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Unable to sleep: Mess hall

Posted Feb. 27, 2023, 6:01 p.m. by Ensign Kastarak (Doctor / Counsellor) (Richard A)

Posted by Captain Chris Taggart (Captain) in Unable to sleep: Mess hall

Posted by Ensign Kastarak (Doctor / Counsellor) in Unable to sleep: Mess hall

Posted by Captain Chris Taggart (Captain) in Unable to sleep: Mess hall
Posted by… suppressed (1) by the Post Ghost! 👻
On the Chernov, after the Klingon mission

With thanks from T’Aria and Symar – two excellent Vulcan physicians and mentors for Kastarak – Kastarak had managed to ride through the worst with his pon farr. It had been an emotionally fraught experience, but he found relief in that he had not made untoward advances to other people in the crew, even when he had experienced the urges of them. Sexuality was a topic that was still difficult for Kastarak to speak of – but only when it came to himself. He had still not met Umbri since the events in their quarters, leading to his diagnosis of pon farr, and he was not sure how to approach it. They had not met one another for a long time, and once this happened he was not sure they would wish to see him again.

He had ridden through the worst of the pon farr storm, but regulating himself again was difficult. It was similar from about a year ago, when he had suffered a Romulan influenza together with T’Aria, and it had taken him weeks to get back his normal self. It was the same now, probably.

This led to several sleepless nights. Vulcans could go several nights without sleep, it was said, but even so, it was not healthy. And right now, he was dysregulated, and all he wanted was sleep.

This night was no different. But this time, he left his quarters and went to the mess hall, and decided to look out at the passing stars outside, and drink some tea. Some change of scenery might help.

Perhaps someone would come and sit next to him. He would have wanted to have a friend now.

— Kastarak

Chris came strolling in like he owned the place and walked right past Kastarak while glancing at him and went straight to the freezer and grabbed his gallon of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream and then grabbed the other gallon of mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, closed the freezer door, grabbed two spoons and then placed both tubs of ice cream on the table, the unopened one right in front of Kastarak. Sitting down, “Can’t sleep huh? Will says I am the master at pointing out the obvious.” He smiled as he removed the lid and took a scoop out and ate it. “That my friend, is the best ice cream Earth has to offer. Seriously. It’s amazing. And do you know what else is amazing? You are. So, only if you want to, why so down my friend?”

Chris

Had it been so obvious that he was down?

“Thank you,” he said, looking at the cold mesh in front of him. He had never had ice cream before. The idea had seemed ludicrous. Frozen food mainly consisting of fat and sugars – completely antithetical to a holistic and wholesome diet. He had prescribed ice cream to a patient once, a human child with fever, and the patient was overjoyed by the prescription. Why did the captain – a physician too – “prescribe” ice-cream? Kastarak wasn’t quite sure, but he had no energy to argue. He took a spoonful of it.

The experience was novel. At first, for half a second or so, it had a fibrous texture, only become liquid within moments. It was cold, and sweet, and fatty at the same time. The flavour was not as sweet as he expected it would be – perhaps the cold hid some of the sweetness. There was also mint – a freshness of kind – mixed with the bitterness of chocolate. A mishmash of flavours, frozen, instantly melting in his mouth.

“I have never had ice-cream before,” he said, quickly realizing that such an answer was non-sequitur to the captain’s question of ‘why so down?’. “I am not amazing, sir, but you are kind and observant to see that I am not fully myself. It makes little sense to hide it from you, too. I am finding it difficult keeping my emotions under control, and it is taxing.”

“Oh. In that case, do not eat it too fast or you would get what we humans call a brain freeze. Your brain will not literally freeze of course, but your head will hurt and you would do what you could to make it stop. Seeing how you are a Vulcan, maybe it would not do that to you since you are made of tougher stuff, but I still wouldn’t test that theory if I were you.” He winked and smiled as he had another spoonful.

