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side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted Sept. 30, 2022, 6:37 p.m. by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) (Jennifer Ward)

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison
Posted by… suppressed (22) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
It was finally, finally time to get up and moving for the day and Roman didn’t want to get up because that would mean not being next to her. He sighed against her, eyes closed for a moment, and then hugged her again before he stood and stretched. He wished there was more time to just lay with her, but at least she had accomplished her goal. He did not look quite so upset as he had earlier. He was smiling down at her playfully, “I wish we could stay here all day, but I’ve got to get moving or I’ll be late on shift.”

~ Roman

Rand smiled up at Roman. “I wish we could too.” Then what he said sank in. If he was going to be late then so was she. Her shift started before his. She scrambled up from the bed suddenly, “I am late.” She moved a little too fast and held onto his arms for a moment as a moment of dizziness passed. She looked bemused and blushed to the roots of her hair. It took Rand fifteen minutes to get ready, not long but longer than normal. She paused and glanced at the counter. “I didn’t get to make tea…” That bothered her. Roman could get it in the Galley from Gorshin, but she liked making it. She didn’t have time. The reason why she didn’t have time made her flush again.

Roman was glad to let her use him to help balance. He held onto her until she was steady and then grinned when she blushed. “That’s okay. I’ll get it downstairs.” He said with a little shrug. He gave her a quick hug, amused as she flushed again. It took him just over ten minutes to get ready.

“Should…should I come down for lunch?” She wasn’t trying to make him eat, though he should, but she didn’t want to leave him after last night. She didn’t want to wait till after her shift to see him either.

Rand

Roman paused, hesitated a moment, and then nodded. It’s okay to need someone. “I’ll be in my office, I have a meeting just before lunch.” He said, meaning the actual CSO office. “I’ll see you then.” He said, and then with one more quick kiss he was gone.

His first stop of the morning was the galley. Despite doing his best to hide it, he was visibly exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes. “Tea. Extra strong today, please.” He said. He didn’t ask for anything to eat. He didn’t feel hungry, still.

Then it was off to the lab for a busy morning. He had a spell of lightheadedness in the lab, that he wrote off as standing too quickly, and his tea failed to keep him awake all morning. His reports weren’t done by the time he went in to his office for the meeting he’d told Rand about and he decided he’d have to finish them later.

~ Roman

As things happen, Rand didn’t show up for lunch.

After picking up the captain’s breakfast and compiling the morning reports for her meeting, Rand returned to their quarters and sat down at the computer. She wanted to get as much work done as possible. She finally felt like she was making a dent in the back log. She was making her way through reports and inquiries from the month that Roman had been in sickbay after he’d been attacked. There was so much back log. It wasn’t a lot of effort to take those reports and compress them and send them off to command. Some inquiries were simply a matter of attached extra documents that had been forgotten or double checking numbers.

Finally Rand came across an unusual request, because it didn’t happen often and not the type of request, for a witness account report to be resubmitted. Rand pulled it up…it was for one Ensign Kovan ch’Sirhc concerning his eye witness of the attack on Cmdr Roman Alden. Rand had to sit there a moment before that sank in. Kovan had not been in the lab when the machine malfunctioned. Then she opened it and read it to see what was wrong with it.

What was wrong was it wasn’t detailed enough. Not for command to use as evidence in a trial. Kovan had been rather flippant. It was not detailed enough for her. As she read, ice seeped into her body and she felt the need to be sick. She rushed into the bathroom. Long minutes passed before she returned to the computer, dutifully like a robot, transferred the report to her PaDD. Roman had been shot, twice, by the assassin. Kovan knew....RANDY knew. No one told her....Rand pulled up the other incident reports and ship’s logs. Scanning them, Rand’s hands began to shake, her ears roaring painfully and the edges of her vision went black, then red, and then black again. Roman had been treated for the wounds several times a day, he’d....he’d had an infection and been given medication. He…he’d been in sickbay alone. Irrationally all she could think of was she’d promised to go with him whenever he had to be in sickbay…and she wasn’t. She hadn’t been there…she’d been confined to sickbay at the time, she could have been. She had no work, no duty shifts, nothing to stop her from being there....

She picked up her PaDD, straightened her uniform and took a bracing breath before heading to engineering to find Kovan. Randy was coming down the corridor. “Hey Rand!”

“Rach gu ifrinn, Randall!”

“Whoa! What’s going on?”

Rand glared at him. “Nothing. I have work to do.” She turned her PaDD around, “Like getting Kovan’s report on Cmdr Alden being shot fixed and ready for trial.”

Randy was the one that showed up at lunch. He knocked on the office door and waited.

Rand

Roman had finished his meeting slightly early, and then chosen to wait for Rand. She never turned up, but that wouldn’t occur to him, because he had dozed off at his desk. Randy’s knock jolted him awake and, assuming it would be Rand, he went to the door and pressed the control to open it, with a tired smile that faded slightly when he saw who it was. “Randy? Is something wrong?”

~ Roman

Randy took in the very tired look on Roman’s face. That would have to wait though. He had a feeling Roman was about to be losing sleep for a while other reason. “Can I come in?” It was clipped, strained but not angry. He didn’t wait for an answer just moved Alden back inside by sheer need because Randy would have walked over him. Randy hit the control as he passed to shut the door. “You might want to sit.” But he didn’t wait for Roman to sit as he turned to face him. “Rand knows.” And he added just so there was no confusion, “About you getting shot.”

Randy

Roman looked upset, but not surprised. It was a time-bomb he had been dreading for a while now. He leaned a hand on his desk, struck by another spell of lightheadedness but trying to hide it. “That couldn’t have happened at a worse time.” Then he sighed, “I should have told her. I was going to…” Then he shook his head and looked up at Randy. “I take it she’s angry?” Of course she was. Everyone she cared about lied to her. He worried about how he’d sleep, and then immediately chastised himself for having such a selfish worry. “What should I do?”

~ Roman

Randy reached out a hand to steady him. By now Randy wasn’t likely to miss anything with Roman. “You okay? Your heart or head?”

“My heart’s fine,” Roman snapped and then immediately sighed and sat down. “Sorry. I’m just tired, I think.”

Randy nodded, “Bet you haven’t eaten either.” Then he held up both hands. “Sorry.”

Roman looked like he was going to give another snippy response but instead just shook his head. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d more than nibbled off something.

Randy sighed. “I don’t know. When I saw her and tried to talk to her she…rather forcefully and loudly told me ‘Rach gu ifrinn, Randall.’ She never calls me Randall unless she’s mad at me or really hurt. I do know she’ll fall back into, ‘what she’s supposed to do.’ So I wouldn’t try to talk to her while she’s on duty or when you are supposed to be either.”

Randy

Roman nodded, frowning and thinking. “Maybe I’ll just wait for her to come to me,” He looked at the clock and then back to Randy, “She was supposed to meet me for lunch, looks like she’s not coming. That’s why I thought you were her.” He sighed and repeated, “I should’ve just told her by now.”

~ Roman

“Well I came straight here, well almost, so she’s probably dealing with getting Kovan’s report fixed. But I wanted to give you a head’s up that she knew.” Randy looked at the clock, “She shouldn’t still be working right now though.” He crossed his arms and just shook his head. “We should have told her by now. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don’t know if she’s angry or just hurt, or both. Do whatever you think is best. But we both know we can’t let her stew in it too long.”

Randy

Roman nodded, “Thank you.” He nodded again, “I’ll look for her after her afternoon shift if she hasn’t come to me by then.” He hoped he wouldn’t have to look for her, he barely had the energy to finish out his own day. But he also knew Randy was right, he couldn’t just let her stew in it.

~ Roman

Rand did not go to see him, but she did appear in the lab. 30 minutes before her second shift started. She went into the cabinet, grabbed a container and then sat down at the stool by Nibbles cage. She didn’t know how she felt because she was trying really hard to not think about it. Nor did she know what she should do about it. She did know she couldn’t ignore Nibbles, no matter what she felt. It wasn’t fair to the little mouse. Rand was her only family and that carried responsibility. She hadn’t meant to but she’d abandoned Nibbles while she was hurt. Apparently she had abandoned Roman too, but didn’t know she had because no one told her. Why? Or did she forget because she hurt her head? How could she forget something soooo important? She stayed exactly 30 minutes, wrote her observations, and left for her shift as quietly as she appeared.

Rand

Roman wasn’t in the lab when she was there, which was unusual for the time of day. When he did return to the lab later, Franks told him Rand had been there for about half an hour, he thought, but she hadn’t spoken to anyone. That made Roman really worried. He worked until he knew she would be off shift. It served two purposes, letting him distract himself with work and pass the time till he could talk to her. At 1800, by which time Rand was almost always done working, he went looking for her.

~ Roman

Rand finished her rounds, but didn’t know where to go. Roman’s quarters? Randy’s? She had no where else. She could kick Randy out. Those we’re the yeoman’s quarters and Randy wasn’t a yeoman anymore. Just a fill in, but…she sighed. She couldn’t even go to her office. She couldn’t make herself go in.

She understood now. Before she’d been upset, a little hurt, a lot angry they had all lied to her. Now she was hurt, the whole thing growing and aching inside her. Even if she had known what to say she couldn’t have talked to him. They were both on duty. She was too afraid of what he would say. She had no rules or experience to know what to do. She would ask Randy, but…he had lied to her too. The idea of waiting in his quarters my her dizzy and sick.

She snuck into the Galley instead and found the furthest, darkest corner and sat by herself with a melting glass of ice water.

Rand

A very tired Roman was both relieved and saddened to find her sitting alone in the galley, away from everyone else. He knew she would be angry, that was why he had been afraid to tell her. But now she didn’t look angry and that was worse somehow. He sat down at the table she was sitting at, across from her, silent for a moment, and then, “Randy stopped by my office today.”

~ Roman

Rand heard his steps, before she saw him. She saw his shoes enter into her field of vision. He sat and her anxiety rocketed. It would have been worse if he had walked away. She wanted to think it better if he hadn’t come, but that was a lie. The glass was sweating, the condensation pooling on the table at the base of the glass. The glass turned smoothly along the table top as she twisted it with her fingers. Of course Randy went to see him. She just nodded. Rand wanted to explain that she had to get several files ready and sent off and that’s why she missed lunch. It was true, but that wasn’t everything. She didn’t know what to say and she didn’t trust her voice to stay steady and quiet.

Rand

Roman looked unbelievably guilty. He wouldn’t quite meet her eyes, instead he seemed to look anywhere but her. He wasn’t going to mention lunch. He’d missed her, he needed her right now, but he knew why she missed it. She was rightfully angry and probably felt betrayed. He would. He didn’t want to start by trying to excuse it, explain it away, but the words I’m sorry felt inadequate to describe how he felt.

“I wanted you there, in… in sickbay.” It wasn’t his favorite time to remember. His panic was downright embarrassing. But all he had been able to picture at the time was a confused Rand, crying because she thought she’d dreamed up their engagement and all the possibilities her confused mind might come up with when she found out he was shot. “But it wasn’t your fault you weren’t there. It was mine.”

~ Roman

Rand was looking everywhere but at him, so she didn’t notice how guilty he looked. He wanted her there, but didn’t need her. He was able to handle things on his own. Of course, he had been managing just fine before he met her and had to deal with her nagging. It wasn’t her fault, but his? So much for that hope: that he had told her but because of her head she had forgotten. She could hear the roaring, feel the air rushing to exit the room and there wasn’t enough to breathe in. She wanted to leave but didn’t want people to watch or wonder what was going on. And she couldn’t answer, she would cry.

Rand

Roman would have laughed if she said that to him. Managing just fine? He was so late to every yearly physical they had to threaten him with punishment to make him go. He would not go to sickbay for anything else unless duty required him like delivering reports. He had ignored his leg for three years and without her would have continued to do so. And it would have cost him his leg, maybe his life. Or his career, which was his life, the only thing he had or cared about before her. He had avoided, insulted, or ignored any ‘help’ he had been offered or given, hidden everything away. Without her his nightmares could have destroyed his career by now. Maybe they still would.

Didn’t need her for the burns? Randy had to threaten, drag, or guilt Roman into going every single time and each time Roman was terrified the whole time he was there. The infection was caused by him trying to do too much too soon (and playing with his bandages). And when they told him it was infected, he’d panicked, he had needed her there. He was just trying to protect her by not telling her so she didn’t slow her own recovery. She’d been so upset in sickbay…

He waited for an answer but there was none so he went on, “Randy said the stress would make your concussion worse. That you could get confused, think-” he stopped abruptly and had to take a breath, his voice shaking, “Think I was fatally injured or that I’d died, or…” He sighed, “Miranda you thought you’d dreamed our entire relationship.” Then he shook his head, “And I should have told you after that, when you were well but by then it had been so long I didn’t know how to bring it up, and then…” He stopped. And then his nightmares had gotten worse, and selfishly, he hadn’t wanted her to be angry when he needed her so badly. Because he couldn’t manage his own emotions, his own problems. This was about her, not him, he reminded himself. “I’m only doing exactly what I tell officers not to. Excusing. All I can say is I’m sorry.”

~ Roman

So…it was her fault or the concussion’s fault. She wasn’t stable enough, not strong enough. She hadn’t been useful enough because of her head. It always came back to that. This time her head has been physically ill, before it was just mental. Randy. Randy had decided. He had been deciding things for her for so long. She supposed he didn’t know how to stop. She wanted to be angry, and she guessed she was a little. If she wasn’t useful to those she cared most about because her head, then what was she doing serving? It was one thing to be hampered by a broken heart (tears pooled and it was so hard to breathe and her hands clasped white knuckled and she might crack her own bones. Her arms felt like thousands of knives were stabbing her.) But it was another for her mind to be useless and damaged. If she couldn’t think straight....she had nothing…not even duty....she was useless

She nodded slowly, her voice strained, cracked not even a whisper. Her stutter was horrible.”I…I…I uh…uhn…unders…s…s…tand.” Roman would see something was wrong…not just the stutter, but he could see the pulse racing in her neck and she wasn’t breathing right, she was making a strange wheezing sound - she was hyperventilating. She stood suddenly, everything shook. She was panicking, full blown, irrational, unthinking, and flight mode - and running away.

Rand

Roman could tell she was hyperventilating. She was going to make herself pass out. He went after her, slipping an arm around her, “I know you’re angry with me but let me help,” he said quietly, looking around. No one was looking at them. “Where do you want to go?” Their quarters he assumed would be the most calming but then, he guessed there was a reason she hadn’t gone there in the first place. He couldn’t guess what she was thinking, that the lie had mad her feel “not useful”, so he didn’t know what to say to help. He thought she was just hurt and angry he’d lied, after he’d promised never to do it again after his leg. He wouldn’t have done it again, if he felt there had been a choice.

~ Roman

His arm felt solid and safe. Shame filled her as she leaned into him. She didn’t deserve it. She shook her head. She didn’t know. The question seemed too complicated. Where was she supposed to go? Why would he even want someone as useless as her around? Everything was fine before she got hurt. What has she done to have someone want to kill her? What has she done wrong? He had been doing everything for her. Was it guilt? Did he do it because he felt he had to? Because she couldn’t? Guilt and pity?

She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe. Her head hurt and she felt confused, she wasn’t sure why she was there. She had to get out of there. But where? Where did she belong. Certainly not with Roman and Randy…not anymore. She shook her head again. “C..ccc.can’t.” She couldn’t breathe.

Rand

Roman considered lifting her but in the middle of the galley that would embarrass her, so instead he kept his arm around her, supporting her, and started leading her towards the lift, taking her back to their quarters. It was somewhere comfortable and relaxing and he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know what was causing anxiety for her.

~ Roman

Rand thought maybe he was taking her to sickbay. It was the only thing that made sense to her, so when they neared the door to sickbay she started to turn to go in. Roman’s arm was tight around her though and he kept leading her away, toward a lift. She was confused but just followed.

It was all she could manage, to just follow, she couldn’t breathe, her vision was dark and blurry, and her heart felt like it was constricting in on itself. If Roman had died, would they have told her? Or would she still be waiting for him to get off his shift or return from some lie of an away mission? Would Randy would have let her attend the funeral? Would he have allowed her to grieve or kept her sedated? Would he have told her Roman wasn’t real, that it had been a dream? How far would the lie go?

Her breath began to wheeze in and out of her lungs as they walked. She’d promised she would stay with him in sickbay. She wouldn’t leave him alone. Rand didn’t make promises easily or freely, she gave everything to them. They had decided she couldn’t do it and so had tossed it away as worthless. A broken heart and a broken mind were exactly that - worthless. The longer they walked the worse the wheezing got, but she walked anyway. Maybe he was taking her to Randy? She didn’t want to go to Randy, she’d been his responsibility too long anyway. She blinked…where was she? This didn’t look like anywhere on Earth…Sentinel, but where? It didn’t matter.

Rand

Roman leaned on the wall of the lift as they waited for it to reach deck 3. Rand was still quiet and her wheezing breaths had gotten louder, it didn’t sound good at all. When the lift doors opened he led her down the hallway, staying between her and her office. Now wasn’t the time to worry about that. He led her into their quarters, sat her down on the bed and set her stuffed Kelpie in her lap. Then he sat down next to her and set an arm around her. “Tell me what’s making you anxious.” His voice was soft and understanding, “And if it’s me or what I did, I won’t be upset.”

~ Roman

Rand sat when he made her and would have gotten up and bolted if he hadn’t set the kelpie on her lap. It was rather heavy, meant to give compression and be noticable. And then he put his arm around her. She shook her head ‘no’, it wasn’t or what he did......well was it? She didn’t know. He wouldn’t be upset. Of course not, he’d known for months now that he didn’t need her, that she wasn’t capable. He knew so why did she have to say it? To make sure she knew? To make sure she understood she had no place there anymore? Her anxiety attack was full blown and there was no way for her to see logic and reality until it was over. She shook her head over and over, which really wasn’t a good idea. Roman didn’t need her, Randy never had, and the last months only proved the crew didn’t need her either. “D…d d don’t nnnn…need me.” Her lungs heaved but couldn’t get air. “P…pr..p..p p promised.” Randy had said not to tell her, the whole crew had to know what happened…no one said anything, no one told her. “Lie…lia…bility..........ca....aaan’t th…th th ink.” Her breath sounded even worse suddenly, not just wheezing but gasping. Her fist bunched in her shirt over her chest, pressing hard. Her heart hurt, she couldn’t breath and the roaring in her eyes was so loud she couldn’t hear herself think, and everything was turning grey and blurry.

Rand

Roman pulled her into a full hug, pressing her to him, trying to help calm her down. Usually, his hugs seemed to help a lot. It was hard to understand her, he was pretty sure he had the right idea though and it made him feel awful. Randy had advised Roman multiple times how to handle her panic attacks. He needed to wait until it was over, she wasn’t in a space to think rationally. “Everyone needs you, the crew has been asking when you’ll be back for weeks. And you know I need you more than anyone… You’re not a liability at all.” If only he’d just told her. He waited with her a few minutes, hugging her tightly. They could have a more productive discussion when she wasn’t in full panic mode. For now he just needed to help her calm down and feel a little better.

~ Roman

She found herself hidden against his chest, pressed, squeezed, up against him. She actually fought against him, struggled and tried to push away from him so she could run. His words didn’t really register anymore. She felt the rumble as the air and sound moved through is lungs, but she didn’t process any of it. He hugged her tightly as if he could keep all the swirling confused broken pieces of her in place. Warmth and strength seeped into her and she finally stilled, but her breathe didn’t seem to be able to slow. Her heart pounded painfully and every so often she shook, trembled. Her chest hurt painfully and it scared her to the point she started to cry and couldn’t stop and it only made everything worse. The only good thing was she wasn’t sobbing because her breath wouldn’t come easily enough to let her.

Rand


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