Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Issac Forgrave (Chief of Security) in Somewhere in the Corridors (tag Issac Forgrave)

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Issac Forgrave (Chief of Security) in Somewhere in the Corridors (tag Issac Forgrave)

Posted by Captain Molly Holloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Somewhere in the Corridors (tag Issac Forgrave)
Posted by… suppressed (2) by the Post Ghost! 👻
<SNIP>
Leaning back slightly to be able to look at Forgrave, Molly looked at the Security officer with a surprised expression. There was a pause as she seemed to process the unexpected questions. Forgrave hadn’t been the first to express concern for her well being on the previous week and it made her wonder how visible it really was. Whether or not there was a toll someone could only physically take until it showed to the outside world how broken someone really was.

Issac stepped back within the booth, emptying his hands and leaning on the wall almost casually; from this position, he could see Holloway as she spoke. Suddenly, this conversation was more important than shooting practice to him.

“That’s my usual training program, if that’s what you’re getting at.” Holloway finally replied before examining the results of her last round of shots. “I’ve had it since my first posting. The difficulty though… I didn’t program it. And I certainly I wasn’t trying to…” Her voice trailed off and she sighed. Her shoulders slumped slightly.

Issac remained quiet as Holloway spoke; content to listen. He didn’t want to interrupt and derail her story.

“I had a run in on the holodeck a few months ago… where I ended up in Sickbay with a spear through my right leg. That was self destruction. I bumped it all the way to maximum difficulty… never really had used those settings before. I wasn’t expecting the safeties to be off but honestly… I was kind of hoping they would.”

That musta been the previous incident that Reyes was talkin’ about… He noted the phrase ”…kind of hoping they would” with concern, but let her continue.

Holloway set the target distance 5 meters further than her previous mark. She shrugged before continuing. “I was referred to counseling. At the time we had a new Counselor on board… I don’t think we really clicked… She decided that it was in my best interest if some of the difficulty levels of my program were locked away from me temporarily. Unfortunately that includes level 6… the one I usually train at. And yes. Safeties are on, and it’s perfectly safe. Been doing it for several years, and never had any issues.” Holloway shook her head. “Sleep doesn’t come easy since–” She stopped abruptly, almost as if she suddenly realized all she had shared already. “I needed something to distract myself. The lower levels are useless, and the counselor that locked the program is gone. So I thought I’d try to bypass her codes and see where it lead me. That must have been what triggered the intruder alert.” Molly shot Forgrave an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. I never meant for you and Jo’han to be caught in the middle of it all. And I certainly never meant for you to get hurt.” She paused, pondering for a moment. “And yes, if you’re wondering why I told you all of this, it’s because I think you deserved an explanation. Thank my sister for that.” Holloway didn’t seem entirely pleased.

Turning to the now farther away target, Holloway checked her earmuffs and her eye protection before firing two shots. The third didn’t come as her weapon ran out of ammunition. Muttering under her breath something about being an airhead, she expediently reloaded her handgun and fired her last shot of the round.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Issac remained silent for a bit, digesting what Holloway had shared. He didn’t return to shooting however; choosing instead to remain leaning against the wall of the booth.

“I know you hadn’t intended for me an Jo’han to get involved, Ma’am; I got no doubts on that, and I appreciate yer apology. And if I get the chance, I will thank yer sister; seems like she might be a good influence.” Issac paused, uncertainty on his face; not sure how to continue.

Placing her own weapon down and moving to where she could see Forgrave, Molly smiled softly. “I guess. I’ll make sure to pass it along.”

“But I guess I wern’t quite meaning to ask what you were doin’ in the holodeck; more… why?” Searching for the right phrasing, Forgrave fidgeted with a spent casing momentarily before continuing. “I don’ think ‘being bored’ really explains someone spending all night trying to hack into the holodeck, but maybe ‘sleep not coming easy,’ as you put it, touches the issue.”

A quizzical eyebrow raised, as Holloway wondered what point the Security officer was trying to make.

Issac moved his hands into a defensive position as he clarified his perspective. “I ain’t asking you ta spill yer guts to me or nothin; and like I said, I sure ain’t a counselor. But if any member of the crew was doin’ what you seem to be set on… I’d be concerned about them. I know I’m fairly new to this crew, and while I hold expectations of my leadership, perfection ain’t one of them. But I do ask that ya try to take a look at what yer doing to yourself. If not for your own sake, think of the crew that depends on you.”

