Posted by Ensign Chloe Kendrick (Nurse) in Between The Buried And Me - Nathan’s Quarters

Spartan was most likely what anyone would call Nathan’s quarters as he entered them. He hadn’t arrived more than two hours onto the Outpost, but it had already become one of his top ten worst days of his life. Irony was that almost all of the top ten days had only happened in the past year, to the day in fact. Taking a large breath Nathan looked around as he nodded silently to himself. He had a large family quarters, four bedrooms of empty space that seemed like haunted memories as he looked around at his new surroundings.

To the right of the entrance the few things he had brought had been stacked up, three boxes and a duffel bag. Seeing as the Loki had never been to him home, he never brought a lot with him. For Nathan his childhood home he had grown to hate as a child became a beacon of love as he shared his life with Chloe. That world though had been shattered in the past year, or longer if Chloe had a chance to tell her side. Choices made that set worlds aflame created a chasm that neither seemed to be able to cross. No life between Nathan and Chloe now felt more like living ghosts passing and fading as the world moved on around them.

“Computer… dim the lights 40%…” came Nathan’s request as he moved the bag from the top of the boxes as he began opening up the boxes as he searched for the treasure he needed most in this moment. The clink of glass on glass was the sign he had gotten to what he needed, as he pulled out the bottle of Grecken 72, far less in than there was a few months ago as he grabbed the soul glass he had brought with him as he walked over to the couch as he flopped in. This time the springs felt firm and new, time would change that as the bottle got more and more empty.

Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to eternities. That is what it felt at least to Nathan as he stared at the dark empty walls, the scars of his past seemed to follow him everywhere and the barrenness of the room seemed to fuel his sorrow as every burning drop he drank seemed to force away all emotions he kept, bottled inside like his own dark secret that would never be opened. To open that bottle might shatter everything else around Nathan, and he could only shatter so much before nothing was left and a husk was all that remained.

Nathan Harland

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Two days later.......
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A home was made up of two things: scents and sounds. When one arrived home from an extended trip, you knew it based on inhaling the air when you stepped into the room. Things like the occupant’s perfume or cologne often soaked into the fabrics on a couch, chair, or bedding. The air might carry traces of lavender, vanilla or spices from candles burned to change the ambiance of the room. Foods enjoyed by the individuals often left their scents to seep into the walls and counters of the eating area. All of this combined to make the individuals entering feel like a soft blanket was draped over their shoulders. Sounds were the second part of knowing you were home. For families, it allowed the individual entering to know whether they were walking into a war zone or the idyllic dream they signed up for. Still crying toddlers, laughing children, or rambunctious preteens screaming pew pew as they ran through the house all signified life in a home. Nathan’s quarters contained none of this.

As Chloe entered the quarters she stood in the doorway letting her eyes adjust to the lighting and the deafening silence contained between the four walls. It was so low the room seemed almost black. Not having the ability to see however did not mean Chloe was unable to gauge what was going on in the room. Inhaling deeply she knew exactly who lived here and for how long. The cloying scent of bleach and a gym locker room vied for the top position in her senses. The bleach and antiseptic scent came from the cleaning crews who prepared the room for its next occupants scrubbing all remanents of those peoples lives from the space. The locker room fragrance came from someone who had not showered due to either a sporting event or from someone on a bender that simply did not care. Choe knew it was the latter and scanned the room until she found what she was looking for. Sprawled on the couch was Nathan with one hand slung over the back cushions and one leg half falling off the couch. On the floor beside him was an empty bottle. Chloe knew there would be no stain on the carpet because it was drained long before it left his hand.

A knot filled her throat seeing him like that but she did not have the strength to fix him even if she wanted to, not today of all days. Raising a hand to her nose she closed her eyes focusing all her energy on remaining standing. If she gave in and joined her husband by lying in a crumpled pile on the floor of the dark representation of hell he had created here, Chloe would never be able to get up. Sniffing back her nose she ran her fingers through her hair and headed to the kitchen area. She did not care about the tears that slipped from her eyes. Her cheeks had been stained with them since she had awoken that day. More would fall: there was no reason to wipe them away.

Her hands shook as she replicated all the foods she needed. She had to get through this simple task but the simplicity of it was what tore at her soul the most. One year ago today the day started the same with breakfast. Only the end was what had changed. From that moment forward in her life, there were no giggles of roughhousing as Saturday holotoons played with Nate announcing it was time for breakfast and to get to the table. Using the knife she began to dice and chop all the things she needed into bite-sized pieces. She could have replicated this but it was good to stay busy and complete tasks that had beginnings and ends. At least that is what every counselor had told her since January of last year. The chopping of the onion echoed like a heartbeat in the room cutting through the silence with a dull clack clack as it left the soft flesh of the vegetable and encountered the hard surface of the counter. As the tears fell down her cheeks Chloe felt a small sick smile cross her lips as she realized she had no idea if it was from the syn-ropanethial-S-oxide of the onion or the memories that refused to leave her head causing her to cry. Peppers, onions, tomatoes, and mushrooms were tossed in a pan and as they began to sautee among hunks of crumbled up sausage to add flavor. Chloe whipped up three eggs, began to toast the bread, and started several slices of thick-cut bacon to cook. The more she prepared the more she wanted to cook. What was supposed to be a simple meal was turning out to be something far grander than she planned.

