Posted by Lindsay Bayes in COO Quarters - A Home For Wayward Fungi

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Daggum Hammor (Chief Operations Officer) in COO Quarters - A Home For Wayward Fungi

Posted by Lindsay Bayes in COO Quarters - A Home For Wayward Fungi
Posted by… suppressed (2) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snips)

It was nearly a week later when a message came through for Daggum from the Delta Quadrant, but this time it was written:

||Hey Dag,
The mushroom house is being constructed as we speak now that I got to the top of the industrial replicator queue. The crate arrived safely and I’m taking good care of it until it’s time to plant it. Thank you. You have no idea how much any of this means to me. Or maybe you do. You did seem particular insightful during our chats, so I suspect you understand more than you let on.

Right now is… difficult. I’m going through something I’m not even sure I fully have words for. My instinct is not to tell you this part, because the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings. But recently someone all but accused me of bulldozing through people’s lives without caring about the effect. But it’s not true! I never, ever mean to harm someone unless I’m throwing a punch and want to harm them. It’s so hard to explain but years ago after a particularly dark time in my life I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. For some people that diagnoses would have been devastating, but for me, after all I’ve been through it felt like someone turned on a light. That I had been suffering and miserable for so long that I assumed it was just me. I was a terrible person and deserved it all. Some days, on the hard days, I still think that. But the rest of me knows it’s not true, knows that I just don’t always react the way people think I should, and that in my desperation to keep people close, or keep them away (depending on the day sometimes it’s the same person!) I do and say things I regret. Maybe not immediately, but later for sure.

I have so many regrets that I feel some days that’s all that there is after all these years.

I don’t tell you this to gather pity or even sympathy, I tell you this because I think you see me as I am, even though you don’t know all the broken bits and sad stories. I’ve been recently learning to tell people these stories because I never felt it was okay to. People knew surface details, like my parents had been Maquis, but never what they meant, never what that reality meant. And never how it made me feel.

The thing I haven’t wanted to admit since the day I boarded the Manhattan is that you remind me of someone. Someone I want to forget. Not because they were terrible to me and caused so much pain as others have, but because they were good and kind amidst a terrible situation. A situation they created. And so I am torn. Do I hate him? I don’t know. I should. But I can’t. And I hate myself for that. And if you remind me of him, then what? Like I said, I don’t want this to cause you pain, but that seems to be what I’m doing a lot of these days. So I’m sorry if that admission causes you pain. You are so good. So good to me. And I want to be able to accept all of this from you openly and freely. I’m trying, Dag, I really am. I hope you can believe me that much. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying. I am trying so hard.

I don’t know what I will find exactly when I go into that mushroom house, but somehow I know to expect something amazing. So, in advance, thank you.

I don’t know what you are to me, but you are important. I know that much. So if it’s not too much, if all I’m laying down in front of you isn’t too much, then… keep going. Keep sending me messages. Keep trying to be whatever it is we might be. I don’t know what I can offer, or what I’m ready to accept but I think if we both keep trying we’ll figure it out. Maybe. Or maybe I’m in denial. Haha! Anything is possible these days.

~Faye

That was all it included, just the written words for a lost woman trying to figure out where she was and who she was to all the people around her.

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist, USS Manhattan

Daggum read and read the message more than a few times before leaning back with his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide. Whoa. was all he could think for quite a while. He stood up and walked to the replicator and ordered a large tomato juice with hot sauce and black pepper… his comfort drink, if anyone were to actually ask him.He carried it back to the desk and stared at the screen for a long time before turning it off.

Several Days Later…

Daggum sat down at the terminal and activated the comms recording program. He was tempted to do a text, like she sent him; but he knew… or maybe hoped… that seeing him may help her know he was sincere.

=/\= Hey Faye… =/\= he began and smiled.

=/\= I got your message. And yeah… it was a lot to unpack, for sure. But none of it was bad. I don’t want you to think it was ‘too much’ or anything. But I think there are some things you may want to hear from me; maybe just so that it eases some of your worry.

First.. I wanted to say thank you for telling me where you are at. I appreciate it… more than you know, probably… how much your trust means to me. And the fact that you can share that with me speaks volumes… at least it does to me. And I am glad your diagnosis gave you some… well… explanation… or justification… or whatever it was that you needed from it. And we all say things we regret. So you do it more often than others… it just makes up part of who you are. And if you ever say something to me that you later regret, please… please please please remember this:

No matter what… you can always talk to me. Sure, I may get upset… but I will get over it. That is a promise. Okay? Remember that. =/\= and he took a deep breath and smiled.

=/\= Now then… about this person I remind you of. =/\= and the smile faded noticeably. =/\= Faye… I never want to cause you pain. Not ever. I’m sorry I remind you of him, and I can tell that that fact has given you a lot of conflict. All I can say is this: I’m not him. I never will be. I can only be me. But if me being me hurts you, makes you remember things you don’t want to… then I don’t know what to do about that. I know in the vids the guy would say something like =/\= and his tone switched to overly dramatic stereotypical vid-star, =/\= “Just tell me its too much and I shall leave you forever!!”, =/\= and he chuckled, =/\= but I’m not like that. I’m not going to let you off the hook that easily. =/\= and he grinned and winked before becoming serious again.

=/\= But I won’t force myself into your life, either. I know this sounds ridiculous being where we are in relation to each other, but… anytime you need some space? Just ask. I’ll stay off the comms until you call and yell at me for not messaging you. =/\= and he grinned. =/\= Just… regardless… I’m her for you, Faye. I always have been… always will be. However you need me or want me, ok? You tell me that I’m important to you? Well, you are really important to me. And if you want me… us… to try and make sense of whatever this could be, I am definitely game to try. And no… never think you are too much, Faye.

You are exactly enough… no matter what. Offer what you can, I don’t have any expectations except that you talk to me, ok? Just know that I think about you all the time. You matter to me, Faye… more than you know. =/\= and he smiled warmly.

=/\= Be safe, Faye. Be smart. And talk to me. I want to know everything. Good and bad. You don’t have to hide anything from me. I am here for you… unconditionally. =/\=

He turned off the comm and leaned back.

God, I miss her. he thought and hit send.

Hammor

Not long after Daggum had sent the message, the comm system chirped. And again. It was an incoming subspace call.

Daggum, wearing a t-shirt with a green skinned figure somewhat similar to himself and the words ‘Savage Dragon’ across the top of his pecs, tapped the comms.

Hair pulled back lightly at the nape of her neck and dressed in her fitted yoga garments, Faye wasn’t sure if he’d be there still or would answer, but her tear-streaked face gazed at the screen in desperate hope.

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist, USS Manhattan

Seeing her, he smiled and then saw the tears. +/\= Faye! Faye… whats the matter? Are you okay? Whats happening? =/\= he asked with a massive amount of concern in his voice and on his face.

Hammor, Ops

Her mouth dropped open slightly, surprised he was actually there. Faye nodded and shook her head simultaneously before chuckling and throwing her hands out to the side. =/\=I’m okay. Just…=/\= What were the words that could convey any of it. =/\=Just emotional. There’s been a lot of that lately. A lot of up and down and very little in between. I keep waiting for equilibrium, but so much has changed that I’m not sure sure I’d even know if I hit it fully. But I just watched your message and I needed to talk to you. Kind of as if I needed to make sure it was real. If that makes sense?=/\= She shook her head in amusement decidedly unsurprised if it didn’t given that it barely made sense to her.

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist, USS Manhattan

The concern left for the most part, replaced by a wide grin. =/\= It does make sense. And yeah, Faye… it was real. And I meant every word. Of that you should not have a doubt. =/\=

Hammor, Ops