Posted Oct. 1, 2023, 7:35 p.m. by Lieutenant Commander Sharah Fayth (Chief Star Fleet Medical Officer) (Jennifer Ward)
Posted by Commander Janusz Korczak (Counselor) in Self-Doubt is a Captor
Posted by Lieutenant Commander Sharah Fayth (Chief Star Fleet Medical Officer) in Self-Doubt is a Captor
Posted by Commander Janusz Korczak (Counselor) in Self-Doubt is a Captor
Posted by… suppressed (25) by the Post Ghost! 👻
The morning and early afternoon had been long. They had prepped everything they could for a rescue of a small 5 man crew. There was nothing more they could do before hand. Medically anyway. Sharah didn’t like to stand over her staff and watch and micromanage. Most of them had more experience than she did. Now at the end of her shift, they still had a few hours before they arrived. She headed to her quarters, wanting to be alone. Or at least she thought she did. Or, if she was honest, she didn’t want to run into a specific someone right now. She should be mad, but she was just hurt and uncertain. She didn’t expect him to forgive her or be friendly; she just hadn’t expected him to cross that line. She would never have thrown his deepest fear in his face for her own gain.Entering the door, her hand reached to run across Hope’s leaves, but Hope wasn’t there. She’d left her at ho… with Yavia. She wanted to call them, talk to them, but what could they do from there? Nothing. It would only upset them. Eilah was far away now. She could write him, but the answer wouldn’t return until days after she was back on Oed.
She paced about her room feeling trapped, but unable to do anything about it. He wasn’t the first one to want to use her and her sickness like that. With an aching despair she knew he wouldn’t be the last either. Today would not be the first time she considered the benefits of moving alone to a lifeless asteroid to live out whatever life she had left.
Afyee several minutes of sketching and balling up papers in an attempt to vent, Sharah let out a frustrated groan. Wallowing wasn’t going to help. =/\=Fayth to Korczak. Are you busy?=/\=
Fayth, CMO
There was only a slight pause and then the oddly-accented voice said =/\= I have been relegated to my quarters until they figure out how I came aboard. So… no. Can I be of assistance? =/\=
Korczak, Counselor
Sharah really really should ask what he was talking about. She could and avoid why she had commed him in the first place. Would he be able to tell without seeing her? With her luck? Probably.
She hesitated a moment. She was supposed to be competent and in charge. A member of the senior staff. =/\=I think I need a session if it’s okay.=/\=
Fayth, CMO
=/\= The door is open. =/\= was all he said and the comms went dark.
In his quarters, Korczak nodded once to himself. The call was not unexpected, but it was later than he thought it would have been. “That is a good sign.” he said to himself. He stood up from the chair he was sitting in, reading, and he went to the replicator and got a pot of hot water and two cups. He set the tea set on the low table in front to rhe small couch and then went to his bag at the foot of his bed, retrieving a small wood box. He opened it, pulled two teabags out, and put the box back before moving back to the seating area. Dropping the bags in the hot water, he sat back and waited.
Korczak, Counselor
Sharah asked the computer where his quarters were. She left her quarters, though she would have preferred to meet in hers. Only because she wanted to avoid people. The ship was too small to not encounter people. Arriving at his door she took him at his word and pressed the control allowing the door to open. She stepped through, the door closing behind her.
Fayth, CMO
Korczak was pouring tea. “Good evening.” he said and set the pot down. “Black currant and lemon. A family favorite.” He looked at her and gestured to the sofa. “Please, sit. Let’ talk.”
Korczak, Counselor
“Good evening, Korczak.” The tiny woman made her way over to the sofa and perched on the edge. She was clearly carrying a heavy weight. Despite that, a soft grin flashed briefly across her face as she watched him pour the tea. “Black currants are excellent for lowering blood pressure, and neuroprotective activity among other benefits. I have never had it in a tea though.”
Fayth, CMO
“And oddly enough, it also tastes good.” Korczak said with a slight smile. He picked up his cup and saucer and leaned back in his chair. “So.” he said and took a sip, looking at her expectantly. “Tell me how you are.”
