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Side Sim: Umbri's Quarters (TAG Kastarak)

Posted April 19, 2023, 7:01 p.m. by Lieutenant Junior Grade Umbri Hawkins (Security Officer) (Yvonne Sephiran)

Posted by Ensign Kastarak (Doctor / Counsellor) in Side Sim: Umbri’s Quarters (TAG Kastarak)

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Umbri Hawkins (Weapons Officer) in Side Sim: Umbri’s Quarters (TAG Kastarak)

Posted by Ensign Kastarak (Doctor / Counsellor) in Side Sim: Umbri’s Quarters (TAG Kastarak)
Posted by… suppressed (7) by the Post Ghost! 👻
In the days following the incident in their quarters, Umbri isolated themselves from basically the entire crew. They didn’t want anyone to see just how much of a mess they were. They were worried about Kastarak and they felt guilty for potentially causing what happened. It also didn’t help at all that they completely missed the arrival of the new Weapons Officer. After about a week had passed, Umbri finally decided to get themselves together and invite Kastarak to their quarters. Once they sent him the invitation, they got changed into the most comfortable and nerdiest outfit they could think of (OOC: https://urstyle.fashion/styles/3461684 If you know, you know.), sat down on their couch, and waited.

Lieutenant (j.g.) Umbri Hawkins, Security Officer

Kastarak had looked forward to this. He had given Umbri (and himself!) space and time to process, and he was not sure what Umbri would want him to do or not, a potential reason behind why he had procrastinated contacting Umbri. Now that Umbri had made the move, he hurried to their quarters.

As he entered it, he saw the peculiar array of clothes on them. Why did their slippers have faces? Moreover, why did they have ears? He could not stop himself from looking at the slippers. What function did they serve, other than keeping the owner warm? Why did they look like animals? What was the point…?

He became fully engrossed in his analysis of the slippers, he almost forgot basic greetings.

“Good evening, Umbri,” he said, looking them in the eye. “Thank you for your invitation. How are you?”

– Kastarak

Umbri could instantly tell Kastarak was trying to make sense of their fox slippers. “I’m getting better. I’ve honestly been too hard on myself since you know what happened. By the way, try not to think too hard about my slippers. They don’t really serve a purpose other than for the aesthetic,” they paused, snickering a little before composing themselves. “Please have a seat,” they said, making room on the sofa for Kastarak.

Lieutenant (j.g.) Umbri Hawkins, Security Officer

Had Umbri suddenly become telepathic? Or was Kastarak’s fixation on the slippers so blatantly obvious?

He sat down, following Umbri’s invitation. Curious that Umbri would choose these slippers for aesthetic. He knew in some cultures, people would wear the fleeces of slaughtered or hunted animals, sometimes as hunting trophies, sometimes for clothing and warmth. But these little… whatever animal they represented… were not hunting trophies, because a made-up animal cannot be hunted.

He kept looking at the slippers, while replying.

“They look…” he began, and quickly finished the sentence with a different word. “… warm.”. He had intended to comment on their strangeness, and how Umbri had chosen them for aesthetics rather than anything else. He struggled to understand the logic in them.

He turned to Umbri, to catch their eyes for a second and look at their face while continuing the conversation.

“You did nothing wrong,” he said with emphasis. “The fault was mine, due to the chemical imbalance I had at that time. On that day, my pon farr began. Do you know what that is…?” Normally, Kastarak would be highly private of such a matter, but there was a certain personal intimacy between Umbri and he that he had felt since their bunkmate days. And Umbri, for all the pain that they had felt due to Kastarak’s behaviour ont hat day, deserved an explanation, and one which was logical too, however illogical the situation must have appeared for them at that time.

He paused, allowing for Umbri to continue the conversation. He was ready to explain and answer any questions they may have.

– Kastarak

Umbri nodded. “I’m aware of the pon farr, yes. Honestly, it explains a lot of things that happened that day. It’s a relief to know that it wasn’t something that I did. For a while, I was afraid that when I mistook you for wanting to initiate a relationship, that triggered something. I’m quite glad that wasn’t the case,” they paused, taking a deep breath. “I also want to apologize for closing myself off from you and everyone else over the past week. I worked on a lot of things during my time away from the Chernov, but I still have a problem when it comes to controlling my emotions, and I didn’t want anyone to see me in my turmoil. I also have a habit of closing myself off from those around me when my emotions are in chaos. I’m trying to work on that,” they said.

