Posted Nov. 12, 2022, 10:04 a.m. by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) (Lindsay B)
Eela sat at her desk, her eyes gazing out the bank of windows that afforded her a view of the busy colony. She saw none of it. Instead her mind was focused on the message she had received an hour ago, one that she had been expecting but still surprised her. Perhaps it was the finality of things that surprised her more, or maybe it was how it made her feel. She should feel relief (and there was indeed a touch of that), but more than that she felt sadness. And a sense of failure.
Another chapter closed and it felt like her entire life before Oed was now officially over.
Her mind drifted back to that one terrible night eighteen months ago where everything finally fell apart…
She had nearly filled her well used travel bag with clothes and toiletries she’d need for this assignment. There were going to be a couple formal events, so Eela also set aside a gown and a more formal suit to go in a garment cover.
Sound out in the living room of their apartment in San Francisco was paired with the familiar sensation of her husband Cory. Despite the constant tension between them lately she smiled.
“El?” he called out.
“In here,” she replied from the bedroom.
The tall frame of the dark haired man leaned against the doorframe. He instantly scowled. “You’re packing?”
Eela flashed him a knowing smile. “New orders. Jaleb is ill and they need someone to fill in on the final negotiations he was working on.”
“How long this time?” Cory said, not bothering to disguise his irritation. It was pointless at the best of times with her anyway.
“Two, three weeks. That includes travel time though, so not that long.”
Cory snorted, spun and walked away. She could sense the frustration radiating off of him, the unsaid things lingering under the surface. Gathering the duffle and the garment bag she moved out of the bedroom, setting the bag near the dining table and draping the garment bag over the back of a chair. “You might as well say it. It’s not like I can’t tell, Cory. And to be honest the constant hostility is a little tiring.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “I thought we were done with this,” he said, gesturing to her and her bags. “How the hell are we supposed to have a life together if you just up and leave on a whim?”
“It’s my job!” She was so tired of having to defend her work, her duty. She never had to before when she was in Starfleet and she sure as hell didn’t feel like she should have to now either.
“You’re telling me they can’t send anyone else, that you’re the only diplomat that is available and qualified?”
Eela rolled her eyes. “Of course not. But I am the best choice for this assignment. They need someone to close the deal. I can do that and I am familiar with the people we’re dealing with.”
“It was supposed to be different,” he muttered, resignation seeping into his tone and emotions.
“What? What was supposed to be different?” she demanded.
“This,” he gestured to them and the apartment. “You retired and I thought… I thought I’d have a life with my wife! Clearly I was wrong.”
Eela shook her head. “You want a wife who will sit around waiting for you to come home? What about my life? Aren’t I allowed to have something of my own too?”
“That’s not what I was saying, El, and you know it.”
“Do I?” she said, her exasperation growing. “We agreed to this. When I took the job we made the decision together knowing that it would mean I go where the work requires me to.”
“This isn’t like Starfleet, El. At least then I knew you were in one place for years at a time. We could make plans,” Cory said.
“Do you want me to quit, is that it?”
“Yes? No? I don’t know!”
Eela forced herself to steady her breath. “You keep wanting to make this about me, my choices, but you’re the one that is confused. Maybe you should take the next couple of weeks to figure it out because I’m getting tired of having to defend myself.”
“Defend yourself? When? How?”
She sighed. “All. The. Time, Cory. It’s like I can’t do anything right these days. There is always something wrong and… I get it,” she said, blowing out a breath. “This has not been the easiest transition for either of us. But I was realistic about the process. I just wish you could be too.”
“I don’t even know what that means!” he said, his voice deepening in the way it did when his anger was building.
But Eela was tired of the arguments. She didn’t have the energy for them anymore. “You want me to be someone else, and don’t think that I don’t know when you look at me how much I’ve been found wanting. How much I disappoint you. Well Cory, I don’t care. I can’t anymore. It hurts too much!”
“I’m not disappointed with you. What are you even saying?”
She stepped closer, her hazel eyes taking him in. “Look me in the eyes and tell me that you’re okay with the changes. That you love me as I am now and don’t wish anything was different.”
