Posted by Ensign Chloe Harland (Nurse) in Location Unknown - Miracle On Ice

Posted by Lieutenant Nathan Harland (Counselor) in Location Unknown - Miracle On Ice

Posted by Ensign Chloe Harland (Nurse) in Location Unknown - Miracle On Ice
Posted by… suppressed (6) by the Post Ghost! 👻

https://www.star-fleet.com/core/stf3/outpost42/posts/143832/

Moving past Mara’s room, Chloe ignored that her youngest daughter was now awake and looking for someone to come get her. Nate could do it. She needed some space from him. Now that she was up and moving, Nathan would want to work on packing up the house for the move to the Loki. There was no way she was leaving, not now. Nathan talked and talked about how he needed his family with him but not once did he seem to think about Maddie needing someone with her.

Nathan came to Mara’s door as he opened it up to find his munchkin waddling to him. “There’s daddy’s baby,” Nathan said as he leaned down to pick her up. “How you always getting out of your bed. I need to add titanium walls to that,” he said as he kissed her cheek as he made raspberries.

“Come on, let’s get you dressed we have your play date today, your cousins are coming over.” Nathan said as he put her down in the chair as he began to rummage through her dresser.

“My ‘nough,” she said looking at Nathan as he began to dig out a shirt and pants for her.

“I know baby… they steal your toys you don’t have to remind me.” Nathan said as he same back as he lifted her up and sat down as he began to remove her from her onesie. “Tell you what, pinch Zak and tell Molly he started it. She always liked you. You need to be good for Molly though, she is helping mommy when she visits and you need to not attack them with your nerf guns.”

“My ‘nough Daddy,” she said again sitting up in the process of Nathan trying to dress her. Putting up her hands she pushed down the shirt he was trying to get over her head. “Mara ‘nough,” she repeated looking at him with a scowl. Of all Nathan’s children, only Mara seemed to be obsessed with the nerf foam guns they had laying around the house. Logan, Zak, and Cindy always tried to act like she was too little to play which annoyed Mara to no end. The last time they tried it she bit Zak which earned her a session in the cool-down chair. At least this time her Dad had agreed to pinch as a form of protest. Mara just wanted confirmation that her Daddy was going ot make sure everyone knew it was her nerf gun and not anyone else’s.

“Okay… maybe you can attack Cindy, she does like to scream a lot… might as well give her something to scream about,” he said as he winked at her as he began slipping the sweater over her head. It was still early March and that meant cold winds.

Mara pulled at the neck of the sweater before flopping back on the table in a highly dramatic fashion. She hated the itchy sweaters that her preschool insisted they wear. “Off me,” she said in a highly dramatic tone and threw a hand over her face as if she were a damsel in distress for emphasis.

“Logan get dressed…now,” Chloe pulled a uniform out of the basket of clothes that had been washed and folded but never put away. “I’m taking you to school.” Moving around the room. Chloe grabbed the lunch boxes and began tossing in random food: A couple of pieces of fruit, a bag of chips. some cookies, and a packaged drink pouch. Zipping it up she crammed it into one backpack and then the other before sliding her purse on her other arm.

Chloe’s head pounded and her hands were shaking slightly. It was not due to the fight but her need to take her medication. Part of her liked this edgy feeling of her heart racing and decreased ability to get a full breath. It was something physical she could feel besides the emptiness that seemed to be her constant state of being now. Nathan would be down at some point to make sure she took what he had prescribed her but that was never enough to deaden all the pain she felt right now. Popping open a jar from one of the cabinets, Chloe swallowed two of the tramadol she took to supplement the Prozac washing it down with a glass of water. “Logan…move it,” she snapped grabbing her keys off the table. Maybe Nathan was right. Maybe moving about the day was the key. The tramadol was starting to take the edge off her jitters. Chloe felt a rush as the opioid began to dull the fiery anger that had bubbled over this morning. Moving to the garage, with Logan in tow, Chloe felt a wave of euphoria and a false sense of well-being. Nathan was right. Given time life would get back to some semblance of normalcy. Opening the car door, Chloe looked down at Logan. Being the oldest at times she forgot how little he still was at five years old. “Hop in chief,” she smiled at him. Turning around she yelled on autopilot for Maddie. The sound of her daughter’s name being spoken was like a gut punch shattering the illusion she had let herself slip into. Looking down at her hand, Chloe realized she had not only picked up Logan’s backpack but Maddies. Her hand began to shake as Chloe felt all the air get sucked out of her lungs. She froze unable to move or speak. The crushing sense of loss swelled over her like a wave at the ocean drowning her.

Nathan had gotten Mara in the car as he looked to the side and could see Chloe as she seemed to be having a panic attack. These had been common, but he knew he needed to be there when they happened.