Chloe Kendrick

Stirrings of life could be heard from the couch as Nathan’s slumber began to be broken from the sounds and smells of life that began to permeate throughout his home. Slow and carefully eyes began to blink into awareness as he moved like a bear coming up from their hibernation. The smell seemed to startle Nathan more than the sounds, as it was a scent he had smelt more than once in his life, from countless mornings as he woke to Chloe and her hangover treatments. The reality was had little to do with any true treatment, the grease soothed the soul as the mind processed the absence of everything the alcohol drained from you. Cause in the end that was all a hangover was, your body’s reaction to a loss and making sure you knew just how angry it was that you took away from it what it needed most.

Still, smells aside as Nathan got erect he couldn’t help but feel a sense of confusion wash over him. His eyes blurred, but the smell wasn’t the only oddity before him as the silhouette of Chloe shaped and grew in front of him as he tried to wipe away the regret and guilt from his eyes. The truth was despite all these sights and smells of his paste Nathan was acutely aware this wasn’t how it should be. Never had he lived with Chloe in a Starfleet home, sterile and gray as if the Federation was afraid to have a personality or an opinion.

The sounds of cushions crunching indicated life in some form was returning to the couch. It would have been absorbed in the abyss of darkness if Chloe wasn’t listening for it. Her body tensed. Every instinct told her to stop what she was doing and leave. They had spent so many days in this position: staring at the others back or locking gazes as cruel actions and heartless words were slung like arrows between them like to enemies on a battlefield destined to never die. Opening and closing her fist several times helped her focus her energy in not running away. Tomorrow she could run to the farthest reaches of the universe but not today. “I made breakfast,” was the first thing she said shattering the silence between them. Her voice echoed in the room like it came from an amplifier causing her to wince slightly. The mundaneness of her words caused her eyes to well up. The lids filling in an unstoppable rush she would never contain so Chloe did not try. Calvin’s words to her blared in her mind like a klaxon. No one really cares if it doesn’t affect them so give them something to believe that will ease their discomfort in the situation.

“Hmmmm.” came a low grunt of acknowledgement as Nathan felt more of the world come back to him as his eyelids began to feel less and less heavy.

Living as a wife and mother had taught her to do this effortlessly. Nathan might be able to pick apart anyone across the desk opening them up raw yet she was not his patient. She was his soon to be ex-wife. Like all husband’s this meant Nathan was just a mere mortal and only saw what he wanted to most of the time. “How are…you feeling?” These four words had to be forced out of her throat like a splinter lodged deeply under the skin. It was painful causing Chloe to bit her lip hard to stop the shaking in her voice. “Think you…can eat…something?” Five words this time and it was becoming easier. At least the physical act of forming words. Nathan would know how hard the day was but he would accept her causal lie.

“I.. . I am perfectly fine doll face.” Nathan said with a small forced smile, a lie and deceit if there ever was one, but one he had grown so used to over the years. The truth was Nathan had grown to have a strictly professional relationship with deceit over the years, with benefits. It was deceit that forced him to see patients and smile as he felt it all crumble around him, it was the deceit that forced him to live with the lie this big, cause the truth could obliterate them. No Nathan had grown to learn to love the deceit, cause it let the guilt become more bearable as he found ways to live and told lies so big that Congress was in the corner taking notes.

Nathan Harland

“I hate cooking with onions. Nasty things.” Six words carefully chosen to appear as if they were having a conversation and to explain why she was wiping her face as she turned to face him and set the table.

Nathan said nothing as he pushed off the couch, grabbing the bottle as he placed it back on the table before slowly making his way to the table.

As Nathan approached the table, Chloe saw nothing but emptiness in his eyes. It was not unsurprising or unexpected but nonetheless it was shocking to see him this way. “Liar,” she said setting the plate piled high with an omelet, bacon, toast, and hashbrowns at the table. “So when,” she cleared her throat from the ball of phlegm lodged there, “did you start lying…to the rest of the world,” she asked turning to make coffee and get him some juice. The last part was a veiled attempt at civility. It was so hard not to slip into the pattern of the last year.

