Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours

Posted by Commander Amelia Manning (Executive Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours
Posted by… suppressed (12) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
Renveer again felt a pang in his chest, a natural sympathy for the officer in front of him who had been through so much. As a counselor, Renveer often found himself battling anger. Anger at the galaxy for being so cruel to good people. He quelled that bubble of emotion for now, tucking it away for the punching bag later.

Renveer took a deep breath in and out, providing a model for the behavior without explicitly instructing Manning to do it, inviting her to join him wordlessly. “You said that you feel nothing. I think you feel something, you just might not know what to name it. Emotions are nuanced things, with so many different words for complicated sensations and even then often times those descriptors aren’t adequate. So don’t worry about labeling it. Instead, feel whatever that emotion is and find it inside of your body. Where do you feel it? When you’re talking about this with me, is there a feeling in your chest, your neck, your stomach? Somewhere else?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Taking the Counselor’s cue, Amelia took another deep breath. Tears rimming her eyes as the last of her exhale left her lungs. She blinked twice to dry them before it became apparent.

Nodding at Renveer’s words, Manning closed her eyes for a moment before speaking. “Chest… I think. Pressure. If I allowed it, it would become hard to breathe.” There was a pause.

“It’s unfair, you know?” Amelia blurted out unexpectedly. “It was nothing none of them did… none of us did. And yet… I get to live and they don’t. I get to walk around the ship issuing orders, seeing the ghosts of the faces they left behind… and yet… I was spared the pain. I mean, don’t get me wrong… I’m happy I did. I’m happy the people I care about the most are very much alive and well. But many people on this ship didn’t have the same luck, you know? And why? What for? What did they do?”

Renveer blinked in mild surprise at the sudden shift, but then proceeded to listen attentively as the Commander spoke, nodding in sympathy as she expressed her guilt. He didn’t move to interrupt at any point, allowing her train of thought to follow itself to its conclusion.

Amelia cleared her throat once more, mindlessly tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “I’ve been told that I should feel happy and grateful. And I am. But when I allow myself to feel it, I feel guilty… I feel like an impostor for even being here and not them.” Manning’s eyes momentarily held the Counselor’s gaze. “I cannot imagine what they are going through. And if I try–” Her voice faltered. Closing her eyes, she shook her head, trying to keep the images fabricated by her own mind at bay. “And then… I ask myself the same questions over and over again… Why? Why us? Why the Dresden? Why were we there and not a different ship?” Amelia’s expression grew angrier as a tear rolled silently down her cheek. “Why? I need an answer to that question and I know I will never have one. I guess…” She exhaled. “I guess that’s why I’ve been trying not to think about it… Because if I do, I’ll go crazy.” Another pause. “How can anyone live not knowing?”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer closed his eyes and shook his head slowly, his brow creased slightly. “I wish I had the answers for you, I really do. But Commander Manning, I’ll recommend that you focus on your autonomy in this situation. Maybe it’s not a matter of answering that question, but instead finding a different question to ask. If you need to ask why, ask why are you here now? Why were you put here among all these hurting people?”

“To be blunt, a surgeon does not ask themselves why their patient had heart failure instead of them. The surgeon asks what they can do for the person who had heart failure. I’m not a particularly spiritual person, Commander Manning, but I believe there is a power to be gained from considering the fact that maybe you are exactly where you need to be, for one reason or another.”

The counselor looked for Manning’s gaze as he spoke. “All this is to say, they are fortunate to have you in a state where you can hold this ship together. All of them would be much worse off if you hadn’t been able to provide some sort of normalcy and steady support. But as I said earlier, if you bottle up these feelings of guilt, they might lose you as an anchor. And then where would that leave this crew? Someone needs to be okay, and frankly it seems like the best case scenario is if that person is you.”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Amelia nodded. Renveer had a point. Well, of course he had a point… that was his job.

