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side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted Sept. 28, 2022, 3:02 p.m. by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) (Jennifer Ward)

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison
Posted by… suppressed (20) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Rand nodded and then leaned in a little. “Try to drink some of the smoothie, it will hurt Gorshin’s feelings if you bring it back full. And then he’ll make you a whole buffet of them trying to find one you like.” And the last thing Roman needed was Gorshin trying to feed him a feast every time the chef saw him.

Roman chuckled just a little bit, he knew she was right about Gorshin and he did not want more food or drink he couldn’t manage to finish. He ended up finishing a little less than half the smoothie.

And that’s how their days started to go back to normal. When Roman, or Rand for that matter, woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep they would walk (and slowly Rand was able to go further) then an attempt at breakfast, and Rand would get to spend some time with Nibbles if they got up early enough. Then dinner and time in the lab for Rand after her evening shift. Elbbirt was absolutely insistent that she not give up her days off, she still needed the rest, but Rand was restless and after her next evaluation, Elbbirt extended her work hours to 2 three hour sessions. That extra two hours were allowing her to catch up on the massive back log of reports and correspondence with command. It was daunting and some of the reports they wanted clarified were from months before and people were confused and irate. Until they realized why it took Rand so long to get to them.

Rand

Roman’s sleep was bad and getting worse. He was talking to Randy, but he still wasn’t doing well. He still wasn’t eating that well, especially on particularly hard days for him. It was getting harder for Roman not to bury himself in work, but he had to try not to so he could keep taking care of Rand. He was happy when Elbbirt extended Rand’s working hours, he knew how restless she was. Their walks were longer too, and he knew that meant she was getting better. He’d started practicing jiu jitsu again, trying to keep his mind off things (it didn’t work that well) but he didn’t practice as hard or long as he used to.

~ Roman

Rand was glad to see Roman practicing his jiu jitsu again, and despite Randy’s teasing, not because she liked watching him practice. It was another return to normal. But Roman was struggling, she could finally put the pieces together, his lack of sleep, the long hours, how he was snippy and arrogant when dealing with things he found annoying or subpart.

But mostly it was the reports. It was the same pattern being repeated from last year. Rand was going to have to do something. Last year she could spend the extra hours helping him fix them or making sure they were error free, this year she couldn’t. She would much rather not push him about it, but duty came before how her heart felt about it. So that night after they returned to the lab, she made strong Scottish coffee. Then she sat on the bed cross legged beside him with the lights very low and started telling him another story. It didn’t have the flair and whimsy like before. Using her voice and acting skills to enhance the recitation, but she tried really hard.

Rand

Roman hadn’t been having Scottish coffee recently, he preferred the sleepy tea unless he really needed the coffee. So Rand’s strong coffee was enough to make Roman just a little tipsy. Her story didn’t have its usual flair, but that was okay, Roman was falling asleep to the sound of her voice anyway, his head leaned gently against her. He was asleep for longer than he had been recently, but was still awake again by the early hours of the morning.

~ Roman

Rand had stayed awake continuing the story until she was certain he was asleep. Then she got up and quietly prepped the sleepy tea, as Roman called it, for when he woke up. Then she gave herself her hypo and went to bed. She slept quietly until she woke when Roman did. Now that she knew it was a problem she would wake up when the nightmares started. She would hug him and whisper quietly until he woke up and the breathe with him.

That night after he’d started to relax she got up and started the story again where she thought he had fallen asleep while she heated the tea. Then bringing it to him she sat back down letting him lay against her.

Rand

He felt bad she woke up every time, he hated waking her up, usually multiple times per night. That night, when he’d stopped shaking and was starting to relax she got up and he reached for her as if hesitant to let her go. He sat up a little so he could drink the tea and listened to her tell her story again, leaning back against her when she sat back down by him. Soon he was back to sleep, the empty cup of tea on the bedside table.

~ Roman

Rand hadn’t wanted to get up, but she knew the tea and stories helped. It was also why she had prepped the tea so she wouldn’t have to be up long. Rand fell asleep shortly after he did. The slept later than they had been. Rand didn’t get to do more than feed Nibbles that morning before she had her rounds. She checked Roman’s reports to see if getting more sleep helped at all.