Chloe

“What do you want from me Chlo Bell?” Nathan asked as he looked down at the plate, smiling ever so slightly as the sight brought so many memories to them. “Did you wanna see me as a mess?” he added as he looked up, whatever sentiment the food had giving him seemed to quickly vanish. “Come to remind me of all the horrible things I did? Not that I really need help remembering… though I do try so very hard to forget.” he said with a slight nod in the direction of the empty bottle that stood on this table.

“I know…” he said softly, she didn’t have to ever remind him, she was well aware he knew what day it was. He could never forget, God’s little accursed creature he was. “And no, you didn’t make this that day… there was grits not hash browns… semantics I know…” Nathan said as he took a bite as he all the memories came flooded, it was in fact exactly one year ago today, and in thirteen minutes everything Chloe and Nathan held dear would be crushed and torn.

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Martha’s Vineyard - One Year Ago
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“Slow down Maddie, take Mara’s hand when you guys walk past the street it’s super slick.” Nathan said as he smiled as his two girls fully dressed in winter garb slowly walked across the street. Only 1 and 3, they were certainly small as their older brother Logan seemed to taunt them from across the road as he was never going to be last.

“Nathan what are you doing? They can’t cross the street by themselves. Logan,” Chloe yelled in a huff taking out her frustration on her oldest. “Get your sisters,” she pointed adjusting her scarf.

“Why it is not like there is a vehicle coming,” he threw up his hands.

“Watch your mouth or you will sit in the house and not come,” she threatened as she watched Logan trudge back to grab Maddie and Mara’s hand.

“Did you get all the food?” Nathan asked Chloe as he closed the door behind him, himself carrying several pair of ice skates draped around his shoulder looking some lost and found for them as he smiled softly at Chloe.

“What,” she said looking at her husband before softening her tone a touch. “Yes,” she said lifting the small bag she was carrying.

“Okay okay… just checking doll face.” Nathan said as he leaned in to kiss her cheek before turning his eyes back to their kids. Winter was for kids such a magical time, anything could happen once snow was on the ground. Mara was so young but the newness of it all wasn’t lost on her as she carefully let her sister guide her.

Nathan Harland

“You know I don’t know why we are doing this actually outside Nathan,” she moaned moving down the steps following her to the small pond outside of the house. Although they were on the water, the pond was put in years ago before any of them lived here. It was large enough to sport fishing and ducks but not big enough for a boat or even swimming. The depth of it was what made it impressive. In the center, it was almost twenty feet because of the surrounding water table.

“Cause, everything is better when it’s outside… food, fun, sex… everything.” he said with a playful wink as he looked back over at the kids as they walked wanting to make certain no one was pulling hair or attacking someone yet.

“Daddy,” Maddie squealed flopping back in the snow drift moving her hands up and down and her feet in and forth, “I am making you an angel. Watch me. Watch me,” she demanded. Mara was too young to follow her sister’s lead but bounced up and down in a little dance not sure what Maddie was doing.

“That’s pretty baby!” Nathan said, though half really paying any attention as he put his scarf around his neck. He couldn’t deny it was maybe too cold to really do this, but they only had some many chances in the year, and he hated to waste the few times he was home to do it.

“Maddie, come on,” Logan growled leaning down to grab her hand. “Mom said we only can skate for an hour and you are wasting time.” His sister always slowed him down especially when it came to spending time with his dad doing something they planned.

Chloe opened her mouth to reply as her personal communicator began to chime. “Logan…Maddie…hello,” Chloe’s frustration level began to peak. Having Nate home had been a huge help and he would be gone in less than a week which meant it was back to this situation of spinning her wheels in the snowdrift all over again. “Hi, Bev. No, we are....Logan stop pulling on her hand. Maddie, get up. Sorry what did you say,” she tried to both talk to her friend and manage the kids at the same time.

“I got them doll face, I’ll be right here.” Nathan said as he patted her softly on her back as he walked over to the kids letting Chloe take her call. “Logan stop pestering Maddie…” Nathan said, it seemed like Logan could only pick on his sisters lately. Being the only be in a house of four when Nathan was a way had to be hard. He could only imagine having only having sisters and mom’s to play with.

“Dad she won’t get up and mom said we had one hour. One and she is wasting it,” Logan, although five, he was still a kid and at times became frustrated by kid things no matter how much he wanted to show his dad how grown up he was. “Ben showed me how to skate forward but I wanted you to teach me how to skate backward. I worked so hard and now I am not going to get the chance.” The whine in Logan’s voice was appropriate for his age and the situation. He knew Nathan was going to teach him how to skate this holiday. They had talked about it for weeks before Christmas which was why Logan worked so hard learning to stand up straight and not fall. This way he and his dad could do all the fun things they talked about like playing hockey.

