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side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted Oct. 2, 2022, 7 p.m. by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) (Lucas Foxley)

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison
Posted by… suppressed (21) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman pulled her into a full hug, pressing her to him, trying to help calm her down. Usually, his hugs seemed to help a lot. It was hard to understand her, he was pretty sure he had the right idea though and it made him feel awful. Randy had advised Roman multiple times how to handle her panic attacks. He needed to wait until it was over, she wasn’t in a space to think rationally. “Everyone needs you, the crew has been asking when you’ll be back for weeks. And you know I need you more than anyone… You’re not a liability at all.” If only he’d just told her. He waited with her a few minutes, hugging her tightly. They could have a more productive discussion when she wasn’t in full panic mode. For now he just needed to help her calm down and feel a little better.

~ Roman

She found herself hidden against his chest, pressed, squeezed, up against him. She actually fought against him, struggled and tried to push away from him so she could run. His words didn’t really register anymore. She felt the rumble as the air and sound moved through is lungs, but she didn’t process any of it. He hugged her tightly as if he could keep all the swirling confused broken pieces of her in place. Warmth and strength seeped into her and she finally stilled, but her breathe didn’t seem to be able to slow. Her heart pounded painfully and every so often she shook, trembled. Her chest hurt painfully and it scared her to the point she started to cry and couldn’t stop and it only made everything worse. The only good thing was she wasn’t sobbing because her breath wouldn’t come easily enough to let her.

Rand

Roman spoke soothingly, not about the lie or anything else of importance, just using the familiarity of his voice to help calm her. It worried him when she fought but then she stopped and instead began to cry, so he held on. He would wait all night if he had to, for her to calm. However long it took.

~ Roman

It seemed to take forever before she could clearly mutter, “My chest hurts, I can’t breathe.” Which oddly enough meant she was doing better, but she sounded terrified. She was trying to bury into him, as she told him that quietly over and over. After nearly an hour she finally grew quiet, except for the labored breaths, listening to his voice.
Roman might have thought she was asleep, and maybe she was, but still struggling. However the worst seemed to be past, now she was exhausted and hurting and confused.

Rand

“It’s okay, just breathe,” Roman said softly, still holding her. He knew it meant she was doing better, because now she could breathe well enough to say she couldn’t breathe. He leaned against the bed’s headboard. If she was asleep, that was okay. He wasn’t interested in sleeping himself anyway, certainly not now when he wasn’t sure she’d be there if he woke up. Though the worst was over, he kept waiting. Either she was asleep, or tired and probably not ready to talk about it.

~ Roman

She tried. Rand tried to breathe, she wanted it to be okay. It didn’t feel like it would be. How could it be okay when she had no place here? When she couldn’t do her job? Everyone had a place and purpose on a starship, but they had learned to function without her. For a short time was a small thing, expected, but long term…meant she was unnecessary. Leaning back against the headboard was the best thing Roman could have done then. It took some of the pressure off her chest, relaxed muscle and limbs. It let her breath ease and in turn her heart slowed and didn’t hurt so much. Rand couldn’t have slept. She was exhausted and desperately wanting to be numb.

The other thing leaning back did was let Roman see his side table. On it was a small black ring box he had never seen..there was a note with his name on it.

Rand

Roman didn’t notice the box right away. He was too relieved she seemed to be relaxing. He felt her muscles loosen and her breaths slow, coming easier. It took a few minutes before he looked over, still waiting for her to be completely calm. He kept one arm around her and used the other to reach over and pick up the note.

~ Roman

Rand felt him move slightly, and her breath hitched. Her hand gripped his shirt. Was he eager to go back to work? Did he hate being here with her. She made her hand relax, not hold on, to breathe slowly even though it hurt.

The note was hand written on a beautiful real ivory linen paper. Rand’s script was elegant and traditional, a lost art form. Written in Gaelic:
You are the star of each night,
You are the brightness of every morning,
You are the story of each guest,
You are the report of every land.
No evil shall befall you, on hill nor bank,
In field or valley, on mountain or in glen.
Neither above, nor below, neither in sea,
Nor on shore, in skies above,
Nor in the depths.
You are the kernel of my heart,
You are the face of my sun,
You are the harp of my music,
You are the crown of my company

Inside the box was a ring, 2/3rds the width of a normal man’s ring. It was made of black meteorite with a single sapphire blue diamond set into the band.

