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Rivers quarters - ghosts of the past (Tag CNS)

Posted April 13, 2021, 2:55 a.m. by Lieutenant River Styxx (OIC Marine) (Nathan Derricutt)

Posted by Lieutenant Revna Edman (Counselor) in Rivers quarters - ghosts of the past (Tag CNS)

Posted by Lieutenant River Styxx (OIC Marine) in Rivers quarters - ghosts of the past (Tag CNS)

Posted by Lieutenant Revna Edman (Counselor) in Rivers quarters - ghosts of the past (Tag CNS)
Posted by… suppressed (3) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Renva patted her hand. “We cared, we were all did. Speaking strictly from a medical stand point, it would have been a lot worse without you and the marines that fought so hard. And despite the losses, we can at least be thankful for that.” She set the few things still in her lap to the side, carefully, one at a time. “Sometimes, River, one event defines us. Oh we are all a sum of our total experiences, but there are a handful, maybe a bit more, that more more significant than the rest. You don’t lock it away River. That would be like chopping off your arm above the wrist because you broke it once. And locking it away causes more problems. But there are ways of dealing with it, of managing the pain. It takes longer than a physical injury, but it is possible.”
Lt Edman, Counselor

River thought for a few seconds “Is that something you would be able to help me with?” she asked her tone reserved “I know i need to move on, but I don’t want it to reflect bad on my record. I have a mountain to climb as it is and i don’t want it to look like I can’t do my job. Would it show up negatively?” she asked.

Lieut Styxx (Marine OIC)

Revna collected her thoughts before answering. “Yes, I can help you, you may not always like me for it though. As for it negatively reflecting on your record, I’m happy to say that we have come a long way from the centuries where seeing a counselor was like seeing a witch for black magic trinkets.” Revna grinned but it didn’t quit reach her eyes, that looked slightly sad. “There are still some that sneer at it but in my experience that is because they are afraid of what they will learn if they saw a counselor. But to directly answer your question, no it won’t. You are choosing on your own to seek healing. That goes a long way in the positive direction. Of course Star Fleet and Marines have different command structures, but for the most part your physical and mental health is provided from the same source. I wouldn’t think the marines would look down on you for seeking help. However if you are unsure, I suggest asking Cmdr Jen. He is after all the bridge between both. And he knows how to keep a confidence. As far as ship’s gossip, there are ways around that. There might even still be some standing orders for regular evaluations for everyone who was at Acheron.” Revna sat back regarding River, “If this is what you want to do.”
Lt Edman, Counselor

River nodded “I think I do. It’ll be better for me in the long run right?” she asked but it was rhetorical she already knew it would be “There was an order for specialist help. I never acted on it, but now seeing as you specialise in trauma recovery if I recall correctly I would technically be seeing a specialist.” she added thinking for a few seconds “Lets talk about scheduling after we’ve finished here” she said an undercurrent of dread in her voice whether it was for the future schedule or what was about to happen was up to anyone to decide.

Lieut Styxx (Marine OIC)

Revna only nodded, River’s statement didn’t require an answer. Revna was more the qualified to fall under the ‘specialist’ title and it would be better in the long run for River to directly confront what had happened. Healing took a long time but it would come. She waited for River to decide. Abigail’s trunk was quite a lot all at once. And looking at her lost daughter’s things would be harder.
Lt Edman, Counselor

River hesitantly grabbed the box and moved it over. She then sighed heavily “Before we do this there is something I feel I should tell you. Something that after you hear it you might not want anything to do with me. I’ll understand if you want to walk away” she said the difficulty of what she was going to say putting a strain on her voice “I am officerly Lily’s cause of death. Her officially cause of death is a phaser shot” rover said the heartbreak radiating through her voice. she finished her water and then turned to face Revan so she could judge her reaction.

Revna had sat at this moment many times before. The person feeling so lost in their own despair they were certain of their guilt. The stories were always horrifying. There was no denying that, but that didn’t mean the person was guilty. Revna took a very silent deep breath waiting for the horror that River needed to share.

“Lilly was struck with a neurotoxin soaked dart. During the battle we where able to disrupt there communications for two weeks. It gave us enough time to take back the capital and dig in. But during that time the enemy where a uncoordinated mess. They sent suicide raids on our lines. One of the raids came close. During the fighting Lily was struck. I remember hearing her scream. I didn’t know what to do but the CMO said he had developed a cure. so as the last of the raiders where killed I ran to sickbay carrying Lilith. The CMO gave her his cure.” River said slamming her fist onto the box

“The dam thing made it worse. She was in so much pain crying out for help. River help me, River why does it hurt so much, I thought I was going to get better she cried. I couldn’t bare it. so I drew my phaser and told her to close her eyes and think of the park we used to go to. Then I fired and she wasn’t in pain anymore. It should have been me” River just paused. the whole time she had been talking her left thumb was stroking her right wrist and the tattoo that she knew lay under her sleeve “I killed a 12 year old girl, my own adopted daughter. what sort of monster does that?” she asked. She knew what was going to happen next, she knew the counsellor was going to leave and call her all sorts of things. She was used to it and prepared for it.