“Stop pulling me,” Maddie began to yell back. “Daddy wants to make angels.”

Chloe

“We can make snow angels for a few minutes Logan, how about I help you get your shoes on.” Nathan said as he took them off his shoulder and laid the stack down, “and then we make a few angels before we get on the ice?”

“But I want to skate. I worked so hard and,” Logan walked next to his father.

“It’s called compromise, you’re gonna need to learn it when you get older to deal with women.” Nathan said as he couldn’t help but chuckle at his own joke before grabbing his son’s pair of shoes as he nodded for him to follow him to the bench by the pond. “Maddie watch Mara, make you don’t let her wander too far.” Nathan said before sitting down as he let Logan plop next to him as he began prying his shoes off.

Nathan Harland

“Watch me daddy,” Maddie yelled standing up and falling back in another spot.

“You are just doing the same thing Madeline,” Logan stuck his tongue out at her. “Do something different and then he will look,” his son suggested. “What is comp promising Daddy,” he asked looking at Nathan. If Nathan told Logan he wanted to discuss the latest news on spacing lanes and how it affects colony moons and Logan would have agreed to that topic.

Still on the phone, Chloe let out a bubble of laughter. This was not odd in itself except that she had been in a witchy mood the entire time until now. From the moment they decided to do this she had complained about the temperature, the time involved, the fact only Logan could skate, and why was the whole family coming to something not everyone could participate in. The laughter was so happy it felt almost foreign to the situation.

“Compromising is when two people trying to find shared interest, no one gets everything they want but everyone gets at least a little bit of what they want. You want to skate, Maddie wants to make angels. We can do both if we try, we just have to compromise.”

“Mommy watch me” Maddie yelled out looking over at Chloe who was completely tuning her out.

“She is on the phone. You know the rule. Leave her alone when she is on the phone,” Logan chastised his sister.

“She is always on the phone,” Maddie said in a semi-sad tone drawing in the snow with a mittened hand that resemebled a club. The lines were thic an blurry not being able to tell if she was making a face or a flower. Taking a deep breath she shook it off before flopping back and calling out for Nathan to watch her.

“Why you are still just doing the same thing,” he threw a snowball at his sister as his father tightened the laces on his skates.

“I am not doing the same thing over and over. This is different. Ben showed me how to make a fat one by rolling side to side,” she yelled rolling side to side in the snow. “Are you watching daddy,” she hollered again.

“Ben? Who’s Ben?” Nathan asked as he looked at Maddie with a quizzical look as she kept doing the snow angels. “We don’t know any Ben’s.”

“We do too. He is mommy’s friend,” Nate’s second-oldest chimed in helpfully. “Ben likes popcorn during movies just like you but he loves pistachio ice cream. I think it smells funny,” she giggled.

Seeing an opportunity to grab Nate’s attention, Logan immediately jumped in to explain. “Ben is mommy’s friend. He comes around a lot when you are away to help mommy do things?”

“Does he now?” Nathan said in a low tone as his temperament changed as he looked over at his wife, who couldn’t be bothered as they stood to try and come spend time with them all. Nathan only got certain times of the year to come home, and seeing as she always refused to come to the Loki he took his small precious time back on Earth very serious.

Chloe glanced over to her family in the snow and let out a deep sigh. Nate was helping with getting on the skates as the girls mulled around in the snow. At one time she would have been tossing snowballs and they would have been tackling each other in drifts but that was a long time ago. At least Nate was happy. She couldn’t see his face as he tied Logan’s shoes but when he was home he was devoted to his kids and her when she let him.

“What else does Ben help you do?” Nathan said as he turned his attention to Logan as he finished tying the laces on his skates, perhaps a little too tight as he did so while waiting for an answer to his question.

Logan wiggled his toes testing the fit. He was ready to ask his dad to loosen the skate some but it happened. His father was smiling at him and right now paying attention only to him and asking him a question.

Beaming Logan smiled up at Nathan. So many times he was given the big kid jobs like carrying in items from the vehicle or helping his dad fix something around the house. The way his dad looked at him made Logan feel so important. It was the way Nathan was looking at him right now with a quizzical expression saying wow I didn’t know you could do that. “He helps us with homework and makes homemade pizzas. It is good but I love it when you order Dominoes. Dominoes is better but Ben’s belly buster is not that bad except when he put on spinach and tried to tell us it was little leaves.” Logan let out a laugh shaking his head much like Chloe did when Nate was teasing her. “He took us out on his boat a few times and picked us up when the car broke down one time,” Logan said as Nathan finished up his other skate.