Think of the crew that depends on you. Molly wasn’t someone that was easily embarrassed by her actions. However, Forgrave’s words made her feel ashamed. He was right. She should have known better. She hadn’t gotten where she was today by spending her time in the holodeck and ignoring the medical advice of the ship she was on.

Issac started fidgeting with the casing again; this time in a unusual display of nervousness. He wasn’t much of one for speeches, and his off-the-cuff admonishment of his superior officer hadn’t been carried by anger this time. “I don’t quite know what I’m asking of ya ma’am, but I don’t think what you’ve been doing is working.”

Ensign Issac Forgrave, Security

“Neither do I…” The words left her lips before she could stop them, and they ended up sounding slightly more wistful than what she had intended. “You’re right. I need to think about the crew.” She chuckled lightly. “What’s funny is that I have told that same piece of advice to several members of the crew in different occasions, but apparently never listened to my own words.” Molly scoffed slightly more in disbelief than anything else.

“Speaking from experience, it’s all too easy to get suck inside yer own head.” Issac’s face twisted into an odd expression; a combination of grin and grimace at some unknown memory. “And once you’re there… It ain’t easy to uh, un-stuck yourself. Outside perspective helps. And if there ain’t no-one there to help… things can go bad.”

“I have come to realize that we all have a breaking point.” Holloway said after a pause. “And I think I found mine… the last few missions have not been easy… and they certainly left their mark.” She shrugged. “We are never really taught how to deal with certain things… At the Farm, they care about making sure you’re resilient and that you won’t blabber information to the wrong people, even if under the hardest of conditions. But they never really tell you about the mental strain that comes afterwards nor how to exactly deal with it. You’ve done your job, so they are happy. Whether you’re happy or not, that’s not their problem. They will just move you along to the next assignment… And if you go around talking to people about a classified mission, then you might very well be out of a job.” Holloway shrugged. “You were not tough enough… or the job took a toll on you… it’s funny, because I’m sure that if they were out there dealing with some of the most vicious species in the galaxy, it would also take a toll on them!” Molly shook her head. “They are just as worthless as Starfleet Command.” The more she spoke, the angrier her words sounds, until the last came out more as a mutter than anything else.

Turning people into tools… and trashing them once they break. Issac idly wondered how much StarFleet Intelligence had to answer for - how many agents were left in the lurch? Issac could maybe justify some of that - the universe was no utopia. But on the whole, the casual disregard for the well-being of supposedly good agents sat poorly with him.

Looking back to her holographic Hackathorn Special laying inside her small booth, and back at Forgrave, Molly shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just dump everything on you. It’s not your fault. It’s just that I joined Starfleet because I believed in it, and the more years go by, the more I convince myself that it was a mistake. I’ll probably never make it to Admiral. Most likely will end up working for my uncle designing starship weapons. If he lets me, that is…” She chuckled quietly at her own words before shrugging again. “You mentioned earlier you had joined Starfleet after your father died…? If you don’t mind me asking… why Starfleet? Why not something else?”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

“Eh, I did ask; think it’d be… poor taste, I suppose; for me to complain about it. After all, wasn’t asking just to hear myself chatter.”

Issac listened with interest to Molly’s dissatisfaction or was it disillusion? with StarFleet, as well as the mention of a family business. Holloway… related to the shipyard, maybe? Issac wasn’t sure; and he decided not to ask for now.

“Why StarFleet? Not a bad question…” Issac’s mind drifted back a few years as he contemplated the question. “I guess it wasn’t completely out of the blue; one of my sisters joined out of high school - she’s out on an exploration ship somewhere, working as a xenobiologist. Ha, mom wasn’t a fan, but Keira ain’t one to change her mind once it’s set.”

“I’d say I had a solid plan ‘fore da died; and like I mentioned earlier, once he passed, I was left basically holding the bag. And my ‘plan’ was… useless.” Issac’s jaw clenched in lingering frustration and anger, and he fiddled with the brass casing as he sought the right words. “I was… angry. And confused. Hurt. I was working during the day, trying to figure out what to do; and… drinking the rest of the time. Wasn’t long before ‘rest of the time’ turned into ‘all of the time’.” He was quiet for a moment, anger fading into shame.