Chloe looked at Nathan as her chest heaved and her fingers turned white gripping the backpack that did not have an owner.

“Okay… I need you to take deep breaths.” Nathan said as he came away from the hover minivan as he put his hands around her.

Chloe held on to him for a long second digging her nails into his arm. She could not inhale. It felt like she was drowning even though the room was full of air. The sensation spiraled into her thinking about Maddie’s last minutes when her daughter fought to breathe but could not find anything but water. Her knees buckled and she felt her legs go watery. If Nathan had not been holding her, Chloe would have collapsed like a heap onto the floor. Just as the world began to grow spin Chloe sucked in her first breath letting a gasping sound echo in the garage. She blocked out all sounds except for the sound of Nathan’s voice. She struggled to match her ability to inhale and exhale as he talked to her slow and in a soft tone. There was no way she was ever going to survive this without him.

“Breath, it’s going to pass,”

“Ev…ev…everything reminds me of her,” Chloe sobbed on his chest. “I can’t....do…anything.” Each confession bubbled out of her mouth between a gasp of air trying to fill her lungs.

“We can’t feel this pain forever… God I hope we can’t…all I can now is pray it feels and that… it just feels hollow.” Nathan admitted as he kept his arms around her as he let her rest her head on his chest.

Chloe didn’t move and just let Nathan hold her as she matched her breathing to the rise and fall of his chest. The world slipped away as she felt his heart beat on the side of her cheek. The next few minutes they stood in silence just being still with one another. They were not two separate people but one as her pulse settled into a rhythm with his as did her breathing. This is what she needed and what had been missing over the past month. Every day her family showed up. Every day his father called. Every day there were well-wishers calling or leaving things at their house trying to help. What Chloe and Nathan needed was to be left alone. Nathan had spiraled on Cestus and only got pulled from the darkness when Chloe arrived and they could shut the world out. Without the help of their families, she and Nathan were stronger because they had to rely on each other.

“I love you,” she said softly as he stroked her hair now that the moment had passed. “Never forget that Nate. It just hurts so bad and I am so mad but I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m sorry,” she looked up at him rising on her toes. As her lips touched his a faint hint of an emotion other than anger and despair flickered. Chloe was not ready to let it become something she felt she was allowed to feel yet but it was there.

“I love you too, always,” he said, knowing he would. It was strange, he had every reason to abandon or flee but he knew in his heart she and his family made him stronger, and he couldn’t throw away the love and life he had built for the years they had been together.

Now - En Route to Teller Industries Medical Facility

“I think back to those weeks after her death, I should have stayed… maybe told you the truth… perhaps forced your hand harder… I should have seen the signs. It was all there, you were hurt more than me cause you had zero hope. My hope was slim, bordering on zero, but there was still something even if faint. My desire to push to find a way to be a miracle worker was so hard. I began to resent my faith a bit… if God could bring his son back from the dead why couldn’t I bring my daughter? Those old dusty catholic lessons seemed to taunt me as everyone told me it was God’s plan. God didn’t have a plan from where I stood, he abandoned us and it was my job to work… and that work began to tear us further apart.” Nathan knew in his heart he could have saved his wife from her despair if he had just been better. That at least was the lie he always told himself. The truth was he was far too broken himself, and all his work on Maddie was all that kept him from losing what little grasp on his sanity he had.

Harland, CNS

6 Months Ago, Location Unkown

Nathan had been set up at OP 42 for a few months, spending time there and the planet’s surface as Nathan had begun his attempt to become a miracle worker.

“What are the results from Patient 13?” Nathan asked as he moved over to the Bolian medical staffer as he grabbed the PaDD from him.

“Results look promising. There seems to be some new activity but we won’t know for certain if we should increase dozes.” J’lin said as he looked through the window at the patient. The man looked like they had been in bad shape, there were murmurs that this person had been a victim of Aedan Teller. Someone was under an impression he used to work for him, even rumors of the man attacking Aedan’s wife. No one knew for certain though, much like many of the patients that showed up as test subjects. All had waivers of course, up and up, but many of the waivers always seemed to be suspect if they were legit.

“Good… I need to take off for a moment. I am supposed to read Mara her bedtime story, give me a second to go to my office.” Nathan said as he handed back the PaDD to the man as he began to move aside as he walked past a room that held the name M. Harland written across as he stopped for a moment as he put his hands on the lettering. He wanted to go in but knew he would be late if he didn’t keep pushing. Every moment he spent in that room cause him to break down.

Getting in his office Nathan sat as he began to call, pressing waiting for Chloe to pick up. This moment he dreaded, every time it felt like they were at odds, and it wasn’t getting better. He had recently gotten the divorce papers from her, a shock that had hit him harder than he knew how to handle but he couldn’t give up on Chloe or his kids. He had come so far, he couldn’t just end it.