“Oh Ben sounds just so swell.” Nathan said through gritted teeth and pulsing anger as he tried to keep calm, but felt his mind racing. So many scenes and images kept coming to him over the past year. Abrupt endings to calls at home, last years New Years party were he couldn’t find Chloe expect leaving and some guy oddly close behind her. She had said it was nothing but it wasn’t the only pairing of events that hadn’t always felt right.

“He is but I like you better,” Maddie lobbed a snowball at Logan and her Daddy. It did not come close and fell almost on her leg instead of traveling the four feet to her brother and father. Scowling she crossed her arms in a pout. “Daddy can you teach me to make a snowball,” she asked cocking her head to the side.

Until now, Nathan felt like perhaps he was just jealous of missed time. When he rejoined Starfleet and she refused to come there was little he could do. He made a vow to the Federation and couldn’t just step away without fulfilling his vow. This left him so little time at home he often washed away these stomach-churning feelings as nothing more than jealous feelings more of wanting every minute with his family, not of much else.

While dancing in place at first was fun, Mara quickly was losing interest. Looking around she spied Nathan and then Chloe. “Mah mah,” she said in that breathy tone all children used when learning to speak. It always got attention and love from grandma and grandpa when she did it. There was no reason it shouldn’t work now. Pointing at Chloe she repeated the words but this time pointed a mittened hand in Chloe’s direction.

Chloe

“Look Logan go take a few laps around the pond, you have gotten so good you don’t need me holding your hand all the time. Just let me make sure Mara is okay buddy and I will get my skates on too.” Nathan said as he pulled Logan close as he kissed the top of his sons head before heading over to swoop Mara before she could go too far.’

“Okay but I can tell you more about Ben if you need me to,” he had a serious expression on his face. Somehow the man to man talk they started seemed to be ending and part of Logan didn’t want it to. Logan was having a grown-up conversation with his dad right now which is something his dad never did with Maddie or Mara. It made him feel special like when Nate reminded Logan he was the man of the house and to help mommy at the end of each call. Right now he was going to help his daddy and it made Logan almost burst with pride. “Like the time he took us to the zoo because I had the project on elephants. Remember you helped me write it every night for a week over the comms. I needed pictures so when Ben came over for dinner he read the report we wrote. then he said real pictures were better than ones someone else took. I knew you wanted me to get an A so it was a team effort,” Logan pulled at his hand to make Nathan look at him and not his sister. His mom was just over there. There was no reason she couldn’t watch the girls.

“But I am not that good. I need you to hold my hand. Ben only taught me to go forward,” Logan looked up almost pleadingly at his father. Now it was his turn to show his father how good he was at something. Maddie could suck eggs. As soon as his Dad saw how fast he could go, his Dad would be on the ice with him. Sisters were pains but his mommy was there and soon she would watch Maddie and Mara so he and his Dad could put on a show for them. As Logan stepped onto the ice his mind filled with images of his mom and sisters cheering from the bench as he and Nathan raced back and forth across the pond.

“You are more than good enough I promise, I will be right there just need to make certain everything is okay.” Nathan said as he stepped aside from his son as he held onto his youngest.

Logan moved to the edge of the ice and put on skate on the slippery surface. Glancing back at his parents, his mom was still on her phone and his Dad was not slathering love on the drooling beast. Mara was fine but she always got the most hugs and cuddles because she couldn’t walk and had to be carried a lot. His daddy was a lot of fun and often told Logan how much fun he had with him because they could do things the girls couldn’t or didn’t want to do. They planned last night when he tucked Logan into bed just such an activity. His mom hated the sport called curling. Logan did too but when his dad put it on the holo she got so funny yelling about how dumb the sport was. Curled up under the covers Logan an his dad planned to put on a two-man curling show just to get mommy to giggle.

“Now what did you think you were gonna get into munchkin?” he said as he started to tickle attacks on her tummy as he teased her to try and get her to feel part of the family day.”

“Dah Dah Dah,” Mara let out a squeal of laughter before starting to kiss her Dad’s cheek.

“Daddy are you watching,” Maddie yelled sitting up in the snow. “I don’t think you are watching. You are playing with Mara,” she accused him in a matter of fact tone.

“Logan,” Chloe waved at him to come back to the shore as she finished up her call. “Wait for your father. Nate,” she pointed at Logan and then began to walk in slow circles ending her call.

“Yes Maddie I see the angels!” Nathan said a little more loud than perhaps intended as he took a deep breath. “Okay… let’s… let’s start over try it again.”

Nathan Harland

Part of Chloe felt happy watching Nate struggle to deal with three kids that simultaneously wanted his attention. It was hard when they outnumbered you but at least having him here made the odds better. She could tell he was getting on edge. It was a normal part of parenting to become flustered when they didn’t give you a second to gather even the simplest thought. Still, he was here for only a few more days and after New Year’s Eve, Chloe didn’t want to rock the boat any more than it was already wobbling.