Chris then pushed his ice cream away from him a little bit and looked Kastarak dead in the eye. “My friend. I may seem to others as a bumbling buffoon or a simpleton at times. But I will let you in on a little secret.” He leaned in closer and loudly whispered. “I am just like Earths 20th century fictional police detective named Columbo. I am really quite brilliant, tactful and I see and understand way more than people give me credit for. This is an advantage to me. It allows the adversary or similar person to underestimate me, it gets them to drop their guard down and think they have nothing to worry about because they think they are better than me and have nothing to worry about. Then by the time they figure out that I have been a couple steps ahead of them the whole time…it’s too late for them. I use this technique because I have learned early on in my command experience, that I am outclassed. I use my weaknesses as a strength. Believe me when I tell you, not only as your friend but as your captain, that you are amazing. That is a simple and logically fact that cannot be ignored.” He allowed Kastarak to digest this and continue before he Chris continues.

Kastarak wasn’t sure how to respond to this, but he noticed a flush of warmth in his face – it wasn’t embarrassment but something different he felt. He let the emotion linger a bit, trying to analyse it, and while doing so, the captain might have noticed how the zygomaticus major muscle along the cheek had become shorter, ever so slightly, as if a Vulcan would ever smile…

He took another spoon of it. The taste was better now. He knew from his studies that mixing carbohydrates with fats could have addictive consequences – this was true across most species, it must be some kind of law of nature.

“You need not worry, sir, I am fully capable of performing my duties. It is just that, off hours, I feel more unable to function properly, emotionally…”

“I know you are fully capable of performing your duties, but neglecting or avoiding your personal life, will end up getting in the way of your professional one. I know Vulcans are trained at a very young age to handle their emotions, but you can’t be that strong all of the time. Sooner or later you will break and when you do, depending on where you are, it might be ugly and put others’ lives in jeopardy. The most logical thing to do is handle it sooner than later. We all have our demons my friend and we all fight battles within ourselves. There is no shame in that or for seeking help. In my opinion, it takes a stronger man to admit when he needs help. Have you tried talking to T’Aria or the CMO?”

Could he confide to the captain that Symar leaned heavily on Kastarak for basic functioning during workhours? Could he tell him that Symar needed Kastarak’s logic and serenity of mind to be great enough for two, so that Kastarak could contain and hold Symar’s emotions and help him regulate? Could he tell the captain how heavy this burden was, but one that he knew he had to perform, since Symar, was – at least since the destruction of their homeplanet – his kin, one of few of an endangered species, and whatever trauma the Romulans put him through did not make Symar any less Vulcan?

“Yes, I speak with them every day.” he replied. “The first officer and I have a good friendship, though she has been busy as of late, and I wouldn’t wish to take up her time too much. Dr Symar and I have a good working relationship”. With good working relationship, Kastarak meant, but did not convey, that it was “good” because Kastarak did all the emotional holding, Symar was working because of Kastarak, and their relationship was highly asymmetrical now, where Symar leaned on Kastarak for medical decisions, for Sickbay organization, rostas, and so on, while Symar was officially still Kastarak’s superior, yet Kastarak had Symar as both friend and patient. Truly, if the captain knew of how problematic the situation in Sickbay was, he might comprehend more the stress under which Kastarak suffered. At the same time, Kastarak was afraid (an emotion!) that the revelation of Symar’s history and genetic trauma would force him out of Starfleet. Not only were Romulans banned under Starfleet, for their association with the genocide of Vulcan, but Symar could arguably be classed an augment, and thus, be arrested and face criminal sanction.

“I take your words to heart, your warnings of breaking. I do not wish to break, but the pressures placed on me are.... ” He paused to take another spoonful of ice-cream. How did it become tastier for every spoon?

“You are a doctor, captain, might I ask for your advice on a matter?” he asked. Knowing full well that the captain could not go into a doctor’s mode, especially not in the mess hall, he added: “hypothetically of course, doctor-to-doctor”. He hoped the captain might understand the hint.

He took yet another spoonful of the brown soggy frozen stuff.

“I appreciate this experience of eating ice-cream. It .... activates the senses.”

– Kastarak

Chris smiled at that. “It is good. It is my own personal stash, but feel free to have some whenever you need to or want to. OK?”

Chris

“I shall remember that,” Kastarak replied in a tone of indifference that only Vulcans could pull off. He assumed the captain was sincere, and he would probably take some for the stash should another sleepless night occur.

– Kastarak


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