Nathan Harland, CNS

The call came through and the first thing he noticed was Mara’s face far to close to the screen already kissing the image of Nathan’s face. “Daddy,” she squealed his name hugging the screen to her chest. This caused any image to be smothered in blackness but Nate could still make out a bouncy image of the surroundings as if she was running with the camera. “Daddy, I get book,” she said swinging the screen towards her bookshelf so Nathan could see what she was seeing. There were tons of books on the shelf but only one book that Mara let him read to her every night.

“There’s my scuttle bug.” Nathan said with a warm smile as he knew she was so very excited for time with him. These moments, they kept Nathan going, kept Nathan strong. “I’ll be right here doll.”

“Mara don’t run with it,” Chloe’s voice snapped turning the image on the screen to black as she helped Mara get back into bed with the book. Once Mara was in bed, Chloe moved the PaDD so that it was facing her daughter but kept her behind the camera. Life had taken a huge detour over the past few weeks. Until she figured things out it was probably best to keep Nathan’s visuals of her to a minimum. “Okay now snuggle up so Daddy can read the book,” Chloe said. It was awkward holding the PaDD and book at an angle where Mara could see the pictures but Nathan could still read it yet life was awkward right now so it all seemed to fit.

“Okay… we have our book, F is for Fenway Park, I loved this book as a kid… you ready to start?” Nathan said as he got excited squeals as he began to read the first part of the book. “A is for America’s most beloved ballpark. For baseball lovers everywhere, the experience they want to share is Fenway’s mystique which makes this classic park unique!” Nathan said in his excited tone as he felt a tiny semblance of normalcy wash over in the realm of insanity they had found themselves in.

The story progressed for a few pages until Logan appeared at the bedroom door. Instantly a chubby leg came out from under the covers and spread out blocking the spot Logan wanted to occupy. A scowl covered Logan’s face as he moved across the room pushing Mara’s leg out of the way to be in a spot to see Nathan. His dad always read to him afterward but it was hard to wait. Every time Logan heard Nathan’s voice on the phone, computer, or PaDD he always came running. HIs world stopped not when his sister died but when his father walked out of the house in that stupid uniform of his with the blue shirt and black pants. “Wogan no. No Wogan,” Mara struggled to move sideways to stop Logan from getting in bed as Chloe’s voice and hand’s tried to break up the fight.

Flipping the PaDD around to look at Nathan, Chloe had a frustrated look on her face. “This isn’t working. We need to try something different. Every night they fight over you and I can’t take it,” she stated sharply to Nathan.

“I can get them to install a media room, something the two can view me on at the same time. Jackson my cousin up in Portland Maine can do it, he handles this kind of project. It’ll make it easier for you hon.” Nathan said as he knew she needed more help, but felt a sense of helplessness with this all. If Chloe had just come he knew in his heart could make this better, but they weren’t. In fact, Nathan felt like it might never be normal, as he looked to the side of his desk that held the recently delivered divorce papers as he took a deep breath. He wasn’t ready to open that packet.

“Wogan move,” Mara squirmed and fought as Logan moved next to her on the pillow and refused to give an inch.

She wanted to vent more but seeing him was always hard. With each passing week, he was getting the distant look he had back when he was stationed on Cestus. He looked thinner and smiled less. His eyes did not have the warmth or humor that had always been there when he looked at her. “You okay,” she asked him pushing a lock of hair behind her ear as she moved to the couch in the living room now that the kids were in their beds even if not asleep.

Chloe

“Not really… but… I will be. These moments… that keeps me sane, if there is such a thing as being sane.” Nathan said. He tried to be honest with Chloe, he knew she needed to hear the truth more than the lies he used to tell her. In the past, all he did was lie to make her feel better, which caused her to never feel part of Nathan. These tragedies taught Nathan he needed to keep Chloe more informed of his emotions. If he didn’t, the would bubble out and he would explode at the worst moments, most likely at a patient.

“You look like you are losing weight. You need to eat more and not work so hard,” Chloe said in a neutral tone. It was not the most romantic thing to say but it was better than one-word responses.

“I did get a breakthrough on a patient though… sort of. Time will tell.” Nathan said, knowing he wished he could tell her more about where he was and what he was trying to accomplish. He would need to head back to the Outpost soon but for now things seemed to have an aura of normal life. Normal for them at least, and that was something he didn’t want to crash and break.

