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side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted Dec. 6, 2022, 5:15 p.m. by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) (Jennifer Ward)

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

(snip)

Roman’s hand thudded into something hard in the bed, just under Rand. He tried to move carefully, not wanting to wake her, pulling the thing out from under her. She wouldn’t sleep well with that there. It was a hard covered book. At least she had been reading? He took a harder look at it, trying to see without turning lights on.

~ Roman

It was leather bound, real paper, it was thicker at the spine than expected and the pages didn’t line up well. Looking closer Roman would see a gap in the pages, something was stuck in the book. Opening would reveal an old fashioned fountain pen. The pages were filled with Rand’s handwriting. It wasn’t just a book, but a journal.

Rand

It did not take Roman long to open the book, see the pen, and then Rand’s handwriting on the pages. A quick flip through it told him that up to the point where the pen was, it was full of her writing. A journal. Wait, a what? He shut it firmly but quietly. She surely wouldn’t want him reading that! But he knew she’d been struggling lately, and what if there was something important in there? Was that a good reason to read it? Or would it be an invasion of privacy? How angry would she be? Maybe he should just put it back…

But the curiosity was too much. With another glance at Rand to ensure she was still soundly asleep, he flipped the book back open and began reading, using the available light in the room. The bedside lamp might wake her.

~ Roman

Roman made me read lines yesterday. I wanted so badly to remember. He seemed so excited. He read for Mr Darcy. I forgot…how much I wanted my own Mr Darcy. Someone who was confident and calm and sure of himself. Someone whose expectations and standards were clear. No double standards. A gentleman in an old world sense. Someone who would love me the way I am. Confident enough that my shyness and anxiety wouldn’t bother him, just like Elizabeth’s impertinence never bothered Darcy. Roman is all of those things. I wish…I wish I could be Lizzie Bennet for him.

I wish I could have remembered, done better for him. Especially yesterday of all days. He kept saying it didn’t matter, that it would come back. He had my scripts with my notes. Not one looked familiar. I don’t remember any of them, not one. They are all gone. I looked through my scrapbooks. I don’t recognize any of the faces, the locations. I barely recognize myself in the photos.

He called me Mrs Alden. It sounded so wonderful. Nothing would make me happier than to be his wife. But how can I? I…I can’t. I don’t know how to tell him that he fell in love with a lie. They’re gone, all of them. Every character, every personality, everything is gone. And all that is left is me, just me, and that’s a poor offering. Roman will never forgive me for lying to him, for trying to be something I am not. For being like his family. He doesn’t love me, he loves what I pretended to be. They’re gone, the only parts of me that were worth anything. They burned to ash in the explosion. All that’s left is me, and no one wants that.

—-

Randy said I can’t leave the room today. Roman let me help with his reports. None of the ones I needed for the captain came. Randy had them. He’s had them all sent to him. I can’t do my work, I’m not useful, I have no place here. Not because of Randy. He is doing fine without me. The whole ship is. I have lost my place here. I failed in what I loved most and now I have failed here…

—-

I talked to Elbbirt this morning. He says he won’t send me home. I can’t do my work. I am a burden to Randy and Roman. I have nothing to do here anymore. Elbbirt says I’m getting better, but I’m not. I’m worse, they won’t let me work anymore, not anything. I can’t even leave the room. I feel like a prisoner…I can’t even blame them…I get lost, confused…No one wants to have to find me. I knocked a bowl over the other day and was stuck. I had no shoes and couldn’t bend over to clean it up….I’m useless and sick all the time. He has to send me home…Elbbirt will have to send me home. I’m unfit for duty. I failed again. I don’t know what I will do, I can’t go back to the stage…and I can’t stay here…I will be a burden to my parents and Randy will be stuck here, in a career he never wanted because he followed me. He followed me because he knew I could never handle this on my own. He gave everything up so I could follow me here. I never thought he would be able to. I had hoped coming here would free him of me.

—-

Roman made me go to sickbay. He thought I was pregnant. He thought that’s what’s wrong with me. I can think of nothing worse than me having a baby. We never talked about it, but I suppose he wants children. He looked so relieved when Elbbirt said I wasn’t pregnant though. He must know just as much as I do that I shouldn’t have children. He deserves to have a child if he wants one. But I shouldn’t.. I love children, I’m pretty good with them, but I am not the one raising them. Can you imagine me raising a child? I can’t even take care of me. What if something happened? I would panic and be unable to do anything. I wouldn’t know what I was supposed to do. No, no me being a mother would be incredibly wrong. Besides, I have a broken heart. A child deserves a mother whose heart is whole and strong and healthy. My heart probably isn’t strong enough to let a baby grow in my womb. It would die before being born. A child needs a mother with a whole heart, not me.

Roman deserves someone whose heart and mind are whole. That’s not me. Randy deserves a better twin. I can never make it up to him, I don’t deserve either of them.

I wish the doctors had never saved me.

Rand

Roman had to close it. He couldn’t read any more of that. It was so vastly untrue, and yet so similar to some of his own thoughts. He had to do something, he couldn’t let her go on like that. It was torture enough, even if she didn’t go and do something drastic. He hadn’t known she’d gone and asked Elbbirt to send her away. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if Elbbirt had said yes. He needed to show Randy. Randy would know what to do. He slipped out of bed, being careful not to wake her, and headed next door to Randy’s quarters, knocking softly on the door.

~ Roman

Randy didn’t answer right away. It was his first day off in weeks. Truly off. Not just a break from medical or yeoman duties, but both. The ship was going to have to survive without him or Rand for a day. He wasn’t going to get up. Until he realized what time it was, and if it was the ship his comm would be ringing, and not knocking on his door. There were three people who would do that, so he got up and answered the door. “Cmdr....Roman? What is it?”

Randy


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