“Well, after a while of that, I ended up getting my ass kicked; somewhat literally, somewhat metaphorically. Much as I didn’t enjoy it at the time, it was what I needed to get my head out of my ass; if you’ll pardon me. Realized I needed ta do something different. After I sobered up, a conversation I had with Keira about StarFleet kept bouncin’ around my head, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t sound appealing.” Issac scoffed; though at nothing in particular.

“Sold the business and applied to the Academy about as fast as I could tie up any loose ends. Starting over sounded mighty nice to me. I felt I needed to get away from the business; and North Carolina. Just being there was.... painful; and it was easy to justify shipping off. I think that was the main draw; bein’ able to start fresh. And bein’ part of ‘something greater than myself,’ as cliche as the phrase is. I needed that - someone depending on me to do my job. As strange as it is, owning the shop gave me too much freedom; at that time in my life, I wanted structure, and I felt StarFleet was as good a place as any to get that.”

Issac let out a deep sigh before finishing his story. “I ain’t gonna lie and say my time in StarFleet’s been perfect; but on the whole I think it was the right call. I don’t regret it, at least. I wanted purpose and structure, and I think I’ve found that so far.”

Ensign Issac Forgrave, Security

“Purpose and structure…” The words left Molly’s lips almost in a sigh as her mind drifted to her days at C.A. Riley.

“Your sister is a xenobiologist?” Holloway asked with interests as she seemed to come back to reality. “My sister is a xenobotanist.” She smiled. “She was just offered a position at the Federation’s Science Council after a couple of years gallivanting around the galaxy. But she prefers firm ground than the blackness of the void.” Molly chuckled, but the joy didn’t reach her eyes. It was as if her mind was still wondering through Forgrave’s last sentence.

“Yeah; can’t remember what ship she’s on for the life of me…” An embarrassed expression came over Issac’s face at the admission. “Can’t say we talk all that much, and when we do, she usually talks about more specific things; what she’s working on at the moment and whatnot. Her focus is non-sapient xeno lifeforms; she sure seems to like it.”

“You definitely came to the right place if you wanted structure.” Molly finally said. “But don’t delude yourself as far as purpose is concerned.” She paused, thoughtful. “Don’t get me wrong. Most missions have a purpose. Oftentimes a humanitarian one even, where you get the feeling that you’re doing something for the greater good of all of us. But then one day…” She shook her head. “… you are promoted to Captain and get your own ship. Your own command. You get to sit on the center chair and do what many people would die for…” Her gaze met Forgrave’s. “The universe is your oyster and you go. And then you realize that Starfleet is nothing more than a big marketing stunt. They send you off to do their bidding… and even though their bidding seems to fill some greater purpose, it is often just a political stunt to carry on the political agenda of some Admiral trying to get higher in their career.”

Not that yer jaded or anything… Issac wisely kept his mouth shut as the thought whispered through his mind.

Holloway shrugged. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer.” She smiled apologetically. “Maybe my personal experience made me too cynical and too skeptical… I hope you never lose your purpose, Forgrave. And I hope Starfleet ends up being everything you imagine it to be. Just be weary, that’s all.” Molly paused again, but it was clear that there was something else in her mind.

“Eh, yer speaking from experience; I think we’d both like to hope that’s atypical. I ain’t been in long enough to say.” After a pause, he continued. “But back then; and right now I suppose, I don’t think I’m looking for any deep purpose.” A contemplative expression crossed Forgrave’s face.

“Maybe it ain’t the… StarFleet Approved answer, but on the whole, I focus on the Dresden and her crew. Way I see it, as a security officer, my job is to keep the crew safe, first and foremost. Situations might come up where I’m given other priorities, but… I keep my focus small. StarFleet and the Federation have their goals; and on the whole I agree with their… mission statements. But I don’t have any interest in the politics and stuff; I’d just as soon leave all that to someone else.” He shrugged. “Maybe that’s naive of me. Hell, I’m sure it is. But I ain’t so naive as to think StarFleet or the Federation’s infallible; mistake by committee’s just as easy as mistake by individual. And only a fool would think anything so large as them is completely altruistic; no matter what the press might say.”