Rand

Roman rubbed her back lightly. He wasn’t going anywhere. Rand’s script would impress his mother and that was a feat indeed. And the paper! It must have been impossible to get this on board. He looked down at Rand after he read the poem, an incredibly touching piece written in her language, Gaelic. He had to reach again to grab the small ring box, tightening his other arm around her, and then when he was settled back in place, opened the box. Inside was a black ring, stone. Meteorite. Set into the band was a beautiful blue diamond, the color of sapphire. His breath caught, he was surprised, and he looked down at her again, forgetting momentarily she might still be too panicked and distracted to answer. “You got me a ring?” Roman asked, voice a little breathless.

~ Roman

He rubbed her back and it drew out a soft sigh and a little more tension left her. Rand didn’t answer right away, it took a moment for her to realize he wasn’t just talking but had asked her a question. She turned her head so her face wasn’t hidden in his chest anymore. Oh, that ring. “I…before…” She started to say before she was useless. “I got hurt.” She wanted to take it and hide it. He wouldn’t want that, not from her. She has gotten it right after he had proposed. The diamond in the black band had reminded her of the blue star he had taken her to see that night. It was sentimental and silly. Her feelings were unfounded and irrational and in the back of her mind she was starting to realize that.

Rand

Roman slipped the ring onto his finger and then set the box and note on the table. He hugged Rand tight to him again. “I love it. Thank you.” The blue gem in the middle of the black band looked a little like a star, and that made it perfect for him, though he missed the reference to the blue star he had proposed to her in front of.

~ Roman

He slipped it onto his finger and hugged her tight to him again. Did he really like it, or just feel sorry for her? “You d d don’t have t t to wear it t.” She couldn’t seem to stop her stutter. Don’t take it off… “L…l…lab s s s safety.” There, if he didn’t wear it she could tell herself that lie. Though there was no lab rule about jewelry except it couldn’t dangle. She curled up, tucking her head and closer to him. That made her breath harsher and more laboured, she should lay back to make it easier to breathe.

“Why wouldn’t I want to wear it?” Roman asked, sounding utterly bewildered. Then she said lab safety and he shook his head. “It doesn’t dangle. It’s fine for the lab, so long as I’m not working with caustic chemicals and I rarely work with those.” The ring felt fairly light, but cold against his finger. He really, really loved the ring. With his arms still around her, he was moving his hand around, seeing how the low light in the room reflected off the ring.

Roman had chosen to use her family’s rings. Things that were passed down and special, but they weren’t made for him or his family. At the time she had wanted to give him something that was just for him. Not his or her family, just him. Rand had been and was thrilled when Roman said he wanted to use the rings Randy had given him. For Roman to wear a symbol of her family and the love of each couple that had passed through the ages. But she wanted to give him something that was just for him. Like the ring she wore has been made uniquely for her grandmother by her grandfather. “It re remind…ed me....of the s s sstar.”

Rand

Technically, with David having passed away and Roman named heir he could ask his brother’s wife to return the ring - it belonged to the Aldens after all. But he had no want to do that. She could keep them, to remember her husband, and because Roman honestly didn’t care about all that inheritance stuff. He was happy and content with his choice to use the Farquharson rings. At her words he smiled down at her and nodded, immediately seeing the connection. “It reminds me of it, too. It’s beautiful.” It was perfect for him, and it was his and only his. It was special.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t say anything else. She didn’t even consider that Roman could get the family rings now because she knew he wouldn’t want them but if he did she would wear it for him. He could feel her body heave, rocking back and forth against his side and arm as she urged her lungs to work. She had calmed down enough that finally one arm stretched across him, hugging him. She tried not to think about the burns and infection, now healed, and possible scars there. He hadn’t told her, no one had told her. Her hand twitched and she moved her hand in a stilted movement, unsure of where to hug him, where to rest her hand.

Rand

Roman pulled her back against him, trying to keep her in that leaned back, relaxed position. She felt apprehensive with her hug, the way her hand moved hesitantly as if unsure where to set her hand. “I am sorry.” He said again. He sighed uneasily, wanting to say something to make it better, but unsure what, and not wanting to stress her out again.

~ Roman

Roman pulled her back, his expectation clear. He wanted her to stay where she was and breathe. She never had to guess what he wanted. Rand nodded. She knew he was sorry. “I…I understand.” Her voice sounded so strained, like it might crack. “I w…ish I w w was b b b better. I b b b broke mmmmy puh puh promise.” Her voice went airy and high pitched with guilt. “You di d did o…k..Kay. Didn’t n n need me.”

Rand

Roman looked down at her, keeping his arms tight around her. His eyebrows knitted in momentary confusion until she went on, her voice full of guilt. Why is she guilty? But her words reminded him. Her promise, the one not to leave him in Sickbay alone, from when he’d been treated for his leg. Was that was the panic was about? Breaking her promise? She hadn’t broken it. Or at least, not willingly. It wasn’t her fault. But her words made him chuckle, “Did okay? I was late to every single appointment, Randy had to drag me there, usually with threats or guilt. It got infected because I ignored medical’s directions, and Elbbirt took me off duty, threatened to confine me to our quarters. I wouldn’t go to the last half of the treatments, so Randy put the portable machine in his quarters.” He sighed softly, “I needed you. I always need you. But all I could think of was the way you cried when you couldn’t remember things and I didn’t want to make it worse.”

~ Roman

His laughter hurt, but she couldn’t have explained why. Then she shook her head again. “You d d don’t. You you d ddid good w…w…with…with....out me.” She had to catch her breath, it was hard to breathe again. “M..m..m my fault. U…I…useless head.” He almost died. He would downplay it for her, but she read the reports, between the abdominal wound and the infection. He had even stayed with her in the isolation room. She began to sob then, “Rrrrright be beside me, d didn’t know.” Her chest hurt and her arm ached and was numb all at once. She curled into herself, clutching her chest, gasping.

Rand

Roman shook his head. “I do. I… I panicked.” Rand would know how embarrassing that would have been for him and how embarrassing it would be for him to bring up again. “Elbbirt, he had to bring up medical discharges.” He shook his head. “Not your fault. You were injured. Just like when I couldn’t come to you when you were hurt, because my heart was still healing.” He sighed again, he would regret this whole mess for a long time. “I should have told you when you were better. You’re not useless. And you’re doing so much better now.”

Her voice was strained and it took her a long time to say it all between breathing and stuttering. “You couldn’t come when I was hurt, but no one lied to you. You knew what happened, and you were there with me the whole time.” Even if he couldn’t do much while he was hurt, they had let him be there. She only cried harder.

Roman nodded, stabbed by another spear of guilt. He hugged her tight as she cried.

When she started to cry, he hugged her tightly. “You were confused then. By the time you weren’t anymore, I was healed.” He remembered how, during her first time back to their quarters, she had bumped his burn and it had hurt. A lot. He didn’t need to tell her that now. The way she was now, she’d only blame herself for hurting him. He pulled her back again, not letting her curl up. “It’s not your fault. And if I knew you would feel like this I wouldn’t have done it. I thought I was doing the best thing for you.”

~ Roman

She didn’t want to lay back, she couldn’t breathe, her chest hurt. Short rapid shallow breaths shook her, but Roman pulled her back, making her lay down. “I…know. N…not m m mad.” He was taking care of her. How could she be mad? “Sh… should…told me…a..a…after.”

Roman held her tight, trying to keep her calm. He looked really upset and guilty and he nodded. “I know, I should’ve. I should have…”

“Al…almost died. No…no one would…t…t…tell me.” She was going to hyperventilate again. And she pressed a hand to her chest again. “Ch…ch…chest hur....hurts....” Her other hand searched and latched onto his.

Rand

He didn’t know what she meant by no one would tell her. No one told her he was shot, but that already happened. So what would no one tell her? He shook his head. “I didn’t almost die. I was okay. It missed anything important, my heart… It was able to maintain.” He took her hand when she reached for it and started squeezing with his own slow, relaxed breathing the way she did for him, his other arm tightening around her. “Focus on breathing. It’ll be okay.”

~ Roman

Nodding her head, Rand drew quiet. Counting her breaths. Normally she would run lines in her head, pretend to be one of the characters she loves so much. But they weren’t there in her memory anymore. There was no mask to put on to make herself be anyone else, no escaping herself. What was she doing trying to serve in Star Fleet?

It took far too long for her breathing to show a difference. She was obviously was trying, trying to force the air deeper or let it out more slowly, squeezing his hand back. But her breaths wouldn’t even out for more than a couple minutes. The longer it went in the more scared she got. Maybe it wasn’t her feeling her heart and lungs racing and the pectoral muscles straining, maybe it was her heart giving out, over working, in distress. It was a vicious cycle.

She needed her meds. She wasn’t okay, it wasn’t okay. She had to make Roman understand. She was squeezing his hand tightly, no longer in rhythm, just constant. “M M my heart hurts.” It wasn’t in fact her heart. If it was she would have been unconscious and in Sickbay by now. Roman would have recognized the signs of it had been her heart instead of a severe panic attack. She was abe to talk and slow her breathing, and if Roman checked her pulse it was racing but strong, rather than weak and erratic.

Rand

Roman reached his fingers around and checked her pulse at the wrist. It was fast, but strong. It wasn’t how his felt when he needed his meds, and she showed no other signs of cardiac distress. He gripped her hand again, resuming squeezing it in rhythm. “You’re okay. It’s not your heart.” His voice was soft, soothing, still with guilt. This panic attack was his fault. He kept squeezing her hand with rhythm, his other arm around her. He considered calling Randy but he wasn’t sure it would help, so he didn’t. He could if she asked. “Keep focusing on breathing.”

~ Roman

It never would occur to Rand to doubt Roman. Or consider he wasn’t doctor or nurse. He said it wasn’t her heart and she trusted him. She stopped protesting and stayed quiet. After a minute she rolled to her side, close next to him. She could feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed and his hand squeezed hers in the same rhythm. She could hear his heart beat near her ear, strong and slow. Four minutes later, her body simply couldn’t physically maintain the high level of anxiety and her body went limp and her breath slowed.

Then she shivered, and again. She always got cold after, when the adrenaline dropped.

Rand

Roman pulled the blankets up over her to keep her warm. He lay quietly with her, his arm around her, still squeezing her hand with the rhythms of his breaths even after the tension left her body. He was relieved she seemed to be calming. It was still earlier in the evening, but he wouldn’t be surprised if she ended up falling asleep.

~ Roman

Her mind continued to race in circles of confusion and self doubt. She cried all over his shirt, wondering what she was supposed to do. She hadn’t had an attack this bad in years, certainly not since she boarded Sentinel. (Randy was surprised the concussion and confusion hadn’t triggered a worse one sooner.) Could she even stay and serve if she was this way?

Roman held her while she cried, letting her cry as much as she needed to. He’d never seen her have an attack this bad, but maybe Randy had? He felt awful, if he’d just told her sooner maybe she wouldn’t have to go through this.

She felt safe, Roman’s hugs always made her feel better, calmer, steady. Now that she was calmer she was aware of how much it helped, of how much worse the attack would have been if he wasn’t there. Rand tugged their hands closer, tucking them close to her chest as he kept measuring her breaths for her. She was warm under the blanket, curled up beside him. The warmth made her sleepy and made her relax more. She dozed finally though she didn’t actually sleep. She was too on edge to sleep deeply, at least for now.

Rand

Roman let her tug their hands up closer to her, continuing to squeeze her hand. She was relaxing and he could tell when she had dozed off. He was tired, but he did not want to sleep. He rested his head against Rand, focusing on her and hoping she could relax and stay asleep for a while.

~ Roman


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