Posted by Captain Alexander Cochrane (Commanding Officer) in Ready Room- 0900 Hours
Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Ready Room- 0900 Hours
He was right. It did sting. For probably exactly that reasons Alex thought it might, but also some he might not have considered. Faye wrapped her arms around herself tightly and she sought the words that might even partly explain how she thought and felt about it all. “So… no, we haven’t talked it over and set any specific rules. I did make a quip about whether I should be jealous that other women get to kiss him and he said that all I’d have to do is tell him to stop and he would. So… I think that’s a conversation that we definitely have to have. I dearly wish I was more… evolved, I guess, to have a more open relationship, but I don’t trust love just yet. So I’m not ready for that kind of relationship. I’m still navigating friendship. I think it’s too much of him, and me to ask.”
“Well… you don’t have to trust love, Faye. You just have to trust him, whatever rules you set in place. Just make sure those rules are for both of you, not just to protect one or the other.”
Faye nodded slowly. It was definitely something to think about well in advance of their time together. And probably something to bring up before hand.
The rest of it though was several steps more complicated. And so for a few moments she just gazed downwards and when she looked up at Alex, Faye was fighting tears. “I don’t know what I don’t know. And as we’ve so abundantly established, I’m rather clueless when it comes to love and romance. So a part of me needs to be gentle with myself over things I couldn’t have known. Even right now, I can feel that part of me that wants to rip into my decisions and remind me of how terrible I’ve been. And that’s not fair to me or anyone. I’ve been going through a lot and I’ve made some bad decisions. Drinking was one of them. Wyatt was another. And Daggum has been with at least one person that I know of, so I don’t think us keeping score against each other is useful.” There were too many thoughts and no easy way to express any of it. “The part of me that threw myself into Luke’s arms was the part of me that wasn’t ready to confront my feelings about Dag, and Kodell. But I’m not that same person, Alex. Even a week or two later.”
“Of that I am acutely aware, Ms. Calloway.” Alex said softly and with a smile.
“The thing that really terrifies me is that Dag says he’s loved me since the day he met me,” Faye said, her eyes widening. “That’s a long time to be away from someone and it’s very easy to build up an ideal notion of that person. He knows about my BPD, because I told him. But aside from falling apart when he called me that first time, he’s not really seen what day-to-day life with me is like. And him being on another ship means that he still won’t. He doesn’t have to immerse himself in that reality. Luke tried to brush that stuff aside, to say it didn’t matter. That was why I ended things with us. He thought we could make each other happy! That’s why things went so terribly. That anger and hurt he unleashed…” Faye shook her head. “I know I’m supposed to not be letting fears control my life, but the fear that Daggum is going to do the same thing Luke did is a real thing. Not just some imagined fear I crafted to keep people away.”
Alex nodded in understanding. He knew her fears were real.. and realistic. He took a breath and slowly exhaled through his nose. He stood up and walked around the desk, taking a seat in the chair next to her. “Ok. So let’s look at this logically first. Is Mushroom-Boy the same person Luke is? From what you have said, no. He is not. Is he the same as Kodell? No, he is not. So comparing apples to phasers to greeting cards is a moot practice. So let’s let that slide off the plate. Look at the man… not the history. Is he the kind to do that? You may not know right now, and that’s fine. The two of you have a lot of getting to know one another to do. But worrying about it now? There is literally nothing you can do about it right now, not till you and he are in the same proximity. Then you’ll know. And yeah… it’s a long time and certainly could have built up unrealistic expectations of you… you have probably already done some of that yourself about him. That’s what new relationships do. They test our perceptions of others. Sometimes people pass, sometimes they fail. That’s just the nature of loving someone new. But Faye… stressing about this now is just going to feed your anxiety and make being yourself around him all that much harder. And yourself is who he needs to see… in all your glory.” and he grinned at her.
Despite herself, Faye matched his grin. “I tried to tell him he was way smarter than me when it came to emotional stuff, but he wasn’t having it,” she said with a laugh, that very gesture lightening something in her. “I guess we have a month to work some of this out and then a week together to find out if there’s really enough there. But I don’t mind admitting that I feel like someone is dropping me off a cliff and then I realized that I was the one who jumped. And I’m going to have to do a helluva lot of yoga and kickboxing while I wait for the landing.” She didn’t say crash. She was attempting to be optimistic, after all. She wanted it to work out, she really did, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t gong to proceed with some well earned caution.
“I so owe you more hasperat,” she said with a lopsided grin.
© 1991-2021 STF. Terms of Service