Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Faye’s Quarters- Treading Water

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zef Rollo (Counselor) in Faye’s Quarters- Treading Water

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zef Rollo (Counselor) in Faye’s Quarters- Treading Water
The counselor nodded. “I think that’s a good idea for now. You have a lot of things to think about and a clear head will help you arrive at the solutions faster.” There was a pause before Zef continued. It was a silent cue to Faye that the work was about to begin.

“After all you’ve been through, can you tell me the most positive and most negative thing you experienced, or you associate with the situation?”

—Rollo, CNS

Well, that was certainly a loaded question to start with, but then again Faye wasn’t too surprised. Still, the answer was complicated and there were several things vying for both sides. “Funny enough the answer is the same for both: my mom being here. The whole false orders and imposter of a handler part definitely sucks and he… the fake, said some pretty terrifying things to me, but the part that keeps tipping me over the edge is her being here. I just can’t quite compute it, even though I made a deal with intelligence that they would tell me something about her and her whereabouts at some point. Of all the things that could have happened, there was no way to be prepared for her to walk through those ready room doors. And then to learn the things she told me while I was in the brig. It’s just all… too much!”

~Faye Calloway

Zef had had no idea what Faye’s answer would be, but immediately understood it once she said her mother. She nodded slowly. “You and your mother have a unique relationship. Unfortunately, Star Fleet has played a substantial role in it, leaving both of you with issues of abandonment and distrust. You can certainly work around those things, but to be successful you’ll have to face many unpleasant or misconstrued ideas you’ve carried with you most of your life.”

Faye nodded. She knew that was definitely true and the talk with her mother in the brig had certainly made that more apparent.

Feeling the ease between them, and grateful for it because there was a lot of work to be done, Zef relaxed her posture and leaned back into the couch, propping an arm along the top of it. “Think of the issues being represented by an elephant.” It was the largest animal she could think of native to Earth. “You and I, together, are going to eat that entire creature, but we’re going to do it one bite at a time. Every day we talk about you and Shara, we’ll eat until we are full and then we’ll stop until the next time.” Faye’s relationship, or lack of one, with her mother was the core of her problems. At least, that was what Zef believed at the present time.

—Rollo, CNS

“Okay,” Faye said before taking a deep breath. While the hangover was still a bit there, it had dissipated enough to not be bothersome. And it had left her strangely calm. “So where do we start then?”

~Faye Calloway

Alright, Faye was on board. “Tell me the very first time you think your mother put your well being in second place. The first time you remember her choosing something else instead of you.”

—Rollo, CNS

Faye traced lazy circles across the leather cover of her journal with the tip of her index fingers, watching the movements with distant appreciation. “I guess it was right before she disappeared. We’d already allowed the Maquis to use our colony as a safe spot for a year by that point, and then she was asked to go help out another cell. I… never asked for anything, but that day I asked her not to go. Things had gotten bad and I just wanted us to stay together. But she left anyway. I knew that other people were also fighting and that there were lives at stake, but…” She shrugged. “And then the ship she was on disappeared, and that was that.” A simple set of events and yet it was complicated.

~Faye Calloway

Zef nodded thoughtfully. “That must have been so difficult.” She wasn’t trying to ingratiate herself into Faye’s good graces by sharing the emotion. Zef was looking inwards as she remembered her own mother. “My mother died suddenly, nine years ago. I had her with me when I was a child, but I don’t have her now. I wonder how that makes our lives, yours and mine, the same but different?” The counselor felt more relaxed with Faye than with others she counseled. She actually thought the two of them had complimentary personalities to each other and because of that, there was the possibility of true friendship.

Faye nodded slightly. No matter how or when you lost a parent, if you liked that parent, she was sure the feelings could be very similar.

But for now, she was the counselor and Faye needed guidance. “I’m not accusing when I ask you this. I’m just curious and I want you to think before you answer. Was it that incident that caused the first real resentment towards her?”

—Rollo, CNS

Air flowed inward, filing her lungs and stretching the skin across her ribs. Holding the breath for a moment, Faye let it go slowly as her gaze was fixed on the seats of the sofa. Was it resentment she felt towards her mother? Maybe. At least in certain ways. Faye shook her head. “I think I’ve been mad at my parents for a very long time, but because I witnessed my dad be killed, it felt somehow wring to be mad at him. And if I can’t be mad at him, and she’s still live, I guess there’s a part of me that wants to be mad at her for both of their actions.” She sighed and lifted her gaze to Zef’s. “A year after she went missing, the Dominion came, Zef. For the rest of the Federation, for everyone else on this ship, it’s mostly a footnote in history. Yes, the Dominion destroyed the Maquis. … don’t think people really want to contemplate what that means. Because for me, it meant running through a field of bodies looking for safety. Only to have it briefly and then have it ripped away. This”- she pointed her fingers, gesturing downwards-“is the first time since our colony invited the Maquis into our home that I have felt safe. but it’s a false safety, right? I mean, I knew it the moment I set foot in the brig”-she shook her head-“that I was a fool. This was supposed to be the start of something different. I was doing it differently this time. But I’m really not and I’m tired of pretending I can,” she said, dropping her gaze again.

~Faye Calloway

Pointing out to Faye that she wasn’t the only one on the ship who may have walked through dead bodies in her lifetime, or that there were others on the Manhattan who found it very, very difficult to trust anyone, wasn’t going to help her. Zef had to focus on the woman in front of her and the way she saw the world around her. Her mind didn’t work like most others and the counselor needed to keep that thought active in her own interactions with the scientist.

“If you aren’t doing it differently this time, or the time before this, how can you expect dissimilar results?” The question was honest. Sometimes Faye needed the obvious pointed out to her. Yes, she was brilliant in certain fields, but emotions were slippery and difficult for most people, so they were doubly hard for the woman sitting on the other end of the couch.

“Also, if you’re tired trying, then why are we sitting here? If you’re ready to just accept that life and people will always disappoint you, then you will have to make peace with a sad and unfulfilling life. Is that really what you want?”

—Rollo, CNS

Very slowly, Faye shook her head back and forth, as if each gentle swing could solidify the words in her mind. “It’s like I’m making the same mistakes except that I’ve misidentified what the mistakes even are. I can’t change the outcome because I don’t know what needs to be different in the first place. I thought I knew. I thought simply leaning in to my skills and trying this assignment would be enough. And in some ways it has been. The more comfortable I get with how I was raised and letting myself make use of the things I’m actually really good at, the more content I’ve been feeling with where I’m at. But that damn assignment from Intelligence screwed it all up, because it forced me to hide, Zef. It put me in a position to repeat the same old pattern and not just make people suspicious of me, but even I was having a hard time trusting myself.” She inhaled audibly. “I’m not giving up per say, I’m just… I surrender. I’m tired of fighting, and forcing things to work a certain way isn’t working. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but it’s where I’m at.”

~Faye Calloway

It was enough progress for now. Faye couldn’t see the big picture yet, so she wasn’t aware of the progress she’d made, but the counselor was. “Okay. As hard as this may be for you to believe, I understand. This is difficult. The fact that you’re trying to work your way through it tells me what I need to know. Today you say you surrender, but tomorrow you might be ready to fight again. So, this is a good place to stop for the day.”

Zef stood and smoothed her clothing. “If I might make a suggestion? Since you journal, have you ever gone back and reread the pages that contain the entries where you keep making the same mistakes? Maybe you should—you might be able to identify a pattern.”

As she walked by Faye, she reached out and touched her shoulder, a small gesture of support. “I’ll be around if you need me.” Rollo headed for the door to let Faye have the solitude she apparently needed.

—Rollo, CNS