Korczak, Counselor
The cup was lifted to her lips as she tasted it. It was very good. One of the better teas she had tried. “Lost, confused, hurt, conflicted. Maybe I should be angry, but I’m not. I’m just tired.” Sharah set the cup back in its saucer on the low table. “Is he right?” She shook her head. That wasn’t the correct question. Crossing someone’s boundaries like that was never ‘right’. She raised her deeply troubled gaze to his. “He isn’t the first to ask me to do something like that. He won’t be the last. They see this,” she waved vaguely at her head, “as the answer to all their problems. Janusz are they justified? Am I being naive, childish, selfish?”
Fayth, CMO
Korczak took a sip and looked at her for a moment. “Sharah. As an officer in Star Fleet, I want to askk you a very basic question. What is the founding principle of the Federation with regards to sentient beings?”
Korczak, Counselor
“The defense and preservation of the fundamental rights of sentient beings and the dignity and worth of all life-forms,” Sharah answered without hesitation. Every Federation child knew the preamble to the UFP constitution. It was drilled into them at the Academy, almost like a mantra, so they would not forget why they were out there in space.
Fayth, CMO
Koczak shook his head. “No no… not the preamble. The founding principal. What is the core tenant of everything we do?”
Korczak, Counselor
Sharah felt like she was reciting a history lesson. “The Federation was founded on the principles of liberty, equality, peace, justice, and progress, with the purpose of furthering the universal rights of all sentient life. Exploration? Seeking out those different from us and learning from each other?”
Fayth, CMO
Korczak sipped his tea and looked at her. “You are talking around it. You know the liturgy. You can recite the words. But what do those words mean, Sharah? What do those words do?”
Korczak
She didn’t answer right away this time. Sometimes she wished he would let her give the simple answer that didn’t require her to delve. Of course if she wanted that, she shouldn’t have asked him to see her. “The right to choose how to live their lives within the laws of their society and the Federation at large.”
Fayth, CMO
“Closer. But you aren’t there yet.” He sipped his tea and then said “Distill it down further. What is the absolute baseline we are talking about? What ‘right’ are you referring to?”
Korczak
Sharah stayed poised on the edge of the couch, frustrated, with herself and the universe and people in general and this d@mn illness. She didn’t feel up for philosophical debates. “The right to live, to exist.”
Sharah
Janusz nodded and said “And what is the name of that right? Two words… but very important ones.” softly, coaxing her towards the destination.
Korczak
Sharah had always heard it termed as ‘Right to Life’ but that wasn’t two words, and Korczak was always specific. She finally picked back up the tea and drank from it. “Fundamental Freedom.”
Sharah
“Self Determination. And that, Sharah, is the core of what you do not allow yourself. Even as a defender of that inherent and inalienable right that all sentient beings possess… you do not allow yourself that right.”
He sipped his tea and then said “Your gifts allow you a great deal of access to others. More than you want, but you do not abuse that gift. Not even when others wish you would. And that, my dear Doctor, is what seperates you from them. And it is what makes your ability a gift… not the curse you try to make it.” He smiled slightly and sipped his tea. “You have a right to determine how you live and exist, Sharah. To determine for yourself your role in society. What was asked of you was and is an affront to that right. And is not a conduct a Star Fleet officer should ever entertain as appropriate.”
Korczak
Sharah didn’t feel like she ever had much of a choice. Well not great choices. It always came down to the least selfish of two horrible choices. She was compassionate and caring to a fault sometimes. If she didn’t care she probably would have more choices. That would make her like Hent Tevren. She didn’t want that.
“How do I know I am drawing the line in the right place? Between doing everything I can to help those around me and becoming a monster. Or keeping myself safe because I don’t want to die, and being a monster for being selfish?”
Sharah
“Because you draw the line where you want it. That makes it right for you. And you is who are responsible for. Yes, you have patients. They are your professional responsibility. If you quit your job right now, they would no longer be yours. But you, yourself… that is a full-time responsibility.” He took another sip and then said “And you are really doing an awful job at that.” and he smiled slightly.
Korczak
Sharah couldn’t argue with that. She was really very bad at it. “At least I asked for help on my own this time. That’s an improvement.” A small one, but a step in an opposite direction of self-disyructive habits.
She took a tiny sip of the tea. “You make it sound easy. It’s not.” She corrected herself. “It doesn’t feel easy. Maybe that is another li… piece of misinformation. I have always been told I can’t lead a normal life, I can’t function smoothly in society, that I can never fully control my talents, I will never have normal relationships.” She thought about that a moment. “My parents were told to exercise extreme caution with difficult or complex tasks. I could be easily distracted and hurt others or myself. My mother was so afraid of that, that there was a myriad of normal activities I was never allowed to do. It’s why we had a replicator in our home. She was afraid to allow me to cook.”