It was another routine started, but one Rand wished they could do without.

Rand

Judging by his reports, it had helped a little, but not enough. There were less mistakes, but still enough to be problematic. He looked a little better that morning, but by afternoon he looked tired again. He got himself an extra strong black tea, trying to stay awake so he could finish his work, so they’d have time for Rand to visit Nibbles after his shift that evening.

~ Roman

Rand sat at the work station in their quarters. She was torn. She didn’t know what to do. If she took the extra hour to fix the reports she didn’t have the time to catch up on all the back log. She also knew if it was anyone else, she would help where she could, but she couldn’t do their work for them. Roman would not expect her to either. In the end what decided her was the fact that showing him how his work was being affected did the most good to help him last year. So Rand collected all the reports and set them on the desk and gave them to him after his shift. She was nervous and hated it, but it could not continue.

Rand

Roman jolted when she set the reports on his desk as if he’d… maybe not been fully awake. He flipped through the reports and then looked up at Rand as if to ask what’re these? The look on her face was enough to give him the answer. He rubbed his eyes and looked at them again… Like last year, this stack of reports was full of mistakes. Little mistakes, but mistakes. Things he’d return reports to other officers for. He didn’t need to be giving Rand more work. He sighed, at himself, and took the stack, “I’ll fix them.”

~ Roman

Rand nodded, but that wasn’t the point. He was exhausted and things were only going to get worse unless he did something. She wasn’t going to argue with him in the lab though. She was tired and really just wanted dinner and bed. She spent about half an hour with Nibbles before she was ready to go up. They needed a plan for this, but she has spent extra time working and was already sleepy. Making tea that night seemed a monumental task.

Rand

Roman went up to bed with her. He could tell she was already tired, so he offered to make his own tea. He wasn’t sure what to do about his tiredness. Last year, it had been letting Rand help him and agreeing to go to Randy. He was already doing those things. It was a long, hard night for him. After his third wake-up that night, he started to cry and didn’t want to go back to sleep.

~ Roman

Rand held him while he cried. “I’m here, Ròmanach. You aren’t alone.” She whispered to him and rocked a little. It was heart breaking and she couldn’t make this better. Stories and tea weren’t going to fix this. Staying awake all night to make sure she didn’t sleep through it wasn’t going to fix it either. Maybe because she was tired herself, or maybe it was frustration at not being able to make it better or at his own stubbornness, but Rand said what she was thinking. She didn’t hedge though or sugar coat it or try to ease him into the idea. She just blurted it out after several long minutes of his despair. “Roman, this can’t continue. You aren’t sleeping, it’s affecting your work, it’s making you sick, you aren’t eating. Your body can’t handle those conditions. We have to do something. What you are doing isn’t working. You should try the medicine Randy gave me.” She squeezed him tight before he could answer. “I know you hate medications, I do understand that, but the alternative is so much worse.”

Rand

Roman lay against her for several long minutes, trying to make himself stop crying, his face pressed into her shirt at the shoulder. He didn’t want to go to sleep, but he also didn’t want to be awake, and his frustration with it all contributed to his tears alongside the nightmare itself. He took a deep, shaky breath and tried to calm himself.

Then she suggested he try the meds, the one Rand used, and squeezed him tight again before he could say ‘no’. He was upset and frustrated, like he always was after them, and he was eating enough. Maybe not as much as usual, but enough (he’d had a spell of lightheadedness the other day, that he was choosing not to think about). He wasn’t sleeping much but he wasn’t sleeping in the lab (Rand and Randy had both caught him dozing off at his desk, not quite fully asleep but certainly not alert). He was still seeing Randy. He wasn’t sick, in any sense of the word. Right? He didn’t need meds.

Rand knew if they were running instead of walking, Roman would fall. He wasn’t eating enough and he would get light headed from the exertion. They had caught him dozing, Rand even in the morning having caught him. Franks had noticed, but he had assumed Rand or Roman had had a hard night. He assumed it had to do with their injuries (Alden’s heart or Rand’s concussion) but hadn’t known how to approach Alden about it. He seemed surly and unapproachable lately.

He was seeing Randy but still refused to talk about the actual details, skirting around and avoiding and refusing to speak of the reality of what was wrong, or even admit to himself something was wrong.