Chloe could not help but give him a half scowl. Why was everything always about work for him? She did not care about some patient that had a first galaxy problem. Chloe licked her lips with the tip of her tongue debating about asking if he had received the divorce papers. She was not sure she even wanted him to have them or why she even filed for them. It was a rash and impulsive decision made on the day she found out she was having their fourth child. “Nathan,” she took a deep breath trying to get up enough courage to discuss the packet of papers he had to receive by now. By a twist of fate, the words never left her mouth as Mara tumbled from the bed. Chloe had been so focused on talking to Nathan, she had ignored Mara and Logan still squabbling in the bed. “I gotta go,” she said clicking off the screen before reaching down and picking up a now sobbing Mara who had just bumped her head on the nightstand when she had fallen off the bed.

Now - En Route to Teller Industries Medical Facility

Nathan landed the shuttle as he sat back. He was here, but he wasn’t done with his message as he took breathed in deeply. “Computer resume recording.”

“So, my experiments haven’t always been what you would call ethical. I don’t want to bring you into these topics, as I fear what we have tried to regrow in our life will become shattered… but you have to understand I was trying to save her. Yes, I might find treatment for others, but I would sacrifice an entire planet to bring her back… it wouldn’t be the first time I had to make choices that shattered more core. The thing is, I hated myself for those choices in the past. My reasons for leaving Starfleet, more harm than good I felt. Now… I couldn’t save her without cracking a few eggs… and more than a few shattered.”

4 Months Ago, CNS Office - OP 42

“You must be thrilled,” Reagor said as she sipped the coffee as she stared across the view screen at Nathan. She was at the facility while he was working remotely at the outpost. This had to be part of the arrangement, as he needed to keep up with both jobs he had undertaken.

“My ex-wife showing up with my kids, when no one knew she had even left Earth minus like three people isn’t what I would call thrilling,” Nathan said with a blank stare before he shook his head. “I don’t know how to do this all anymore.... we are so close and now… it’s all hitting home once again. I don’t know how to be the man my kids need.”

“Maybe stop thinking of her as your ex, she never signed those papers… and you didn’t send yours in. I don’t care if you signed it that one time after you fought with her, you quickly knew you couldn’t send it and that’s what counts. If we can find out how to revive brain-dead patients with this treatment you become a miracle worker, and you save millions, not just her. ” Reagor said as she put the coffee down as she hopped Nathan would take her advice, someone had to make sure he didn’t lose himself once again.

When Chloe had first arrived he had ordered three separate treatments he knew were doomed for failure with no checking any data to back up if they might work. He just plugged them in guessed dosages and watched them die. Aedan Teller didn’t care as long as he got a treatment he could sell, but the treatment of subjects to such a callous nature could make people look poorly even if they succeed. She assumed that was part of the reason they worked in a bunker for all intents and purposes.

“Maybe… she didn’t tell me she was pregnant, didn’t tell me she was coming… she doesn’t want or need me, she made that clear when she stopped accepting my calls weeks before she left.” Nathan said as he wasn’t sure if he could solve anything. He had begun reaching a point where failure in his marriage seemed inevitable.

“She will reach out, the way you talk about her… she can’t be blind to how much you still love her. She… give her time…” Regaor said as her assistant came in. “Look, we have some new subjects, we are going to work on the formula after testing it. I will send results.” Reagor said as she closed the com like as Nathan felt the sudden darkness almost envelope him.

Nathan heard his door chime chirp as he looked up. “Computer raise lights by 40%.” he said as he didn’t want patients to come in assuming he was some nocturnal vampire. “Enter,” Nathan said, feeling a sense of dread if it was that stupid Ms. Peacock coming by to gripe about her husband’s newest trait she had learned to hate.

Harland, CNS

Chloe walked into his office and hovered at the door. It felt strange not knowing how to act around the man she had been married to and had four children with. A year ago, she would have strolled in with coffee, dessert and a kiss. Now she stood there with a large plant in her hands covering the front of her body. From a psychological standpoint, the plant was something physical she could hide her ever-expanding tummy behind. Nathan had known about the pregnancy for a week now but Chloe still felt uncomfortable that he had found out the way he had. The baby was his. They both knew that fact but the reason she had hidden the pregnancy from him had not been answered.

“Hello Nathan,” she settled on feeling like her greeting was more appropriate for a patient than her husband. It was not like she could just call out cut like in a holodrama and take it from the top.

“Oh… come in,” Nathan said as he leaned back as he watched Chloe enter. He wasn’t sure what he should be thinking at this moment. She had lied, cheated, and practically gave up on everything they had. It was hard to just let her back in. It felt like every time he tried to reach out and meet her she stabbed him in the back.

“I was hoping that you had a few minutes free. If not I can come back later,” she hooked a thumb over her shoulder with her free hand.

Say buzz off, tell her to go ask Ben… say this is how it feels to be ignored. came all the thoughts rushing to Nathan as his eyes seemed to narrow on her. The truth was as hurt as he was, the very sight of her did make him feel something as he rolled his eyes before nodding. “Yep, I got some time.”