Lieutenant (j.g.) Umbri Hawkins, Security Officer

Kastarak listened carefully to the words coming from Umbri’s mouth, considering each syllable and intonation.

“I too try to work on that. I could have reached out to you, checked in on you, yet I did not. I was not sure how, yet, surely, a simple question would have sufficed. But I did not. Perhaps, without understanding it, your question scared me.”

“I do not know what a romantic relationship is like. I cannot picture myself in it. There are many things I need to work through. My sexuality is one that I struggle to comprehend, and I am unsure I know what love feels like. I know I loved my parents, my siblings, before they were taken from me, but it was nothing ever communicated in the family. I regret that. How could I even communicate feelings?”

“You communicated yours. I did not respond. I still do not know how to.”

– Kastarak

Umbri nodded in understanding. “I completely understand what you mean. It’s perfectly okay to not know how to express yourself. I struggled with that a lot when I was figuring out my gender identity and my sexuality, and there were times when thinking about it absolutely terrified me. But the fact that you’ve acknowledged that my question scared you is a great first step in figuring things out for yourself,” Umbri paused, laughing in astonishment. “And I’m starting to sound like a counselor, but I might as well embrace it. I imagine sexuality in Vulcans isn’t discussed in nearly as much depth as it is in humans, so you have every right to be unsure. Let me give you a sort of crash course of how it is for humans. For starters, we have people who are straight, which is what happens when a man is attracted to a woman and vice versa. Then we have people who are attracted to the same sex, which is being gay for men and being a lesbian for women. Next, we have people who are bisexual, which generally means being attracted to both men and women, but also can apply to any two genders, which is a whole different spectrum that I’m happy to cover another time if you’re interested. The last sexuality I’ll cover is the one I fall under, which is pansexual. This is when a person is attracted to one’s personality rather than focusing on gender. There are a multitude of other sexualities in humans, and I’ve actually got a book I can lend you that explains them in more detail,” Umbri said as they got up and walked to their bookshelf. They returned with a book titled Gender and Sexuality for Beginners by Jaimee Garbacik, handing it to Kastarak. “I feel like this could be really helpful to you,” they said.

Lieutenant (j.g.) Umbri Hawkins, Security Officer

As Umbri explained and Kastarak took the book from their hands, Kastarak reflected at the strangeness of the situation. While everything Umbri said was things he knew (he was after all well-versed with aspects of sexuality, mating customs, romantic and courtship customs – all from countless species), he had never been confronted by applying labels (even if human-centric) on himself. He had simply refused to even venture that deep – too much emotion was to be found in such a metaphorical pit, and he would always suppress them. With his trauma, losing all those he loved in the destruction of his planet, and moreover, the loss of his culture, his anchoring to identity, he had never felt safe exploring it.

He returned in his mind to the time when Umbri came out to him, how close he was to feeling, how close he was to actually lifting that pit cover and diving down. He felt with Umbri, but at that time, it was Umbri’s moment, Umbri needed him, and he had to support them. How could he have turned it to be all about himself?

Yet, here he did it again, making it all about himself – when it was Umbri who had been pained, offended, injured by his actions – whatever Umbri might say or excuse it.

At the same time, he felt Umbri’s care for him – their concern, their respect, their kindness.

A flash of imagery came over him. He saw his mother, his father, his siblings… He saw the implosion of Vulcan. He saw Sega’a dancing, he felt butterflies in his stomach. He saw Pawl looking at him with empathetic eyes, and he Symar entrusting his deepest secrets to him. He saw men. He felt the longing of connection, of depth. He remembered a gut instinct of jealousy mixed with longing when Pawl came out to him, but he would not reflect more on what meant.

But what does that mean? He knew of homosexuality – from a biological point of view. Species all over Vulcan displayed same-sex sexual behaviours – even Vulcans did at points. He remembered reading of the pre-Surakian festival of Rumarie, full of barely clothed Vulcans, covered in slippery grease, chasing one another, and most likely engaging in orgies, women with men, men with women, and men with men, and women with women, and how he would sometimes catch a glimpse of his own mental and automatic imagery of him being among the men being with men, covered in grease, chasing one another, laughing, engaging. How he could he picture such a primal sense of himself? He refused to ever consider the implications of such an emotion. Instead, simply, he would put the lid over the pit, purge the feelings.

