STF

side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted Dec. 7, 2022, 6:36 p.m. by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) (Jennifer Ward)

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in the Dark
Posted by… suppressed (20) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman’s hand thudded into something hard in the bed, just under Rand. He tried to move carefully, not wanting to wake her, pulling the thing out from under her. She wouldn’t sleep well with that there. It was a hard covered book. At least she had been reading? He took a harder look at it, trying to see without turning lights on.

~ Roman

It was leather bound, real paper, it was thicker at the spine than expected and the pages didn’t line up well. Looking closer Roman would see a gap in the pages, something was stuck in the book. Opening would reveal an old fashioned fountain pen. The pages were filled with Rand’s handwriting. It wasn’t just a book, but a journal.

Rand

It did not take Roman long to open the book, see the pen, and then Rand’s handwriting on the pages. A quick flip through it told him that up to the point where the pen was, it was full of her writing. A journal. Wait, a what? He shut it firmly but quietly. She surely wouldn’t want him reading that! But he knew she’d been struggling lately, and what if there was something important in there? Was that a good reason to read it? Or would it be an invasion of privacy? How angry would she be? Maybe he should just put it back…

But the curiosity was too much. With another glance at Rand to ensure she was still soundly asleep, he flipped the book back open and began reading, using the available light in the room. The bedside lamp might wake her.

~ Roman

Roman made me read lines yesterday. I wanted so badly to remember. He seemed so excited. He read for Mr Darcy. I forgot…how much I wanted my own Mr Darcy. Someone who was confident and calm and sure of himself. Someone whose expectations and standards were clear. No double standards. A gentleman in an old world sense. Someone who would love me the way I am. Confident enough that my shyness and anxiety wouldn’t bother him, just like Elizabeth’s impertinence never bothered Darcy. Roman is all of those things. I wish…I wish I could be Lizzie Bennet for him.

I wish I could have remembered, done better for him. Especially yesterday of all days. He kept saying it didn’t matter, that it would come back. He had my scripts with my notes. Not one looked familiar. I don’t remember any of them, not one. They are all gone. I looked through my scrapbooks. I don’t recognize any of the faces, the locations. I barely recognize myself in the photos.

He called me Mrs Alden. It sounded so wonderful. Nothing would make me happier than to be his wife. But how can I? I…I can’t. I don’t know how to tell him that he fell in love with a lie. They’re gone, all of them. Every character, every personality, everything is gone. And all that is left is me, just me, and that’s a poor offering. Roman will never forgive me for lying to him, for trying to be something I am not. For being like his family. He doesn’t love me, he loves what I pretended to be. They’re gone, the only parts of me that were worth anything. They burned to ash in the explosion. All that’s left is me, and no one wants that.

—-

Randy said I can’t leave the room today. Roman let me help with his reports. None of the ones I needed for the captain came. Randy had them. He’s had them all sent to him. I can’t do my work, I’m not useful, I have no place here. Not because of Randy. He is doing fine without me. The whole ship is. I have lost my place here. I failed in what I loved most and now I have failed here…

—-

I talked to Elbbirt this morning. He says he won’t send me home. I can’t do my work. I am a burden to Randy and Roman. I have nothing to do here anymore. Elbbirt says I’m getting better, but I’m not. I’m worse, they won’t let me work anymore, not anything. I can’t even leave the room. I feel like a prisoner…I can’t even blame them…I get lost, confused…No one wants to have to find me. I knocked a bowl over the other day and was stuck. I had no shoes and couldn’t bend over to clean it up….I’m useless and sick all the time. He has to send me home…Elbbirt will have to send me home. I’m unfit for duty. I failed again. I don’t know what I will do, I can’t go back to the stage…and I can’t stay here…I will be a burden to my parents and Randy will be stuck here, in a career he never wanted because he followed me. He followed me because he knew I could never handle this on my own. He gave everything up so I could follow me here. I never thought he would be able to. I had hoped coming here would free him of me.

—-

Roman made me go to sickbay. He thought I was pregnant. He thought that’s what’s wrong with me. I can think of nothing worse than me having a baby. We never talked about it, but I suppose he wants children. He looked so relieved when Elbbirt said I wasn’t pregnant though. He must know just as much as I do that I shouldn’t have children. He deserves to have a child if he wants one. But I shouldn’t.. I love children, I’m pretty good with them, but I am not the one raising them. Can you imagine me raising a child? I can’t even take care of me. What if something happened? I would panic and be unable to do anything. I wouldn’t know what I was supposed to do. No, no me being a mother would be incredibly wrong. Besides, I have a broken heart. A child deserves a mother whose heart is whole and strong and healthy. My heart probably isn’t strong enough to let a baby grow in my womb. It would die before being born. A child needs a mother with a whole heart, not me.

Roman deserves someone whose heart and mind are whole. That’s not me. Randy deserves a better twin. I can never make it up to him, I don’t deserve either of them.

I wish the doctors had never saved me.