“I don’t expect my views will earn me any favor from on high, but that don’t bother me. I got no grand goals of admiralty or anything like that. Right now, helping to keep the crew and ship safe is enough for me. No tellin’ what lies in my future; and there ain’t much sense in me worrying about it now either. I’ve got my own beliefs and desires, and I’ll trust in myself to keep true to ‘em. Being honest to myself is more important than whatever ‘favor’ I could earn otherwise.” Issac didn’t quite spit the word ‘favor’ out, but there was more vitriol in it than he had perhaps originally intended.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Holloway asked after mulling for a moment. “If you don’t mind… It’s probably going to sound strange but I think you’re the only person I’ve met that has been in this particular situation. You mentioned drinking. What made you start and what does it take to stop?” Her eyes widened suddenly as she realized exactly how her question could be misunderstood. “Not… Not that I…” Holloway waved her hands frantically. “Not that I have a drinking problem… I don’t. I don’t drink.” She said nervously. “And again, you don’t have to reply if you don’t want to. It’s just… I happen to know someone and I am just trying to understand.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

“Happen to know someone, eh?” Issac’s eyebrows rose with the question, but he didn’t pursue it further. “Well, I won’t pry on that. But my recommendation would be to direct them to a counselor; though that may be easier said than done.” And I’ll keep an eye out, too.

Easier said than done. The words echoed in Molly’s mind. In her case it was downright impossible.

“Won’t say I’m… keen on sharing that part of my past, but… if it could help, I’ll hit the highlights. Such as they are.”

“There was nothin’ that made me start; other than myself. Before dad died, I was a casual drinker - a beer in the evenings and whatnot. Afterwords, well, I was stressed, to put it mildly. Quickly figured out that when I was drunk, I wasn’t as stressed; I didn’t care any more; time just passed me by. So a bit, became more.”

“With hindsight, I don’t think that was my goal to start with; just something my brain put together. And for what it’s worth, I was mindful of what I was doing, somewhat. Never drove drunk or nothing; walked most everywhere. Just… kept to myself, for the most part.” Issac sighed deeply before continuing. “Course, even if I felt like I was alone, I wasn’t. And one afternoon, my cousin and I got in a fight. The details don’t matter, but long story short I found myself in legal trouble over it. Thankfully, nothing major, but that and the fallout was enough to… ‘wake me up,’ I guess you could say. Started seeing a therapist, quit drinking. I hadn’t really realized what I was doing; that ain’t to say I wasn’t responsible - I damn well was. Everything I did was a choice I’d made.” A pause, before clarifying - “Better way to say that is that I hadn’t realized the damage I was doing.”

“And I guess that’s part of what got me out of it. Personal Responsibility. I’d gotten myself into that situation, and it was up to me - not anyone else - to resolve it. Not that I didn’t ask for help; void knows I did. Still do, sometimes. But I came to the idea that I needed something… more than myself to uh, work towards, I suppose. Purpose; like I said before. I know that the crew relies on me to do my job; not that imperfection on my end means failure - just that… my role here has me looking beyond myself; to others.”

“With all that, I can only speak for myself, of course. My past may not translate to someone else; which is where a counselor or therapist comes in - my understanding is that the root cause has to be addressed. I was looking for an escape of some sort, and lacking in purpose. I felt I had nothing to work for or towards. And with StarFleet, external discipline and structure has been… conducive to my internal discipline and structure. I think now, that’s less vital to me; I’ve gotten a solid routine these days, but it’s… comforting, I suppose. That was… not a good time in my life. I’m still working through it, but I feel I know what I need to do, and how to do it.”

“I uh, don’t know if that’s what you were looking for. I think a counselor would be better able to answer what you were looking for, but… that’s my experience, I guess. Main thing was the realization that I had to change. Past that, it was figuring out how to change. Neither’s easy.”

“If you’re trying to.... help someone, I think your best option would to be understanding of them, and be willing to work with them. But in my mind, people can’t change unless they want to. A counselor can help with that, but it falls back to the individual. And them’s just my personal thoughts; don’t mean there’s no exceptions or different situations. No two people are the same.”

