Faye's Quarters - You've Got Mail

Posted March 3, 2021, 11:14 a.m. by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) (Lindsay Bayes)

Posted by James Sinclair in Faye’s Quarters - You’ve Got Mail

Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Faye’s Quarters - You’ve Got Mail


For several minutes Faye sat in front of the computer and stared at the screen, her memory imposing that smiling face over the now blank screen. Tears slipped down her face and as she brushed them away in frustration, Faye rested her head in her arms on the desk. She stayed like that until the feelings had passed, sitting with them. They were mixed, to be sure, and certainly she held more tightly to the happy ones. But could she ever pull those threads out from the rest? It wasn’t his fault he was who he was. And somehow, even as the thought crept into her mind, Faye knew he’d understand and not hold it against her. And that almost made it worse.

It was days later when she finally checked on the shipments and the mushroom house (now in construction). Faye waited till she was alone, and once again wept. She had long ago thought she had cried all the tears and that there had been no more left. How wrong she was!

Back in her quarters, she sat down and typed out a message, not trusting herself to send a video or even audio message.

||Hey Dag,
The mushroom house is being constructed as we speak now that I got to the top of the industrial replicator queue. The crate arrived safely and I’m taking good care of it until it’s time to plant it. Thank you. You have no idea how much any of this means to me. Or maybe you do. You did seem particular insightful during our chats, so I suspect you understand more than you let on.

Right now is… difficult. I’m going through something I’m not even sure I fully have words for. My instinct is not to tell you this part, because the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings. But recently someone all but accused me of bulldozing through people’s lives without caring about the effect. But it’s not true! I never, ever mean to harm someone unless I’m throwing a punch and want to harm them. It’s so hard to explain but years ago after a particularly dark time in my life I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. For some people that diagnoses would have been devastating, but for me, after all I’ve been through it felt like someone turned on a light. That I had been suffering and miserable for so long that I assumed it was just me. I was a terrible person and deserved it all. Some days, on the hard days, I still think that. But the rest of me knows it’s not true, knows that I just don’t always react the way people think I should, and that in my desperation to keep people close, or keep them away (depending on the day sometimes it’s the same person!) I do and say things I regret. Maybe not immediately, but later for sure.

I have so many regrets that I feel some days that’s all that there is after all these years.

I don’t tell you this to gather pity or even sympathy, I tell you this because I think you see me as I am, even though you don’t know all the broken bits and sad stories. I’ve been recently learning to tell people these stories because I never felt it was okay to. People knew surface details, like my parents had been Maquis, but never what they meant, never what that reality meant. And never how it made me feel.

The thing I haven’t wanted to admit since the day I boarded the Manhattan is that you remind me of someone. Someone I want to forget. Not because they were terrible to me and caused so much pain as others have, but because they were good and kind amidst a terrible situation. A situation they created. And so I am torn. Do I hate him? I don’t know. I should. But I can’t. And I hate myself for that. And if you remind me of him, then what? Like I said, I don’t want this to cause you pain, but that seems to be what I’m doing a lot of these days. So I’m sorry if that admission causes you pain. You are so good. So good to me. And I want to be able to accept all of this from you openly and freely. I’m trying, Dag, I really am. I hope you can believe me that much. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying. I am trying so hard.

I don’t know what I will find exactly when I go into that mushroom house, but somehow I know to expect something amazing. So, in advance, thank you.

I don’t know what you are to me, but you are important. I know that much. So if it’s not too much, if all I’m laying down in front of you isn’t too much, then… keep going. Keep sending me messages. Keep trying to be whatever it is we might be. I don’t know what I can offer, or what I’m ready to accept but I think if we both keep trying we’ll figure it out. Maybe. Or maybe I’m in denial. Haha! Anything is possible these days.


She didn’t re-read the letter. She didn’t dare. Because then she’d edit it and filter it and it would not be open and honest. And if there was one thing Faye understood, it was that he deserved no less from her. It was a lot to ask, from her perspective, and a part of her felt terrible for even asking it. But until he told she was being unreasonable and asking too much, she couldn’t assume it. She needed clarity and somehow, in all of this mess, clarity was wrapped up in one Daggum Hammor. She only hoped that should she finally find that precious clarity that it didn’t destroy both of them.

Sending the letter, Faye grabbed the poetry book Alex has gifted her and curled up on her couch with a blanket.

~Faye Calloway

It was almost, but not quite, a week later when a message arrived in her correspondence. It was from Daggum, and it was sent just a few days after her last was recieved.