Rand

Roman had to close it. He couldn’t read any more of that. It was so vastly untrue, and yet so similar to some of his own thoughts. He had to do something, he couldn’t let her go on like that. It was torture enough, even if she didn’t go and do something drastic. He hadn’t known she’d gone and asked Elbbirt to send her away. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if Elbbirt had said yes. He needed to show Randy. Randy would know what to do. He slipped out of bed, being careful not to wake her, and headed next door to Randy’s quarters, knocking softly on the door.

~ Roman

Randy didn’t answer right away. It was his first day off in weeks. Truly off. Not just a break from medical or yeoman duties, but both. The ship was going to have to survive without him or Rand for a day. He wasn’t going to get up. Until he realized what time it was, and if it was the ship his comm would be ringing, and not knocking on his door. There were three people who would do that, so he got up and answered the door. “Cmdr....Roman? What is it?”

Randy

Roman showed him the journal. The pen still marked the same page, which he opened the book to. “It’s about Rand. She’s written… awful things.” He liked the entry where she wrote that he was like Darcy. He wasn’t, but it was nice she thought so.

Randy chuckled a bit at first, “Roman you did not read her journal…” but the very last line Rand had written caught his eye and he stopped. His eyes scanned up, and then he flipped back several pages and read.

“I normally would never, but…” Roman trailed off when he saw Randy’s face change and he knew Randy had read it too.

It was laughable she didn’t think she lived up to Elizabeth Bennet. She made a perfect Lizzie. She was better than Lizzie. She had stayed with him, through everything. The nightmares, the crying, his sickbay fear, all of it, she dealt with for him. He loved her more than anything, characters or no. He should tell her that later. He didn’t want kids, but if Rand did, he was sure she’d be a fine mother. And her heart was stronger than his.

He had wished, many, many times that he’d just died four years ago. That it would’ve been easier that way. For him and everyone around him. He was glad he’d never told Rand so because now he knew how it felt to know someone he loved thought that. He likely wouldn’t even be here without her. He’d do anything to help her. “I don’t know what to do to help her.”

~ Roman

Randy sat very suddenly, closing the book and dropping his face into his hands. For a moment he felt like he couldn’t breath. He scrubbed his hands over his face and then grabbed his PaDD. He took several pictures and handed the journal back. “I have to talk to Elbbirt. I can talk to her all day, I can even prescribe her something, but it all has to be cleared by him. I also can’t countermand any of his medical orders.” He stood up and paced a bit. “It’s your day off, right? Don’t…don’t leave her alone. Don’t let her just stay in bed. Read, watch a movie, play a board game if she’s dizzy or unsteady on her feet, but don’t let her just sit there.” He sighed, “She has know you saw it. That you know. I don’t think both of us being there will help. She’ll feel cornered and out numbered. I can talk to her later. She’s not talking to me at all lately…I don’t think hearing it from me will help. She might shut down or she might break down. Break down is better.”

Randy

Roman clutched the book close to himself. “She should still be asleep but I’m not sure. She was sleeping on it.” He looked at Randy, looking deeply worried, “I don’t know what I’d do if she.... I should have known…” He took a deep breath and shook his head. “Talk to Elbbirt. I won’t leave her. I don’t know what will motivate her to get up, though. I can barely get her to go for a walk to the galley lately.”

~ Roman

Randy nodded, “Let her sleep. Waking her early to confront her won’t make this easier. She’s liable to have panic attack either way. It doesn’t really matter if she wants to get up and go. It’s not a choice. Shower, fresh clothes, take the bandage and wash her hair. Pick something she likes to wear or something you like, kiss her senseless, I don’t know.” His shoulders slumped, Randy was serious, he wasn’t joking. He grabbed his PaDD and left.

Randy

Roman sighed. That wasn’t… Overly helpful. But he’d try. He headed back to his own quarters and quietly set to work. He set the journal back in its place, not under her like it had been but next to her. He picked out something he knew she loved wearing that was casual and comfortable and laid it out. He made sure the bathroom was clean and organized first, so she could shower in a clean space and then, quietly picked up the quarters main space, making sure it was neat and spotless as it normally would be.

He made sure Pipkin was fed and watered and then quietly shushed her. Then he went down to the galley and asked chef for Rand’s favorite breakfast food, but not too big of a portion. He wanted her to like it, but he didn’t want to overwhelm her with too much food. He headed back up and entered the quarters, quietly setting the tray on the table. Not the bedside table, the regular table.

~ Roman

It wasn’t long after he returned that Rand stirred. Maybe all his moving around, or simply the smell of the food. She wasn’t hungry, or at least that is what her mind said, but her body was. She was facing away from Roman and the table. Her eyes opened regretfully. She saw the journal and hid it under her pillow by hugging her pillow to herself and then closed her eyes. She didn’t want to wake, at all.

Rand

Roman heard her move and knew she was awake. He decided to act normal. “Rand, I brought breakfast. Chef even made your favourite today.” He went over and sat by her. “Come and eat.”

~ Roman

She didn’t want to get up. What was the point? She pretended to sleep, and then realized that wouldn’t work when Roman came and sat down next to her. “Chan eil mi a’ faireachdainn math. Chan urrainn dhomh dìreach cadal? (I don’t feel good. Can’t I just sleep?)”

