all of this.

~Faye Calloway

“I think he’s right, I am selfish and arrogant but not for the reasons he thinks. We could end up being the worst thing to have ever happened to either of us but no relationship is without risk even just being friends.” He made another hole and planted another cell. “I will regret not knowing what could have been, I’d rather fail and bow out like an adult if things weren’t working but denying us the opportunity to try and to be happy is something I don’t wan’t to do. I see the beauty and the ugly in you, that’s what they don’t understand its not just the good that makes me want to try desperately hard to be with you but the bad too because God knows you deserve someone to acknowledge the ugly and to love you just the same instead of trying to always fix you, you think you’re broken they think your broken I think you have flaws and they’re beautiful. I don’t love you, but I know I could and were both mature enough to know what could happen, I’m not an idiot.” He sighed sitting back on his legs. “It just seems everyone so intent on fixing and protecting you they’re denying you the actual happiness you deserve.”

  • Luke Wyatt

Of all the things he could have said, that had never crossed her mind. Well, the taking risks part, sure, but the rest? Faye’s mouth dropped openly slightly and she dropped her trowel into the hole she was digging. Eyes wide, she stared at him in disbelief. “Oh Luke!” She shook her head. “No.”

Luke knew he had said the wrong things but they were the truth. If anything between them he didn’t want to lie . He sighed and looked over to her.

Forcing herself to breathe, Faye was shaking slightly. “I thought you understood, because of your PTSD. But… wow. No one is trying to fix me, Luke, because no one can. It’s not up to them. I don’t need to be fixed, but I have some very difficult work in front of me and I need my wits about me to deal with it. Don’t you get it? Your first clue about all of this should have been that night I was drinking! I hate this about myself, but whether we like it or not, I was using alcohol that night to numb the pain and I am using you the same way. I said the other day that I’m afraid you, that you’re dangerous to me. But I didn’t realize just how true those words were until now,” she said, tears welling in her eyes and slipping down her cheeks. “I’m sorry I’ve done this to you, that I made you in anyway believe there was happiness on the table. Because there isn’t. There can’t be, because I don’t know what happiness is yet. I’m working towards it, but I can’t find in another person. BPD is dangerous, Luke! And that danger is to me, far more than other people. But I can do all sorts of damage while I’m punishing myself for things I can’t control in the guise of being my own person and doing it my way.” Her stomach twisted hard and that sensation of wanting to throw up returned. Faye rose to her feet.

“You haven’t done anything to me.” He stood up meeting her movement but didn’t advance. “I saw and understood your pain. I wasn’t blind to your problems with alcohol, the way you try and deal with emotions differently but I choose to treat you like a normal person” he turned away trying to think of the words to say. She was was to flee he knew it, but he didn’t have anything to say tk make her stay, and he didn’t want to either it would be her decision not his.

Faye started a him in moment and just shook her head. He didn’t get it. And she had desperately wished he had.

“I have to go. I had hoped we could at least be friends, but I really don’t think that’s a good idea right now. I think we’d cause each other too much pain. And you might be willing to take that risk, but I’m not. Because I’ve been in pain most of life Luke, and I can’t handle any more right now. It would quite seriously kill me. And if you in any way actually care about me, you would take that equally seriously.” She took a step back from her plot, her vision blurred.

~Faye Calloway

“So push away one of the things that could help? I had hoped, I thought” he turned back around holding up his hands. “I could have been happy as friends, I could have been happy with whatever we were doing before but people love to step on the little guy the unknown entity. You’ve been hurt for so long that I’m not even sure you want to feel something, maybe the way you’ve been doing things isnt the only way of doing things.” He shook his head, “You don’t need to go, I just wanted to tell you how I felt before I leave, you haven’t hurt me you never were going to hurt me, but you’re hurting yourself and I wanted to try and help you, see you for who you are but clearly you don’t need me.” He turned and stepped away.

She wanted to tell him, remind him that she said right now. A part of her hoped that maybe later she’d be able to approach everything, especially the concept of romance, a little bit better and more clearly. But it wasn’t right now. It couldn’t be. But he dismissed everything she had just told him she needed and that left little room for anything. His words had cut cleanly through her that it wasn’t until several moments later that she felt them dig in deeper. It was like being stabbed but not knowing it had happened until well after the fact.

“You can tell Cochrane he was right after all.” He stepped away, knocking over a shovel which had been left leaning against the wall. It was time he started looking out for himself, she wasn’t the only one hurting.

  • Luke Wyatt

As his foot connected with the shovel and the sound rang through the air, Faye visibly startled. She waited till the sound of his retreating footsteps had dissipated before a falling sensation swept over her. The ground rose up to meet her and her knees sank into the bark pathway between the plots. White noise surrounded her head and she pulled herself forward, her body moving slowly, as if through water. Picking up her trowel, she pulled the soil back again and tucked in one of the plants into the hole, pressed it in gently before backfilling and securing the soil around the soil line. Then she dug another hole fifteen centimetres over and did it again. Rinse and repeat. She continued this for some time, though Faye wouldn’t know how long exactly.

~Faye Calloway

After checking on a couple of details, Shara sought out Faye hoping to discuss the idea of an emotional support animal. The idea of a cat seemed so perfect and though it would take a bit longer to do it Cochrane’s way, she saw the benefits in making it official. She was also glad her and the captain were on the same page. Entering the garden, she once again marvelled at the design and the instant relaxed atmosphere present. Though Faye could be anywhere in the space, it made sense to try her plot or the greenhouse first.

As she came around the corner and spotted Faye working in her space, Shara immediately could see something was wrong. It was the smooth but dreadfully slow movements that spoke volumes and made Shara pick up her pace. Running up to her was a bad idea and she didn’t want to startle her, but she knew she’d need to intervene if her suspicion proved true. “Faye?” she called out as she approached.

Though Faye looked up at her, Shara couldn’t get her to meet her gaze, and her daughter’s eyes darted all over the place. Shara exhaled audibly. It depended on the instigating thing as to how best to approach a episode of dissociation, and since Shara wasn’t sure what prompted it, she erred on the side of caution. reaching out, she gently tapped Faye’s elbow. “Hey, so I had this idea I thought we could talk about, but maybe we could go someone where first?”

Faye nodded a little, though it was still very slow.

“Come on. The plants will be okay. I’ll go tuck away the rest away in the greenhouse and we can finish planting them later.” No response, but also not a no. Uncertain but with an idea in mind, Shara gently took the trowel out of Faye’s hand (it wasn’t hard) and took it and that tray of seedlings back to the greenhouse. When she returned to Faye, her daughter was still knelt on the ground and though she had to instigate the motion by pulling up on her arms, she was able to get Faye to come with her. “It’ll be okay,” she said softly. “I have you.”

Shara led her out of the garden, strolling slowly is they were just out for a friendly meander.

~Shara Calloway


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