His response, although perfectly acceptable, to Chloe it felt forced. This was going to be a lot harder than she even practiced at home in the mirror. Imaginary mirror Nate did not have a tone to his voice. He also did not engage in non-verbal communication like a deadpan stare, punctuated silences, or eye rolls. “I won’t take up too much of your day. I know…knew…know,” she struggled to try to figure out which verb tense to use. She did not know anything about his day-to-day life on the Outpost and assuming it was anything like his practice in Boston only felt wrong. It drove home the fact of just how far their lives had diverged. “I just need a few minutes,” she settled on as her response. It felt colder than she wanted but somehow the temperature in his office had managed to drop ten degrees with no one touching the thermostat.

Walking down the small series of four steps, Chloe moved to the center of the room looking around. The room was very stark even for him. She wondered if this was because she had always added the small welcoming touches like pictures, plants, and memorbilla or if it was a conscious choice on Nathan’s part. She had been the one to file for divorce six months ago and then chose to ghost his calls for the past two months. “I brought you a plant,” she said holding out the large spider plant with green and white variegated foliage. “It’s from the plant we got when Logan was born. I thought you might like a piece. You know to brighten up the office and make it appear less....clinical.” Nothing Chloe was saying felt right. It all felt forced and awkward.

“I have a plant!” Nathan said as he pointed to the wall, there was a small shrubbery behind her that was very brown and withering as his eyes got wide. He hadn’t really looked in that direction in a while and wondered how long it had been since he watered the shrub. Since he moved in? The probability was high that he might have never even watered it after he bought it.

“Are you talking about that dead thing that is clinging to life with only two leaves left on it or is brown the normal color of whatever is in the pot,” Chloe tried to lighten the mood with a hint of humor. The first plant she had given him was a cactus. A few people on Cestus thought it was a jab at his prickly nature at times but it was one hundred percent due to cacti not needing water.

“I mean… it’s a little brown… but, it’ll get better right?” Nathan said with a small smirk as he seemed to feel a sense of warmth briefly before he looked back after at Chloe.

“Little brown,” Chloe raised an eyebrow at him like she had a million times before when she found humor in his response because they both knew he was being humorous. “Baby that thing is holding on by its sheer force of will. Give it a drink every now and then.” Not thinking, she rested her hand on one side of her belly patting it slightly. She had done this with all their children, most of the time and always when the baby was active and kicking. Moving across the room, her gait was also changing as typical in pregnant women. Reaching the couch, Chloe did not flop back like she always did sinking into the cushions. Instead, she lowered herself down. Her small frame meant that the growing baby seemed always farther along than it was.

The baby bump was obvious, and it seemed to curtail any mood. It was their child, he didn’t have a thought for one second it was from her affair with Ben. The problem, she had waited 6 months to tell him, and even though she only told cause she found herself here in all places.

“Would you mind getting me a glass of water,” she asked taking a seat on the edge of the couch. Now that Chloe had given up the plant, she needed something to hold in her hands to fidget with. The next conversation she wanted to have with him was going to be hard enough.

Chloe

“Sure,” Nathan said as he got up and walked over to the replicator as he replicated a pitcher and a cup as he set it down in front of her. As he did, he walked past her to the area behind and to the right of him which held a bookcase that held his more adult drinks. Opening the cabinet above he grabbed a bottle of bourbon and glass as he began to walk back as he sat down and immediately began to unscrew the bottle as he poured.

Chloe watched him bring it back and settle into his seat. Her jaw was set in the more tense position it always did when something Nathan did annoyed her. She could not help but be annoyed at his display of needing a drink before he could talk to her. This behavior was not new and not entirely because of her. Whenever Nathan had to deal with someone he did not particularly want to…he drank. His father, Meredith, her parents: All needed a good stiff shot before he settled back to deal with a topic that was bound to make him less pleasant or polite. While she had hoped the real life version of Nate was going to react like the imaginary mirror Nate she had rehearsed this conversation with in the bathroom, it was clear that was not going to be the case. It was also not going to be as easy. Taking a deep breath she decided to dive right in.

“I think we need to talk about the kids and how we plan to pare,” she began.

As she began talking he pointed a finger up as he began to drown back the bourbon as he began pouring one more immediately after it and drank it down whole as well as then leaned back and looked over at her as he felt every urge to just kick her out slowly edge away from the booze. He needed it if he wanted to stay nice right now, she knew it kept him often from snapping when he dulled himself a little. “Go on,” he said with a terse smile.