Rand

“Not today.” Roman smiled down at her and took her hand. “It’s my day off, remember? I want to spend it with you.” He tugged gently on her. Like Randy had said, he was not letting her lay around all day. “No one is to bother me today unless it’s an emergency.” That was actually partly because it was his first day on his new meds and it was probably good to see how it would make him feel on a day off first. He wasn’t sure Rand knew that and he wasn’t going to tell her right now.

~ Roman

He told her no and then tugged on her hand. She didn’t move, he hadn’t tugged that hard, but it did manage to pull her arm out from under the blanket and making the bedding pool around her waist. “You never take a day off.” He didn’t want to spend it with her. He wanted to spend it with who he thought she was. “M…m…my head hurts. I…don’t want ttto get up.”

Rand

“Well, I am today.” He wondered suddenly if she thought he spent too much time at work. “I know it does. You need to get up, though. For at least a little while. Sleep is good, but not too much sleep.” He smiled a little and poked at her playfully, “Unless you want me to carry you out of that bed.”

~ Roman

Rand didn’t think he worked too much. There wasn’t much else to do on a star ship. It was more she felt like he would rather work than be around her. Which was wrong, he was working to avoid Jay and the Ardent. When he wasn’t doing that they had always spent time together and they both worked a lot. But now her brain was misfiring in its connections and behaviors she knew and understood now felt wrong, like it was a reflection of her and how he felt about her. Same with Randy. Even after she moved in with Roman, Randy spent time with her. Now she only saw him so he could tell her she had to stay in this room and to give her medications she didn’t want.

There was no reaction to his teasing, except she grabbed the blanket and tried to pull it back over herself.

Rand

When she grabbed the blanket he stopped her from flinging it back up over herself. “No, no blankets. Time to get up.” He tugged on her again, gently. “Come on. Breakfast will get cold.” Then he crossed his arms, hands on his upper arms, and looked down at her a bit playfully. “When you get up, you get a nice, long kiss.”

~ Roman

Rand sighed, “You aren’t allowed.” That stung. Had it meant so little to him that he didn’t think he should tell her? She felt so stupid. But she sat up anyway, and it was quite obvious she was lying about her head because she wasn’t slurring her words nor was she swaying while trying to sit up like she had been.

Rand

“No one said I can’t kiss you. They said we can’t do things much more.... involved than kissing.” And with that he fulfilled his promise and pulled her into a hug and kissed her, slow and gentle.

Oh did he kiss her. Soft and languid. It didn’t end until Rand was completely muddle headed. Not from the head injury and overwhelming depression, but from Roman. Muddle headed enough, in fact, she went along to the table without arguing.

He led her to the table. “Gorshin made your favourite. I know you haven’t been very hungry but at least it’s something you like.” He said, guiding her to sit in her chair. He could tell her head wasn’t bothering her, or at least not badly. There was no slurring, no swaying, none of that pinched look she got from the headaches. He sat down next to her, in his own chair, and started eating his breakfast.

~ Roman

She stared unseeing at the table for awhile. She had no interest in eating. She was thirsty and reached for the water. It was like her body was making up for all the water it missed. It was the one thing she couldn’t get enough of. The food smelled good though. Even if her mind didn’t want to eat, her body did, and she began to eat very slowly. The food was cooled by the time she finished, but she did manage the whole small portion that Gorshin sent.

Rand

Roman was relieved she’d eaten it all. He was still on anti-nausea meds and had no problem finishing his portion. When she was done, he cleared her plate and set the tray aside to take back down later. Then he stood behind her, “Randy said I could take this off for you,” and, carefully and gently he unwrapped the bandage from her head. When he was finished, he ran his fingers gently through her hair. “Now let’s have you go shower and when you come back I’ll do your hair for you the way you like it. There’s an outfit already waiting for you in the bathroom when you’re done with your shower.”

~ Roman

The bandage had gotten looser, but Randy had rewrapped it a couple of times. But when Roman took it off, there was relief from the pressure but it also sent a wave of lightheadedness through her. Why did Roman pick out her clothes? Did she embarrass him? How could she? She never left the room. Was that why? She would have rathered to go back to bed, but he had already unwrapped the bandage and she was sure she looked horrible after having it on so long.

Rand stayed un the bathroom a long time. It would have been nice to say she was endulging herself, but she was just hiding. The clothes were one of her favorites. They were comfortable but she also thought they looked good on her. Eventually she came out, showered, clean those, and a towel around her shoulders for her damp hair.

Rand

Roman wasn’t really supposed to be working but Rand took so long in the bathroom he logged into the computer terminal in the room and did some reports. When she came out of the bathroom he spent a long time doing her hair: brushing it, playing with it, styling it. He was very gentle. When it was done it looked really nice again, like it normally would. He stood her up and showed her in the mirror. “Doesn’t that look nice?”

~ Roman

The time Roman took was soothing, like the last time it made her feel better, cherished, cared for. Not that Roman didn’t always make her feel that way, but this was a very specific tradition, and she cherished it. She nodded at her reflection in the mirror. “It does. Why are guys Lways so good at that?” Her voice was slightly teasing.

Rand


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