Posted Jan. 27, 2022, 1:48 p.m. by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) (Jennifer Ward)
Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side-sim: The Reckoning
Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side-sim: The Reckoning
Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side-sim: The Reckoning
(snip)
Roman felt her breathing slowing down, and he kept the rate of his own breaths steady. Finally she was breathing with him and he stayed quiet and breathed with her for several minutes. Then he said, “Feel a little better now, Miranda?” His voice was quiet and soothing, still sounding concerned for her.
~ Roman
Held tight against him, she could feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed. Rand breathed with him. For a few minutes that’s all the existed for her, breathing in and out. She hated this, she wished there was some miracle cure to get rid of it. That wasn’t going to happen. Mostly she hated Roman seeing her like this. Once was bad enough, but again…she didn’t want him to see her panic attacks, but she really didn’t want him to leave either.
Roman wouldn’t know, but it was a little like his nightmares. He didn’t like anyone seeing them, knowing about them. He hadn’t wanted Rand to know at first, either. But she’d been so helpful when he finally accepted her help he’d really gotten over that with her. That was why when he’d woken up in Sickbay stuck in one of his memories and scared he’d been able to call for her.
Then he spoke, she still liked the way he said her name, and she nodded her head where it was against his shoulder. Oh, but that wasn’t right. He asked a question and that meant she needed to answer. And he was concerned for her and had sat with her. She should express gratitude. “Yes…thank you.” Her voice was quiet and strained from the after affects.
Rand
Roman kept hugging her. She said she felt better, but her voice still sounded strained. “Next time you should tell me, so I can help.” Like she always did for him, going to Sickbay with him or staying up late when he couldn’t sleep. He didn’t mind her anxiety attacks, or helping her deal with them. But he couldn’t help if she wouldn’t tell him about it.
~ Roman
How many times had she told Roman that? Too many, and she knew he was right, but how was she supposed to tell him when she’d made him mad? Or she thought she’d made him map. Now she was pretty sure she hadn’t. And he was working, she couldn’t just walk into the labs and go I’m freaking out you have to leave and come make me feel better. And she had convinced herself that she’d just make things worse, do something else wrong, if she went to talk to him, so she hadn’t. She’d come to her room to hide from it all until she had to go back to work. She shook her head no, “You…you were working.” It was the only thing she could say, she couldn’t tell him the other reasons, they were so stupid, but they seemed large and implacable to her.
Rand
Roman had been making himself busy, avoiding his emotions with work. He still hasn’t admitted to himself that’s what he was doing, but it was. There were few things he couldn’t set aside for a little while. “I can always step out for a few minutes. I’ve certainly given enough junior officers that courtesy.” Everyone had personal matters to deal with and as long as it wasn’t excessive he didn’t see making his officers hate him by denying them a few minutes to go and handle something. “And if I can’t, I’ll say that and come find you later.” His leg was really hurting, he must have overworked it. As he was resting it, it hurt less but it felt like it was getting stiff, and that meant it would hurt more later. And he had PT tomorrow. He was certainly going to hear about it. But instead of rubbing it, he still had his arms around Rand, trying to comfort her.
~ Roman
It sounded so simple to him. But it wasn’t. “I can’t....” then it all came out in a rush, “I can’t do that. It was bad enough they all saw me that morning in the lab. I lied and told them my blood sugar dropped. I have absolutely no reason to randomly go tell you that. Rogers maybe, if I was working with her and needed to step away. But there is no conceivable reason for me to go tell you that instead of just getting food. I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t know how to fix what I did wrong. I made you mad, I knew I would, but I made you really mad. I’m supposed to say I’m sorry for making you mad, but I’m not sorry for making you go. But maybe I shouldn’t have, maybe I wasn’t supposed to, maybe I was supposed to help you avoid it. So I can’t, I can’t come tell you because I don’t know how to fix what I did wrong, or maybe I’m not supposed to fix it. I didn’t know if I should tell you, or how to tell you and what if I did and it made things worse? And then I just sit in here because I’m stuck. Or what if I leave my room and someone notices and reports me to Rogers or medical. They’ll send me home. I won’t be useful anymore. You don’t understand because I don’t know how to explain it and it just sounds stupid.” She wasn’t breathing calmly anymore. Then poor Rand, she didn’t miss details. Curled up with her head down she couldn’t NOT notice how his leg was held so stiffly, but moving ever so slightly to ease the discomfort. She’d watched him do that on an almost nightly basis, there was no way she wouldn’t notice. “And you hurt your leg.”
Rand
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