Posted by Civilian Kenzo B’tren-Hyrushi (Governor) in Governor’s Home - TMODJ (PRISM)
Posted by Captain Eela Dasca (Lt. Governor) in Governor’s Home - TMODJ (PRISM)
Kenzo ate silently, eyes on his plate, as she picked at the food. When he had finished he stood up and put his plate in the recycler and then sat down and looked at her, black eyes focused on her as his arms sat folded on the counter top.
“So when do you think you will let yourself feel what is happening? The longer you wait, the more damage it could do.”
She ate maybe half and set her fork down, gazing at her plate. Eela shook her head and looked up at him. “It’s not something I’m doing. At least not a conscious decision. I just don’t feel anything. I can feel for people, but everything else is just… not there.” She knew all about grief, but this was different than she had experienced and witnessed with others. She was’t pretending everything was okay, either, because it wasn’t. “I keep waiting for something to bubble up. Anger, despair, sadness, anything.” It was like finding yourself in one split moment to be nothing more than a shell. “And here we did all that work after Hurricane Corey whipped through for me to get comfortable with my having strong emotions.”
Kenzo kept his gaze on her. “You are in shock, Eela. As one should be.” His head tilted slightly to the side. “Tell me… if you were still a Counselor… what would you say to a patient in your situation?”
Shock often was accompanied with numbness. There was none of that. Eela shook her head, trying to find a way to explain. “It’s not a numbing of emotion, Kenzo, it’s an absence of it. I’ve had all kinds of shocks over my life and the reactions have run the gamut. This isn’t that. But if I were a counsellor, I’d remind the person that grief takes many forms and it carves its own path. And I’ve experienced a wide range of it too. I’ve lost lots of people in my life Kenzo, not just my parents, which was probably the most difficult situation, with the Steadfast being a close second.”
“So what makes this different?” Kenzo asked softly. “What has you co.pketely shut off?”
She shook her head again and shrugged slightly. “I honestly don’t know,” Eela said softly. Should she be worried? Afraid? Given how hard she had to fight to regain control over her emotions after the the accident, this space where there weren’t any at all was honestly unsettling.
“With everything that happened to Corey, there was a distinct feeling of confusion and shock. I couldn’t understand how it had all happened, that he would do that to me. And I know I had to really work through a lot of feelings about my reality, some of which I have still been working on. I had this moment the other day after Dee showed up early where I realized that while having her, Kian, and Alais here brings me so much joy, there are hard things we need to work through together. It won’t be fun. And I can do that, even now, but I don’t know how fully explain what has shifted. I can analyze things from a clinical perspective, but it it doesn’t track, because I’m not avoiding feeling anything.” Her hazel eyes settled back on him and she just seemed mystified.
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