STF

side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted Sept. 29, 2022, 12:16 p.m. by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) (Lucas Foxley)

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison
Posted by… suppressed (9) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Rand let go of one hand and wiped his face silently and then took his hand again. She took several more deep breaths. “When you hear their expectations in your head, the lessons and endless pointless rules, you stop listening. You tell yourself to do the opposite or what you would tell me or Jay or Randy to do. You realize and believe whole heartedly that you are safe, accepted, and wanted as you are right here in this place. Then…then you do the scariest thing in the entire galaxy. You feel for however long and violently it takes. You aren’t alone. Then when it’s over…you sleep or try to, and are just quiet for awhile.” Her voice held a strong tone of memory and emotion to it.

Rand

It wasn’t just their lessons and pointless rules but the judgements and expectations they placed on other people. The things they’d say about people on the news, or in the store. Because if a stranger was less-than for doing or needing something, then the same would surely apply to family? The mention of Jay’s name made him blink, hard, trying to get the image of his nightmare out of his head.

He looked at her as if she’d asked him to do the impossible. By the tone of her voice though she wasn’t just giving advice worthy of one of Randy’s sessions but reciting something she had once needed to do. He just wasn’t sure he could do that, so he nodded absently and then rested his head on her again, tired but still not wanting to sleep.

~ Roman

Rand held him quietly for a long time. Neither of them were going to go to sleep, but she just felt certain that if she suggested they get up and do something, it would only make things exponentially worse. She sat in silence with him for a long time, counting their breaths and holding onto him.

Roman lay quietly on her, wishing he could sleep. Or that he could get up and go to work or do something else. But he got the feeling Rand would be upset if he tried to distract himself with something else. He let out a long sigh and stayed right there, laying on her, his hands in hers. A quick peek at the clock said it was only 0300. A long time before his shift.

Finally… “And if you aren’t ready for that…if it’s too big to even think about right now, we could start by making sure you don’t have to be afraid to sleep.”

Rand

The idea of meds still put him off, because of his fear of sickbay (and anything ‘to do with’ sickbay) so he squeezed her hands and looked up at her, “Can I think about it?”

~ Roman

She smiled, not happy but understanding. “Roman I’m not going to make you do anything. Just…really think about it, please? Not just say that so we can stop talking, and then you ignore it. Please? Really think about what we can do and what you are willing to try.” He couldn’t go on like this. Last year was bad…this year was as bad and if it got worse…Rand didn’t want to think about the consequences. She didn’t say anything else, but continued ot squeeze his hand and breathe.

Rand

Roman grinned sheepishly for a moment, but then his expression turned serious again and he nodded. “Really, honestly, I will.” He was still denying how bad it was, he could make it through the day. He’d just need his tea. As for what they could do and what he’d try… Well, besides the meds he didn’t know what else there was.

He sat in silence with her for a while, focusing on breathing with her, until he peeked at the time again and then up at her. “You should get some sleep yourself.” He didn’t want to stay up alone but it wasn’t good for her, losing out on this much sleep. “It’s not good for your head, for your recovery.”

~ Roman

Rand was staring into the darkness but her mouth quirked a little. She was tired, but then she was always tired. Most days she didn’t feel like she would ever get enough sleep. She could play that game though. “No it probably isn’t, but It’s not good for your heart either.” She hugged him tightly, her hands letting go and wrapping around him, as if she could hold him to her. Her face hidden against his neck. She didn’t know what was worse: sitting next to his bed hooked up to the cardiac support unit, IV fluids but not in pain because of the meds, and wondering if he’d make it the next few hours. OR watching him not sleep and not eat and not be able to do the things that he loved because no distraction was really enough. Waiting and hoping that the world didn’t crash around him like it had for her. Her voice was muffled by his neck and shoulder. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.” And she hugged him tighter.

Rand

Roman smiled playfully, hugging her back, wrapping his arms tightly around her. “You heard the doctor, I’m all healed,” he said, his tone making clear he wasn’t… entirely serious. There was no better place to him than cuddled tightly against her, her warm breath against his neck where her face rested against him. At her words he looked down at her, then started to rub her back gently, leaning back with her. No, he was not above trying to put her back to sleep.

~ Roman

Rand leaned back with him, hoping he was at least trying to relax and rest. It was comfortable and warm curled against him. This was her favorite place when Roman hugged her and held her close. His hand moved slowly up and down her back in a familiar and soothing motion. The room was dark and there wasn’t much to stare at. She tightened her arms around him, closing her eyes for a moment.

No…her eyes snapped open. No she had to stay awake. She couldn’t leave him alone with his memories. She wiggled gently, squirmed slightly, her back arching just a bit, trying to avoid the rhythmic motion of his hand against her back. But he just kept it up. All that movement woke her up for a minute, but also served to cuddle her closer where she was warmer and closer. Still he kept running Ng her back. A yawn rushed it’s way up from her core and she clamped her teeth and the muscle in her neck strained around her throat to keep it inside. She could not fall asleep. The yawn forced its way out, widely and seemingly overloud in the quiet. It would be so nice to just close her eyes and drift in the quiet with him. No! Stay awake. Had to stay awake. She needed water, or to just get up and stretch, but she couldn’t let go of him. Maybe he wanted tea? She mumbled something incoherent that ended with ‘tea’. It was a sleepy sound rather than a confused one. Her breath changed from where she has been forcing deep long breaths, and it was now soft long breaths but not nearly as deep as she started following the rhythm of his hand on her back. Oh… He was trying to make her go to sleep. That was such a nice idea. No…wait…she moved around a little again trying to avoid the desire to fall asleep, to stay awake with him. It was nice there curled up against him. Her hands stopped squeezing his and it was more like her fingers twitched, but rhythmically. Rand felt like she fought to stay awake for hours, but really less than half an hour. A sudden long sigh and her breath feathered across his skin, and her body relaxed pressing closer as she fell asleep.

