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side sim - Beginning Again (Tag CNS)

Posted June 10, 2021, 11:18 a.m. by Lieutenant Bethany Kovra Gadi (Counselor) (Jennifer Ward)

Posted by Captain Molly Holloway (Commanding Officer) in side sim - Beginning Again (Tag CNS)

(snip)

To say that Bethany was surprised by Holloway’s words might sound judgmental. But as the captain had said they didn’t exactly get off on the right foot and Gadi had spent very little time with the captain. “Some times a captain needs to be ice, it’s the only way to do what needs to be done. As for the rest, I appreciate the concern and the offer. I’ve had two weeks of solitude and quiet to think to wallow in self-recrimination and try to see what I could have done differently, what I missed.” Bethany regarded Holloway for a moment. She thought Holloway might understand. “Would you believe me, Captain, if I told you that the guilt of losing someone under my care is something that I can’t get past. That I remember them every day, or would you lump me in with the rest of the self-serving, manipulative (words I can’t use) that Intel uses?”
Lt Gadi, CNS

Molly’s eyebrow raised slightly at Gadi’s words. She had expected many things, but the Counselor’s question hadn’t been one of them. She pondered a moment. “No, Lieutenant. I wouldn’t believe you…” Holloway let the silence fall between them again before continuing. “But not for the reasons you might think.” She paused again, this time with a sympathetic expression on her face.

“Every Intel Officer is different, and certainly not all are devoid of ethics, care, or even empathy.” Molly continued. “I met people that gave up because they just didn’t possess the heartlessness that was asked of them; others that were able to keep guilt at bay by justifying their actions as something that needed to be done for the greater good; and others that were just heartless in a way even I could not fathom being.” Holloway shivered slightly as her mind took her back to her run in with Tomas and the Jem’Hadar. She took a deep breath and shook her head, and Gadi would be able to sense the slight shift in her emotions as she relieved her own past experiences.

“But I’m not the one to make judgements.” Molly’s gaze was suddenly trained on the Dresden’s Counselor. “I’ve done my fair share of deeds that I am not proud of, and I know I might be required to do more in the future. So it is not my place to judge what others have done, or do.” She paused to take another breath. “However… I am quite familiar with the feeling of losing someone under one’s care. Well…” She corrected herself. “… or at least I am familiar with the fear of failing said someone.” Molly shook her head again, before looking down at her hands and at the books next to her. “I don’t believe you can’t get past the guilt of losing someone under your care, solely because I believe that you can get past it. Even if right now it doesn’t feel that way.”

“I’m preparing a reading session with kids from a less fortunate neighborhood in New York City, back on Earth.” Holloway motioned towards the pile of children’s books with her chin. “That’s my way of easing the weight of my cross.” The religious reference would seem out of place for Holloway, if Gadi had caught it. “With time things get easier, Lieutenant. I’m sure you know that better than me. And with the right ways of coping, I know you will be free of your guilt one day. But I would be lying if I told you it wasn’t a tortuous path…” She gave a nervous chuckle. “The hardest person to forgive is your own self.” Molly pondered for a moment on whether or not she should ask her next question. “I take it, this was something that happened on your time away?”

Holloway, CO

bump :)

OOC I haven’t forgotten about this, just having trouble finding inspiration.

OOC: Oh, no worries. Finding inspiration has not been easy for me either, so I can absolutely relate. We can also leave the thread at this point if you prefer. I am fine either way. – Joana

Bethany didn’t miss the religious reference, but it didn’t mean Holloway was religious. Such turns of phrase were often worked their way into mundane conversation and social linguistics simply because the imagery was one that was universally related. Her mother’s family used such phrases although they were far from what one would call religious. Holloway was right of course, you could learn to move past anything. Well, if you were strong enough. Xydabi certainly hadn’t. “Perhaps to be more accurate I should say I don’t want to get over it. I don’t want to forget and simply move on. It is very hard to forgive ourselves, to allow our self grace and compassion. It is also easy to blame others when we don’t wish to face hard truths.” Bethany leaned back on her hands and looked up. It was a beautiful program. A lilting country drawl tinged her voice momentarily, “Aye, ya take it correctly, Cpt.”
Lt Gadi, CNS


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