Lieut Styxx (OIC Marines)

The story was awful, horrendous, and for Revna, it ended in the best way it could have. She had watched so many succumb to the neurotoxin. She’d wished, she’d prayed, she’d argued with the senior staff, that it was kinder to ease their pain than to make them suffer. That doctors took an oath to cause no pain, and by ignoring their pleas, forcing them to suffer through the toxin when there was no hope of curing them, was causing pain, that they were violating their oaths. But still they had all sat and watched in horror as each one suffered unimaginably and then died, twisted in pain and agony.

River may have been prepared for Revna to condemn her but Revna would not. Instead, Revna did something that should have been offered to River a long time ago. Revna was totally prepared to be rejected, out of shock, out of guilt, out of violation of personal space, but what River needed, was simple. The usually stoic Norse woman wrapped both arms around River and hugged her. “You did the only humanely thing there was to do.”
Lt Edman, Counselor

River wasn’t expecting the hug or the positive reaction. Her actions had ben used against her so many times he expected everyone to see her as a monster. So in a move that shocked even River she returned the hug “Yet after that I started to lose my humanity. I became vengeful, merciless and cold to almost everyone. I gave the order that anyone that was effected was to be shot on site. I made others experience the pain I did” she said softly

“You didn’t loose your humanity. It was grief, which makes us do things that are out of character, it changes us in ways we can’t quantify or qualify. You suffered a great loss and then had to make the decision to give others that were suffering the same peace, the same mercy, you gave Lilly. You carry that grief not just for Lilly but for each person those monsters killed. They were going to die River, no matter if you acted or not. You gave them mercy. The doctors still have no cure for the nerotoxin. The outcome would be the same.”

“Thank you Revna” she said after a short pause

Lieut Styxx (Marine OIC)

Revna gave her a brief squeeze and then sat back. “It’s a lot that was put on you, and you were treated horribly, but you won’t be here.” She glanced at the smaller box. “Do you want to take a break?”
Lt Edman, Counselor

“For once i am starting to feel like I won’t be treated harshly here.” River said truthfully “As for stopping, no I don’t want to stop. I may not have the courage to do this again” she said as she opened the box. Inside was a small collection of clothes, PaDDs, toys and a few other bits and pieces. River reached for the first item and hugged it tightly. It was a brown bear with yellow eyes and a red ribbon for a tie. It was clearly an old teddy and it had been loved.

“You are crew, you are family here. And anyone who might think otherwise, well they’ve never seen an angry Norse woman before,” Revna grinned, it was only slightly a joke, but it was meant to ease the heaviness, if only a little while River continued down the path of her memories.

“This was the only item I got to keep in the orphanage. I had to hide it form the owners and the other kids but I managed. I gave it to Lilly as a birthday gift when she was 11. I had hoped she would keep it and pass it to her own children and then her children’s children and so on.” She said “It also the only thing I have left of my parents” she added.

Lieut Styxx (OIC Marines)

Revna looked at the bear. Her mother, her father, the elders in her village, all had small pieces like that. They kept to pass down to their children and grandchildren. Old Gothi had pieces passed down to her from the previous Gothi and so on. These pieces were more than sentimental, they were pieces of their shared history, of where they came from, and symbols of where they were going. “I’m glad you got it back. This is your legacy, Lilly’s legacy,” and Revna had an idea, for later. “I’m glad you were able to hold onto it while you were a child. Things like this are important and I’m glad for you, that it was found and returned to you, even though it is bitter sweet.”
Lt Edman, Counselor

River laughed softly “I can’t help but think this bear is like me. It went over the hills and far away and returned when many others fell. Its a survivor.” she said as she absentmindedly started to hum a tune softly. It was the tune to the song Over the hills and far away. Revna might recognise it. after all it was the song River, her men, the Klingons and the Romulans sang as the fleet arrived. She made sure it was transmitted on all channels. Of course at the time River didn’t know the fleet had arrived. The enemy had turned up and started signing a war chant, they where so sure of victory they wanted to phycological harm them further. However River decided otherwise. It took a moment but soon her side where all singing it in galactic standard, Klingon and Romulan. it was like a sing off, then what she thought would be her finally battle began.

As she hummed she picked up a group of five carved wooden soldiers. they had seen better days they were cracked a couple where blackened slightly. They must have been near a fire. Written on there backs where names River, Abi, Chi’man, William and Ini “My original squad. Chi’man made these, he did wood carving as a hobby, the resemblance isn’t brilliant but Lilly loved them, she got them for Christmas” She said handing the one with Chi’man written on it. it was supposed to be an Andorian but the antenna had broken off leaving only the stubs.

Lieut Styxx (Marine OIC)

OOC: Here’s the link to the song. in case you where curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6JuDre0U4Q
Nathan


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