She took a long sip and then looked at him as if something clicked into place a bit. “But I can. I do complex things everyday. I perform surgeries, mix complex medications, evaluate and treat patients, use dermal regenerators, and all manner of equipment without becoming distracted and making errors. Without injuring patients.”
Sharah
Janusz sipped his tea. These moments were his favorites. When people started to put pieces together all on their own. “Mmmhmm.” he agreed. “And you perform at an above level ability as an officer- no small task- as well as navigate complex social and interpersonal relationships. Tell me… if I were you ask your partners if they felt that you were distracted or making mistakes with them… would they say yes? Or would they laugh in my face at the absurdity of the question?”
Korczak
Sharah gave it some thought. How would they answer. She was sure that Yavia would adamantly deny it simply because she had this protective streak when it came to all things related to her telepathy. Baring that though… There were times it happened, and they knew when it did. “They would say ‘some times’.”
Sharah
“Of course they would.” he said as if he expected the answer, and he set his cup and saucer down. “Because that is the normal response for people in a normal, healthy, and honest relationship.” He sat his hands in his lap and looked at Sharah. “So… you perform exceedingly complex tasks on a regular basis, you conduct high-end medical and scientific research, you treat the ill and injured successfully everyday, you maintain a high level of personal success in an extremely competitive professional environmennt… all while maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships.” He leaned forward and refilled his tea cup, picked up the saucer, and leaned back.
“Tell me again why you feel you need therapy?” he asked with a slight smile.
Korczak
Watching him refill his cup, reminded Sharah to drink her tea before it cooled. Her posture relaxed slightly as she picked up the saucer and drank. “I have always been in therapy even as a small child. There have been times in my life where I have gone simply because I always have. There were times I resented it.” She sipped from her cup. “Now, I find great benefit in it. Sometimes it is so very hard to seperate what I feel from what others are feeling. When it becomes overwhelming, it becomes impossible without help. When I don’t keep up with my therapy, it becomes harder in those moments to use the skills I have learned. Therapy keeps me grounded.”
Sharah
Korczak nodded and then said “But grounded from what, exactly?” He set the cup aside and looked at her intently. “I am not saying you don’t need therapy. Talking to someone is helpful for anyone. But I am somewhat curious about one thing. You have been taught the tools. You have used them exceedingly well. You have proven time and time and time again that the preconceptions others had and have of your gift are not based in the reality of you. You have created a genuinely impressive life and self… yet you continue to believe in the preconceptions of you and not the reality. To be blunt… you do not believe in what you have made of yourself. And that flies in the face of your own rationality. So…? Why do you not believe in you? Everyone else around you believes in you as a individual. Not just an empath and telepath. Not a just a doctor. But as Sharah Fayth. You are trusted with lives and safety and security all the time by everyone around you. So why don’t you trust our opinions of you? Are we not smart enough? Do we not have enough experience and intuition? Do you think we are just blind? Or maybe we can’t grasp the magnitude of what you deal with?”
Korczak, Counselor
Her immediate reaction was ‘no, of course she didn’t think that.’ The truth was she has thought that about Charles and Yavia at the beginning. That either they didn’t understand or to blind to comprehend. She had been wrong and right. They had understood within their experience to do so. But after what happened between them they knew in a way no one else could. She had even felt at one time that Korczak was earnest in wanting to help her, but had no experience to relate. He had corrected that wrong assumption. She had been absorbed in self-pity. But there were people who didn’t understand.
“There are people who don’t understand. That don’t listen or just don’t want to and try to make it better with empty platitudes. No, not just strangers. I know we aren’t discussing them. I did think that no one could understand, but I was proven wrong.” Sharah finished the tea and set the cup and saucer down, clasping her hands. “I think I convince myself that how you describe me is true from your point of view. I think I don’t trust myself because I am afraid of what I could become. Tam Elbrum was an amazing and talented diplomat, but he allowed himself to become lost, subsumed by the feelings of one side and people died. Hent Tevren became a serial killer. Most don’t survive childhood. Most of us who do become mentally unstable and die of complications.”
She sighed, “I suppose I am afraid of what could happen if I don’t fight for control every moment. Afraid that each mistake, each hiccup is a step towards losing myself.”
Sharah
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