Harland, CNS

His smile immediately set Chloe’s already overly emotional state over the edge. The logical side of her brain understood why Nathan was acting the way he had. The drug-crazed, baby hormonal side however reared its ugly head more often lately. Setting the water down, Chloe put a hand on the soft cushions and tried to stand up. She was getting more ungainly and this seat was a death trap. Three times she tried to get up and each time she just bounced more or less in place. Letting out a groan, Chloe ran her fingers through her hair pulling it to one side of her face. She should never had sat down. It would have been a lot easier to pace having this conversation and far easier to slip away. “Nate I think we need to talk about how we are going to handle the children’s situation now that I am on the outpost and they know you are living ten doors down but not with us.” Finally, she had said it. There was a certain relief in asking the question. Chloe no longer had to worry about if Nate would see her or when. All she needed now was to know what was going to happen.

Chloe

“Oh, sweetheart that’s a conversation we should have had six months ago.”

“I know but I tried,” Chloe pressed attempting to steer the conversation in the direction she wanted it to go in.

“You tried? I tried… SO many times to get us under one roof. Pleaded begged, looked a fool every time I went to the quartermaster cause you gave me some kind of hope you would be coming only for me to have to tell them to forget the room. You know they stopped allowing me to even make requests? I bloody had to go to prove once you really were my wife and we were married and I didn’t just make you up… so you can forgive me if I don’t really feel any bit sorry you are a little inconvenienced that I am living down the hall.” Nathan spat at her with straight venom as he began to pour his third drink. Whatever good or loving mood he had with her had quickly vanished and resentment and anger filled its place.

Harland, CNS

Chloe averted her gaze as she felt the weight of his words fill her. A knot was forming in the base of her spine that made her sit a bit straighter. It was the knot of guilt one felt when they knew they had done something wrong and were being forced to pay the piper for it. Her cheeks burned a bright red as if she had been struck except what she was feeling now felt worse than a physical slap. It was the red hot sting of embarrassment from her arrogance and the callous way she had treated him since the death of their daughter. Nathan had every right and more to feel the way he did. He was justified in the way he was speaking to her. His words stung but Chloe had seen Nathan far more vicious in his responses when he was this angry. She was also cognizant of the word choices Nathan was using. If anyone other than her was sitting opposite of him on the couch, Nathan would have shredded them to the bone with verbal razors. The only thing stopping him was the fact she was still currently his wife and that she was carrying his child.

Clearing her throat, Chloe turned her face back to Nathan but had a hard time looking him in the eyes. Instead, she focused on the half-dead plant slightly behind him and to the left as she spoke. “It’s a bit more than inconvenient Nathan. Every time you leave after dinner Logan refuses to come out of his room and Mara just sits at the door crying. It’s not fair that,” Chloe finally directed her gaze squarely on him.

Chloe

“That maybe they shouldn’t have a mom who can’t go more than two hours without popping some pill. I have treated people for far less… yet here we are.”

Chloe picked up the glass of water and began to drink it in long slow sips. Nathan was not just a counselor but a psychiatrist which meant he prescribed and understood all the meds she was taking. He hadn’t said much about it until now. Just threw them away whenever he found them. His comment however hit her harder than she cared to admit. Part of her whispered let it go but the other part couldn’t. “First off I am your wife and not your patient. Second, it’s every four hours for the tramadol and eight hours for the Zoloft, not two but you know that. You also know that a course of antidepressants should run for six months to prevent relapse. I guess I am just confused right now. Would you prefer me to still be so depressed I can’t get out of bed or moving on with my life? You say you wanted me and the kids to come to the Loki but I am pretty sure that arrogant side of you liked that you could hide us away and not have to explain why the great Nate Harland can help everyone but his own wife.” Setting the glass down on the table she looked at Nathan. Over the years, like any marriage, she and Nathan had some knock-down-drag-out fights. This confrontation was six months in the making. It was going to get bloody. It was going down the road of she and he saying things you both meant and later regretted just to score the moral win. No matter what happened though when she left through his door, Chloe was not ready to let this fight end it all.

“Did you ever even love me, Chloe? Was I just a way to get out of the shadow of your family?” Nathan said as he pushed back the drink as it began to burn as he sat there feeling his anger surging into him, he couldn’t hold back, not anymore.

“Cause I can tell you one thing Maddie has zero to do with where we are right now. We had been on life support for years, ever since you insisted the kids needed time with their family. My dad had home, and somehow teleportation wasn’t quick enough for you, or you didn’t feel like you mattered in San Francisco.” Nathan said as his eyes narrowed as he looked at her with stinging daggers. He had not said these things to her, cause he always wanted to make her happy. At this moment, any thoughts of happiness had long vanished.

“I loved being in San Francisco. We had that small apartment where you didn’t have to use your phone to find someone in the house. I had that part-time job but your dad,” Chloe pointed a finger at Nathan as she prepared to remind Nathan why they had chosen to move back east.

