Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zef Rollo (Counselor) in Counsellor’s Office- Calloway’s Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Counsellor’s Office- Calloway’s Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zef Rollo (Counselor) in Counsellor’s Office- Calloway’s Eval
Posted by… suppressed (4) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Lt. If I think you’ve given up, that’s all it is—a thought inside my head. What matters is what YOU think, and it sounds like you still have a little hope that things will work out right. Like you said, you’re trying—and that’s really all anyone can do. However, having said that, always expecting the worst is a pessimistic way to live. I’ve seen a few people rob themselves of happiness that could have been theirs if they just hadn’t been so negative.” Once again, she picked up her coffee and sipped at it. “Just something to think about. You might be warding off happiness with your fear of being disappointed. I don’t know that, I’m just putting it out there for you to consider.”

—Rollo, CNS

Faye shrugged. “What you might call a fear, others might see as a reflex based on experience. It’s not like I made up what’s happened to me. It is what it is. Besides, on this ship I’ve learned that some people are going to sneak into your life whether you like it or not,” she said with something of an amused smile. Even in her more surly moments there were a few people who hadn’t been put off by that. If anything that had been the greater surprise. “If I have any hope right now, it’s because those people don’t react to me… badly? I guess. I don’t know how to describe it.”

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist

“Its good to hear there are a few who have worked their way into your life. By the look on your face, I’d say so far its been a positive experience for you too.” Zef’s focus faded for a second as she recalled something in her own life that made her smile. “This is real progress, Lt, and I’m very happy to hear its happening. What about a significant other? Is someone on the ship filling that role for you or is there a possibility?” Relationships were precarious things. An acquaintance or casual friend was totally different than a partner. The level of trust needed to share the difficult parts of your psyche with someone was hard to build and guarded round the clock.

—Rollo, CNS

She should have anticipated the question, but then again her history hadn’t included many romantic relationships and Faye didn’t talk about the ones that had occurred much with anyone. Especially the last one. Faye’s cheeks felt instantly warm and she averted her gaze.

Already having given away her answer Calloway found her right fingers tapping on her thigh. “I, well, I mean…” Faye sighed and looked up Rollo almost sheepishly. “I want a particular person to be. We’ve become good friends and-” Gah! Why was this so hard? Why did even bringing it up make her want to jump our of her skin? Did Novel screw her up that much?

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist

She’d hit an area of vulnerability with Calloway. Even the subject was difficult for the woman to talk about. “Just breathe, Lt. I’m not here to judge and everything you tell me is confidential—I’m not going to give away the information you reveal here.” Zef gave Faye a moment to gather herself before continuing. “So, you and someone have become good friends and you’re hoping it becomes romantic? Is there a realistic chance for that to happen?”

—Rollo, CNS

Breathing, right, that was a useful thing. Faye forced herself to take a deep breath and steady her emotions, all the while contemplating the very fair question. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “There are moments when things are so easy between us that I think, yeah, this could work, we can put the complications aside and just try. But…” She chewed on her lower lip for a moment. “I’m all too aware that I’m my own worst enemy, that I can easily and unknowingly sabotage things for a variety of reasons. And some of those reasons are things that will affect any relationship I have, whether I like it or not. And then there will be these moments where he just… pushes past it all without even knowing it, and I will feel compelled to say something, to be bold and let him know how I feel. But every damn time, I get so scared it’s like I’m paralyzed! The moment passes and I just carry on, silent and feeling like an absolute fool,” she said bitterly. Faye knew that some of this was about courage and fearing rejection, but the rest of it was deeper and very connected to the rest of the swirling issues in her head. As far as she had come in recent years, there were still some serious mountains to climb.

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist

“Alright. So far it all sounds fairly normal. A lot of people have issues with intimacy. Once a trusted friend or relative has burned you, it takes a lot more to take a chance on trusting someone else. The more that happens, the longer it takes. There are many I’ve treated who have been successful in lowering their stringent demands for earning their trust, and honestly, there are a lot who haven’t been able to make that jump. Their hurt and betrayal goes so deep that they’ve simply shut that part of themselves off and bricked it over.”

Yep, that about summed it up!Faye had learned a long time ago that you had to cover your weak spots or else you were ripped apart.

Zef took a moment to rearrange herself on the couch into a more comfortable position. “The positive thing to note here, is that you are finding moments when you ‘want’ to tell him how you feel. You mentioned there were complications that needed to be put aside…are you referring to your trust issues or something else?”

Rollo, CNS

She chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment. “Both, in different ways,” Faye said. Inhaling deeply, she allowed herself to ponder over how best to explain it all. “The last… experience I had with romance was ultimately really…” She sighed. “The feelings between us were real, but I was used in a terrible way and along with my BPD, I have a hard time trusting what is real and what just my wishful thinking. And then this other person’s role on the ship adds a complication. But I don’t know if it is an actual complication, because I can’t bring myself to talk to them about it.”

Faye tilted her head up towards the ceiling slightly, her stormy grey-green eyes puzzling over the constant mix of strange emotions. “If I take that step- if I tell them how I feel- know it could go good or bad. And intellectually I know it isn’t about me, per say.” She looked back at Rollo. “He’s the kind of person who won’t let me talk badly about myself, even as a joke. I made a joke about the crazy stuff in my head and he shut that down fast,” she said with a chuckle. “He’s the first person in my entire life I can see… something more happening with. But I don’t do the future. The future and I don’t get along very well, so I just focus on each day. And each day the longing just gets worse.” It was sappy and she constantly felt like a fool for it, but that was the essential truth.

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist