Posted by Lindsay Bayes in COO Quarters - A Home For Wayward Fungi

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Daggum Hammor (Chief Operations Officer) in COO Quarters - A Home For Wayward Fungi

Posted by Lindsay Bayes in COO Quarters - A Home For Wayward Fungi
Posted by… suppressed (1) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Daggum listened, and his heart ached. He could see her pain… anguish. And he knew, in a way, where she was. After she finished, he was quiet for a moment. He just… looked at her. And then… a soft smile formed.

=/\= Hey… I know its hard. I do… And if you don’t want to fight anymore, Faye… thats fine. Its okay to be tired. Tired of the constant wearing and hurting and… and… and everything. It doesn’t mean you’ve lost… and it doesn’t mean you’ve won. It’s like you just said… it just is, okay? And its okay to be scared, too. All of us are in some form or fashion. Hell, I’m scared right now. But its what we do in spite of that fear that matters. And of everyone I have ever met, Faye… you =/\= and he shook his bald, green head with a look of admiration and affection on his face, =/\= … you are one of the bravest people I know. So I know you have it in to get yourself through this, okay? Just… believe in you… as much as I do. You sound like you are making really solid steps for yourself. I… I’m really proud of you, Faye. A lot. =/\= He paused and reached up and touched the screen, as if he could touch her cheek through the billions of kilometers of space between them.

Maybe she would have been embarrassed under different circumstances and demurred away, but in this moment, in feeling this incredible vulnerability Faye ever so slightly leaned in, as if she could imagine his fingers reaching through the screen. As if his touch could sooth the restless scared parts of her into quietness.

=/\= So this person you say you hurt. How bad was it? I mean… is it fixable? Or is pretty bad? =/\= and then a sudden thought occurred to him and he pulled back from the screen a bit, a look of slight trepidation on his face. =/\= Or is that something that is none of my business? Which is fine… I don’t want to overstep, okay? But I meant it when I said you can talk to me about anything. =/\= and then another thought hit him with a wholly different set of emotions… this time confusion. =/\= And wait… did you say your Mom was there? =/\=

Daggum

A small laugh broke the tension. Just because she had the impressive memory, didn’t mean everyone else remembered every bit of conversation they participated in. Especially since Faye seemed to toss large amounts of information at the man at every turn. She had to give him credit for taking tit so well. =/\=Yes. She was the one who was leading the Intelligence investigation. But we can get to her later. That is a whole other thing,=/\= she said gesturing in a circle with her hand.

Another deep breath. =/\=As for the rest, I believe you so… here goes,=/\= Faye said with a laugh. =/\=I was feeling so terrible and I’ve had episodes of dissociation. It’s not normally a problem for me, but after huge stressors, like imprisonment or mass murder, you know-=/\= she rolled her eyes with a smirk=/\=-my brain executes an emergency escape and goes… elsewhere. I can suddenly come to, as it were and be in an entirely different location. Which is rather scary and unsettling. I could have had whole conversations earlier in my life and not remember them, and I have what they consider to be a nearly eidetic memory.=/\= Another laugh.

=/\= Anyway. I think I subconsciously wanted to stay in the present so badly that I wanted physical things to remind me that I was here. That I was alive. And so I tried to start something casual with someone who I’ve had some… complicated exchanges with. The timing was bad. Maybe the choice in person was bad, I don’t know, but suffice to say that when I tried to end our… arrangement, it didn’t go well.=/\= She looked away, her cheeks warm with that uncomfortable feeling she was feeling far too often. When she looked back at Daggum, she couldn’t quite meet his gaze. =/\=I don’t know if it’s fixable. I had hoped we could go back to being friends, but I think my being in this bad place is maybe not good for him and I don’t want to hurt him more. It’s not fair to inflict my pain on others.=/\=

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist, USS Manhattan

=/\= Hey… listen to me, okay? You aren’t in a ‘bad place. Its just a place. It may not be the best, but it also may not be as bad as you think, all right? I know ow you mean head space and all, but listen… you said you have friends, right? And the Captain? And that they seem to be accepting you for you… right? So that is a good thing, Faye. You have people around you that care. And having those… supports… can and will help you sort through some of what is happening. I’m really… really really… sorry that your thing with the guy didn’t give you what you needed. And I’m am definitely not the right one to give you advice on your love life…=/\= and he let out a plainly self-depricating chuckle, =/\= … but wanting that closeness… that connection… isn’t wrong on your part, Faye. Maybe you did pick the wrong guy, I dunno. But what I do know? =/\= and his eyes locked on her as he took a deep breath.

=/\= Anyone would be lucky to have you that close to them. =/\=

Daggum

Faye closed her eyes tightly, drawing her left foot up on to the edge of her chair and wrapping her arms around her legs.

Lips together, she blew air outwards, steadying herself as her mind grappled with things and memories she could not and did not want to venture towards. She was bracing herself for that moment. It would come soon enough. But it wasn’t now… at least she didn’t think it was. =/\=Oh Dag…=/\= was all she could say at first. The words that summed up even a small piece of what she was going through were out of reach. Inaccessible. But the beauty of a mind and memory like hers was that often she could probably find someone else‘s words and use them as needed:

*All the salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holdin’ up my head

I am so tired of lookin’ at my feet
All the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin’ by a thread

Hangin’ by a thread*

Eyes closed she recited it like a fluidly lyrical poem, though it was a piece of a song. When she opened her eyes she met his gaze again, eyes shining with tears. =/\=I don’t say I’m in a bad place because I’m being too hard on myself. This isn’t me misconstruing reality, Dag.=/\= Faye leaned in towards the screen, resting her chest against her knee. =/\=I’ve been in worse places. I know exactly what it looks like. How it feels. And I know if I let myself linger there too long terrible things can happen. That’s not what this is. This isn’t like before when I gave up entirely and then had to spend three months in a mental health centre. I know people care about me, as I care about them. I feel that. We’re both right- it’s okay that I’m not okay right now and I will get through this. But running away from the darkness right now will do way more damage than sitting with it. I can call this place bad because I know there is something better. I can almost touch it!=/\= Her breath caught in her throat and she swallowed. =/\=I want that so badly. You have no idea how badly.=/\= The expression on her face shifted, as if the sun was pushing through dark clouds illuminating spots softly. =/\=Patience. We all need to be patient. If I rush it, I will lose it. I will miss the opportunity to figure this all out. I know you want to support me and make me feel better, but this is difficult work I have to do. No one can do it for me. Okay?=/\= She laughed openly, sincerely. =/\=And maybe one day soon I’ll get through one damn conversation without crying, but apparently it’s not today.=/\= She laughed again before sighing.

OOC: Song: Hangin’ by a Thread by Jann Arden

~Faye Calloway

Daggum smiled at her and sighed, his eyes still locked on the screen. Everything she said,, her acknowledgement of her pain and the road ahead, rang more true to him because he had walked a similar road. And he wanted nothing more than to be there to see her take that same walk and find out how good things could be at the end.

Suddenly he clapped his hands together and almost shouted =/\= YES YES YES!!! Yes! Thats my girl!! =/\= at the screen, unconsciously adding the term of endearment, and then he smiled broadly and pointed at the screen. =/\= Yes, Faye. You have no idea how proud I am of you right now. You know the road is hard, but your stepping on it anyway. So… so proud. =/\= and he smiled and wiped a tear from his eye.

=/\= And you are so so right. Patience… and no, no one can do it for you. But doll? You are so much stronger than you know… and I know… Faye I know it in my heart… you are going to go through that dark and when you come out… no one and no thing will put out your light. =/\=

Daggum