Earth. 24 months previous.

“…I’ve given up everything I ever had because everyone else always needed me to…”

“…You can’t expect me to just uproot my entire life based on your childish desire to see the stars…”

“…What about Cai? Are you going to uproot him too? He’s finally starting to settle down…”

“…Hardly! He was suspended for spray painting the gymnasium wall with the answers to his maths final. Before the exam! You think that’s settling down!?…”

”Can’t we just talk about this? Just Talk Doug…”

”…what’s the point? You’ve already decided.”

Willow sucked in a breath of the conditioned air and closed her eyes against the memory of the last time she had stood in the apartment some ten days ago. The last conversation between herself and the man she thought she had loved, nothing but loud, angry, heated words that seemed etched now forever in her brain. Indignation, hurt, fear all of these had caused her to spin on her heels and march away from him. Not that she had anywhere to go. Work, the apartment, those were really her only go to places and one was now a hotbed of emotion and argument. The other a place of sickness, staring people… cadets! Instead, Willow had gone to a bar. And for the first time in nearly ten years gotten utterly, completely and totally wasted. Most unbecoming of a newly re-promoted starship captain. Fortunately, she had chosen the local well and so no one of importance had taken notice.

Sometime as the sun was just beginning to rise she stumbled back to the apartment hoping to find him in bed, to curl up against his warm sleeping form and burry her aching head into his back and just hold him. They would talk it out in the morning and find some way to make this work. She had leaned on the open door frame and stared at the empty undisturbed bed. Her source of warmth was not where she wanted him to bed or needed him to be. Even in her drunken state the meaning of his Absence was like a knife twisting somewhere deep inside her chest. She tripped and made her way clumsily to the bed. Failing as she tried to lower herself gracefully onto it. It felt cold and unyielding somehow. She curled up on her side and sobbed into the blankets, twisting them in her fingers as the combination of alcohol and exhaustion took her to sleep.

Less time than she would have liked later something kicked her back to consciousness. Her face was pressed against the shaggy roughness of the bedroom carpet, blankets in a tangle around her. Groaning at the assault, she opened her eyes and immediately regretted her actions as the light went off like a supernova in her head. Scrambling upwards from her prone position she shoved past the smaller obstacle in the form of a blue haired teenager and wretched violently in the bathroom for a few minutes.

“Oh yeah, great role model you are.” The sarcastic tone of her brother cut through the air like a whip.

“Not now Cai.” She muttered wiping her mouth shakily with the back of her hand. “I just…I can’t do this right now ok.”

“You couldn’t have given me more licence to drink if you’d put the bottle in my hand.”

“If I catch you and your friends drinking I’ll ground your sorry ass from now till you die.” She muttered weakly

“Pfff,” he scoffed, “whatever. Doug went to work last night after you stormed out and didn’t come home, in case you missed it in your stupor.”

Her heart clenched painfully for a beat at his words. She swallowed a lump that seemed to travel down her throat and rest in her recoiling stomach like some sort of heavy stone. “Go get me a coffee or go away.” She groaned hugging the toilet as another wave of nausea overcame her.

“Do I look like your bartender? I’m going out. Don’t bother waiting up.” He rolled his eyes at her and flicked his blue hair out of his eyes with a shake of his head.

Willow scowled as a thought struck her “you’re not going anywhere. Hey! Get back here! We need to…to…pack…to find Doug…the shuttle leaves the day after tomorrow!”

“Yeah. Doug isn’t going and neither am I. Screw your shuttle.” Without looking back Cai slouched off towards the front door.

“Cai!” Willow yelled after him though it came out as more of a groan. She watched him go, the swish of the front door not quiet the slam of teen angst of old but just as effective at cutting their exchange off. A deep sigh escaped her as she put her forehead down on the cool surface of the toilet. Silently the sigh became a sob, tears running down her face. The stillness of the empty apartment far from being a balm on her booming headache became suffocating. Pressing like hands restricting the air to her lungs, she pulled her legs up under her and wrapped her arms around her knees. Sliding sideways as she gasped. She lay on the floor until the panic attack passed and then…shakily got to her feet. If she couldn’t regain control of herself, how could she possibly hope to command a starship again.

Time, or lack thereof, had a tendency to act as the ultimate motivator in sorting things out. In Seven hours Willow had managed to cure her hangover, pack all her essentials, fight a second and third argument with a returned Cai, try in vein to find Doug in person and by call, repack (for once was never satisfactory) and both pack and repack for Cai (who had point blank refused to do either). He hadn’t come home. She had gone to his office, he was no where to be found. And when she did finally find him he had acted, indifferent. Stating only he didn’t want to fight about it at work. But still he had t come home…and now…

…Now she stood in the somewhat emptier apartment, alone once again. Time had run out on the clock. While the bulk of her possessions remained, for there had not been enough time to arrange for their transportation, the dwelling had lost it’s warm, homely feel. Almost as if it had been tied to her relationship with Doug and over the last short few days as she lay awake hoping, needing him to come home, the warmth and love had drained slowly from the space. A washed out grey version of life that once had colour.

She folded the old fashioned paper in her hand and fought hard not to clench it. Doug liked the old fashioned things. The place was full of antiques and he had a large collection of ink and paper books. Something she had found endearing… now it felt almost poetic. Had she written her goodbye to him on a PaDD it would stay somewhere forever. Even if he deleted it, somewhere it would be retrievable. Whereas this… she rubbed the crease between her fingers… this would slowly decay and become nothing, just like their love. Doug had not come home, not called… just not been. Like he had already removed himself from her life. So much unsaid, but his actions spoke volumes.

She looked at the letter and placed it gently standing up on the unfolded edge on his desk, finger trailing as she let it go. The desk lamp glinted on the ring on her finger and for a moment she froze staring at it. Her right hand began to twist it off and she reached to drop it by the letter but her fingers wouldn’t let go. Instead she clenched her hand into a fist with the ring at the Center and turned away heading for the door.

Star-base - Willows Temporary office, present day

Cai hadn’t spoken to her for the full five day trek to the Starbase where she ironically now sat, watching the ship she had left it all for being dismantled. She sighed and thought back to the argument between them both in the promenade where she had recently ‘held court’ where he had broken his vow of silence because she had taken away his ear buds. And even that had only been to swear at her and demand them back.

She sighed again and rolled her engagement ring around the palm of her hand. Had this all been worth it? Or was she now like Alice, finding that her trip to wonderland as not quite as wonderful as she had remembered it being in her younger years.

Her crew were scattered across the base waiting for the new ship to arrive. Those who had been newly assigned had arrived to find her acting like the queen of hearts under the influence of some thing not the best impression, Cai really still wasn’t talking to her…months down the line and what did she have to show for it. No real friends, a growing number of panic attacks she was trying to keep under control, a brother who did not speak to her and a technically ex-fiancé who had not responded to her and still wouldn’t answer her calls. Her heart clenched at the idea that maybe he had moved on, was living his life without her, and that it was her fault. She took a slow measured breath and ran her hand over her face not daring to glance at the subspace call she was currently on.

It had become almost habit now that she put in a call that he ignored once every so often. Same routine, same floating caduceus symbol that ultimately asked her to leave yet another message for the calls intended recipient. It came as a great surprise then, when she looked at the screen and found herself instead face to face with the slightly longer light coloured hair, beard and blue eyes of said ex-fiancé. She blinked. How long had he been watching her foray into her memory.

She felt the heat rush up to her face, blurred out, “Oh! Ferengi balls!!” And immediately ended the transmission.

Willow Taylor
CO