He had nightmares but it… It wasn’t like Rand’s. Rand would wake screaming and flailing. Roman only woke with a start, sweaty and scared. Sometimes his heart raced, from the anxiety of the dream. Rand had nearly thrown herself out of bed that one time, too. Roman hadn’t done anything like that (not in the last year or two, anyway). He was still able to work, he just had to be more careful with his reports. He needed to work more, that’s all. Keep his mind off things.

Rand’s nightmare had been a flashback, as intense, scary, and dangerous as Roman’s had been in sickbay. Lack of sleep was making him careless and unobservant in his work. Last year he’d been scratched by the chinzilla. This year could be a lot worse. Maybe they weren’t to that point yet, but they were getting close. They should not have to get that close before he did something. Rand understood distraction, but the problem with that was he wasn’t dealing with it at all. Filling his time with work, avoiding talking about real issues with Randy and it showed up in his nightmares. The twitching, moaning, crying, cold sweats and racing heart were just as bad, and very bad for his heart. In more ways than one.

After a long moment’s hesitation he shook his head against her, wiping the tears from his eyes with his hand. “I’m okay. It… It was just a bad one this time. I’ll be okay.” His voice was quiet and a little husky, the tone shaky from the nightmare and the crying.

~ Roman

Rand sighed, frustrated, disappointed and heart aching for him, but she held onto him. Even when he shifted and wiped his face, she just held on tighter. “No you won’t. It’s not going to get better. It will get worse. I want it to get better, I do, and maybe in a few months it will. But what happens before then?” She didn’t want to push, but right now duty and her concern for Roman meant doing the same thing. “Last year you got hurt before you realized it was affecting your work. I don’t want that to happen again. Roman, I love you, and this is hard and scary, but even if you asked me, I can’t ignore it.”

Rand

What happened before then? The same as before he met her, he assumed. He’d muddle through and it would get better. It always got better, eventually. Not perfect but not so bad he was making mistakes and passing out. He just had to keep moving. He remembered what she was talking about. There were still faint marks on his arm from the Chinzilla’s scratches. “I know,” he said softly, pressing up against her with a little sigh.

“I just… I don’t…” And then he sighed irritatedly, with himself, unable to put his thoughts into words. The meds were even tempting, well, he’d seen how well they worked for her. But he just couldn’t do it, say yes that is. “It’s just a nightmare, I…” It was as if he was upset with himself for letting himself be so upset over it. “I know I’m not sleeping enough, but I’m doing okay.”

~ Roman

Rand sighed and kissed the top of his head where he was laying against her shoulder. “It’s not just a nightmare. Once in a blue moon? Maybe, but several times a night, every night, is a symptom of bigger problems. You work and work to get away from it. I understand, I do, but when you don’t deal with it…your mind does when you sleep, but then you aren’t sleeping, you aren’t resting, and…” she sighed heavily. She knew the cycle. “Sometimes....I think it’s like my anxiety.” She put strong emphasis on the ‘like’ because she wasn’t saying he had anxiety…even if he did Roman would deny it. “Sometimes I get SO worried, so anxious, that my anxiety will flair because of a situation or person or just something that it does. Even if it didn’t need to if I was so worried about it, I panic anyway. I think your nightmares are a little like that. Yes it’s your mind fighting to deal with the horrible, awful memories, but I also think you are so worried you’ll have one, or just so expectant that it will happen, sometimes it does. It’s a viscous cycle. You need a break, your mind needs a break, your body needs a break. This cycle isn’t good for you at all. I’m worried about you.” Through it all she was hugging him, holding onto both of his hands, squeezing in a slow steady rhythm.

Rand

She sounded so much like her brother, he looked up at her as if to check it was Rand he was talking to. The conversation was clearly stressing him out, he had a tight grip on her hands and his palms were still clammy. Then his other reason for not wanting meds or help came out: “I don’t want to need to go to sickbay and when I do I don’t want them to ask questions about it, or… or know. They’re doctors, they’ll know what that med is for. I don’t want them to think I can’t do my job, or…”

~ Roman

Rand looked at him and hugged him, laying her cheek on top of his head. She knew this was hard and he wanted to avoid it, but avoiding wasn’t helping him. Something he said bothered her, she didn’t want it to. This was about him, not her and her own self doubts. She didn’t think Roman thought less of her, but what if he did? That wasn’t the point though and maybe it would help him see. “Do you think because I take the medication I can’t do my job? That I shouldn’t be allowed to do my job?”