“You think I ever wanted to work with my dad? I had made progress and was happy in San Francisco. My work mattered, and you mattered… you always mattered… my world changed because of how much you mattered. It wasn’t cause we had a child, it was always because of you. I am doing my best here for the kids, and I won’t stop… but life isn’t going to be fair. So don’t hide behind them like some crutch cause you just want time to blitz out and let the world melt behind those pill bottles you keep hiding from me.” Nathan said, feeling somehow better and worse all at the same time as he got all his thoughts out in one blistering moment.

Harland, CNS

“Blitz out,” she snapped pressing hard on the couch’s arm and cushion to stand up. The movement was cumbersome showing how hard it was for her to get around now. In the past, these next few weeks had been a source of humor for them as a couple with Nate tying her shoes like she was a five and bracing her as she stood up like she was an old woman. It was clear the next few weeks would not hold any of these memories. “I didn’t come to you but you also left me and the kids. They were your children too,” she picked up the glass and threw it at him. “If you really see me as a prescription addict then why did you leave them with me? Plenty of officers are single parents. You could have swept in and scooped them up but you didn’t. You left me to live in a house where I could never escape finding a sock, a toy,” her voice held so much more anger than she realized she had been harboring. “Do you know what it was like looking out our kitchen window and seeing the spot where Maddie died over and over day after day with no escape? Did you have to throw away the reminder for Maddie to be enrolled in Kindergarten this fall because no one told the computer she would never be attending school again? Did you have to weather the stares and whispers at the park where people treated me as a leper not knowing what to say? Yes, I am on a heck of a lot of meds but I only got that one month to block out the world before you left. You had five months to only be an on-call parent.” Yes, Nathan had begged and pleaded for her to go but at the life in a fifteen hundred square foot metal box was not the answer either.

“Those pills were to help you in the early days, but I only had three refills… by the count in the apartment, there is at least a dozen seemingly hidden in every corner. So don’t act like you are taking the exact dose to take the edge off… you are bordering on being an addict and despite every attempt to help you… you ignore it. I know it’s hard, my god there are nights I can’t even sleep, I sit there drowning in my own thoughts and fears… but at least I still know how to feel.” Nathan said this time his tone though was softer, even if he was stern in the wording. He worried, for so long, about her health. He didn’t want to see his wife fall into a pit of despair that she could never return from.

“Nathan all I do is feel. Anger, sadness, loss…” Chloe snapped before stopping. He was definitely giving her a lecture but it wasn’t undeserved. Her chest began to burn as she felt the uncontrollable urge to cross the room and curl up in his arms. She had used him as the target of her emotions for over half a year. Would he even hold her to chase the demons away she had created.

Pacing the room, Chloe felt like she could not breathe. This was not the way she had expected the conversation to lead. Moving to the couch, she grabbed her purse yanking it over her shoulder. “You know what I didn’t come here to fight. I came here to try and have a civil conversation about the kids. They need to be with you more than every other weekend and Wednesday night,” she snapped glaring at him with daggers in her eyes.

Chloe

“Like hell!” Nathan shouted as he stood up as he braced the table. It was clear she had finally hit his tipping point as he opened his desk drawer pulling out a folder as he walked over to her as he trusted into her chest. “If you gave a damn about the kids you would have never sent this…” Nathan said, she would know as she looked at the first page it was the divorce papers she had filed for a few months earlier.

Reflexes took over as her hands flew to her chest catching the papers. She didn’t need to see what they were. Chloe knew exactly what Nathan had flung at her. Standing there stunned, she watched Nathan move across the room. There were only a handful of times Chloe had been scared of What Nathan was capable of. She had seen half of them on Cestus during the conflict. The other half had dealt with their family. Every person had a tipping point when their emotions were primal. She had been married to Nathan long enough to see he had hit his limit.

“If you gave two craps about me or the kids you would have come here a long time ago. Do you ever wonder why I wanted us away? Cause nothing but misery comes when we let our family in our lives. That apartment in San Francisco, the one in Cestus… they were our happiest memories even when we were at our lowest. I mean for Christ’s sake we lived in a war zone and I felt more and peace and in love with you than I ever did there… and those papers are just proof that you gave up on us a long time ago.” Nathan said as he stepped back turning from her as he ran his hands through his hair out of frustration before looking back at her.

Chloe’s mind raced but she was smart enough to know when to shut her mouth. There was no retort or explanation that would solve this situation. He was right about everything but one point.

Nathan was right that their families brought more grief and misery than joy. The divorce papers were filed due to the urging by her family to move on. She had feed off thier delusions that Nathan had abandoned them and let them fester until her name went on the signature line. There was no point in mentioning this though. They did not have a gun to her head. She signed the execution of their marriage with her own hand.