Rand

Rand fell asleep quickly, in Roman’s opinion. Then again, he was ready to wait out the next three to four hours before they were supposed to get up. She tried to stay awake, he felt her wiggle around and then she mumbled something about tea, but she was tired enough, ‘tea’ was the only intelligible word. Roman made his voice soft and soothing when he spoke, still keeping his hand moving gently on her back. “No, no tea… Not right now.” He knew what he was doing. It was more important to him that she get the sleep she needed. A long, warm breath tickled his skin and, looking down he could tell she was asleep.

He sat quietly, still occasionally moving his hand across her back, for some time after she fell asleep. It helped just for her to be there at all, though not as much as if she were awake. Alone in the dark and quiet it was difficult not to think about things he didn’t want to. He started his old trick of reciting scientific facts. The elemental table, then the building blocks of life. Eventually he grew tired and struggled to stay awake himself. He couldn’t go back to sleep. Couldn’t see it again, not that nightmare. If it wasn’t the attack itself, it was the stay in sickbay afterwards, especially that time during the week after the attack. Tonight’s horror was the attack itself.

Roman’s eyes drifted closed briefly, only for the scene he’d woken up from to appear, frozen, behind his closed eyelids. The fires, seeing him like that… His throat nearly felt hoarse all over again. Roman’s eyes flew open, his fist gripping Rand’s shirt, new tears making their way down his face. No… He had to stay calm. Breathe slowly. He couldn’t wake her. He forced the tension in his fist to relax and began rubbing her back again, trying to keep his mind grounded in the present. It wasn’t working very well.

Rand stirred as he gripped her shirt. Her lips pressed to his neck, and then her arms tightened around him. Then his hand started moving again and she relaxed. If she was awake she would find it very unfair he could send her or keep her asleep so easily.

Waiting for time to get up felt like forever. It was times like these he used to pace his quarters, go to the lab, anything but lay there alone in the dark. But he couldn’t do that now. He had to stay with Rand so she’d stay asleep.

~ Roman

A sixth sense, maybe familiarity and the fact she was so worried about him, or the tension in his muscles, but Rand woke. “It’s okay Roman. I’m here. It’s okay. I love you, it’s all over.” Her voice was soft and held a sleepy quality, but she was clearly aware. She hugged him tightly, and then she sat up a little and kissed him. She wasn’t sure why she did except that always made her feel better, and it was a wonderful thing rather than a frightening memory.

Rand

Roman’s heart raced again as he struggled to keep his breaths calm. Her voice helped release some of his tension, and he melted into her hug. Her kisses always made his brain turn to pleasant mush and right now that was a very welcome feeling. The memories seemed to melt away until all that was left was him and her, the remainder of the tension melting out of him.

~ Roman

Rand tried to pour into that moment how much she loved him, to make him know in every cell that he wasn’t alone, the we was alive and life was wonderful. That there were more wonderful memories to recall. As if she could be the barrier between him and the nightmares, or at least she wished she could be. The words bubbled up from some hidden locked away memory, leaking out in the intensity of the tradgedy they were battling to give express the strength they had between them. She didn’t know where the words came from or their significance but Roman would recognize them from Shakespeare and that moment so long ago in her office. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite.” Then she kissed him again.

Rand

Roman recognized the quote, both from the play in which it was written, and that moment so long ago in her office. One of those sweet memories of which she wished to remind him. He was blissfully lost in the moment with her when she kissed him again. His arms still around her he tightened his grip pulling her toward him, pressing up against her. In a short break in their kiss he uttered the next line in the play: “O blessèd, blessèd night! I am afeard, Being in night, all this is but a dream, Too flattering sweet to be substantial.” It reminded him of that day in her office, and of the day in her quarters, too, when they had admitted their feelings. Then he resumed her kiss, unwilling to let the moment end.

~ Roman

The kiss turned deeper, slightly more passionate than Rand had intended, but she didn’t mind. Roman held her tighter and her hands slipped around him in kind. The words were sweet and felt so familiar. They niggled and teased at a memory that was so clear, but the words lost. She struggled to bring it to focus, but her mind refused - she wanted desperately to remember. Then he was kissing her again and it made her mind muddled and fuzzy. Then slowly, it wasn’t perfect, not exact, not like it should be. “Three words, dear Ròmanach....if thy bent of love be....marriage, send me word tomorrow.....where and what time…the rite....all of my fortunes....I’ll lay and follow thee, my lord, throughout the world.” The words were punctuated between kisses and sighs. She smiled gently, reminded of perfect, wonderful moments with him.

Rand

It was finally, finally time to get up and moving for the day and Roman didn’t want to get up because that would mean not being next to her. He sighed against her, eyes closed for a moment, and then hugged her again before he stood and stretched. He wished there was more time to just lay with her, but at least she had accomplished her goal. He did not look quite so upset as he had earlier. He was smiling down at her playfully, “I wish we could stay here all day, but I’ve got to get moving or I’ll be late on shift.”

~ Roman


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