Rand

Roman looked up at her suddenly, his expression confused. “Of course not.” He sighed and settled back into her, thinking. He didn’t think less of her because of it, nor any other officer he’d worked with, under, or over, because they had… this kind of problem. It didn’t matter what he thought, though, it mattered what others thought. Especially in command. “It helps you do your job. But I’m supposed to be the first officer. What would the crew think?”

~ Roman

“The crew wouldn’t know. Unless you told them. Your medical information, that includes medication, is private and no one in medical would tell. They all respect you and their jobs too much to violate patient privacy.” Rand took a deep breath. “And if the crew did find out, no one would judge you. They all respect you. Instead they’d see that their first officer had been through something horrible, but he made steps to take care of himself and still be a leader they respect. It might even encourage one of them to seek help rather than hide it. Having a first officer that has gone through everything you have in the last few years, and not be affected by it…well that’s daunting to the crew. They can’t live up to that superhuman expectation, but they can follow your example.”

Rand

Roman was quiet for several moments, laying against her, focusing on the steady rhythm with which she squeezed his hands. Was it that objectively awful? He knew how it made him feel, but he always assumed he exaggerated. Made a big deal out of something that didn’t need to be. He had to blink away more tears. He couldn’t even think about it in passing, he had to distance himself from it. Her words reminded him too of what Randy said when he tried to tell Roman it was PTSD. You know… Rand has it, too, and she serves with distinction.

He sighed and looked up at her, still unable to make himself say yes and be comfortable following through with it. “I don’t think poorly of you for it, or for your anxiety, and I wouldn’t anyone else, either. I hope you know that.” He said, the way she’d asked if he didn’t think she could or should do her job weighing on him.

~ Roman

Rand nodded, she was supposed to. Her heart knew it, believed it, but then her head got involved and couldn’t stop the spiral and she analyzed and wondered and examined until she didn’t know which way was up. He said he didn’t think poorly of her or anyone else, but yet he felt it showed weakness in himself. It was awfully easy to forgive flaws in lesser beings. Maybe that was the problem. Roman was not like her or the rest. She never really felt she was good enough for him, but it was too late to worry about that. She was deeply and completely in love with him. She was going to marry him. She would just have to find a way to be better. How could she be his match, his partner otherwise? She would have to set herself to the same ridiculous standards.....Oh

“If you wouldn’t think poorly of me or anyone else, why do you think so poorly of yourself? Why do you insist on holding to these ridiculous standards your family set when you know they are wrong. There is a time and place to put forth face and airs and the nobility they taught you. But that is fake nobility, not what is so inherent and obviously a part of who you are and not what they would have made you. And that place is not here, in our quarters.” Her hand squeezed hard on the ‘here’ and she swallowed a crack in her voice. Then she took a deep breath and let it out slowly with him. “You have let go of their expectations and prejudices for everyone else. It’s time you do it for yourself too.”

Rand

Roman shook his head to her first two questions, a silent and sad I don’t know. Tears threatened to fall again and he felt stupid crying over this. He felt stupid crying over his nightmares, too, but this even more so. He rested his head gently against her chest and tried to keep his breaths even. He looked up at her when she squeezed his hand harder on the word here, and nodded slightly. Then he took a deep breath with her. He felt like he’d been talking to Randy. Jay had always said something like that, too… But if Roman thought about that, he’d start sobbing again and he really didn’t want to. “I don’t know how.”

~ Roman

Rand let go of one hand and wiped his face silently and then took his hand again. She took several more deep breaths. “When you hear their expectations in your head, the lessons and endless pointless rules, you stop listening. You tell yourself to do the opposite or what you would tell me or Jay or Randy to do. You realize and believe whole heartedly that you are safe, accepted, and wanted as you are right here in this place. Then…then you do the scariest thing in the entire galaxy. You feel for however long and violently it takes. You aren’t alone. Then when it’s over…you sleep or try to, and are just quiet for awhile.” Her voice held a strong tone of memory and emotion to it.

Rand


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