His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something, to deny the allegation. But he couldn’t.
“See? It’s that simple, Cor. I’m not the wife you expect and so you don’t treat me like your wife, like your partner in life. I’m just some stranger you can’t stand. It’s not about love. You don’t even like me. I’m sorry I can’t change myself back and live up to whatever expectations you have but it’s not fair. Not to me, not to you. Not to us. I think it’s time we stopped pretending we’re able to figure this out.”
He stood there incredulous. “What are you saying?! You’re just done?”
Tears filled her eyes. “It’s taken everything I have to move on, Cor. Don’t I get even a tiny bit of credit for that? I’ve been trying to do this for you, but you keep pushing me away. And I’m just a bit tired of being held to some imaginary standard I can’t ever live up to. It’s not fair! And if you can’t find the courage to admit we can’t do more, then it’s up to me, now isn’t it?”
“I’m not the one running away trying to reclaim some former glory that never really existed!”
Wow. She stared at him and he was unrecognizable. Everyone kept saying it was her that had changed since the brain injury, but it was too easy to blame everything on that. It wasn’t the full story. “At least I’m adapting and moving forward in my life. I’m not trapped in what might have been.”
His expression changed and it was the thread of disgust that surfaced before his words. “You really are a heartless b!tch now, aren’t you?”
It was like he had stabbed her and the pain swept over her face. Eela sucked in a breath, turned away from him and grabbed her bag, her rage flaring like it sometimes did no matter how she tried to control it. The beast within would get its own say more often than not.
“El…” he said softly, contrite. “I’m sorry. I spoke in anger, I didn’t mean it.”
She moved to the door, tears slipping over her cheeks as she turned back to him. “Actually, you did. That’s the problem. It’s how you actually feel!” Being an empath sucked some days.
“Stay, El, please. We can work things out. We’ll find a way. We can try counselling again.”
“I don’t see how more counselling will help this. I of all people know that it only works if you’re willing to do the work. And I can’t stay right now. My transport leaves at 0500 and I need to check in with the office first.”
Cory scoffed and shook his head. “I’m asking you to stay and fix our marriage and you’re going to hide behind work?”
“Fix what?!” Her hand reached out for the handle.
“If you leave, you might as well not come back!”
Hand hovering over the handle, Eela looked over her shoulder at him, the unrecognizable man who clearly loathed the woman he was staring at. “Then I guess that’s it then. Goodbye Cory,” she said simply and left.
In her six decades of life no one had ever accomplished anything by issuing her ultimatums. Life was too complicated, too messy for clearcut demands. That he didn’t understand that about her now in this moment told her everything she needed to know: her marriage was over. It had probably ended the day she woke up from her coma, but they had had to muddle their way through only to learn that there was nothing to figure out.
Lost in that painful memory, she didn’t even register Cort’s entrance into her office and that he was trying to get her attention. She finally clued in and her eyes snapped to him, apologetic. “Sorry Cort, just… distracted.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” he said softly. “You look upset. What’s wrong?”
There were boundaries between her and her staff they tried to maintain on the surface, but the reality was that they all knew more about her personal life in the course of executing their duties than most people ever would. There was little they didn’t know or wouldn’t find out at some point. So Eela just slid the PADD across her large desk.
Belanger picked it up, his eyes skimming. “Decree of Divorce…” He looked up at her. “I’m sorry, Eela. I know how hard this is for you.”
She shrugged. “Not like I wasn’t anticipating it.”
“Doesn’t make it easier.”
Dasca snorted. “Isn’t that the truth,” she said, sighing.
“Look, this afternoon is light. Go home. I’ll reschedule your two meetings and you can come back at it fresh for tomorrow,” Cort said.
It wasn’t a terrible idea. A bit of time to just feel sad and work through her feelings before anyone asked anything important of her? It was actually a really good idea. So she nodded without even a protest. “Okay.”
He studied his boss for a moment waiting for words of refusal that never came. With a small look of surprise he smiled. “I’m on it,” he said and left her office.
{To be Continued…}
~Eela Dasca, Lt. Gov.
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