“How is my snow bunny,” Chloe came up behind Nathan taking their youngest in her arms. ‘What are we starting over,” she asked Maddie bouncing Mara on her hip.

“Who the heck is Ben?” Nathan asked as he stared down Chloe intently as she took Mara in her arms. It wasn’t the most subtle way to ask but right now all the air seemed to have left and all Nathan could feel was a quiet empty numbness as his surroundings seemed to fade and blur and nothing but her face stared back at him.

“Ben,” she said the name slow drawing it out like she needed to locate it in the Rolodex of memory. This ploy wouldn’t last for long. She had to hug the truth. “Oh Ben,” she let her voice rise but focused all her attention on Mara like the name was insignificant. “He is just a neighbor.” Her response was so casual. As if Nathan should have slapped his forehead with his palm reciting the ‘that Ben’ suddenly feeling like an idiot for not remembering the guy. Her actions might be casual as she rubbed her nose to Mara’s bring a smile to the baby’s face, yet her insides were a twisted knot. The kiss at her mom’s New Year party a few days ago was still a sore point and if Nathan put together that guy and Ben were the same, things could get ugly fast.

“I think we should start the fire and get ready to roast some marshmallows,” Chloe looked at Maddie with a grin.

“No I think you should answer the darn question that’s what I think.” Nathan said as pointed at her, his anger pushing to the surface as he knew no truth would come at first from her. She never wanted to give Nathan lately any real answer. “Who was on the phone? Answer me Chloe now!” Nathan shouted, a shout so loud the birds seemed to scatter from the dead snow covered trees as he looked her square in her eyes waiting for that shotgun blast he knew was coming, he had always knew it was coming.

Nathan Harland

Mara stopped laughing and looked at her daddy. Rarely if ever did he use this voice. Only when she was about to touch the stove or try to go down steps by herself did he growl like this. Laying her head on Chloe’s shoulder she stared up at her Dad with large green eyes. “Not now,” she said looking at Maddie. She was looking everywhere but Nathan at the moment.

“Mommy I’m doing it. Curlers,” Logan yelled raising his hands above his head.

“Daddy will you teach me to skate,” Maddie asked sitting in the snow and covering her legs like it was sand instead of frozen water.

“Not now Logan,” she called out suddenly fighting to keep a hold of the slippery sateen fabric baby who no longer wanted to be held but back down in the snow. Mara raised her hands so that the fabric slipped against Chloe’s coat offering no resistance. Chloe needed the resistance though. She needed a physical shield between her and Nate. They had spats like all married people but it never blew up unless they were alone. “Mara stop,” Chloe said sharply as the baby fought to get to the ground next to her sister. Bouncing her up on her hip elicited a whine from Mara. It was the wrong direction the baby wanted to go in and Mara was just as stubborn as Chloe at times.

“She can play with me mommy,” Maddie offered helpfully.

“No its too cold for her,” Chloe snapped. “Mara stop,” she struggled with the small child who was wiggling so much if Chloe didn’t put her down, she could feasible drop her.

Of all the kids Logan was beginning to see something was wrong. His dad was using his discipline voice. It was sharp and nothing ever good came when you heard that tone. His mom seemed distracted and his dad’s gestures were so sharp and stiff. They had to be fighting again but about what. “Dad am I doing it right,” Logan called out as he turned his body to the edge of the pond and started skating backward to the middle instead of sticking to the edges as his father had told him.

Chloe

Nathan took a large breath as he looked back at Logan, his blood was boiling and it was taking much to control his bubbling rage.

“Yes, baby. You are doing fine,” Chloe’s voice started to catch as she answered her son. She had to regain control of the situation. The time would come for this conversation but not now, not today. “Nathan I was on the phone with Beverly Green. I promise you. She has that charity auction in Feb,” she started feeling the world start to spin as Nathan shut her out. Nothing she was saying was going to steer him off his course of action even if she had been on the phone with Beverly, this time. Reaching out tentatively she laid her fingers on his elbow before the woolen fabric was jerked from her touch.

He wasn’t sure how much more static noise all around him he could take. All Nathan could feel the sensation of drowning as all seemed to be sinking. “Ben…” Nathan said as he looked over at Maddie then back to Logan. “He about this tall?” Nathan said as he placed his hand just below his chin.

“Nathan STOP,” Chloe yelled sharply. How did the day go downhill this badly in under five minutes, ten? Her stomach dropped as he placed his body between Chloe and her children. She stood stunned for a second not sure whether to go right or left. Instead, she focused on the one person that could stop this. “Madeline Anne Harland. Come here,” Chloe snapped moving to the right to get around Nathan’s body. It was not that her husband was preventing her from getting to the kids but he was stopping her ability to send them a look to stop talking.