=/\= Hey Faye… =/\= he began and smiled.

=/\= I got your message. And yeah… it was a lot to unpack, for sure. But none of it was bad. I don’t want you to think it was ‘too much’ or anything. But I think there are some things you may want to hear from me; maybe just so that it eases some of your worry.

First.. I wanted to say thank you for telling me where you are at. I appreciate it… more than you know, probably… how much your trust means to me. And the fact that you can share that with me speaks volumes… at least it does to me. And I am glad your diagnosis gave you some… well… explanation… or justification… or whatever it was that you needed from it. And we all say things we regret. So you do it more often than others… it just makes up part of who you are. And if you ever say something to me that you later regret, please… please please please remember this:

No matter what… you can always talk to me. Sure, I may get upset… but I will get over it. That is a promise. Okay? Remember that. =/\= and he took a deep breath and smiled.

=/\= Now then… about this person I remind you of. =/\= and the smile faded noticeably. =/\= Faye… I never want to cause you pain. Not ever. I’m sorry I remind you of him, and I can tell that that fact has given you a lot of conflict. All I can say is this: I’m not him. I never will be. I can only be me. But if me being me hurts you, makes you remember things you don’t want to… then I don’t know what to do about that. I know in the vids the guy would say something like =/\= and his tone switched to overly dramatic stereotypical vid-star, =/\= “Just tell me its too much and I shall leave you forever!!”, =/\= and he chuckled, =/\= but I’m not like that. I’m not going to let you off the hook that easily. =/\= and he grinned and winked before becoming serious again.

=/\= But I won’t force myself into your life, either. I know this sounds ridiculous being where we are in relation to each other, but… anytime you need some space? Just ask. I’ll stay off the comms until you call and yell at me for not messaging you. =/\= and he grinned. =/\= Just… regardless… I’m her for you, Faye. I always have been… always will be. However you need me or want me, ok? You tell me that I’m important to you? Well, you are really important to me. And if you want me… us… to try and make sense of whatever this could be, I am definitely game to try. And no… never think you are too much, Faye.

You are exactly enough… no matter what. Offer what you can, I don’t have any expectations except that you talk to me, ok? Just know that I think about you all the time. You matter to me, Faye… more than you know. =/\= and he smiled warmly.

=/\= Be safe, Faye. Be smart. And talk to me. I want to know everything. Good and bad. You don’t have to hide anything from me. I am here for you… unconditionally. =/\=


The message had come in while Faye was doing yoga, the alert chime sounding just the once but Faye ignored it for the time being and and focused on finishing the flow she was in the middle of. While it wasn’t the same as going for a run or swim, Faye liked feeling how hard her body could actually work while doing yoga.

As her practice came to an end, the final meditation having calmed her heart rate and her deep breathing relaxing into a normal pattern, Faye found herself rather relaxed, though her body felt suitably tired. Grabbing a cup of coffee and a glass of water from the replicator, she pulled herself to her desk and pulled up the new message. When she saw it was Daggum, her hand hovered over the activate key, her breath caught in her throat. Inside that message could be anything and she feared a negative outcome, though she couldn’t blame him. She understood completely.

But she was not prepared for the message he sent. Faye chided herself for being surprised, since Daggum had thus far been about the most reasonable person she had ever met. It wasn’t that things didn’t get to him, but they seemed to bounce off him like a shield. How she envied that some days. With a slightly shaky hand, she reached out again and pressed play.

A few minutes later, she leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. Tears flowed down her cheeks and she shook her head and absurdity. Then again these past weeks had been extremely emotional so it wasn’t such a stretch that his lovely words of acceptance and acknowledgement hit so hard. Faye wasn’t aware how badly she needed to hear them until Daggum had spoken them and it seemed there was another person in her life the darkness couldn’t sacred away. Did the other understand that? That that was the deep fear she had. That if she let it all out and into the light, it would be too much. It already seemed to be for many and history had told her this much as well, so Faye didn’t think it an unreasonable fear.

Before she realized what she was doing, her fingers flew over the console, and she logged into the system, tightening the variance they had had in the communications portal. Making sure ti was stable and hoping it would stay stable and he might be there still, Faye initiated a live call. Hair pulled back lightly at the nape of her neck and dressed in her fitted yoga garments, Faye wasn’t sure if he’d be there still or would answer, but her tear-streaked face gazed at the screen in desperate hope.

~Faye Calloway

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