“I’m sorry… you’re right. It’s easy to get carried away…” She gave the Counselor an apologetical smile. “It’s like there’s a constant pressure in my chest, making my heart feel small. My insides twist every time I think about it all… and I feel helpless. I guess… I guess I am still trying to figure out what’s going on inside my own mind. I’ve listened to others for so long, but this is the first time I’m the one doing the talking… I’m sorry.” At a visible loss, Amelia wasn’t sure what else she could add. Taking another deep breath, this time more resolved, Manning nodded slightly almost as if she was convincing herself of something. “I will try my best to keep the focus on me, Counselor. So, going back, what can I do to cope with the situation?”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

“You have nothing to apologize for, Commander,” Renveer said with a shake of his head. “You don’t owe me any sort of reaction and you certainly don’t need to impress me. I want you to react however you feel inclined to, there is no wrong way to work through this. And it doesn’t have to be a fast process either. I’m trying to challenge some of the maladaptive cognitive thought processes that you may have built up around this situation, but emotions are often more powerful than reason, at least initially.”

Renveer felt the corners of his mouth twitch upwards at Manning’s question. “Well that’s not a question for me to answer, now is it? You certainly know yourself better than I do, especially at this point. You said that talking about it seems to be helping, so I’d encourage you to keep doing that, both with me and others. But as for other coping mechanisms, you tell me. What do you find helps you relax? What do you enjoy doing? It doesn’t have to be leisure. You mentioned that fulfilling your duties has helped the last couple months, so continue to do that. But when else do you notice that you feel more at ease?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer)

Amelia smiled softly at the Counselor’s reply. “I suppose so.” She chuckled nervously. “To be fair, keeping up with my duties on board the ship has helped putting off dealing with things instead of facing them. As far as what I do to relax… I talk to my husband during the evenings, but I have never shared the complete details with him. He’s back home in California, and there’s nothing he can do to help me. I don’t need to worry him more than he already is. Other than that, I enjoy a drink with Harris every once in a while, and I run a poker game every Tuesday evening. You’re welcome to join, if you feel like doing so.” Her lips broadened into a full smile. It was clear that she was a natural host. “I also keep up with my rowing practice in the holodeck, although on the Dresden, that’s a very lonely activity, as I haven’t found a rowing partner.” She sniffed slightly, before returning to a more neutral expression.

“Whenever I am with people, I tend to listen instead of talking… I don’t want to diminish their pain.” She paused. “I know that if I ask you how to talk instead of listening, you’re going to tell me that that’s your job.” Manning chuckled once more. “Maybe I did need a counseling session after all! Now… is sharing what happened the only way of dealing with it, or is there something to be said about waiting it out…? After all, they say that time heals every wound…”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer found himself smiling as Amelia spoke, caught not for the first time by the commanding officer’s natural charm. He uncrossed his legs, then recrossed them but with the opposite leg on top. He took a deep breath before responding. “A few things, if I may Commander. Firstly, I’d challenge you to give additional thought to the idea of allowing your husband to further support you through all of this. Those of us that care deeply for others, like yourself, tend to find great meaning in comforting people we care about and helping them shoulder their burdens, but often we’re bad at letting them do the same for us. If your husband is anything like you, I would imagine that he wants to be there for you and in fact withholding from him an opportunity to help you might be depriving you both of an important form of emotional intimacy, especially considering the distance currently between you. Will it hurt him to take some of the weight off your back? Yes. But in all likelihood he wants that burden, because he knows that it will be worth his personal sacrifice to help you.”

Yet again, the Counselor opened a different perspective over the issue that Amelia hadn’t considered before. She nodded softly, acknowledging his words. He was right, and she made a mental note to talk to Peter that evening.

“Secondly, I can’t say that I’ve had much experience with poker. But I will happily accept your invitation if you need someone else to clean out.” Renveer snickered. “Although… I do have professional training in non-verbal emotional cues, so maybe that’ll provide an advantage. Thirdly, you’re likely in much better shape than I, but I love anything involving water. So I’d love to give rowing a try, if you’d have me. Not to invite myself or anything, and of course we can keep our interactions more focused if you’d like. But I’d enjoy the chance to get to know you outside of this office and the bridge.”