“Not that I’m any kind of expert, but if yer feeling.... let down, by StarFleet, maybe try shrinking your focus, at least temporarily. Worry about what’s in front of you, instead of things that have… less of an impact; or that you can’t control. Or I guess talk to a counselor. But if you’ll pardon me saying so, trading sleep for the holodeck is… a bad idea. Alcohol ain’t the only thing you can get addicted to.” Issac carefully kept his face blank, though his voice was earnest; if quiet. He didn’t want Holloway to feel that she was being judged; he was well aware of her… combative personality.

Ensign Issac Forgrave, Security

Molly smiled softly. “Thank you. That actually helped. It’s not me. I never drank a day in my life… well… that’s not entirely true.” She chuckled. “I can count by the fingers of one hand the amount of times I’ve drunk. My dad was the one I have been trying to understand.” Holloway paused for a moment. “Alas… nothing can be done for him anymore… but… everyone that comes into Starfleet seems to have a perfect service record. And you mentioned it, so I thought your insight could add something into an issue I can’t really understand…” She stopped again, clearly immersed in her own mind. “How could anyone choose to lose their self control is beyond me.”

Issac gently shook his head. “Ain’t no-one perfect. Only thing you can do is be the best you can; and that means different things to different people. And what you can do is different from one day to the next. And as far as loosing self control…” Issac’s face took on an uncomfortable grimace as he considered his words.
“I’ll stand by my words of everything bein’ a choice. Don’t mean that it’s easy to choose something else… But I can imagine there’s been a time or two where you might have wished that a choice wasn’t put upon ya. That you coulda had a way to throw off your responsibility, at least for a bit.”

Finally, Holloway scoffed. She knew what he was trying to get at. “I wish I was trading sleep for the holodeck. I wish it was that easy.” She shot Forgrave a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Instead, I’m trading sleep for an overactive mind and things that happened not so long ago. The holodeck is just a way to try to forget them. Much like drinking, I guess. As you said, time just passes me by… and the pain makes me know I’m here and that I am awake. Sleep only comes when I’m exhausted these days… and when I’m not, it’s becoming harder and harder to distinguish what is now and what is past.” Molly’s words had been uttered almost as if she had been talking to herself. Deep in her own train of thought. Until she turned to face the Security officer. “Has that ever happened to you?” Her expression was of genuine confusion, as to whether she wasn’t sure what she had been experiencing was common for a lot of people, or whether it was something more serious.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

“Yea, I suppose so. I think escapism has it’s place… Like I mentioned, I wern’t in a good place after my da died. Sleep didn’t come easy for me then either. Lack of sleep makes everything harder; including keeping track of things. I think it can turn into some sort of vicious cycle; if you let it. I know I said it before, but.... If that’s what you’re dealing with, I’d encourage you to talk to a counselor. The crew relies on you, ya know? And you can’t do your part if you’re bombed out. Physically or mentally.”

Ensign Issac Forgrave, Security

Bump; though I’m on LOA so take it with a grain of salt…

“I guess you’re right.”

Coming out of Molly’s mouth, the words were a rare occurrence. “When you’re in my line of work, it is easy to feel like you’re not needed. I sit and listen. That’s what I do. But I guess you’re right.” She scoffed. “Look at me, agreeing that I should see a counselor. Who would have guessed this day would come?” Molly chuckled before becoming more serious again. “Thank you for listening. Seriously. It’s easy to isolate yourself from the rest of the crew and sometimes all you need is a listening ear. I appreciate it.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “I went for the Security track at the Academy because I thought I was going to kick bad guys in the face, and let’s face it… it’s not like I’m any good at any of the other three divisions.” Holloway chuckled once again. “And while that wasn’t true for the most part, your duties as an Ensign are very much security focused. You know, patrols, surveillance… so on and so forth. It wasn’t until I was made Security Chief that I realized how much of the job is to listen to your Ensigns and support them. The same goes for being the Captain of a ship.” Molly smiled. “I meant what I told you earlier. You’ll be a great Chief of Security, and I’m sure you’ll be a great Captain one day, if you decide to go through that route.” She paused again. “So… I noticed you were doing your own practice. What weapon do you have there?” Holloway changed the subject motioning to Forgrave’s weapon with her chin.

Capt. Holloway, CIO