“He have short brown hair, dark green eyes? Sharp jaw with those rosy cheeks almost?” Nathan said as he tuned out the sounds coming from Chloe and focused solely on his two children before him.

Maddie looked at her dad and nodded. Why everyone seemed to be getting grumpy about Uncle Ben confused her a lot. Maybe they were talking about someone else. She watched as her mom came around to stand by her daddy again.

Turning back to Chloe, Nathan looked deep in her eyes with his icy blue stare as it became cold and dark as he didn’t blink once. “Maddie seems to know the description if I recall correctly… and you know I am seldom wrong with my memory… I just described Benjamin Perkins, that nephew for that crypt keeper of an Admiral of my fleet, you remember him right? He came to the Congress ball my cousin invited us to last year. He was also the one from the New Years Eve party… you left the back with a large smile I hadn’t seen in quite some time” Nathan said.

“She is three. She has no idea what you are talking about. I was talking to Beverly,” Chloe said moving her hand to her back pocket where her communicator was. “Do you want me to call her back?” Chloe felt like throwing up. The pit she had fallen into was slowly turning into a sinkhole. There was no closing this pandora’s box but maybe she could control what he saw in the box. “Hey”, Chloe yelled as he snatched the telecom device Chloe had put back in her pocket as he brought it out.

Maddie let out a deep breath. She had no idea who her Daddy was talking about so maybe if she showed him, Ben, they wouldn’t be so mad. Uncle Ben wore jeans and sweatshirts like her daddy. He didn’t dress at all like Uncle Francis in his suits or daddy in his uniform. “Mommy has pictures of Ben on her phone if you want to see him. Show him, mommy,” she encouraged her mom and then her dad not sure who she should be talking to or obeying.

“Oh does she Maddie? You have been the most helpful today doll.” Nathan said as he turned back as he knelt down on the ground as she came over. “You remember mom’s password right…”

“Madeline stah,” Chloe yelled sharply trying to grab her phone from Nathan as he lifted his arm batting hers away.

“Silence!” Nathan said as he looked back at Chloe his tone becoming more unhinged as he looked back at Maddie, his face seeming to twist almost as he tried all he could to keep calm as he handed the communicator to her. “She lets you play all those games, I know she does… unlock it for me doll.” Nathan said softly as he handed the communicator to Maddie .

Maddie pulled off a glove and typed in the code. It was easy to remember. It was 6,9,1,2 which was all their birthdays.

“No. Madeline give it to me,” she stuck her hand out staring down her daughter.

“Daddy,” she said looked up at him not sure why everyone seemed mad at her right now.

Her face seemed worried and scared as she looked back and forth between Chloe and Nathan, children always wanted to please both parents. This though was a moment where she couldn’t please both as she nodded softly as a single tear begin to fall as she tried to keep quiet before she gave the communicator back before running back away towards Logan. The silence around then seemed to almost become palpable as Nathan stood back up as he looked at Chloe.

Chloe watched her daughter run full speed towards Logan at the edge of the pond. Her gaze went blurry as she stared through the scene of her children at some far off point. She had no idea what she was going to do now that her mini human shields were gone. Children were so good at keeping adults polite when they were ready to tear each other from limb to limb. Now she had to face her husband alone.

“What am I going to find Clo?” was all he asked, the screen was clearly open, he could search if he wished. Instead he stared in that silence as not even crickets seemed to be chirping.

Her gaze moved to the screen and the image of the five of them in front of the Christmas tree. It was the image of a picture-perfect family. It was a lie of a perfect life. She had no response to her husband. If he was looking for sordid images there probably were quite a few hidden away in the hundreds of pictures she stored in her phone or in the messages between her and Ben; however lewd images were not the worst you could see of someone at times. There were far more images of Ben in place of Nathan during Saturday picnics, candid shots, and sporting events. In a way, these could almost be more damaging than a single image of something he should only see as her husband.

“What am I going to find CHLOE!” shouted Nathan.

“Things you shouldn’t” was her only reply. His reply was more visceral as he threw the communicator with all his might at their house as a shatter of glass and metal could be heard as the impact destroyed the device as Nathan began to pace running his hands through his long hair.

Nathan Harland

“You left me…alone with all of this,” she gestured about. “You made a vow to me on our wedding day to always be with me and you broke that,” she stabbed a finger at his chest, “when you decided to skip out and join Starfleet,” she immediately began to defend her position.

“I never left… you stayed… big difference.” Nathan countered, as he felt the air escaping from his lungs as the cold seemed to steal every ounce of strength he had.

“I got lonely,” she yelled until her throat hurt. “I am sorry but I told you I didn’t think I could do it?”