While she did not believe she was addicted to her meds, Nathan was right that a day did not go by where she even tried to survive a twenty four hour period without them. She did not need to point out that the reason she had so many was because she doctor shopped when she ran out of Nathan’s refills. She had seen the man Nathan suggested but only to ensure her supply was steady. She also saw the family therapist who was more than happy to dope away all her feelings and claim victory over her condition because with enough pills she had gotten out of bed. If she had opened up and talked to him just once, Nathan could have helped her but doctor patient confidentiality ensured he had no idea how his wife was playing the system until he found her supply. Nathan didn’t have to be a genius to put the pieces together once he saw three different docs including himself perceiving the same drug cocktails.

Nathan was spot on about all of except what Chloe wanted but couldn’t figure out how to achieve. A way back to being his wife and a family.

“If you want out then there is the signature. I just want you to remember I never wanted this, I never wanted to give up on our life… you checked out… you betrayed me. I would have died for you a million times over if you just asked me… but now… I don’t know how you can have the audacity to sit there and tell me you don’t like how our world has become when you are the one who got into the driver’s seat and pulled us in this direction.” he said as he sat down on his couch, his hands over his head as he felt every wave of anger and sadness wash over him like a hurricane.

“The promises we made stopped being enough when you decided to stop talking to me… telling me how you felt. The love we had…” Nathan said as he looked up at her with a feeling of pure repulsion as he eyed her. “It was never going to be enough for you… I was never gonna be enough.” he finally said with a sense of dejected reality wash over him.

Harland, CNS

Gathering up the papers in her hand Chloe moved to the edge of his desk and set them there. “You have only been wrong on one thing today,” she said softly. “I was never going to be able to give you the life you wanted. I just realized it before you.” Resting a hand on his shoulder she squeezed it gently before walking up the steps and out the door.

Chloe

Now - En Route to Teller Industries Medical Facility

“If someone had told me after that day things would have gotten better, I would have laughed at them. We were raw, said a lot of things and I think we can both admit there were more than a few we didn’t mean. I remember, the night things began to fix themselves. You found me drunk and angry, and for the first time, we seemed to click. The sex was amazing, but what made me the most hopeful was waking up to find you cooking the bacon. I know things felt awkward still, but you invited me to come to dinner with the kids… we hadn’t all four been together outside of dropping them off for nights with me in over 6 months. I don’t think I ever told you how nervous I was that day.” Nathan paused as he remembered the day. They had eaten and watched Star Wars and stayed the night for the first time as a family. It was healing and life-affirming in many ways, but they were not fully out of the woodworks.

“Finding out Mara only ate orange items and seeing Logan so quiet despite all of us there… it made me understand I had to do something else. So I took a leap a few days after… I remember my Chief Residents, Doctor Cox, gave a speech to me once about relationships and love. He told me how fragile they were, a tiny little offense and everything can snowball on you. He went on telling me how relationships don’t work as they do in the movies and tv, will they won’t they… half the ones getting married ended in divorce but he made a point. He said the ones that were truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everyone else but don’t let it take them down. One of those two always will fight and say something, and I knew I needed to say something. ” Nathan said as he leaned back thinking about the day. He recalled it as the resurgence for them, a moment they both would look back as knowing their lives had begun to find peace between the pain.

3 Months Ago, Chloe’s Quarters - OP 42

Nathan sat in front of the door, pink carnations in hand as he paced back and forth. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. The last few days had been wonderful, but this was a step that felt awkward even for him. Nathan though seldom backed away from any challenges he set forth, and right now he had a challenge, win back his wife. Pausing as he pressed the chime he waited for Chloe to answer. He knew she should be home, and he was even aware Logan would be at school so it leads him able to mostly be alone with her at this moment which he felt he needed. The kids were part of them, but they couldn’t be all of them.

As the door open he couldn’t help but smile as he saw Chloe, it was still early but she wasn’t due on shift, and with Logan at school she got to just lounge around in her PJ’s like she often did. “Hey…” he said softly as he bit his lower lip as he stood in the door. Normally he would enter but he didn’t want that for this moment. He wanted it to feel right, he wanted it to feel special. “Can you give me a minute alone?” he asked her knowing Mara would most likely be glued to the tv and not even care that her mom stepped out the door for a second.

“I don’t have much time, I wanted to give these to you,” he said handing her the flowers as he felt the butterflies nearly escaping and breaking his resolve before he got the words out. Choking back saliva he let himself settle as he looked her in the eyes. “Go out with me, on a date… just us. Let’s get some sitters… and, let’s just go out. Away from our past and just… find each other.” he said, hoping that at this moment she would feel the same spark he had been feeling lately. This had been a risk he knew, but he wasn’t going to avoid taking it. He had to know if there was life in their marriage, and he would never know without asking this question.

Harland, CNS