“And lastly,” Renveer said with a deep breath of thought inhaled through his nose, “I’m always cautious of the ‘time heals all wounds’ saying. Yes, some things do take time. But they take time and effort. Sitting around waiting to feel better will never work as well as actively doing what you can to process the emotions and thoughts that are troubling you. But again, you’re doing that right now. And I hope we can continue to do that with regular sessions.”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

“There’s always space for another player for us to take credits from.” Manning chuckled slightly. “Now, in all seriousness, anyone can join, regardless of their poker skills. And I dare say with your training that you may prove to be a worthy opponent, Commander. I’d love to see you show up in one of our games.” Her smile widened and her eyes lit up. “And I would be delighted to show you the ins and outs of rowing. I promise I won’t go too hard on you.” Amelia laughed at her own comment. “My practice schedule varies but I usually do it during the early mornings. But I can make an exception if an early rise is not your strong suit.” The tiniest of smirks shaped Manning’s lips, as a different side of the Executive Officer showed ever so slightly. Some of her oldest friendships had been forged over her passion for rowing, and she was ecstatic to have the opportunity present itself once again.

Renveer smiled warmly. “Consider your invitation accepted, then. I tend to be a morning person, although I don’t usually feel as.... spry during the early hours of the day. I’m sure I can be the one to make an exception and adapt to your schedule, I don’t want to interrupt your routine! Just let me know when and where, and I will be there.”

“Now… you mentioned regular sessions. I am not opposed to them, but I am worried about what the crew may think if their first officer is having regular counseling sessions? How is that going to affect their trust that I am not in some less than ideal mental position in order for them to trust my actions?” She knew it may be a stupid question, but that had also been one of the reasons why she had not considered seeking help herself in the first place.

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer nodded and settled back in his chair a bit. “From my perspective, I am inclined to say that you would be setting a very important example for the other people on this ship. The Dresden has been without a counselor during a crucial period of mourning, and some of the crew may be jaded and mistrustful of me as a result. Your leadership will be important to get the junior officers in my door, I imagine.”

Manning nodded. Once again, a point of view she hadn’t considered.

“But,” Renveer said with a sigh, “I acknowledge that attending therapy is still, even in the 24th century, a stigmatized affair. And I want you to be comfortable as well. Maybe if we meet monthly? That way it’s still a regular affair, but not so common that assumptions are made. Unless you need more support, of course.” Renveer stopped and collected his thoughts for a moment. “What I mean to say is, we should meet as often or as little as you need. I am here to support you, not to play politics.” His tone was a little harder at the end, but it was only because he was trying to get the point across that their sessions, no matter their frequency, should be about Amelia and her needs.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Amelia chuckled softly. “I never meant to imply otherwise. I’m sorry if that was what it looked like. I’m just trying to look out for the crew as well.” The smile kept playing on her lips. “I think you have a fair point about setting an example. And I also don’t think that I am in such a dire need of support that I would need to take up more of your time than necessary.” There was a brief pause. “I will speak to my husband, and let him fill in a bigger role. I know he’s worried, and I think you’re right. And I think monthly visits are a good start, with maybe the possibility of increasing them or decreasing them as you and I see fit.” Manning’s smile twisted every so slightly into a gentle smirk. “In the meantime, I look forward to introduce you to the wonderful sport that is rowing.” She grinned. “How would this Thursday, at 0600, in Holodeck 3 work for you?”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer pulled up his PaDD and quickly reviewed his schedule (just in case) before smiling at Amelia. “That works perfectly for me! I will be there, and I’ll make sure to make an appointment with the replicator to make myself some suitable attire. I’m also going to add a note in my calendar to stretch Wednesday night,” he said with a smirk.

The counselor rose from his chair and smoothed the from of his uniform, inclining his head to the executive officer. “Thank you, again, for coming to see me today. I appreciate the initiative and I hope I’ve communicated how impressed I am with your efforts to keep the crew intact despite everything. I look forward to working with you to continue to address their concerns, as well as your own.” The corners of his eyes crinkled in a small smile.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

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