“And that means you gotta whore yourself out? You could have come… I had a family suite ready for everyone… I was never going to do this without my family. You know how stupid I looked asking for a family suite only to have them ask me to give it up if my family was never going to show up?” Nathan said as he took a deep gulp as the memory came back.

The humiliation had been so sharp as the XO came to him after a few months on the Loki. Sitting as he was asked did I think they would be coming maybe in a week or month at most. Having no real answers left Nathan with little reason to keep such large quarters as he had to move everything. Boxes upon boxes of items he bought just for his wife and kids for rooms they would never use. Gifts he hoped to bring smiles to the ones he loved most discarded away like unwanted memories.

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Logan and Maddie
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“Logan,” Maddie reached out to put her arms around her brother. The Harland children were typical children that squabbled and fought but they also did really love each other. With their daddy gone, Maddie often went to Logan when she was sad or needed help.

Instead of hugging his sister, Logan put his hands up blocking her. “What did you do? I know you started this.” He was so angry he wanted to hit her.

“I didn’t do anything,” she sobbed harder. “Daddy wanted to know what Ben looked like. Then Mommy started to cry,” she explained between sniffs as tears and snot began to make her cheeks and nose redder as they froze on her face.

“You made mommy cry,” he yelled at her face. “Why would you do that?” Now it was making sense. His Daddy hated it when Mommy cried. It always made his grumpy and then he often would get gruff with him and Maddie as a result. This wasn’t the first time mommy cried. This wasn’t the first time Daddy ordered him and Maddie to go to their rooms for doing nothing at all.

“I don’t know,” she sobbed taking a step towards him again with her hands up. Maddie just needed Logan to hold her and tell her it was going to be okay. Mommy’s cries were so loud and Daddy had never screamed like this before.

Suddenly he came up with an idea. “You know the rule. If you are mean to someone you say you are sorry. Go fix this before we have to go inside or you make Daddy leave,” he glared at her before skating away. Maddie had ruined everything. If she hadn’t kept whining about her angels, his dad would have been on the ice with him and none of this would have happened.

“Lowwww gahhhhn,” she sobbed standing still in the snow.

“Go say you are sorry,” he threw a snowball at her from the soft snow that had accumulated on the surface of the pond ice. The sounds of his parents fighting seemed to echoed in his ears as Logan skated as far away as he could not to hear their angry voices. If Maddie made Daddy made enough to leave like he did last summer he would never forgive his sister.

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Nathan and Chloe
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“And that makes it better? That’s rich, you knew there was nothing there. I would think when she got married to another woman would rule out anything remotely hinky between us. But no you had to keep insulting Doctor Keller, she left my practice cause you were jealous over a woman that never wanted me for one second. We did amazing work, the last real work I ever got to do… and then my dad takes me in…” Nathan said as he stopped, bringing in his father wasn’t going to make his mood any better.

“Maybe I wanted something better! Did you ever think of that? No you had to be just like my family, stuck up and self centered. It’s why I hate this part of the world… everyone too worried about their designer dog or how much prozac they can take to get through the day than to have any real self worth. The woman who followed a stranger to a ball park died long ago… yet I had to pretend she was still living and everything was perfect.” Nathan countered as he shouted louder with each topic she tried to bring up to pin on him.

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Logan and Maddie
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Maddie looked over at her parents as the tears continued to fall. She had no idea what to say sorry for or to who. If Maddie didn’t mean what she was apologizing for, she would have to go sit in the corner. This would require all of them to go inside and then Logan would be madder at her. It was all so scary and confusing but she had to do something. Suddenly she remembered the flowers. Sometimes after mommy and daddy got mad at each other he would give her flowers. In the middle of winter, there was only one place to get flowers. Running to the other edge of the pond, Maddie hoped this would make things better. If she got flowers then mommy would say they were pretty and everyone would be happy again.

Chloe

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Nathan and Chloe
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“Mommie!” came a sound from behind them as Nathan and Chloe turned to hear what the commotion was. In that simply word everything seemed to change, the silence cracked as Nathan saw Maddie and Logan running across the pond, flowers tight in his daughters grip as Nathan’s mind began to switch gears. No longer did it matter what Chloe had said or did, the center of the ice wasn’t safe, Logan should have known this but now the pair were running as if it was no big deal. Stomping of little feet cracking and bending the ice underneath.

“No!” Nathan shouted as he began running towards the pond leaving Chloe where she stood as he began to make his way to his children, fearing each second as he raced t get to the children.

As the kids watched, it would seem less of an angry father and more of one trying to play, least Logan hoped as he let go of his sisters hand. “Daddy watch watch!” Logan shouted as he smiled wide, his father wasn’t going. He was coming to see them both, it wasn’t ever as bad as it seemed.

Nathan Harland