It was not good for a Vulcan to be like this, especially when so little of Vulcan culture and civilization remained.

“I believe,” he said, feeling a tremble, so he stopped himself. He looked away, composed himself again.

He could not find the words.

He tried again. He could not.

Perhaps he could speak in negations and clinical language…

“I believe, but with a dose of uncertainty, that my sexual orientation…”

Could he say it?

”… is neither pansexual… nor is it heterosexual. I find I cannot explore what it is and what it means. It makes my view of myself lonely and fraudulent.”

There. He had said it. How strange it was to have said something he had not ever been able admit even to himself. But now Umbri knew.

His shoulders felt lighter. He straightened his back and looked at Umbri’s kind face. It made him feel safe. It reminded him of the safety he felt when his father looked at him, making night-time tea on those frightful nights of insomnia, long, long time ago, when he was but a child – not yet skilled with emotional suppression.

– Kastarak

Umbri sat back on the sofa, stunned. They could tell that this was a huge step for Kastarak to take considering he was a Vulcan, and the fact that he trusted them with this information humbled Umbri to the greatest extent. But they also knew that this was going to be a very scary time for him, having gone through something very similar themselves.

Umbri took a deep breath, sitting up. “I’m honored that you trusted me enough to admit that to me. If it makes you more comfortable, this can stay between us until you’re ready to tell more people. As for you feeling like you’re alone and you’re a fraud, I completely understand what you mean. I had to figure out my sexuality and my gender identity by myself while living in an extremely conservative culture. I felt so alone because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it and I felt like an abomination of nature because I had been taught by my former religion that being anything but heterosexual and cisgender was wrong. It got so much worse when I was disowned by my parents. But as soon as I boarded this ship, everything changed for the better. I met so many amazing people like you, T’Aria, the Captain, and Sega’a. You all continue to support me in a way that very few people in my life have done because you make me feel valued, which is the greatest feeling in the universe. So I want you to listen to me very carefully, Kastarak: It may not feel like it right now, but you’re not alone and you’re not a fraud. It’s okay to be different. In fact, it’s absolutely wonderful. If everyone was the same, the universe would be really boring. I’m going to do everything I can to help you figure things out because you’re my friend and I care about you. I can’t promise it’ll be easy because nothing truly worthwhile in life is, but I can promise that I’ll be there with you whenever and wherever you need me,” they said.

All Umbri wanted to do was give Kastarak a big hug, but they knew that Vulcans weren’t very good with intimacy. So they sat back on the sofa and waited for his response. They also really hoped that they didn’t overstep any boundaries.

Lieutenant (j.g.) Umbri Hawkins, Security Officer

It was logical that Umbri would react like this, yet Kastarak felt surprised. It was strange to have two opposite truths in his head at the same time – but keeping this aspect of his personality and sexuality hidden, from himself and others, had not been logical to begin with, so the consequences of unravelling it when in an altered state ought not to be to too unexpected.

Umbri related to his story, his conservative culture. He knew also of Umbri’s struggles, their history… Umbri spoke softly, yet with determination. While Umbri’s words were logical – albeit with quite a lot of emotion (which was to be expected, they’re human after all…) – Kastarak experienced it strange listening to them and not being able to apply the words. They were logical, and truthful, so why could he not apply it to himself right now? Did he need more regulation, meditation?

“I must thank you for your words of support, friendship, and promise. I am not able to take your words to heart right now, however logical they may be. I find myself unregulated, which I suppose is to be expected after the unravelling of something I’ve hidden even for myself…”

He paused.

“I do not need to make a plan of action now”, he said, more for himself than Umbri. “But I do need help in processing this. Perhaps you could ask me a few questions to that I might form answers, and thereby understand myself better?”

Was he now doing reverse therapy? His supervisor would have laughed at this.

– Kastarak

Umbri thought about it for a moment. “This might seem illogical and hard to do, but I want you to take a look deep inside of yourself. What do you feel when you think about your sexuality?” they asked.

Lieutenant (j.g.) Umbri Hawkins, Weapons Officer


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